Boyfriend and strippers

[piegirl]

Well I don't know about this one.

 

My BF and I have a great relationship really. We hardly fight typical disagreements and that but not truly fighting about much.

 

So Friday night the kids were staying at my mom's house and we decided to go out. Have not went out in months and thought it would be fun. So we go to the bar have several beers play some games and everything is going great. We decided it was time to leave and he asked to go the bar down the street or to the strip club. I thought the strip club was a joke of course. He knows how I feel about that. So I said yeah sure why not lets go. So we went to the strip club I was unhappy about it but felt like a fool as well for saying lets go. So we go in and he says lets play pool. So we go over to the pool tables and sit down. We were sitting there talking and things were ok. Then I had to go the restroom. I come back and he sitting where I left him with his arm around a stripper talking to her. So I sat down down said I was leaving and he said let me go to the restroom and we go. I walked out and waited by the car.

 

He came out said nothing to me got in and we came home. He unlocked the door let me in and left. I walked int eh house thinkign he was right behind me. I realized he had left and called his cell. He said was getting ciggarettes and would be right back.

 

I was already really mad so I started throwing some of my kids clothes in the car as well as my own. He came back asked if I was leaving him then and I said well if I deserve no respect from you than for you to be trying to pick up stripper right in front of me then droppign me off and leaving without so much as saying anything then why should I stay?

 

He said he did not want to pick up a stripper that he just wanted to know that he still could. He said he left so that I would cool off a bit.

 

I did not leave we have not talked about it anymore. I cannot help but feel that the trust I have always had for him has been shattered though.

 

What do I do? What do I say at this point? I love him he has been that father that my shildren have not had in their lives.

[zerohalo]

Wow.

 

I have been in a similar situation, and let me tell you, the guy is deluding himself if he thinks he was 'picking up a stripper.' That happens in "Dear Hustler" but not often IRL.

 

To the point at hand. He really, really screwed up. As far as your trust goes, look at this this way: he made no illusions about it at all, he didn't hide it. He told you right away what his intentions were. Does that make it ok? Hell no. But I'm just saying it could be much much worse. And I agree it was definitely a lack of respect for him to have done that in front of you, but in a way that may have been the point, he wanted you to see it. Not to hide it.

 

I would say this is salvagable, this could be his really weird way of telling you that there's a problem in the relationship. You have to decide if you love him enough to be able to forgive his lack of judgment, and work on repairing the damage dealt. Try to talk about it with him, but if things get too rough you may need to seek a professionals help.

[AwdreeHpburn]

umm....Piegirl?

 

SUPER no offense - but what are you doing??

 

First off, there's nothing wrong (imo) with men looking at porn or being turned on by half naked women. Duh - it would be MORE weird if they weren't, yeh?

 

But for him to completely dis-respect you like that is utterly ridiculous. And for you to believe that he was "only seeing if he still could" or that he actually just went to the store??? Rubbish!!

 

Girl - you need to do something to raise the view you have of yourself, improve your self esteem and DEMAND more from him.

 

If he's the father of your children and is going to be around - you need to make sure he treats you right!

[Batya33]

I feel badly for your children because children get attached so easily to father figures and this man is not married to you and apparently does not want to be in a monogamous relationship with you. I'd like to know if I can still eat 4 slices of pizza without gaining weight or feeling sick (like I did when I was 12) but I am mature enough not to try.

 

Please, for your childrens' best interests, let this man be with strippers - and far away from you -- and please do not get a man involved with your kids like that unless you are at least engaged with a wedding date in the very near future.

[zerohalo]

Wait a sec, did I miss something? This guy isn't your husband? Geez, how the heck did I miss that?

 

Ok, this definitely is a problem then. If this was a long term marriage, I'd stick by my original post. But if he's a long term boyfriend, then it's different. I don't know what to say really...

[piegirl]

I know that he has picked up strippers before not just from him saying that but other people that know it have said so. He has never hid things from me. Honesty to fault sometimes. I know that he does not lie to me. Not even about unimportant things. I do not doubt his honesty.

 

I guess I don't know what more needs said other than I feel that I cannot trust him to go out with friends without me. If he would do it front of me what holds him back when I am not there????

[jazzykat]

 

I guess I don't know what more needs said other than I feel that I cannot trust him to go out with friends without me. If he would do it front of me what holds him back when I am not there????

 

 

That is what I was about to say..

That, and I'm stunned..

 

Cliched, but true -You deserve better!

[birdgirl]

Sounds like low self-esteem to me. He wanted to see if he could still get attention from a stripper. What he doesn't seem to realize is, as long as he has dollar bills on him, he will get attention from them.

 

How long was he gone, when he left? Long enough to go back and get a lap dance? You would certainly be able to tell if he was going for cigs or going back to the bar, wouldn't you?

[piegirl]

We are not married because I said no. He is not my children's father. He has however been their father. This is a man that takes great care of us. When I lost my job he paid my bills and never asked for anything in return. When me or my children get sick is there.

 

This is a man that has enriched our lives like I never imagined was possible.

 

 

The whole stripper thing really has me stumped. I do think he went to the store for one he was gone 10 min. takes longer than that to go anywhere else around here.

[Hope75]

I have a couple of questions for you.

We are not married because I said no.

 

He asked you to marry him, and you said no- but you still want/expect a commitment from him. Why did you say no?

 

I guess I don't know what more needs said other than I feel that I cannot trust him to go out with friends without me. If he would do it front of me what holds him back when I am not there????

 

Do you really want to be with someone whom you have to police? If there is no trust, is there really a relationship?

[rocio]

It doesn't sound like he's given you any reason not to trust him. He's been honest with you and is good to you. You and your children sound lucky to have him, and I would forgive his lack of judgement on this occasion, as long as it is an isolated incident.

[piegirl]

Yes he asked me to marry him and I told him that while I wanted to be no one else I did wish to be married. It is my belief that marriage is nothing more than another unnessecary hassle. Why do people have to get married in order to be in a commited relationship. He seemed to understand my feelings be ok with it.

 

Do you really want to be with someone whom you have to police? If there is no trust, is there really a relationship?

 

You are right and I guess that is my concern. Up until this point trust has not been a big concern of mine. Is it something that you can get back?

[Batya33]

You are entitled to your views about marriage. My view is that when there are children involved they deserve at minimum to live in a stable home - with two married parents (or with just one parent where there is not another adult playing house with the mother or sleeping over - if the parents are not legally committed it typically is much less stable than if the parents are just living together, particularly where the father is not their bio father.

[Batya33]

I know that he has picked up strippers before not just from him saying that but other people that know it have said so. He has never hid things from me. Honesty to fault sometimes. I know that he does not lie to me. Not even about unimportant things. I do not doubt his honesty.

 

I guess I don't know what more needs said other than I feel that I cannot trust him to go out with friends without me. If he would do it front of me what holds him back when I am not there????

 

That's nice that he's honest with you - sounds like he is being honest for his own self interest - so that when you get upset about him cheating behind your back instead of right in front of you he can say I told you so. Hope you're getting tested every few months for STDs. . . .

 

Is this the role model you want for your kids - a man who hangs around and all over strippers including in front of you? Would you like your daughter to be involved with a man like that?

[rocio]

You are entitled to your views about marriage. My view is that when there are children involved they deserve at minimum to live in a stable home - with two married parents (or with just one parent where there is not another adult playing house with the mother or sleeping over - if the parents are not legally committed it typically is much less stable than if the parents are just living together, particularly where the father is not their bio father.

 

A little off topic, maybe?

[piegirl]

Batya33

 

Thank you for opinion many people differnt views on what makes a stable home. While mine are different from your I can assure you that my children as stable in our current home as they were when it was only me and them.

 

Their bio- father chose to leave them and not be any part their lives. This however was never a question. My children are happy and even if my BF and I were to no longer be together I can assure you that my children and my BF would maintain a relationship together. My BF and I have talked about it actually and he was very adamant that the only way he would not wish to be part of their lives is if they asked him not to be.

[piegirl]

Yes this a role model that I wish for my children to have.

 

 

My children are not the issue here if we could get back to that.

[Kalika]

Hun

I'm really surprised at you, honestly.. I mean, there are lots of guys out there who would give you a chance.. Granted he's been in the picture for a long time, but how can you be with someone who could say he did something hurtful just because he could?? What he did was INCREDIBLY disrespectful and I know of very few men that would even THINK they could get away with something like that. The fact that he was able to "honestly" tell you that he just did it to see if he could just shows that he'll do anything he thinks he can get away with. He knows he's got you and you might complain about being disrespected, but you won't really do anything about it.

 

You teach others how to treat you. You are teaching him that he can disrespect you TO YOUR FACE and that you will put up with it.

[Batya33]

Batya33

 

Thank you for opinion many people differnt views on what makes a stable home. While mine are different from your I can assure you that my children as stable in our current home as they were when it was only me and them.

 

Their bio- father chose to leave them and not be any part their lives. This however was never a question. My children are happy and even if my BF and I were to no longer be together I can assure you that my children and my BF would maintain a relationship together. My BF and I have talked about it actually and he was very adamant that the only way he would not wish to be part of their lives is if they asked him not to be.

 

Well, hmm, your children are the issue because you are a package deal, right? Who you pick to be your boyfriend is who you pick as a role model for your children since you have chosen to let him become involved with them. It's a bit problematic that you don't have that perspective.

That is very nice of your boyfriend to want to stay in touch with your kids. Since he has no legal or family ties to them you are risking your children getting attached and him disappearing - not a very stable situation for your children, don't you agree? And, what happens if you get involved with someone new - how confusing for them to have your (ex??) boyfriend involved and a new boyfriend. Revolving door.

 

I am sorry the bio father disappeared but that makes it even more important, in my opinion, that you not risk yet another man disappearing on them.

 

So - if it were only you involved I would say the same- he sounds disrespectful, decent percentage of sleaze factor and likely a high risk when it comes to STDs.

 

I am sorry to harp on the issue of the kids. I work with kids from broken homes and this post just screamed out danger to the kids involved. I won't say more on the topic.

[piegirl]

My children were not the point of this post I will not discuss this with you further.

[Batya33]

I believe you mentioned your kids in the first post and I will say no more than I said. I wish you the best of luck with your boyfriend. I hope you choose not to see him anymore and that if you do choose to see him that you get tested for STDs at least every three months. I also hope you figure out soon what you're worth as a person because if you are willing to put up with this type of behavior it seems to me your self esteem must be quite low. Have you considered counseling?

[piegirl]

I mentioned my kids as well as the facts that so far in our relationship we have had some issues. These issues have never involved trust.

 

I want to believe that for him it more a matter of doing something stupid. That he and I both know should never have happened and believe me if it or anything similar were to have ever happened before or ever happens again I would leave.

 

I wanted to see how other people would feel. I do not have self esteem issues.

 

I believe that my BF is a good person. He rarely goes out without me. I know all of friends and they for the most part are also good people. I have no reason to believe that my BF has actually cheated on me.

 

Thank you all for your opinions but I did come here to have parenting questioned.

[Batya33]

I mentioned my kids as well as the facts that so far in our relationship we have had some issues. These issues have never involved trust.

 

I want to believe that for him it more a matter of doing something stupid. That he and I both know should never have happened and believe me if it or anything similar were to have ever happened before or ever happens again I would leave.

 

I wanted to see how other people would feel. I do not have self esteem issues.

 

I believe that my BF is a good person. He rarely goes out without me. I know all of friends and they for the most part are also good people. I have no reason to believe that my BF has actually cheated on me.

 

Thank you all for your opinions but I did come here to have parenting questioned.

 

Yes, you mentioned that but when you discuss a relationship and you also discuss that you are a mother and that your boyfriend interacts with your kids, it is reasonable for people like me to ask about the impact on the kids - and reasonable to believe that your decision whether to stay or go would depend on the impact, if any on your kids. In my last post, as you requested, I spoke only of you as I do below.

 

I find it curious that you would post here if you believe your bf is a good person who is trustworthy. I don't know either if he has cheated but his behavior, to me, is inconsistent with a monogamous, exclusive, committed relationship - it is not cheating if he didn't have sex with the stripper but to me it is tacky, disrespectful and sleazy. But that's just me.

 

People make mistakes. It depends on the seriousness of the mistake and the chance that it will recur based on an evaluation of the person's reaction to his or her mistake and the circumstances. That is a personal decision for your to make. If it were me, the respect I have for myself would not allow me to date, much less be seriously involved with, a man who thought it was ok to come on to a stripper in front of me, for the reasons he gave - this was not a mistake -he wanted to do this because it was important for him to feel desired by a stripper.

 

In that case, I would not want him around me and I would not want anyone I cared about (my friends, parents, sibling, etc) to see me affiliating with a person like that. But that's just me. It sounds like you have confidence in him and that you trust him - perhaps posting this made your realize that. I understand that you will give him one more chance (again, not what I would do, but that is irrelevant).

 

More power to you for realizing what a wonderful man he is to you, and good luck.

[AwdreeHpburn]

This is a man that has enriched our lives like I never imagined was possible.

 

Piegirl - I don't doubt his honesty or goodness. I'm sure he's a "good" guy. There IS an issue though, yes? That's why you posted to begin with? You feel lke there's something missing or ou can't FULLY trust him or what?

 

You don't trust him to be faithful when you're not there, but you do trust him to tell you about it afterward cos he's honest about such things??

 

well...I'm sort of confused about the issue of the post then. Cos whilst I see that you appreciate many of the things he's done, there are many magical, wonderful, ENRICHING people out there who you WILL be able to trust... or not feel uncomfortable with at least....

[GQstatus]

Bat is always talking some smack!!

 

Piegirl- even though I agree with the others, what he did was EXTREMELY disrespectful, I don't think it's THAT big of a deal to just up and leave him. Any man that takes children under his wing that are NOT his, has a good heart. Doesn't make him perfect, but he obviously loves you a lot.

 

Had you guys been drinking this night? Not that, that is an excuse. But come on, anyone that has been to a strip club KNOWS women will come up to you, flirt, touch, etc to get a couple bills. The fact that you WERE there and he KNEW you'd have to come out of the bathroom eventually, and he still had his arm around a stripper, was a little idiotic on his part.

 

Does he go out a lot, without you?