BF cheated, can i trust him again???

[maladie]

i found out that my bf cheated on me last year with THREE different women, one of them was actually an on-going affair. all four of us believed we were the only one he was seeing at the time. had we not found out at the same time, he probably would have continued pulling strings with all of us. a very dangerous game. needless to say i was devastated and highly disgusted. he moved out (i kicked him out), we spent some time apart but a business project we were working on at the time forced us to see each other often and we eventually talked. he begged me not to leave him, claiming that he couldn't imagine life without me, that he knew he needed help and that he loved me. so we decided to try and work things out.

 

there were so many signs that i should have paid attention to and so many lies he told straight to my face that now i'm paranoid about every single person in his life, every phone call, every text message, every e-mail. it's not enough for him to just TELL me, he has to SHOW me that he's trustworthy. i believe that since he betrayed my trust, he has to sacrifice some things to regain it. above all pride. but i don't think he sees things the same way.

 

while we've made a lot of progress and addressed a lot of the problems that led to his infidelity, to this day my bf not only locks his phone but hides it by stuffing it deep down in his bag at all times when with me! he has a password in addition to the key lock. he has phones that for a long time i didn't know the numbers to. he has personal e-mail accounts that i don't even know the addresses to (i only know his business accounts). he never uses my computer because he thinks i'm going to track his passwords. why go to such extremes if he has nothing to hide??? there is no way i feel like i can trust him right now. i admit that sometimes i snoop and i'm not proud of it, but i only do it because i have reason to. before when he was sleeping around with other women behind my back, i NEVER thought to go through his pockets or his phone. the last time i did i found a text message that started off "hi honey, oh man rough day at work...". i called the number one day and found out it was some woman in the DR, he must have met while he was there on that "business trip". What the ?!

 

when i found out he cheated last year, he begged me to stay and said "i'll do whatever it takes to make you trust me again". what i want him to do is show me that he has nothing to hide. leave the phone out instead of hiding it, write e-mails while i'm around, show me who just texted him a msg. little things like that. is it normal for me to feel this way and ask these things of him? am i stupid to trust him again? what do other couples do? is there a way to have this conversation about privacy and boundaries, and what happens when you both have completely different limits?

 

please help!

[Siriana]

i found out that my bf cheated on me last year with THREE different women, one of them was actually an on-going affair. all four of us believed we were the only one he was seeing at the time.

 

1. am i stupid to trust him again?

 

2. what do other couples do?

 

3. what happens when you both have completely different limits?

 

please help!

 

1. Yes

2. They brake up

3. You brake up

 

My idea is: brake up with him, don't be a doormat

[Cindersam]

If he really wants you to trust him again he should have no problem with these "boundaries".

 

Unfortunately you still do not trust him and that is a major sign. You are driving yourself crazy wondering if he can be trusted and chances are that he can't. Even if he is being faithful to you, you have been through so much with him that you will probably never be able to trust him. You will always wonder about little things. It's not worth it.

 

Several years ago I dated a man that I found out was cheating on me. We broke up and got back together several times. Each time I tried to trust him but questioned everything he said and did. It was too stressful. I finally broke up with him and vowed not to give him another chance. He started sending me flowers at least once a week. SOme to my home some to my work. THis went on for a few months. I did not respond but I felt it was his way of trying to get me back again. I found out later that while he was sending me the flowers he was engaged to someone else!!!

 

I never should have given him all the chances that I did. I wasted a lot of time and energy on him. Not to mention driving myself nuts questioning everything.

 

My next relationship was a very honest one. I totally trusted him and never questioned what he said or did. WHAT A DIFFERENCE!!!!! It was so nice to just be able to trust someone and believe everything he told me. You deserve that type of relationship. Don't waste your time with a cheater. There are plenty of good ones out there.

[itsallgrand]

This man is all talk.

 

It seems you were clear about what you needed in order to begin to trust him again.

 

He hasn't met the conditions.

 

That is not doing 'everything he possibly can'.

 

For your self, you need to now follow your word. Cut him out of your life.

 

If you don't, he will continue to do this to you. And I wouldn't be surprised if he is/will cheat on you again.

Why? Because you allow it, and it is what he does. He is not trustworthy.

 

Putting your head in the sand in order to hold on to hopes won't protect your butt.

[Hope75]

Oh Man.

 

Yep. You should NOT be trusting this guy. Not only was he cheating on your but with THREE different women? This was not a one time error that he in intensely remorseful for- this was a conscious juggling act that he performed with all of you every day. This guy is Grade A rump roast.

 

And now you are giving him another chance under the pretense that he will work to earn your trust.... but yet he hides his cell phone and keeps all emails and voicemails under password lock and key. He's showing you that he can't be trusted... he's acting sneaky and deceitful, and (to me at least) what he did before is totally unforgivable.

 

I can understand that you love this guy but trust me when I say that he is not worthy of that love and cannot and should not be trusted. It's a two way street. He's not showing you any love, respect or consideration. You deserve so much more than this and I hope that you recognize that and take the steps to leave him... for good this time.

[Northalius]

The thing is, it was only when you found out about him cheating, that he begged you to stay with him. This is the typical cry of a child that thinks playing with matches is fun, until they burn the house down.

 

Well, if you accept him back, you're not only giving him more matches to play with, but rebuilding the house that you spent time and money on... of which he'll most like burn down, yet again.

 

Please, have more self-respect and wisdom, and do not let him back in again? He's obviously a player, and a big one at that.

 

Three women? And you're wondering if you can trust him?

 

Once someone cheats, no matter how much they beg, plead and whine, trust is furthest from my mind there on. Once a cheat, always a cheat. If they weren't nice enough to stay faithful to me from the start, then who can say they'll not cheat on me a second or third time after seeing me become Mr. Doormat, letting them back in afterward?

 

The more you give a selfish person (like this guy) slack, the more they'll take advantage of you.

 

If you can't trust your partner, then the relationship is not even worth staying in. Trust is one of thee most important things in a relationship. You're going to spend years upon years always wondering if he's secretly cheating on you again! That's just not healthy for your own mind.

 

Drop him and move on.

 

You can take my advice, or learn the hard way, yet again. It's up to you.

[Northalius]

I can understand that you love this guy

 

I can't.

 

Bold statement for me to make, but I believe it to be true:

 

She doesn't love this guy, she just loves the act he's putting on for her.

 

If someone acts, then they're not being who they truly are inside; if they're not who they truly are, yet you say you love them, then you don't actually love them, but a mask they put on for you to love.

 

She needs to snap out of these old feelings, they're clouding her judgement and logic.

[RayKay]

While it is possible for couples to "recover and heal" from infidelity, I hate to say it but this is not seeming to be one of those relationships. Mainly because he is not putting the effort into it, or really showing he has changed and is committed to it.

 

All that secrecy about his passwords, and phone is not only obsessive, it is suspicious, and someone trying to regain their partners trust would NOT be so secretive.

 

Not only that, but his cheating was not a one time huge mistake, he PLANNED his cheating very carefully in order to do it to four women, he made choices daily to cheat over and over by continuing these relationships.

 

And, I honestly think he is still doing it; if not with the same women, with others. I hope those other women did not accept it and kicked him out of their lives, something you DEFINITELY need to do.

 

I know you feel you care for him, but he is NOT showing you love or respect; and I can tell you that someone whom loves you 100% and is committed to you is MUCH more satisfying then the scraps this guy is giving you. Don't give your love to people whom don't take care of your heart.

[maladie]

whoa, thanks for all the responses! i really appreciate everyone's honesty and candidness. i almost wish i had found this website a year ago when all of this just happened. as it is, it's now been almost three years that i've been involved with this man and it obviously doesn't get any easier over time. but i'm trying to digest all of your comments and do the right thing.

 

i left out a MAJOR detail which may or may not make a difference, i realize after reading the responses that it sounds like my bf made no effort to change after i told him what i needed but that's actually not the case, he did make a huge effort and still does (calling me to let me know where he is, always introducing me to people as his gf, if someone sends him a flirtatious e-mail he tells me about it, etc)... thing is i was still paranoid that he wasn't telling me the truth and i wanted to know who he was talking to online and installed one of those logger programs. he found out and was really angry because he felt his privacy was violated. understandable, but this is one of our points of contention. i think it is something he can and should sacrifice given what happened but he's very uncomfortable with it.

 

this was quite a while ago and this continues to come up as an issue. i'm still young and not overly experienced with relationships, so i have talked to many people about this and gotten varied responses: "try dating other people".... "break up with him now and for good".... "i know both of you and you were destined to be together, when times get rough hold onto that".... "give it time and if things don't change, move on".... i don't want history to repeat itself and that's where my paranoia comes in, but i also wonder how couples DO overcome fidelity and learn to trust again. i know that if he ever cheated on me again it would be over for good, because we addressed all the problems we had leading up to it and he got his second chance. with all this in mind, any more insight?

[Siriana]

If you can't trust him you have every right to leave. It depends on a person and a particular situation - sometimes cheating can be forgiven, and sometimes not.

I for example wouldn't bother to excuse cheating if we were just bf and gf, young, not married, no children..basically no everyday chalenges that make your life really difficult.

 

Also I wouldn't be thrilled that someone decided to cheat even if there were major problems in relationship and with 2 kids down the road because there are better and more mature ways of dealing with things (of course I can't say what I would do than with 100% certainty because every situation speaks for itself and I am waaay to far from marriage and kids).

 

But when someone cheats on you 3 times!!!! that's a different story. It tells a lot about a person. For me that is an insult to my dignity and my efforts in relationship and a sign of my partners extreme weakness.

 

If you were older, married with children my advice would be less upfront -something along the lines of seeing a therapist together.

 

But if you're not so experienced in relationships I bet you could do better - but maybe you don't know what else exists since you didn't try.

 

Oh and one more thing logger program was a bad idea!

[yeawutever]

Why put up with such poorly treatment. I just don't how, if there's no trust in a relationship, if it's been broken then why still stay, might as well move on and find a decent guy that won't spread an STD on you. Who knows with how many other girls he's been cheating on besides those four.

[Hope75]

I'm worried that even with the behaviours he is showing you that he is working on it, there are other behaviours that he is showing that aren't even close to being open with you about him. The hiding of his phone and secretive behaviour with the phone calls...

 

And again, I hate to harp on this but he did not make just ONE mistake one time and was regretful and remorseful and realized his mistake. He cheated with THREE different women and had one other relationship on the side that was long term! That is not a mistake-- that is a conscious choice he made every day to cheat on you and lie to you and hide all those other women- no easy feat! In other words, he knew exactly what he was doing and had no respect or love for you or he never would have done such a thing. This is a behaviour pattern for him... one that is not likely to stop.

 

Honey, this is not a good person to be with, and after a few stunts like that, there is no way you should be trusting him again. I think if you stay with him you are going to get cheated on again, if he isn't at it already.

 

Please be smart about this and leave him. You deserve alot more.

[maladie]

sorry i haven't been online in a while, been trying to sort out my life. thanks again for the responses, syrix and hope i'm sure you'll both be VERY happy to hear that i have taken your advice and gotten myself OUT of this horrible situation. he's out of the country at the moment and since he left it's become clear to me that he hasn't cared about me or our relationship in a very long time. he's merely been taking advantage of the comfort of having a girlfriend to come home to. [-(

 

you're right i do deserve more than that and i thank you and everyone else who posted for helping me see what a bad decision it was for me to stay with him as long as i did. i'm working on rediscovering what it means to be me because i lost serious sight of that over the past 3 yrs... hopefully my next relationship will be a more loving and trusting one.

 

PHEW! it's going to be hard, but i have faith that i will make it. thank you all again for your advice and encouragement.

[Hope75]

Maladie,

 

I am glad to hear it!

 

You do deserve more.

 

Did you officially end it with him?

 

How did he take it?

[Siriana]

I am VERY happy you decided to away

 

This guy will never change.

Once a cheater always a cheater...but wait, in his case: once a triple cheater, always a... oh, I am lost now...

 

Be strong and good luck.

I really think you deserve more than he gave you.

What the heck you deserve the best!

[yeawutever]

It's about time you finally woke up and kick his sorry behind to the curb, good to hear that. He was all talk and talk, no actions.

[maladie]

Thanks again for your support!! Well he's still out of the country and last time I tried calling the connection sucked. He hasn't tried to call me since he left, so I decided I'd rather send him a letter via e-mail anyway and I'm about go mail the same letter to his home along with his keys. The letter didn't warrant a response and I don't expect one. All it basically said was that it was over, and that I hoped he would some day come to terms with his "issues".

 

It turns out my bf is a "pathological liar" with a superman complex which the more I learn about this disorder the more I realize it explains so much about his behaviour. After I discovered his cheating he was initially very cold and withdrew from me saying that he deserved to be alone and no longer cared what happened to him because he had lost everything. I was surprised at how easily he appeared to tuck away his emotions and just continue without me, until one day he broke down in front of me. I thought he'd hit rock bottom and that's probably why I ended up getting sucked back in.

 

Since then, there are many things--some major, some trivial--that I KNOW he lied about and even more that I'll probably never know. This is why it was so difficult arguing with him because he had excuses for everything, knew how to twist his stories, even his best buddy backed him up. There would be times when he wouldn't be around or wouldn't call, and he'd always have a reason. Something would come up last minute. But then I would get random text messages... or he'd say things that just didn't make sense. His life seemed so disorganized I thought maybe that was the reason why I couldn't get a straight answer on anything. But then it dawned on me that this seemingly normal, cool, passionate, witty, smart, ambitious guy that EVERYBODY loves is really a carefully crafted persona. He's been doing a really good job playing the role except every once in a while he confuses his two realities. I think I stayed as long as I did because I really wanted to believe he was who he made himself out to be or that one day the lies would just stop. How else can you explain someone cheating with 3 different people and all 4 women involved had absolutely no clue!? He lied to all 4 of us! He worked very hard at keeping us all in the dark and as a result his life was utter chaos... job, work schedule, family relations, financial situation, legal situation... everything. He's the kind of guy you desperately want to help but who wants to do it all himself. Instead, he distracts you by making you feel unique and special and doing everything in his power to serve as the "enabler" in your life. Then when he's had his fill (or you begin to suspect you're not the only one) he withdraws completely and walks away.

 

There! Doesn't that sound about right?? Crazy....

[Siriana]

What a sick person he is!

[yeawutever]

Damn he definitely needs to see a psychiatrist or go a mental hospital, he's not right in the head, but that's up to him, you're not responsible for his mental disorder. It's good that you found out on time you were really seeing.

[blindfold]

FOUR different women? we're not talking about the classical "you weren't giving me enough attention"- excuse... dump him... believe me, it'll be for the best..