Dumper's club

[leofromearth]

Yes that's right. This is no game. Just another thread for those unlucky lots who had to let go of their love for various reasons. Just another thread for the dumpee's to know what it feels like for the dumper. Just another thread for the dumpers to know that they are not alone in this world.

 

I let go of my lady love last week because of family issues and I knew I could not marry her and so did she. But somewhere along the line before the whole relationship started a beautiful friendship blossommed which turned into love. Last few weeks it all turned ugly and led to last week's decision.

 

Believe me you all, it hurts real bad to be the dumper too. Its not just guilt. Its the constant feeling of helplessness and deep concern for your love which will always hover on your head

 

There were pleads of "just friendship". "I will not call you everyday, just once a month, just to know how you are" from her. It hurts to hear all this. Not that its coming from ur love who is desparaate to have me in my life, but for the fact that you are the cause for her happiness and you are dripping acid over her heart by cutting urself off.

 

Dumpees, please please bear in mind just because we are letting you go, does not in any way mean we are forgettiing you, want you out of our life or anything remotely close to these negativbe feelings. Its just to make sure we do not suffer further and make you suffer on things might happen in future.

And the common notion that the dumper is not responding to dumpees call or mails because he/she has totally forgotten you etc etc, might not always be true. There are deeper reasons to that. We do not want to hurt you by giving false hopes that we will still be around for your support or as a safety net. The most happiest thing for us would be to see that the love we gave up has moved on and found new love and is happy.

 

When breaking up is inevitable, the sooner its done, the better for everyone. Dont cheat yourself in the name of friendship. It takes time to stepback from love to friendship. Give your heart the time it needs.

[need2bme]

Agreed. Leo, thanks from me, as well. I will also print this out. I am sure that my ex feels that way, it is just that I cannot come to grips with it yet. Also, as I have stated before, I am trying to remember that for everything I can say that she did or that I don't understand about her, she could counter with a statement of her own, about me.

[LONESOUL]

Leo

 

As a fellow dumper, who has also been a dumpee in the past I can tell you~

I totally agree. Sometimes ~They can both really hurt thats for sure!

 

good post.

[freelove]

Broke up with my girlfriend of 2 and half years today. I did it because it was the best thing for both of us. If I had waited any longer, things would have gotten worse for both of us. It's not that I wanted to, I had to...for me and for her. I love her and respect her and cherish her so much, that's why my heart breaks right now, because I have hurt somebody that I love. But I believe in the long run it will be the best for both of us.

 

We tried many time to make things right, but we were not meant to have a intimate relationship together. That saddens me as I think she is wonderful.

 

My thoughts go out to you all...the dumper and the dumpee.

[mcnani]

wow i really had to see this post..thanks for posting this.

[GoingForIt_77]

What if she broke up with me because she didn't want to live in fear of getting hurt (being critized, judged) and being scared (me yelling at her sometimes), but she still loved me the day she ended it and I have been going for professional help since then?

 

Does the dumper ever allow their head to change it's decision, so that their heart can open again, if they feel it's safe to do again?

 

She knows I am seeking help for ME. She sees me giving her space now. Once she has made up her mind, based on her fears and not on the fact that she has no more love for me in her heart, can she get to a point, where those fears can diminish? I feel like I lost my best friend.

[breeze33]

To dumpers like myself: do you feel sometimes you regret your decision and that it was made in haste?

 

Do you feel like you want to call them and say it was a mistake and want to start over?

 

sometimes I feel like that when I get very lonely and miss his presense, our conversations, his touch, etc. that's when my heart takes over. and then my head says otherwise.

[hailtothevictors]

To the dumpers: is there anything your ex could do that would make you willing to try again or is that a decision you would have to make entirely on your own?

[kekep]

wow, this post really makes me feel a lot better, even though i was the dumpee. i know the breakup has been hard for my ex as well, from the emails i've received and late night drunk dials...

 

it's hard to move on when the love is still there, but not the energy for commitment. i truly believe that 2 people can love and respect each other, but just not be a good fit in the long run.

 

just my 2 cents.

[terk2021]

Interesting post. I have been on both sides of this equation, and most recently as a dumpee. I can agree with some of what has been written above. I just responded to another post about someone asking about what makes up a successful relationship. It's interesting question. First off, there are typically reasons that a dumper has for breaking up.

 

As I have grown through the years, I have learned a lot more about relationships. I usually played the role of the dumper. In many circumstances, I never really gave solid reasons for breakups, or any indications that I was going to do it before it ever just happened. Many times its because you really do not want to hurt that other person.

 

The sad reality is that a lot of times when people are set to break up with someone, they plan it out for some time as to the best way they see fit and to not try and hurt the other person... Well, when you break up with someone that loves you, inevitably it's going to be painful for that person very much. For the most part, it comes out of left field. After all, the dumper knew what was coming, and the dumpee did not.

 

People end relationships for many reasons. I guess seeing it from this side for the first time in such a serious relationship, I think it would be easier if you actually had some form of understanding, or attempts to really communicate and work through a relationship before it truly ends.

 

I used to use the, "too busy", "don't know what I want", "I never meant to hurt you", "you deserve better".... Any of these sound familiar?

 

I think if a relationship is serious enough and 2 people are supposedly in love, a relationship that ends with the above statements are virtually the cowardly way out. I have grown over the years, and if I ever find myself in a position where I love someone, I am going to do what it takes to resolve issues in a relationship, and not use one of the above as the way out.

 

Do dumpers hurt? Sometimes. Ultimately, the dumpee is better off. Who wants to be with someone that does not want to be with you. I can't say that in general terms I feel sorry for the dumper, myself included when I was the dumper...

[breeze33]

wow, this post really makes me feel a lot better, even though i was the dumpee. i know the breakup has been hard for my ex as well, from the emails i've received and late night drunk dials...

 

it's hard to move on when the love is still there, but not the energy for commitment. i truly believe that 2 people can love and respect each other, but just not be a good fit in the long run.

 

just my 2 cents.

 

I totally agree, kekep. It would be much easier to move on if both of us did not love each other so much. He told me this was the best relationship he ever had. I loved being with my ex but for me, it was a HIGH MAINTENANCE relationship. I gave it my all and did my best to accommodate him and his busy hectic schedule. I would have continued to do so if he gave me the guarantee that he was in it for the longterm-- but he couldn't. I have been the dumpee 99% of the time so when that time came to bare the truth and he couldn't come through, I told him I had enough. Yes, I had been thinking about it for a while. I loved him but I have learned to love and respect myself first.

 

It's been hard, esp at night and on the weekends and there are times I want to contact him but I have to keep remembering the difficult times I endured.

[livheartspie]

interesting.

 

i for one have been freshly "dumped". what i don't get are statements like "maybe in time" (as in maybe in time we will start over), "i still love you", or "don't think that we still won't get married someday".

 

note to all dumpers, if you are not sure and the person is not or did not become abusive, ignorant, immature, or seriously just an a*hole, DON'T DO IT. NOBODY is perfect. if i was on the other end, if i have one shred of doubt i would seriously try to make it work rather than regret it forever. think about it from the dumpee's perspective. hearing contradictory statements makes it much worse. and if you did have any regret and want that person back, or even just want to be friends, i can guarantee you that you need to get ready for some major backlash. and please for the love of everything that's good in the world, don't hide behind phones and computers when you break up w/ someone. once the dumpee gets their bearing and has found someone new or confident that they don't want you back, word will get out and people will lose respect for you, and who wants to date a person like that?

 

also, i get tired of people saying that they don't have time for a relationship and then ending a good if not great relationship. if you know this was going to happen, why be even be in one? really? the person you dumped will second guess themselves for a long time.

 

i know this post might seem like a rant from a recent dumpee, but bear in mind i can sympathize w/ dumpers who actually have a VALID reason for dumping someone.

[mawfish]

interesting.

 

i get tired of people saying that they don't have time for a relationship and then ending a good if not great relationship. if you know this was going to happen, why be even be in one? really? the person you dumped will second guess themselves for a long time.

 

Not having time for a relationship is a line...maybe its the dumpers truth for themselves at that time, maybe not...but it just about always is a line to end the relationship....just like the lines the OP used in the first post. If someone comes along who knocks the dumpers socks off he/she will find time to be with them pretty quick. Just the way of the world...sometimes the truth is too hard to say or even maybe shouldn't be said if it would cause unnecessary hurt.

[Robert013]

My breakup was kind of mutual. I say kind of because I knew we needed a break but i wasn't ready. When she jumped into a new relationship after only a week I felt that I was now the dumpee. It hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

Now that I am trying to move on she is sensing it and digging at me.

 

I know she still loves me and cares, but who can just say whatever to 7 years and jump right into another relationship?

 

If you both really loved eachother thier is going to be pain on both sides wheather you are the dumper or dumpee. It is how we deal with the pain that shows the type of people we are.

[livheartspie]

usually when someone jumps into a relationship that quick, it's either they already had their eyes on the new person or that they truly just do not want to be alone (sign of immaturity), and since you were in a relationship for 7yrs, she probably thought it was a waste.

[Lugh]

Its nice to hear the dumpers side of things and in a way its good to know that they hurt too.

 

what bugged me most wasnt the actual break up she had her reasons and i respected them, it was being strung along and when we met up she would be so nice yet when we were apart she treated me like a stranger.

 

it confused me that after 6 years together she couldnt be honest with me about what she wanted to do.

 

I would have much preferred if she told me that she couldnt marry me, and me being around as a friend was too confusing for her and that she needed space, instead she dumped me again by not returning calls, texts etc.

 

Personally i think the dumpers should be honest and forthright and have the courage to stand over their actions.

 

it sadden me to think that after 6 years i am in a situation that i dont care to be her friend.