I still Love her and I want her back so much it's killing me

[bdwiii]

Hello everyone,

 

I was one of the old members on the message board. I had been a regular for quite some time and then I dropped off and out of sight. Why? Because after following the advice of a good book and all of the members of the board, it happened; I got my ex girlfriend back. Ten painful months had passed without event, but then one evening my cell phone rang and it was her. She wanted me to come over, I did, and we wound up together again.

 

A few months passed with either me going over there (mostly me going to her place) or her coming over to mine. All the while, she kept talking about me giving up my apartment and moving in with her. I was scared to do this naturally because we had gone through so much in the past. I feared if I did and things turned sour again, she would wind up throwing me out and I'd have nowhere to go. We talked about this and she swore she'd never do that. This time we were going to talk, work things out, and stay together no matter what. We both told each other how much we loved each other and that short of infidelity, nothing would be that bad that we could work our way through it.

 

The first couple of months were like heaven. We couldn't leave each other alone, sex was fantastic; we cooked wonderful meals, went places, did things, and just enjoyed being with each other again. I was on cloud nine. However, she was drinking alot, way more than she should have been. In fact, she lost her job of two years over it. I helped her through that by securing her unemployment, and representing her at her hearing (for benefits). I also got her to go with me to some AA meetings. She quit drinking and was doing wonderfully for a while, but then it started again. Now of course I'm no saint either, I have my own inequities as does anyone else. But her drinking was really starting to bother me. However, I didn't leave her, or want to leave her. I am one who believes if you love someone, you stick by them through thick and thin.

 

I don't know if it was the drinking or things I was doing, or what, but slowly but surely things started to fall back into the old pattern of arguing and fighting that caused us to part the first time. She wouldn't talk to me when these things happened, she just would get mad and clam up(as she always did in the past). Sometimes she'd just get her keys and take off for a few hours. Things went up and down like this for a while; there were times that things were just fine and felt relived that we were working things out.

 

I had recently returned to college, taking the summer off and have since returned for the second semester on the 25th. I got her to go back too and finish her degree as well. We were both going to work on bettering ourselves so we could have a better life together. I had been working part time and going to school for the entire first semester and she ws very supportive of that. Sharing the expenses and all it worked out great. Well, things were getting a little how should I say...murky....she started pulling away, I could feel it. In the middle of the month of July, I felt her withdrawing btu I didn't know why. I asked her about it and she'd just say, no, she was fine and not to worry about it. The weekend before the 21st of July my father called me and said they had some computer problems and wanted to fly me down to Key West Florida to have me work on them. It was an all expense paid trip, room and board in a beautiful house in the keys and a thousand a week. How could I say no? Besides, I hadn't seen my father in three years. When I told he I was going down there for a week to do this, she acted like she could have cared less. I might as well told her I was moving to Alaska. She was so unmoved either way. However, I couldn't tell anything serious was wrong.

 

Well, I got as far as Orlando and had an hour and a half layover and decided to call her and let her know I was OK. When I did, she was on the phone and I couldn't get through. I kept trying because we have call waiting and finally she answered. She was miserable, saying "God, you've been calling incesantly; I'm on the phone with Val (the neighbor girl)" Well I was hurt, and asked her what was wrong, why the attitude? And she just got quiet, and then said, "Look, I really can't talk to you right now" and hung up on me. I was so hurt and angry, that I just went on to Key West and never tried calling back. A week went by and finally I called to see what was going on. When I got her she sounded very subdued and distant. Like I was someone she really didn't want to talk to at all. I asked her what was going on, where "we" were at. She said, "Well, when you get back home, we have a lot to talk about." I said, why don't you just tell me what you mean by that? And she said when you get back I want you to look for another place to live. I didn't say anything--I kinda went numb-- then I just OK, if that's how you feel, then I guess it's for the best. She said she'd give me till the first of September, and I agreed. Well, on the 5th of August, my mother called to inform me that all my mail was banded up and dropped on her doorstep with a "eviction notice" typed by her and addressed to me. Stating that on that date, I was officially evicted from her apartment and that I was to call and make suitable arangements to pick up my belongings. In other words, she threw me out in the street with no where to go.

 

I flew home, tired, hungry and wanting a shower and had to go to my mother's because I was locked out. While I was gone she had the locks changed as well.

 

I'm here now at my mother's place and so miserable I'm half sick. I can't eat, sleep, or just function like a normal human being. When I did go over there to get my things (which are a lot) her parents were there and it was horrible. I never could have imagined so much hatred from her and them towards me. I hadn't done anything to deserve this. That's what hurts the most. not knowing WHY? I tried calling her two weeks after I moved my things to storage to try and talk, to get some answers. She was very mean and cold and told me never to call there again, that she didn't want to talk to me and hung up. I just can't believe that the same girl I held in my arms in bed, the one who would look in my eyes after making love and tell me she wanted to marry me, could do this to me without so much as an explanation. Not one word, she just did it.

 

So here I am again, a walking mess. I'm trying to do the best I can, but it's hard to get through each day. I find it hard to concentrate on my school or anything right now. I want so much to see her, to talk to her, and am fighting it every second of every day not to make an attempt because I know what the result will be. It's like I'm Satan himself now, she hates me.

 

Can anyone give me some advice on what I should do? I really need help right now.

 

Burt

[DREAM]

First of all…. Im so sorry to hear all that I cant there are actually people out there who will put someone throught all that..

 

Can I be hones with you… from my experience on giving people advise and taking in my self,,, there is someone else in her life and she has just realized on how to get rid of you and that is by being really harsh to you and for you to hate her. So if that is the case im so sorry there not really much you can do about that, but to leave her alone..

 

Its hard I know but just think of it this way its her lose and it's a good thing you should about that you can be this low now then after you married her.

 

Life plays so many tricks on us be we have to just learn form it.

 

So be strong and keep your chine up and face that world and show here what she missing out on.

[Mar]

Aww hon, I'm SO sorry to hear things went so horribly....I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, and not having the closure is the worst. I don't even know what to say to ease your pain, since obviously I'm as confused on the situation as you are, and not having even a REASON for her acting in such a way must be hell. I'm most shocked that she could turn into such a b itch in such a short time and not have the decency to at least tell you what her reasons are. From what you've said though, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You're sure there were no fights, nothing she'd criticized you about that she may have blown out of proportion in her mind while you were gone, nothing like that? If not, then my guess is that A) either she has some serious mental issues cropping up (and I DO say that in all seriousness, since something like bipolar disorder CAN go undiagnosed for quite some time) or B) she met someone else she feels she wants to explore a relationship with and decided the best way to end her current relationship was as she did, harshly and completely, so she was free to move on. But it truly astounds me that someone of college age can do such a terrible thing and have NO explanation for her actions whatsoever....I just can't get my mind around that one. Well, I suppose the obvious answer is to move on, hard as that is. If she calls, don't call back. She sounds narcissistic and cruel, and any further contact with her could only be more painful. Try talking to any mutual friends you might have and find out if they know why she did this, since obviously she won't tell you. (That's how I had to find out why my ex suddenly cut off all contact......my friend told me he'd eloped while he was with me and didn't have the nerve to end it with me first.) Other than that, I don't know what to say....just be with the people who love you and support you, do the things you enjoy, and eventually it will start to hurt a little less. Good luck, and stay strong.

[bdwiii]

Thank you so much for replying.

 

You know, at first that's what I thought too, that she was seeing someone else or had an interest to. But after that weekend I came home and moved all my things out of her apartment, her parents had stayed there a whole week or so afterwards. She also had not been going to work the whole week after. I know these things because I'm still very close to her apartment and sometimes pass by there. Her car is always sitting there in the drive; no one else's is there where I used to park, just hers. My aunt lives a stone's throw away from her and says the same thing, that she's home most every evening, and alone. No one else is there. So I just don't get it; if she was seeing someone else, you'd think they'd be over there on weekends, etc.. But so far it doesn't seem to be the case. Maybe I'm wrong, but it sure doesn't look that way. I also wonder if she's feeling somewhat as miserable as I am about all this now that she's had time for it to sink in. I mean why else would she have taken time off work after I was already gone?

 

I just don't know.. we promised each other that this would never happen again, and that no matter what, we would work things out; that we wanted to stay together forever. Yet she just did this out of the blue and without giving me any reason why.

 

We parted before, only she had been living with me at my place. It was so different then. I was so upset and pleaded with her not to go, but she did anyway. And it killed me then too, but I stayed away and time passed; a total of ten months went by and then one night she called me. But now it's tearing me apart because I think it's forever this time. I keep thinking of all the things that happened and mistakes I made, wishing I could go back and do things differently, that maybe this wouldn't have happened.

 

I know I need to get a grip, but I'm having a hard time with this right now. I started my second semester at school and I'm finding it very hard to even concentrate.

 

Thanks again for your kind words.

[bdwiii]

Thanks for your reply and I do agree with a lot you said.

 

In fact, yes, she does have issues. I know this becasue she had been taking antidepressants (but then stopped) and was also seeing a threapist (stopped that as well). When her drinking got particularly bad, I confronted her about it and she broke down crying and telling me I just didn't know how it felt, the feelings she has and has been dealing with for years. It really scared me, I thought, "my God, what's going on here, what am I dealing with here?" I layed there in bed holding her and stroking her hair; telling her that she had me there to talk to, to come to when she felt that way, not the bottle.

 

Yes, we had arguments, they were mostly because she would say something that was hurtful or act cold and I would get upset. After a while I started pulling away because of this too. But I never wanted to leave her, I intended to stand by her and work these things out. See, she is a very talented, bright, and sweet girl when this other stuff isn't going on. Also she has a hard time communicating. I used to have to beg her to open up and tell me what was wrong. She'd just keep it all inside and then explode.

 

I'm no angel either though, I admit it. I know I did some things that didn't help, but nothing that was so severe to desrve what she did and how she's treating me now.

[Mar]

All I can say is, stop dwelling on the "I should haves" or "If I'd only done THIS" type of thing.....people make mistakes, and if we had that 20/20 vision of the future, no one's relationship would ever end. Don't beat yourself up after the fact....she should be grateful that you let her back into your heart, knowing how hard that was for you in the first place! As far as her sitting home, I don't know. The evil woman side of me says "good, I hope she's suffering too, she deserves it." But as to why she is? No clue. Maybe she got fired again for bad behavior or started drinking again or what have you.....no clue. But don't blow your chances in college of moving on and up....I'd think of it as a chance to better myself in all ways, broaden my horizons, and work on my future so that I'd be that much better a person for the next woman who comes into my life. Cheesy, but that's just me....lol Either way, good luck, and don't let your entire future slip away because of the bad moment in your present...you WILL regret it later, trust me on that one! (Been there, done that, in other words....)

[bdwiii]

Thanks Mar, you're really sweet.

 

You're so right about everything. I just wishing and thinking that it didn't have to be this way. But it is, she did it, she wanted it, so I have to go on. This hurts like nothing I've ever known.

 

Thank you so much for your advice.

[DREAM]

Your gonna find it hard and that is something you have to over come and don't think you can cos it is possible,

 

Just be stong and enjoy life your young so live it, you don't wanna look back at your life and thing I so wasted it over nothing. Just be ready to face life all over gain with a bran new start.

[mr_ripley]

I think it's pretty obvious that the girl does have some serious mental health problems. Couple this with her drinking habits and we have a very sick girl indeed. I've had some problems with drink and drugs myself in the past so I know what it can be like. I have a feeling that she is currently feeling worthless. In feeling worthless she will make herself worthless and reject everything thats good in her life, unfortunately, your one of those things. Thats just my take on it, but it does sound like it might be the reason for your breakup. If this girl seeks counceling and gets her head on the straight and narrow then maybe you & her have a future together. Whatever you do though, don't contact her yet. Give her time.

 

Best of luck

 

-Tom

[bdwiii]

I agree.

 

Others have said the same thing as well. I'd really love that; for her to get straightened out that way once and for all. But I also know that it's something I can't fix for her, she has to do it herself and because she sees that she must and wants to. I do love her, but I know that we can't be together the way things are now. I just wish she'd at least talk to me. That's the hardest part to try to deal with, going from so loving and warm to ice cold and treating me like I was an ax murderer. I just don't get it. If there was even a shred of what she once felt for me, one would think she'd at least have the empathy to talk to me and explain why.

 

But for now I have to stay away and try to get on with my life.

 

Thanks again

[strawberrywine]

I agree this girl has serious mental issues. She's probably so depressed right now she doesn't know what she's doing. I don't know if contacting her would be a good idea or not..One side of me is thinking that she really NEEDS you to come after her right now, but the other side thinks that she has no excuse to treat you this way. What do you think?

[bdwiii]

Well, I waited two weeks since I moved my things out of her place(a gut wrenching experience) and then I did call her about three nights ago. When I called the first time I got her answering machine, and just hung up. But then I thought, no, I'll leave a message. So I called back and she answered; she was like ice. She said "What do you want?" I said I just called to ask you if you're alright, are you OK? and she said, "yeah I'm just fine." I asked her if she would just talk to me a little, and what I got was, "No, I don't want to talk to you, and I want nothing from you. Don't call here agian, if you do, I'll have the number traced. I'm hanging up now." and then click. That was it. I went home and wrote her a two page letter basically explaining how I feel and that I'm hurting badly over this, that I just didn't understand why she did it and why she now seems to hate me so much. I again asked her to talk, but I also said at the end of the letter that if I never got a reply, I would leave her alone for good.

 

I know I sound pathetic, and I shouldn't have done either the call or the letter. It only drives them further from you. I know this, but I couldn't help it. See, I think of the same thing you just said, if she is miserable and lonely etc.. it DOESN'T have to be this way! I want her to know that. But she chose this, I didn't and I guess I have to accept that I have no power over the situation. I just wanted her to know that I love her and I here.

[Mar]

hon, you're only making it worse for yourself.....though I DO understand the compulsion to call/write....it's never going to be settled in your head till you get an answer and that damned closure we all need in something like that. But STOP MAKING YOURSELF A DOORMAT! You should be angry as hell and thanking your lucky stars you don't have to associate with someone who could do this to you....is that the kind of person you really want to be with? Never mind the past good times and warm fuzzies, I think this is her true nature, if she can continue this awful treatment. You're better off without her NOW, than down the road 10 years and married with kids, you know? I'm sorry, don't mean to rant and rave, it just kills me that someone could treat another human being they supposedly loved in such a way, and the the recipient could still want to make amends. You have nothing to apologize to her for, SHE'S the one that owes you HUGE apologies! And since she doesn't have the good grace to even be civil to you with NO EXPLANATION, let her go. It hurts like hell, I KNOW that.....but let her go. She's only going to hold you back, and from what I've seen, you're too nice a guy to go grovelling after her when there's some sweet woman out there who'd be lucky to have you!

[bdwiii]

Thank you so much. I say this with teary eyes. You guys are really all great. I needed to hear these things and talk about them. It does help. Thank you all

[crookster_man]

This isn't something you need to deal with right now. However, I want you to think about this, why did you get back together with her? When people ask for advice to get back with there EX I say why? If it's because "I love them, I want/need/whatever them" I say "I'm not helping you hurt yourself again". You can see why now no?

 

What were you getting out of this relationship? She was fulfilling some need of yours, something so powerful that you threw common sense and your instincts to the wind. Figure out what she had to offer and find that in a sane person who treats other humans with RESPECT.

 

This is something you should think about in time, not now, not until you are ready to heal and grow.

 

Oh, BTW I wouldn't get to upset about her parents being mad at you. I know it sucks, but they are her parents of course they will be on her side. No matter what, that's just the rules. Take my case, my Ex cheated on me so I dumped her. When I talked to her parents in future months about getting some stuff, they were very cold and rude to me. Why? Because I hurt there daughter (for dumping her because she cheated on me). It doesn't make sense, but that's how unconditional love works.

[Mar]

I'm sure I speak on behalf of all of us when I say you're entirely welcome. (You're just lucky you caught us all at home, ready to give you a hand, because it's a holiday......lol )

[mfurb33]

Hey bdwii....listen to Crookster, he's right. People are always saying how bad they want to get back with their ex, (including myself for some time), and really, they never have any other reason besides this 'want' and 'need' nonsense. I'm not bitter towards my ex, and actually, I'm learning a lot about myself and really seeing things in a different light since she left. I also see friends relationships, and others relationships on this site that reflect a lot with how mine was, and I see how unhealthy it really is (was). My friend, it sounds like a lot of things with that woman were not good 4 u. And the longing for her to come back, it finally happening, and then losing it again is probably kicking your self-confidence square in the b@lls. The pain, the loss, the emptiness...it's so unbearable, and what is the easiest solution to this? Getting the 'ex' back. Do you really want this particular girl? Because you love her so much? Do you love the mood swings? The drinking? The coldness of her during the time when you need her honesty and compassion the most? C'mon man, think about it hard. Is it just the fear of starting over? Thinking that no one will understand you like her? That no one will know how to touch and kiss you like her? Thinking that maybe no one else will find you as attractive (or make you feel that attractive?) as she did? You need to try (as hard as it is) to think about it in that way. Some people confuse real love with the feeling that they get from someone else that gives them confidence, reassurance and a positive attitude about THEMSELVES rather than having all of those things to begin with, then sharing how great of a person YOU are with another. I know coming from someone who was no where NEAR as deep as you were in a relationship, you may brush some of this aside, but if just a little of it creeps into your head and gets you thinking...then it's worth something. As I posted before to you, just give yourself some time...learn to respect, love and appreciate yourself. Think of all the positive things you have in your life, and how she was just one of many of those things. Best of luck to you always....