ironpumper Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Sorry y'all-I don't really understand how this helps. I'm trying NC, just because I haven't tried it before. It's NOT helping me at all, I feel worse every day that passes. It's been nearly 3 months since i spoke to her.. The thing is, I love her.Plain and simple. This girl isn't another 'crush'-this is FOR REAL...I believe in her and US. You don't give up on something you believe in, you fight for it, you don't quit! NC seems like you're saying "that's it, I quit, there's somebody else for me-it's her loss" HELL no, That doesn't work for me. I'm gonna get wailed on I know, but I'm not giving up on us. I've given her space and stayed away as much as I can stand. I feel in my heart that I want to see her, NEED to see her and talk to her instead of walking the other way when I see her-What is she thinking when she sees me walk away from her? Seems to me like I'm sending a message that I can't stand to go near her or want to be near her. I want to see her and talk to her SO bad, I'm having such a miserable time deciding to ACTUALLY do it though. I've planned to call her and/or see her for 2 weeks now, but haven't actually done it. If I see her, I just turn away or walk around her. Makes me feel terrible to do that, because I see her watch me, and it tears my heart up. THIS SUX!!! If anybody's got any suggestions other than "NO CONTACT" Please let me know. SuperDave, I know this is totally against your philosophy, but it's not helping me at all. I HAVE to fix things, get things the way they were before I lose my mind.... Link to comment
Scout Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Hi, I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. One question, though...why are you so convinced she's the one, and "worth fighting for"? I've looked back over your other threads, and I'm not sure if you two were ever even in a committed relationship. I thought I saw some mention of her saying she didn't see you two in that way? Am I off here? I don't really understand the background of your relationship with her, and I'm trying to get an idea of why you are so convinced you must pursue things with her. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Iron, Hey there...you believe anything ya want. Just rememeber something very, very, very important... You can love her all you want...and miss her and want her and believe in her and you both as a couple....that's great!! But if she doesn't....you have missed her, loved her and believed in her you you guys ...for what ? What benefits you from all that? Iron, you must rememeber something, I don't have the answers. I just try to help those who want to help themselves. Who cares about my philosophy...it's what you do and the choices you make that matter. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best and good luck to you. -SuperDave71 Link to comment
pinkbunnie Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 I agree NC isn’t working for me too. I tried for 5 days with NC and I gave in today. I just miss talking to him and want to see how he is doing...but as SD or other people say in these post... NC is for u to feel better about yourself and to get stronger not for your ex. It’s really up to you if you want to contact your ex or not... but know the fact....what if they met someone can you handle it? As much as I want to talk to my ex... I think about that and that just kills me... Right now I’m trying to find ways myself too. I just don’t know what to do too. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 If NC is not helping you get over your ex... It's because you REFUSE to let go.... until you do... The definition if insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result... Your Friend, SuperDave71 Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 I know what you are feeling ironpumper. I'm doing NC and every day that I'm successful I wonder if its really the right thing or if its really helping. I guess I'm not letting go like I should be and that must be the problem. Every ounce of me wants to contact him and see if there isn't some way to make it work. I don't have an answer and I don't know what is the best thing to do. Link to comment
ironpumper Posted January 16, 2007 Author Share Posted January 16, 2007 If NC is not helping you get over your ex... It's because you REFUSE to let go.... until you do... The definition if insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result... Your Friend, SuperDave71 I know, that's just it though. I refuse to let go, because I believe in us so much! There's something in my heart that just WON'T let go, I've tried, time and time again... Scout, I have no answer-I've known her for going on 5 years now. I know it seems weird, but I just feel SO connected to her. I've been wrestling with these feelings for SO long, mainly because of the age difference. I don't know, I've tried to let it go, fought against this for so long, but these feelings are SO strong, and I really feel like she does care for me a lot and is unsure of her feelings. There have been times when I thought I was over it, but it never lasted long. She never really understood where I was going, because I'd tell her I wouldn't come see her anymore, then a week later, I'm back. I don't know what to do y'all...I'm scared of SO many things, scared she'll 'vanish' without me ever seeing her or saying anything to her again, scared of saying or doing something wrong, scared of losing any hope or chance of reconciliation. Superdave, I know you'd tell me it doesn't matter WHAT she does or thinks, it's all about me. Well, I think if I can somehow arrange things to be better, where I wouldn't have this constant "nagging" and feeling like I REALLY need to do something, maybe I could handle myself better. I dunno..I'm a mess.... Link to comment
Scout Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Ironpumper, is it possible you're holding on to this idea of a relationship with her because in your heart you know it's not going to happen? Because people tend to do this when they feel insecure and unable to actually be in a real relationship. So they wrap themselves up in something that's just not gonna happen. In short, they create a fantasy relationship instead of doing the work on themselves necessary to forging a real one. Could this be a possiblity for you? If so, I'd like to help you. This is no way for you to live your life, agonizing and in misery all the time. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Iron, I have been there....done that. She is NOT a need..she is a want. When you feel she is becoming a "need", I feel as if there is something not healthy in this situation. Are you sure that what you are feeling is "Love" rather than "obsession"? I don't mean to sound harsh but i have read MANY of your posts and personal blogs with your permission. We have discussed this many times yet you have made NO forward progress. Let me ask you this? What do you want from her? What do you expect from her? What would make thses feelings go away? The truth stands at this...If you are so obsessed with this woman now....what is going to happen if you see her with somoene else? AGAIN, PLEASE don't get me wrong..I mean no harm..NO foul whatsoever.. The fact is...you think you feel badly now, .....be careful, you could be setting yourself up for some serious emotional trouble. PLEASE BE CAREFUL!!!!! Your Friend, SuperDave71 Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 I don't know his situations, but is this so unusual? To think that someone really was "the one" and that you need to do everything you can to salvage that relationship? I don't know but I feel the same way that he does. My ex probably isn't the best man for me, but I know that both of us could have done things differently. I know that he needs professional help, but I still don't want to give up on him, even now that he's with someone else. I mean SuperDave, deep down you didn't give up on your ex or you wouldn't be back together. Maybe I'm missing something here. I don't feel like I'm obsessed with my ex, but I can really relate to ironpumper right now. Link to comment
Scout Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 To think that someone really was "the one" and that you need to do everything you can to salvage that relationship? It depends on what evidence you are using to base your conclusion that person is "the one." Generally, it helps to have had a serious relationship with them to aid in your thought processes here. Otherwise, you could be basing such a grandiose idea on a fantasy you wish had taken place, or want to take place. Link to comment
ironpumper Posted January 16, 2007 Author Share Posted January 16, 2007 Ironpumper, is it possible you're holding on to this idea of a relationship with her because in your heart you know it's not going to happen? Because people tend to do this when they feel insecure and unable to actually be in a real relationship. So they wrap themselves up in something that's just not gonna happen. In short, they create a fantasy relationship instead of doing the work on themselves necessary to forging a real one. Could this be a possiblity for you? If so, I'd like to help you. This is no way for you to live your life, agonizing and in misery all the time. I don't know Scout..Maybe..I do feel really insecure, I was at lunch with some co-workers today (I usually eat alone) and felt very insecure, but I don't know why. Superdave, I know you only have my best interests at heart, and I consider you a good friend. You ask what I want, what I expect? I suppose I just want to be able to see her and talk to her every now and then. I know that's awkward for her, and me, as she knows how I feel. But she's known for a long time now, and it didn't cause problems before. I know all this, all y'all are telling me, I wrestle with it everyday. Part of me is screaming "RUN AWAY!! FAR FAR AWAY!" and another part is nagging me to "DO SOMETHING!!"...It's everyday, non-stop. I just want peace for once. Maybe if I could get the NERVE up to talk to her, lay it all out and see where she wants to go from here or if we ever have a chance?? Link to comment
Scout Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 ironpumper, you didn't really answer my previous question about what exactly has transpired between you two, if you were ever in any kind of relationship, etc. If this is something you feel more comfortable talking about in a private message, feel free to ping me. As for your feelings of insecurity, a lot of us have 'em, friend. What we need to learn are the tools to gaining a bit more comfort with people, to figure out what we're afraid of. It's not an overnight process. But think of it as an "emotional workout program." You know this is an anonymous forum. It's a safe place to talk about your insecurities, and you will not be judged. Maybe you can share a few things that make you nervous about the opposite sex, or just people in general? We've got all the time in the world to talk about this stuff! This forum is here for just such issues. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 ebsmith, Actually, I did give up on her. I really, really did. She came to me and knocked on my door because she couldn't contact me...I had no idea it was her when I answered the door. Long story short,...I said I would have to think about seeing her again because I was dating somone else and her rebound left her. It took her 5 months of SHOWING me that she wanted to try again.. It took me 2 more months to believe her..and we have been together ever since. Does this help? I did however let her go...and I mean COMPLETELY. The reason why we worked was because HER ACTIONS SPOKE LOUDER THAN ANY WORDS.... -SuperDave71 Link to comment
onelittleladybug Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Ironpumper, Scout and SD are giving you some really good advice here. I just want to add one thing. Can you think of how it would be if you focused all this energy that you spend thinking of her on yourself for a while? Maybe just try an hour at a time or a day. After my breakup all my thoughts and feelings focused on him only, being mad at him for leaving, wanting to change him and change his mind. Then I focused on me but I only focused on whats wrong with me and how I contributed to the problems in the relationship. Then I focused on him again for a while... But then one day I found myself thinking of me, what I want, what I need, how I need to make my life better and how I can. The breakup is still on my mind in the morning, during the day and at night when I go to sleep but instead of having that desperate feeling I focus on my needs instead. I think about how I wasnt getting what I needed either. I still feel anger sometimes and get upset but at this point what that tells me is that I AM NOT READY to go back. When I stopped thinking about what I could do to get him back, I realized I was far from ready. My life was in a downward spiral before the breakup and after my mind had cleared up enough to have rational thoughts again I realized that was the first thing I had to focus on before anything else. I don't assume that I will get back together with the ex but I don't completely deny it either. Last night I made a deal with myself that when the time came that he expressed remorse (in my experience they usually do at some point) I would be true to myself and not push him away just because I was angry. But I know that if/when that happens I have to be ready because I don't want to go through something like this again. 1 Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Excellent post onelittleladybug! excellent!! SuperDave71 Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Hi there, Sorry to hear that you're hurting right now One thing (and sorry if this sounds harsh): Perhaps you did not give NC a fair shake? If, for the past three months of NC, you were simply crossing off each passing day, constantly immersed in thoughts about your ex, you might as well have remained in full contact w/ your ex, wouldn't you say? I am probably repeating the obvious but we all know that NC is for us and to heal us; so other than NOT talking to your ex, what steps have you taken to actively lead you down the path of healing? I am not an avid NC advocate: I do believe that it has to be discriminately applied. I also believe that sometimes people gotta do what they gotta do, even though it might NOT be the best and the most healthy thing to do. At the same time, if you make the choice to go down this difficult path, then, IMHO, you have to own up to your decision. In other words, if you are choosing NOT to let go and to delay your healing process because letting her go and not having her in your life is the worst thing that you can imagine, then I think it's probably better for you to NOT push yourself TOO hard away from her. BUT then you gotta accept the fact that the choice you've made (i.e. keep thinking about her, not moving away from your ex and onward along the path of healing, etc etc) will inadvertently be accompanied by pain (of your own making). Bottom line: YOU gotta choose, as hard as it may be. There really can be no grey area, I'm afraid I would ask that you choose YOU and choose to heal but I understand that sometimes we got to get certain things out of our system before we can truly start to heal. Hang in there and please know we're here to support you in whatever decision you make. Take care of yourself~ Link to comment
ironpumper Posted January 16, 2007 Author Share Posted January 16, 2007 One little ladybug (great name btw), Yes, y'all ARE giving me excellent advice and help and I SO appreciate it! I do focus on myself a LOT..I work out everyday for sometimes more than 3 hours, I have a bunch of hobbies I pursue, just to keep my mind off things, I concentrate on my health and well-being, BUT... Bottom line is I LOVE this woman, without any doubt, and a part of me can't understand why this is such a CRIME. It goes against everything I ever believed in. She's hurt me time and time again, yet I still have these deep deep feelings. It's totally crazy, I never experienced ANYTHING like this before, it's ludicrous, but it's more REAL than anything I ever experienced... I've had my heart broken before and was able to move on, why is this so different? I guess it's because we NEVER really gave things a chance..I think if we could at least TRY, I'd feel better if it didn't work. We went out on a dinner date once, and she seemed very nervous at first, but settled down after that. I asked her once if we could at LEAST try things for a while..She said she'd think about it. I never followed up. I told her once that "we would never have a relationship because I'm too old"-She got upset and asked me "What am I supposed to do? Forget about the last few years?" I'm just in a sad state y'all. This NC is SUPPOSED to be working by now, or so I thought. I'm still crying, and having dreams. I just want things BACK to normal again...... Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Thanks Super Dave, I'm glad you explained that because that's where I need to get. I second Dave's comment about OneLittleLadyBug's post, that's where I need to be. I don't really think my ex is coming back, but I have to get myself to that place that you are at. Link to comment
ironpumper Posted January 16, 2007 Author Share Posted January 16, 2007 Thanks Ellie..I know, I HAVE to choose and ACCEPT whatever happens. Scares me to death. I keep putting it off and it nags me, ya know? It's like you know you REALLY need to do something, but procrastinate and it constantly nags ya...I guess I'm just afraid of the results... Link to comment
Ellie2006 Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Hey Ironpumper, I hear ya about those "what if's" driving us insane!! Just my two cents but while those sadly beautiful "what ifs" are non-existent, our reality is staring right at us and is demanding that we address them ASAP! I don't think there's anything wrong w/ fully experiencing the range of emotions that a break-up evokes; as a matter of fact, trying to mask our sadness or delay dealing with it might be even more detrimental. At the same time, we should NOT allow our sadness to overwhelm us. Stay strong, okay? Also, please be extra kind to yourself while you heal ... indulge yourself w/ a nice slice of Georgia peach pie, get plenty of rest, get some fresh air, exercise, pamper yourself, hang out w/ off-line and on-line friends, watch silly sitcoms and just laugh! Hope you feel better soon! Hugs, Ellie 1 Link to comment
onelittleladybug Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Thanks superdave, ironpumper, ebsmith. Glad you like the post. Link to comment
ironpumper Posted January 16, 2007 Author Share Posted January 16, 2007 Thanks Ellie! I appreciate the encouragement! I've got a spin class in a while, that always helps. I have good friends at the gym, and they help me out sometimes. It's good to know I have friends here too...AAAAAAAARGH! My heart's aching right now...For a big guy (6'4"-230 lbs of lean muscle) I sure feel like a wimp.. Link to comment
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