Help with getting over wife's affair, (i had one too)

[pissedandsad]

Wife and I have been married for over 6 years, together for 9 with 2 beautiful girls. 2 years ago during wife's pregnancy and after birth of our daughter I was having an affair with a woman for about 3 months, told the woman I would never leave my wife but she was unhappily married and we connected. Went to dinner, slept over at her house one night, went to her home and there, almost always involved us drinking and having sex. My wife doesn't know about the affair but suspected something was happening. Over past 2 years I was smoking pot daily (no sex drive and gained weight) and playing poker online religiously up until December. I found out my wife's email account password and found very descriptive sexual emails to one of her customer's (she is a business owner) about wanting to him, suck him, etc... they had sex in mid-November. When confronted she just kept saying "what are you talking about" until I pulled out the emails and showed her my proof of the affair. Have put all the timing together with cell phone and she only had sex with him once but was planning on doing it again before I busted her. My wife had tried to talk to me about how miserable she was and I ignored her, not saying affair was my fault but having one myself for being miserable I understand how it happened. He is also married and told her how miserable his wife made him and my wife told him about my poker playing, etc... and he then started to pursue her, she allowed herself to be pursued but this married man with 2 kids came after my wife once he thought he had a chance with her. I am having a very difficult time getting over the affair especially after reading emails the images of my wife with another man will not go away. I do want to get over this and regain the love and respect we both had for one another. I have quit playing online poker and smoking pot, for us but more for my children because children imitate their parents and I want my girls to have a better life than I did and don't want to start them off with bad examples. My wife has expressed she is very sorry for what she did and even signed an agreement (call it a post-nuptial) stating if this happens again she gets very little of our assets and cannot file for sole custody of our kids, also added if she even contacts this guy I can enforce agreement, I signed same agreement stating no affairs. I am having a real hard time accepting the fact of the affair and I know this is hypocritical of me but if I had not had an affair I would have absolutely been out the door that day but understanding of how they happen has made me want to forgive but how do you FORGET and get over it. I am sure there will be the usual answers of hypocrisy, and I even tell myself daily "karma is a " but I need real answers about how to move on after this. We are in counseling and started going to church as well. I love my wife dearly and want to get past this but I keep bringing it up and calling her names like and I promised her the other day I would quit doing that and have until yesterday. When I told her I couldn't get over it and we had to get a divorce she begged and pleaded with me to give us a chance, she and I deserve that chance and I really want to get back to where we were. But can we? I know they say once a cheater always a cheater but I know from my perspective I made a mistake and will never do it again so shouldn't she get the same consideration.

 

I also want to tell this lying cheating piece of wife about his affair with my wife. I know if it was me I would want to know but should I tell his wife or even make my wife tell his wife? would like to know similar situation people's views on telling the other spouse.

 

Thanks for your help with this.

[BellaDonna]

Hi there and welcome to enotalone. Before I talk about your issue, I just want to ask that you please use more respectful language when making future posts on enotalone. Vulgarities are against the forum rules and are not allowed.

 

I realize that you are very angry and emotional about this difficult issue, but please try to make your point without using vulgarities.

 

Now on to your issue: I would suggest that if this marriage is ever to get on track, you both will have to be 100% honest with one another. I think you both should try ot get into marriage counseling and get everything about BOTH affairs out on the table.

 

You both made the same mistake. Now you both must get to the core of the matter and answer the hard questions, like "why".

 

If you both can forgive, that is the first step. Forgetting is a lot harder, but I assure you,

 

I also want to tell this lying cheating piece of wife about his affair with my wife. I know if it was me I would want to know but should I tell his wife or even make my wife tell his wife? would like to know similar situation people's views on telling the other spouse.

 

That will not help at all. Although revenge may seem satisfying at first, it will just make it harder for you 2 to put this behind you. I think your best bet is to focus on one another - your marriage-and your family and try to move on. Each day that you hold on to anger, it will weigh down on you more and more.

 

I see marriage counseling as a must in this situation. I think you also have to be willing to be honest about your own behavior and your affiar for the 2 of you to ever make progress. You did not leave your wife over her affiar, so she will probably not leave you either if she knew about it. I think in a strange way, if you deal with this properly it may bring you both closer together and you both can learn a lot.

 

BellaDonna

[pissedandsad]

sorry about the language, it just gets me angry every time i think or talk about it

[BellaDonna]

sorry about the language, it just gets me angry every time i think or talk about it

 

That is very understandable.

 

One positive thing I noticed is that you have said here that you will never cheat again, and your wife seems very remorseful and it seems she will not do it again either. The way you described all of the legal things she promised and signed, it seems that she is really trying to prove her commitment to your marriage. So at least both of you appear to have learned from your past mistakes.

 

Were your affairs around the same time?

 

 

BellaDonna

[pissedandsad]

No, my affair was 2 years ago Jan.-May 2005 (We mutually cut off all contact) and her's was November 2006 for one-time sex with email's for 2 weeks til I found out.

[kermit]

 

I also want to tell this lying cheating piece of wife about his affair with my wife. I know if it was me I would want to know but should I tell his wife or even make my wife tell his wife? would like to know similar situation people's views on telling the other spouse.

 

Thanks for your help with this.

 

1. Nothing good can come from 'squealing'. It will hurt several people, and you will be one of them. Been there, had it done to me. Karma will get him too.

 

2. I am sure you are angry at your wife, but you need to start to forgive her and move on, or divorce, you can't carry on like this.

 

3. "Once a cheater always a cheater"? Don't think so. How about "Once bitten twice shy"?

 

4. I would suggest some marital counselling to help you both get over this, and to make sure you both want to save your marriage.

 

Good luck, if you can get through this you can get through anything your kids will throw at you down the road.

[Bethany]

Tell her what you have done. I think a big part of the reason why you can't move on from this is because you are holding back on the truth. It's like an invisble wall that keeps you apart. To make it right and get rid of this anger.. be honest, totally and completely. Admit your mistakes.

 

I know that if I had an affair and he made me feel guilty for it but kept the fact that he wasn't exactly whiter than white himself, it would destroy my trust and faith in him. I would not be able to forgive such a lie and being made to feel like a piece of dirt when he has done the same. Get down on your knees with her and rebuild together, no secrets, no more guilt and shame.

 

Accept that it has happened and that it's going to take a long time over, it's not going to be a quick fix and forget, it's probably going to take years and years. But it can be done and things CAN get better, if you really want them to and if you both work together as a team and forgive each other.

[candy604]

did you let her know about your affair as well? if you haven't, i don't think it's fair that you are all rowdy and making her the bad person if you are as well. Both of you are wrong, but you need to let her know as well.

[yeawutever]

Yes before you start going to marriage counseling with her, do tell her about your 2 year-old affair. She's gonna get more upset about you keeping such a lie and making her feel so guilty when you had done the same. Every relationship deserves honesty.

[candy604]

heh i always believe that any secrets that are hidden will eventually surface, whether you tell her or not, some how the truth will reveal itself.

 

Be a man and tell her.

[Kalika]

I agree with some of the other responders that part of the reason you can't get over it is because deep down, you know you're being hypocritical and treating your wife ruthlessly for doing something you're guilty of doing as well. If you want to save your marriage, you have to start being honest with yourself and your wife.

[treefrogkate]

I agree with some of the other responders that part of the reason you can't get over it is because deep down, you know you're being hypocritical and treating your wife ruthlessly for doing something you're guilty of doing as well. If you want to save your marriage, you have to start being honest with yourself and your wife.

 

Agreed.

 

"I love my wife dearly and want to get past this but I keep bringing it up and calling her names like and I promised her the other day I would quit doing that and have until yesterday."

 

What grounds do you have to call your wife names? Are you projecting your own guilty feelings onto her?

[Kalika]

What grounds do you have to call your wife names? Are you projecting your own guilty feelings onto her?

 

That's definitely what I was thinking reading the posts.. It's quite typical of someone who's cheated to accuse their partner of cheating, or calling them related names and such..

[BeStrongBeHappy]

well, you have both behaved badly, haven't you? please recognize that people are human, and that it makes no sense at all to be holding your wife to a higher standard than you yourself could maintain... cheating on a pregnant wife? really low, so why is her cheating worse than yours?

 

in this kind of situation, it is best for you to go to marriage counseling, and find out why both of you are triangulating other people into your marriage... you are jealous of her, but do not love her enough to accept she did the same as you? really, it sounds like a maturity problem on both your parts, and marriage counseling might help you both recognize that such self indulgences as affairs are not the way to solve problems in marriage, and random jealousy is not a reason to break up a marriage when both love each other and recognize they were BOTH wrong for their affairs.