Oops!! Found out the ex is engaged!!

[Orlander]

Thanks DeeJay and Smiles. I guess women just do heal differently. I have atttempted to put myself into her position emotionally. We both kinda played games with each other and I'm sure it helped things along when she met someone who she wanted to go out with.

 

Do I think she is over me? I'm sure she thinks she is, but no, she isnt...just as she wasnt over the last guy. She just wants someone to take her mind off being alone and wants new memories to replace the ones she made with me.

 

I made the right choices, but the only thing I did wrong was not believe in myself and have faith that I am worth more and deserve to be happy. I am not making that mistake now. I know I dont have to worry about what might happen after a breakup in the future (if that ever happens again) as I will handle things completely different.

 

Good luck to us all and thanks for posting. I have complete faith we will all go on to find real love.

 

 

Orlander

[Orlander]

Hi. Last night was rather difficult again. This pain comes in waves. The night before I felt so strong...strong enough that I felt nothing but compassion and if I had seen my ex I would have smiled and said i was glad she was happy.

 

Last night though is another story. I was restless and depressed and had serious thoughts I would never find love again and i would never get over my ex.

 

Yeap, it comes in waves. today though I am trying to realize that I just need to let it go and stop thinking about it. Thinking about what ifs and whys haven't helped at all and it keeps me in the perpetual cycle of hurting.

 

Yes, I should have really begun my healing a year and 4 months ago, but that knowledge doesnt help me at all. I just need to accept where I am, who I am and accept that I have to find the love I seek somewhere else.

 

Scary, but I have no choice.

 

Orlander

[Rainz]

I guess women just do heal differently

 

Smiles and Orlander,

 

I'm a woman. We don't heal differently. I think healing it's more down to individuals than it is male/female.

 

I'm now on my fourth major break up right now and it's taken me the best part of year to start feeling "like myself" again.

 

Your ex's behaviour since you're break up is not at all typical of myself or the women that I'm close with, nowhere near. In all honesty, personally, for me I know how even the thought of someone new is impossible for me to bear for a while, much less to start a relationship. I think if they ever felt an authentic connection and feelings for you and the relationship that they just couldnt have the capacity in their heart to move into something so serious so soon.

 

On this forum I read so much about people breaking up and moving straight into something new, me personally I truly cannot see where these individuals are coming from when they do this. Only that their feelings dissipated before the break up and that's why they're able to move on.

 

From what I've observed in my exeriences and those around me, and I'm not generalising. I've seen moreso, that the women grieve far longer and harder more so than the guys, and the guys have always been the ones to rebound or move on quickly. With the odd exception here and there. Hence why I'd generally says the way a person deals with their break up/healing is pretty much down to who they are.

 

After close to a year I'm only just now feeling like I could handle a little bit of light dating, and even then it has to be light.

[Orlander]

Thanks for your input Rainz. I'm more certain now than ever that my ex had started to distance herself from me as far as a year prior to the final breakup. She kept me hanging on in case she changed her mind or found someone else.

 

She finally stopped talking to me when she did find someone else. I cant blame her or hate her though. We had fundamental differences that she just couldnt deal with in the end, but it is taking a while to forgive her for how she handled it.

 

I dont know why she told me she was in love with me 3 weeks before finally moving on...I guess its because she was still unsure and probably afraid of being alone . Whatever the reason I just need to move on like she has done.

 

We should all just move on and put the past behind us. Forgive and move on...let go and have the faith that we will find happiness elsewhere.

 

Orlander

[Rainz]

I'm more certain now than ever that my ex had started to distance herself from me as far as a year prior to the final breakup. She kept me hanging on in case she changed her mind or found someone else.

 

Seems to be a common theme with exes. I guess that's where something like full NC right from the point of the break up comes in. You can't be anyone's safety net.

 

We had fundamental differences that she just couldnt deal with in the end, but it is taking a while to forgive her for how she handled it.

Sounds familiar

 

 

I dont know why she told me she was in love with me 3 weeks before finally moving on...

 

See I just dont get that. To me, telling your SO you're in love with them is a very heavy statement. There are certain things that to me you just do not say unless you fully mean it.

Weird to me, if I didn't want to be with someone I would not even slightly do anything that might mean the opposite, let alone tell them I'm in love with them! But that's just me.

 

Whatever the reason I just need to move on like she has done.

 

We should all just move on and put the past behind us. Forgive and move on...let go and have the faith that we will find happiness elsewhere.

 

Yep. What else can you do?....That's all we can do eh..?

[Orlander]

Yep. What else can you do?....That's all we can do eh..?

Correct, and in light of this post I am going to cease and decest in talking about the past anymore.

 

I'll keep posting in this thread with daily feelings in the hopes of helping me heal and get stronger. I'm ready to be strong for my future family.

 

I also hope this thread will turn into hope for anyone who happens to read it. As I said, i won't talk about the past, but will talk about how I feel and how I am getting rid of negative thoughts and fears and moving ahead towards my goals.

 

I've been unable to do this in nearly a year and a half, but will do so now. Here's hoping we can all put the past behind us and see a brighter future.

 

 

Orlander

[Biffy]

Hey Orlander, I've been following your threads since I've joined. I don't have much to add except to say not to count out talking about the past here.

 

Don't dwell on it but if you feel the need, then do vent about it, don't just bury it.

 

Sounds like you're doing well though, keep it up.

[Orlander]

Hey Zombiain. I hear what you are saying and in general I agree with you, but for me, I have decided that rehashing old memories has kept me from living in the moment and from moving on. I was dwelling way too much.

 

For me there just isnt anything else to work out about what happened. I know I have all the lessons learned that I needed. I'm confident that I can now put her and those memories behind me. Maybe when I have healed I can think about the love again, but I pretty much hit rock bottom recently and know now that I need to just move on.

 

So, everytime a memory come up or I start to feel any pain i'm just going to say to myself "i loved her very much' and just let it go.

 

Orlander

[serenity25]

Orlander, I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. My heart goes out to you... I went through the same thing when my ex was engaged about six months after we broke up. He actually went through with the wedding and I'm really surprised at what he chose for his life, but I guess all we can do is wish them the best.

 

I can tell you however, that it will get much easier and at some point you might just look back and feel relief. I KNOW without a doubt that my ex was not the guy for me at all... he wasn't really going anywhere and didn't even lead a healthy life. When it came down to it, he married someone just like him and I really feel that he settled for what was comfortable at the time...easier. Maybe that will ultimately make him happy and I hope it does.

 

However, even realizing what a blessing in disguise it was didn't really prevent me from going through hell to get to this point. You can see from previous posts awhile back how upset and shocked I was when I first found out about their engagement.

 

While we all wish your ex the best, I will tell you something that people often told me.... she might just be on her second marriage by the time you are on your first.

 

You seem to have a wonderful, vibrant heart and that's why this is so difficult for you, but I'm quite certain that you will meet your own princess... and you will be extremely thankful for the choice your ex made to leave. She just opened the door for the right woman to step into your life. It's only a matter of time. The pain, sorrow or regret will flood over you at times, but when it does, try to also remind yourself of the possibilities for your own future and appreciate that excitement as well.

[moonflowers]

Hey Orlander,

 

I feel incredibly compassionate towards you in your situation - half a year ago, I'd found out that my ex-bf (nearly 2-yr relationship) had found a new girl, just three months after our breakup. It's gutwrenching, it turned my life upside-down for a while, but it was the kick in the seat of my pants that I needed to move on. I guess the most important thing I got out of it was that pain is necessary to inspire change - if we're in comfortable situations, we can stay in denial, instead of moving on to better and brighter things.

 

One trap I realize I got caught in was that I didn't really want my ex back, but I truly missed being in a committed relationship. I knew my ex was too immature for me and had started to drink more and more, but I missed the companionship, etc. from the relationship. I think it will help if you focus on what you're really missing - someone to love you and for you to love, and not specificallly your ex.

 

I think your ex told you she was in love with you 3 weeks before she left because it was her last attempt to hold on, or to assess whether the relationship was worth it or not. I know I felt like giving up on an already-troubled relationship when I said "I love you" for the first time to my ex-bf, and all he responded with was a kiss. From his inability to say those three words back to me, I concluded (probably incorrectly) that he didn't care about "us" anymore.

 

Good luck in your healing - the waves of pain and the calm in between will continue on for a bit, but always rest assured that each time you struggle with it, you come out slightly more free, slightly better than before, and someday they will really never return.

 

Best wishes!

[arwen]

Hey there Orlander!

 

Wow, that must have been a shock to you. I am happy to read that you are still very much aware of the issues that led to the break up, I remember the discussions about differences in religion; sometimes people's view are just too incompatible to have a relationship with a future. I think that in time, you will be ok. In fact you are doing great now. It can only get better!

 

Arwen

[Orlander]

Serenity, Moonflowers, Arwen, thank you so much for all of your kind words. I've been through this all before and last time I didn't stop myself from dwelling in self pity and anguish for months. This time I am taking a different approach by not allowing myself to linger in pain.

 

This morning I felt as though the world had stopped. It was incredibly difficult to breathe and I couldnt stop my hands from shaking. I had a terrible feeling of dread and confusion and displacement. I felt a sense of profound hopelessness.

 

Then, I started to fight it and soon was able to release myself from most of my immediate pain and anguish. Now, 2 hours after I awoke I am feeling pretty strong. This is going to be a constant battle with myself, not to let myself slip into a severe depression, but I am working on it.

 

Last time I went through this I let myself slip into depression for months and months. I cried over my ex every day and it took me over a year before I found someone I wanted to date and once I started dating her, finally got over my ex. I can't wait that long again. I can't allow myself to dwell, anguish and float in self pity. I'm fighting it!

 

You seem to have a wonderful, vibrant heart and that's why this is so difficult for you, but I'm quite certain that you will meet your own princess... and you will be extremely thankful for the choice your ex made to leave. She just opened the door for the right woman to step into your life. It's only a matter of time. The pain, sorrow or regret will flood over you at times, but when it does, try to also remind yourself of the possibilities for your own future and appreciate that excitement as well.

These are such lovely words, thank you. My absolute biggest problem is not believing I will ever find anyone else. I believe I will never have that love and affection again. I believe I'm not worthy of finding the kind of girl I want to be with. The conflict in me takes a lot out...convincing myself to just have faith and that one day it will happen and I will fall in love again. It's just so much to try to believe.

 

My challenge is to not think about the past and also maintain hope and faith that I will find love again and one day look back at this time in my life and shake my head in wonderment and frustration.

 

Is this normal to feel such hopelessness about finding love again??

 

 

Orlander

[HB2]

These are such lovely words, thank you. My absolute biggest problem is not believing I will ever find anyone else. I believe I will never have that love and affection again. I believe I'm not worthy of finding the kind of girl I want to be with. The conflict in me takes a lot out...convincing myself to just have faith and that one day it will happen and I will fall in love again. It's just so much to try to believe.

 

My challenge is to not think about the past and also maintain hope and faith that I will find love again and one day look back at this time in my life and shake my head in wonderment and frustration.

 

Is this normal to feel such hopelessness about finding love again??

 

Yes, it is absolutely normal, but completely wrong. That is something you will need to keep telling yourself.

 

You also should think about it this way. The girl that is the "one" for you would never have it in her to hurt you this way. I know she loved you, but true love...she would not be able to hurt you like this.

 

I like this quote from a country song (cant remember the name right now) but it says "Some of Gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers" Looking back in my life I can think of times I begged God to make a girl come back...never heard a thing...and now, I'm glad. I'm sure you can say the same and I'm sure you will say the same again.

[Orlander]

Thanks for your post, HB2.

 

Yesterday morning was unbearably painful. I let myself slip into a depression that was threatening my basic ability to function.

 

By the evening however, I had decided to take a stand against this depression and I created a plan.

 

The plan involves 4 simple rules:

 

1. Don't think about the ex-girlfriend

2. Focus on the present (no dwelling on past or wishful thoughts for the future)

3. Don't let myself have any distractive or negative thoughts

4. Just let go of any thoughts about the ex or negative thoughts that come up.

 

By 10pm last night, after forcing myself to follow these 4 simple rules, I felt better than I had in many days.

By midnight last night, I felt better than I had in months. It took a lot of work, but I proved to myself that if you try hard enough you can change your thoughts and your feelings

 

It was pretty draining and took some good diversions like watching a couple of action flicks and working out, but it worked. I see now that it doesnt have to take months and months to get over someone. It takes a certain amount of mourning and then a determined effort to get over them and move on.

 

This isn't necessary for everyone, but for me this process was. I have a history of not caring very much about someone I was with but as soon as I was dumped I got crushed, had to have them back, and couldnt move on for months. I allow myself to linger, wallow in pain and suffering and think that I will never find love again.

 

Why do some people seem to move on so quickly?? It's not necessarily because they didn't love deeply, but its because they loved, and acknowledged the end of the relationship, made peace with their decision and their loss, mourned the loss and then moved on. For some people it just takes a little more time and definitely more effort.

 

There are countless reasons I was depressed and couldn't move on. All of them reinforced each other so when I would work on one thing like being determined to understand my ex wasn't the one for me, another feeling would overcome me like the feeling I will never find someone again and it would push my thoughts and emotions back down again.

 

So, I'm convinced this is the only way to tackle this problem. I don't know how long it will take, but I am making every effort I can to follow these rules and move on. I know I want a family and I want to connect with someone and I can't do that from a weak state. It is impossible to handle any situation in weakness.

 

I'm tired today for the first time in days I am not wired. I'm physically weak and its hard to focus, but I know that is because I am healing and it took a lot out of me last night to turn my feelings and thoughts around.

 

Wish me luck. I'll keep trying and post my results.

 

 

Orlander

[Orlander]

Good morning all!

 

I wish I could say my weekend was good, but in all honesty it wasn't. I was able to occupy myself somewhat, but not as much as I apparently needed.

 

Starting Friday night I hit rock bottom again and stayed there pretty much until Sunday evening. By Sunday evening I had decided to take more initiative in pulling myself out of this depression.

 

I had been thinking about what exactly was causing me to feel the way I was. I thought about why it seemed impossible for me to see myself happy in the future. I notice now, more than ever before, the patterns of negative thoughts and the self esteem issues I have.

 

I went through exactly what I am going through now before, with my last ex and it took months to pull myself up, accept the relationship was over, gain my self confidence back and to truly believe that there was someone else out there I would fall in love with and vice versa.

 

I'm not prepared to wait another year to feel that way again. Sometimes you just have to pull yourself up and have faith. I'm not going to wallow for months in pain, while the memories of my ex fade. If I am strong now, if I have faith now, if I have hope and self confidence now, then I know that no matter what comes my way in the future I will be able to handle it with strength, dignity and confidence.

 

That's what I really always wanted...more than a true love or family, was to find the strength in myself to be the kind of man I always wanted to be.

 

So, which is better...suffering for nearly a year and a half but then finding the strength and faith in yourself that you never knew you had or moving on and getting involved with someone new immediately after dumping someone and never really healing or allowing yourself to move on from the old relationship.

 

The answer is obvious to me. I am truly blessed.

 

Have a great day everyone.

 

Orlander

[LONESOUL]

Hi Orlander~

 

Good for you, you can clearly see the pattern and are trying to do things to break it. That's a good part of the fight.

Hang in there!

 

(oh and..get out this next weekend, no sitting around feeling sad,

take another martial arts class, go to a movie with a friend)

[longhaircats]

Hey Orlander,

 

I posted here 2 weeks ago about finding out my ex moved in with new girlfriend already after 4 mo from our breakup and 3mo of NC. He sent me another email yesterday for "closure" to let me know that they are now engaged!

 

I broke my 3 mo NC to wish his birthday and happiness. I told him that I will be there for him as a friend if he needs me. I called him last week when I was really down because the guy I was dating for a month decided to get back to his ex-girlfriend who treats him like a safety net. I called him because I was okay to hear what's going in his life, including his new girlfriend. I thougt that he is someone who will be there for me and support me as a friend. But he took it so badly. He told me that it's pathetic that I only called him for bull * * * * and I didn't call him other time (during NC) to check up on him or just a small talk to cach up with our lives, because he thinks that's what friends supporsed to do. He always takes things in negative ways and that's why I wasn't sure to spend rest of my life with him in the first place. He acted like our rollercoaster relationship was all my fault, and he took it out on me in the email. It seems almost like he did it to hurt me to move on. I just couldn't believe that this was from someone I gave my heart and soul for 3 years.

 

I now realized that things happened for reasons and I feel am blessed that I didn't end up marrying this man.

 

The day will come to you when you realize that the breakup with ex was the best thing ever happened to you!

[Orlander]

The day will come to you when you realize that the breakup with ex was the best thing ever happened to you!

I already see it very clearly. Hindsight really is 20/20. No, i dont doubt that the best thing in the world for me was to have broken up with my ex. I understand she did what she did because she just wanted to be happy.

 

Unfortunately though, it is also clear to me that while I do not know anything about my ex and her finance as a couple, i do know my ex and the facts behind our breakup and the clarity of what is in store for their future together is frightening. I really do feel sorry for her sometimes. I wish her the best of luck though.

 

I'm so sorry your ex felt the need to contact you, LoneStar. I don't think you two really should be talking anymore. You both still have feelings for each other and will continue to hurt each other now that you are split and he is getting married.

 

Maybe it's time to make a graceful exit and let him enjoy his life with the new girl?? Orlander

[longhaircats]

I'm so sorry your ex felt the need to contact you, LoneStar. I don't think you two really should be talking anymore. You both still have feelings for each other and will continue to hurt each other now that you are split and he is getting married.

 

Maybe it's time to make a graceful exit and let him enjoy his life with the new girl?? Orlander

 

Yap, I told him not to contact me anymore and I blocked his email.

 

I have no feelings left for him. It's just a memory of having someone so close to me moved on so quickly that makes me sad, but I'm better off without him. I don't think he wrote to me because he had feelings for me......anyway, I don't want to waste my time by thinking of him anymore!

 

Hope you are doing well.

[Orlander]

Ah, good to hear, Longhaircats!!

 

Yes, I have turned a corner in my life now. My day yesterday was amazing!! I felt so alive and vibrant.

 

I am learning to handle all of the negativity and accept that this is where I need to be in life. I wasn't happy with my ex and now I see the potential to be happy with someone I truly want to be with.

 

I no longer fear the future or regret my past...everything that has happened has been so for a reason and that reason I believe is to make me a much stronger person and to acknowledge, finally, that I have control over my emotions and over my life/future.

 

I am beginning to fall in love with the idea of falling in love with someone new. No use in holding on to a love that no longer exists. What we believe will be and I have started taking time to envision myself happy again with someone new. It's a very powerful thing. I know beyond doubt that I can be happier than I ever was before.

 

I have to keep working at it. Hope everyone has a good day.

 

Orlander

[longhaircats]

Yes, I have turned a corner in my life now. My day yesterday was amazing!! I felt so alive and vibrant.

 

Hey! I'm so happy to hear that you feel that you turned a corner! That's exactly what I felt today! I was on the way back home from a grocery store and while I was walking I felt like I was so happy, free from my ex and the past. I felt like there are a lot of possibilities and fortune ahead of me!

 

I'm doing positive thinking as well. I am also trying to use a magic word "thank you." It's about acknowleding the good things you have already and feel happy about what you have, like good family and friends. It really works! You are on the right track Orlander!

[Orlander]

It took a little bit of work to get back to a very positive frame of mind this morning. Mornings are always bad and I think that has to do with natural chemical balance/inbalance in the body. So, I haven't worried too much about it.

 

Just taking it day by day and trying not to think about my ex.

 

Dating is helping too. It's important to get out there and start dating again even if you don't want to.

 

I've been talking to someone I really like, but am not sure if it will lead anywhere as of right now it is long distance, but we will see.

 

Also, for all those out there that are thinking about having a fling to help you forget or get over your ex, don't do it. It isn't worth it and will probably cause more harm than good. Trust me on this one.

 

Orlander

[hockeyboy]

I've noticed I'm at my worse in the moring/early afternoon too. It's often when I sit and think and obsess about what I want to say to her and think of the "perfect" thing to say. However, once I'm home later on, I'll see her online and simply have no urge to contact her in any way.

 

I'm not sure if its the time of day, or where I am. When I'm at work, I seem to think about her a lot more, compared to when I'm at hockey, the gym, or even just hanging around the house.

 

And I agree with you about the rebound thing to an extent. I have found it usually does make me feel better for a bit, but it only prolongs the pain. Eventually you have to deal with the breakup and a rebound seems to just put that to the side for a bit. When I was younger, I had a lot of serious relationships in a row. When the last one ended, I really had to mourn 3 breakups at the same time I think. Not good.

 

It sounds like things are going good for you...just remember when the rollercoaster goes down, it will go back up soon enough.

[Orlander]

Rollercoaster has definitely been down the past couple of days with yesterday being filled with anger. I'm trying to calm down, but still find it difficult to move on after all these months.

 

I think its a bit of resistance too as I was so sure all these months that she was the one for me and that I would never find anyone else. Now, I see her in true light for the person she really is and she is off her pedestal. And, from dating this past month I see there are women that I do find attractive and can potentially build something with.

 

Maybe everything will change when I meet the right person. I just hate feeling that I will be sad and not over my ex yet until I do meet someone I really want to be with. I feel that isnt the healthy thing to do.

 

Well, I will occupy myself this weekend. So, staying busy is going to help out a lot.

 

Orlander

[Orlander]

Wow, this thread was three pages down. That's unfortunate as there are many posts from people who need advice on their own troubled relationships. I'm glad everyone is choosing to seek help instead of bottling the pain up inside and never dealing with it.

 

Keeping busy is really important. For the most part its working out for me. Volunteer work is essential and so is spending time with friends and dating.

 

I have extensive documentation that I created on how to handle issues that come up in my future relationships and also, more importantly, how to handle a breakup so to minimize pain and the time it will take me to get over it. I did so many things incorrectly this time around.

 

The only thing I cannot adequetly document is the process for finding new love. That perplexes and boggles me. How do you find someone to give your heart to? I think back on the times I came to love someone new and I swear its a mystery. It also seems a mystery how to truly let go of an old love. I know, I know...time is the key. I just miss the person who used to be my best friend, my lover and my family. Life is definitely hard sometimes.

 

But I must persist and find a new love. I have so much love to give and am truly confident that I will be the best husband and father that I can possibly be.

 

 

Orlander