Trying to see the wood for the trees

[Jlizzy]

Been battling with this for months and still haven't made a decision.

 

I'm unsure about my relationship with my boyfriend of 9 months.

*For MONTHS I've had issues with him spending most of the week not coming to bed but being in the sitting room til 5/6 am watching tv, playing playstation and falling asleep on couch. I have to leave at 7ish for work. He ideally at about 8/8.30 but often goes late or says he's working from home.

Hard to tell of late due to christmas and he's been away here and there to visit family and for business. But when he started work again after xmas he was into bed around 2am...Bit soon to know if it will stay this way.

*We still have a routine of him watching tv when I or we get home...we just sit there like couch potatoes. He rightly pointed out that I don't make many suggestions for other things either. I need to make a point to do so.

*He's strong in his belief that I was wrong to be offended when he ate over half of a little kind of a cake before I got home, that I love and stated beforehand I love, that my mum brought back from Spain for us. I said nothing but eventually he kept winding me up for at least half an hour on it until finally I got annoyed. He has since wound me up about it and my pleas for him to stop coz I'm not fnding it funny anymore don't seem to deter him..then he acts all surprised and miffed when finally half an hour later I lose my cool!

This winding up thing seems to be a growing trend which I don't like as my father put me through this a lot in my childhood.

*He's miffed with me for "begruding him" that extra 10% of a tiny spanish cake yet has hidden a bag of liqourice (dutch treat I love) all for himself claiming it's his and he has the right to have his own bag.

I know this stuff is really stupid and trivial but to me it's the principle behind it and it's such little things that are beginning to really get up my nose.

He's now trying to tease e and is sometimes serious as regards to me driving (he's teaching me) if I ask if I can drive us home from xyz he'll often say no. Sometimes it's a joke, sometimes it's coz I take longer to drive than he. Surely me driving home is better than asking him to give me a 1-2 hour lesson with no purpose or place to go to?

*When we argue he's prone to throwing verbal rocks and giving me the silent treatment. Finally he'll turn around and say sorry yadda yadda and talk to me.

*The majority of times my advances for sex no matter how subtle or obvious are rejected. I find this hurtfull as I assosciate sexual desire from a man with his general desire.

What makes it more hurtful is a- my bf has expressed enthuasiasm (jokingly) more times to the idea of 2 girls together than he ever has towards me in whatever way..

PLus I heavily get the impression when we're out that he has a wandering eye for pretty girls...hard to know for sure as his eyes wander LOTS anyway and he does not hold much eye contact which is another thing that annoys me greatly.

I find him disinterested in general. Eg the other day I came home trying to tell him abou my new job..I was excited about it...he made some remark like that's good and at the saem time walked out of the room.

 

Why am i still in the relationship?:

I love him.

He's generous -he takes me out for driving lessons, he buys me things, he pays for meals, he has paid a lot of money on occasions (it's not the amount that matters to me but the point that he can definatley be generous)

He has a good sense of humour -when he comes out. Normally i only see his humour and talkative side come out when we're out with people. This is another thing that saddens me. The lack of that which I oh so love about him.

He claims he doesn't see the problem and thinks I'm being too critical and that I'm in coocoo land...

 

Please any advice is welcome

[Relationship Coach]

There seems to be many RED FLAGS here and you need to confront him before it gets worse. Selfishness is the first thing that comes to mind here. Your feelings and needs are being totally ignored. You sound more like roommates than BF/GF. His wondering eye probably is a good indication of what is going on inside his heart and mind. It's time for a sit down. He needs to know that you as a person deserve better and it's time for him to put away his toys and act accordingly.

 

You say that you love him and list a few attributes but you can't equate his love for you by the amount of money he spends on you. That's not love and as long as he can get away with putting the blame on you for being too critical, nothing will ever change.

 

RC

[Jlizzy]

Thanks RC for great advice however we have already talked about this on a number of occasions. It's hard to tell in recent weeks due to christmas and stuff but he seems to be making SOME effort..but how much has yet to be seen and I feel indeed he is getting more and more selfish.

 

He also loves to point out to me all the things he does for me. I can't remember really the things I do for him, I think primarily because I'm not making up a list?

 

Also if hes the one who takes most pride in a clean kitchen (ie everything must be cleared away immediately) is it a valid argument on his part that he cleans the dishes for me without ever complaining about it? I think he does it more for himself than anything..

 

Hard to see the woods for the trees..it's very subtle and i'm confused about the possibilities that I am being too critical or not giving him a chance etc?

[Relationship Coach]

I'm glad that you've talked about it but has the talk helped? It doesn't sound that way to me. Great, the guy can do dishes, tell jokes and pay for a nice dinner. Does that make him exempt from meeting your needs, coming to bed at a reasonable hour, enjoy your pleasure in the cake more than his own and check out other women right in front of you?

 

You have come here to find out if you are being too critical....IMO the answer is NO! His pluses don't outweigh the negatives. You see it's the negative things that will bring an end to your relationship someday. I doubt you will kick him to the curb if he stops doing dishes but if he continues hurting you by checking out other women and denying your needs, well that = TROUBLE.

 

Don't defend him, you came here for help. From where I sit I have a clear view of the woods.

 

RC

[annie24]

I agree with what RC said. You two definitely don't sound like a young, 20 something couple. You sound more like an old, married, 60 something couple, snipping and biting at each other. The cake, I would let that issue go. I mean, it's not like he ate the ENTIRE cake. And it's probably best for our figures when our boyfriends eat most of the treats. But, yeah, it does seem to be a bigger part of the SELFISHNESS he is exhibiting.

 

 

 

I would say those are all red flags. One red flag that I have seen in my past relationships is when men are disinterested in my career or hobbies. I didn't think much of it at the time, but in hindsight, I think it's a big indicator of incompatibility. Plus looking at other women + pressuring you for a 3some, but rejecting your advances? red flags!!!

 

I think you may need to sit down and really talk to him about your relationship and where it is going. first, the nightly TV and playstation "dates" need to go. You two should go out somewhere a few times a week, be young. And talk to him about the other stuff, the hurtful comments are not ok. if he doesn't want to work on making the relationship better, then I would definitely leave.

 

good luck!

[Momene]

I get the whole thing about not coming to bed and it's frankly irritating. My wife is an internet chat room addict. Ther's loads of people addicted to telly, computer games, etc and the partner feels excluded.

 

Fortunately, my daughter is good company but she won't be at home for ever.

[Jlizzy]

Thanks for the responses!!!

 

Relationship couch -very good advice. So what's the story are you actually a counsellor/psychologist or?

 

 

You're right that the talks don't seem to really have helped. Though I AM currently seeing SOME differences and effort so I am really hoping somehow miracuously I've gotten through to him but I really fear at the end of the day, what I described is what I can expect as the longterm standard!

 

Lately now he seems to be also taking to enjoying winding me up and then getting miffed with me after half an hour of him widning me up and me saying ha you;re so funny I eventually say: honey I'm not finding this funny anymore.

 

RC-I questioned myself with my ex husband and am currently trying to figure out 1-if I question myself too much/ doubt myself too much I think answer is yes and followed from this -why?? I don't know...Seems I'm doing same with the bf.

 

I wonder rather than taking the calm rational approach should I just for once flip at him? Seems sometimes actually getting angry to the pt where the person knows oh oh this is bad/thisn has upset them does more wonders than taking the psychological, logical, calm, nicey nicey approach?

 

RC-Great pt you got it nail on the head-no I would never kick him to the curb for not doing dishes..in fact I would much rather see a dirty sink if it meant he would come to me/spend more time/give more focus to me...

 

Annie: Great pts too!

I don't think I would describe his behaviour as pressurising me for 3somes however ur comment did make me think and yes I feel (hurt that) he seems to be more turned on by the thought of 3somes and possibly other real women than by me and btw though I say so myself-I'm not overweight or ugly -I get a fair few compliments on my looks...

 

We;ve agreed we need to make more time for each other and get out more..I find he seems to be a fan of the blame game and so he tried to pt the finger at me that I don't suggest things etc..he does have a pt tho at the same time so when he's back form business I plan to make a pt to do so!

 

Guys how do I find a good balance between communication-talking to him but not having too many talks to the pt where he feels criticised? There's no doubt that whilst communication is highly important...having too many issues can be a killer too. I don't want to do that to him..

 

Momene -lovely to have someone who understands! My mum for some reason doesnt seem to get it..though I havent fully explained..as I dont want to give the full nitty gritty details such as I'd like more intimacy...The bf himself doesnt seem to see the issue at all!And yes how right you are-exlusion is the word...I like you feel excluded

[Momene]

I don't really know quite how do deal with being excluded. Upping and leaving isn't really an option for me. I still love my wife but don't think either of us are getting as much out of the relationship as we could do.

 

A lot of people in the same boat as us would go out with friends but I don't have any to go out with and I simply can't afford to go out. One of my issues is that if my wife's on the computer my daughter and I can off but if I'm on there, it's OK to interrupt me and tell me I have to stop what I'm doing as SHE needs attention. What is even more annoying is that 9 times out of 10 I'm not playing but dealing with the family finances or writing my book.