Help. Confused. Very long.

[slayer44]

I'm sorry this is so long...and I'm sure post people will just not read it when they see how long it is..but I'm not exactly sure how to deal with this. I've never been heart broken before..and so much of it doesn't make sense. So I would really appreciate peoples input...

 

Alright, so. I had a crush on him since I was 15 and we were in the same class. I found out later he thought I was cute too, but niether of us had the guts to talk to each other.

We ended up talking on myspace when I was 18 and he was 19. I was about an hour away at a university and he was going to a community college in our hometown. We spent all of Christmas break talking, usually all night. We had a lot in common..religious views, political views, music, etc. We talked online for about a month and then he came and visited me at school when I got back from break. He came a couple times afterward, and we ended starting a relationship. Now, keep in mind I was his very first girlfriend. He had been with people sexually before me, but said that in highschool he was too shy, and then after that he just never wanted one.

He was not my first serious relationship, but he was, however. My first love. We did the long distance thing for about 4 months, and he spent about 40 dollars in gas every single week coming to see me. WHen I came home for the summer, I lived with him and his family. When he wasn't at work, we would spent ever moment together. We were really happy. Sure we had fights, but nothing huge or relationship ending.

When the fall came around again, he decided to go to my school. HE got an apartment that I pretty much lived in with him and spent ever moment together that we weren't class, or that I wasn't at work. We still had stupid fights, but for the most part we had a great time together. Always laughing, joking, kissing. We still had long conversations about things...it was going great. We were seriously...crazy in love. Everyone would always say they wanted what we had. We had named our kids...got hamsters together...talked about getting married. He always wanted to be with me...and he was always the one to want to hang out. I g ave him several ways to get out of it like "hey, why dont you just go home by yourself this weekend" Just in case he wanted the space...but he never did. He always wanted me around.

Around the beginning of November I told him that I felt that I had a lot on my plate..school, sorority stuff, and working. All he did was go to class. I told him that we should be going out and doing more fun things, but we couldn't because of lack of money. I asked him if he would maybe try and get some hours at his old job. He said that he would.

Then a month later in December...I admit, I was sort of stressed out because of finals and everything...I brought up the fact that he said he would try and get extra hours and he never did. I told him that I needed to be able to depend on him. He had talked about getting me an engagement ring, and I told him if we were going to get married, I had to be able to depend on his word. He said that when I asked him about getting a job he thought that I didn't really "mean" it. Which I thought was just a petty excuse. And I told him that if he didn't want to get a job, he should have been a man and be honest and say "hey, I don't need a job so I'm not getting one" Instead of making me believe he would. So I told him that I was still the one carrying the weight of us...and he said "I don't think it's me...you're having trouble carrying your own weight" And this made me REALLY mad because I think, and we had both always said...that we were here to help each other. And then I told him that my extra weight was HIM. And I threw my ring and told him I Was done.

He just sat there.

I wasn't really done...I was just being a stupid girl, and I wanted a reaction. I didn't get one. I had never done or said anything out of anger before in any of our relationships..and since he had never been in a relationship, I'm sure this was the first time this had happened to him. I went sort of crazy...telling him that I hated him, ripped up pictures. And it was all because he just sat there. And said "okay' to everything. IN the past in fights...he would even get upset to the point of crying even if the fight wasn't that big of a deal. So I Was in shock when he didn't care at all.

After I said horrible things to him (like.."The first guy I have sex with is going to be taller!") (he's about my size...5'7''). Anyway, I finally realised thatI was acting incredibly psycho. I had never done that before...to him OR anyone else.

I started apologising. He said that he forgives me but he doesn't "love me anymore" Mind you...he was looking at engagement rings the day before. I said "You don't just fall out of love with someone" and he said "I don't know..I loved you just as much as I ever did an hour ago"

So I cried, and begged, and pleaded. And he didn't give in.

THe next day I went to go watch him play music and he told me that I "was so beautiful" and he didnt understand "Why it just turned off." I then left where was playing music, and he said "I think we'll end up together" we kissed, and I left with some hope.

That night I called him drunk (stupid, I know) and asked him to come see me. He wouldn't. So the next morning I got all my stuff out of his apartment. That night I had some more stuff, so I went back when he got in town. I told him that I would always be his friend. He told me thank you, and once again, said "I think we'll end up together"

So about a week passed. I called him once to ask how exams were going. He told me maybe we could hang out when we got back in our hometown for Christmas break. IW as excited. So that night. I was stupid, and got drunk, and called him gave him an ultimatum. I said "either ask me to wait or lose me forever" and he said "I dont want you to wait on me. we aren't compatible anymore. i can't be faithful. but i think if you move on that doesnt mean were done forever...so go ahead and move on"

The next morning I woke up and called and apoloigsed about calling him drunk, and asked if we could pretend it never happened..on a voicemail. He didnt call me back.

I called him serveral times apologizing for the horrible things I said...I figured, if he doesnt love me, at least I'll know I tried the hardest I could.

A couple days later he came by my house so I could give him some of his stuff. He told me that he's "happier without me" he likes "not having to worry about me" and he doesnt know if he "Ever loved me" he also said "I'll be happy if you don't talk to me" But he still said "Well end up together" When I asked if that was supposed to pacify me he said "no...we were just so happy" But yeah, he told me not to talk to him anymore.

So..I Didnt. After a couple weeks, I wrote him a 6 page letter. Telling him I somewhat understand him wanting to break up...but not how horrible he treated me afterwards.

He emailed me saying he doesnt feel human because he doesnt know how love just "turns off" he said he can't sleep at night because he has horrible dreams. He feels "horrible that I feel horrible" and he would like to be friends, btu he cant, because he feels to "guilty" and seeing me just makes him feel bad for making me cry so much.

I wrote him back, saying that he shouldn't feel bad. I'm doing better, and have realised that anyone I'm mean to be with wouldn't have treated me this way.

Well, he still had some of my stuff. A couple days later he called and said he had some stuff of mine. I told him to bring it by but I wasn't home. He never brought it. THe next day I messaged him, asking when he was going to give my stuff. He didn't respond. I called several times and he never answered. I REALLY wanted my stuff back because it had been over a month since the break up, and I just wanted to try and move on. I got to where I called him every hour (playing psycho ex) because he wouldn't answer. I told him I hate to end what we had like this...with us not even being civil. But he NEEDEd to call me back and tell me when I was getting my stuff. Finally, he called me and said he was outside. He handed me my stuff. Didn't look me in the eye. Then he said "bye."

And that's the last I heard from him.

I'm just so confused...the day before we broke up he was amazing. Even got me flowers! His brother told me after the rbeak up, that just a week before he said "I don't know what I would do without her"

So what do you think? I know there wasn't a specific girl, because it's been a month and he's still single. HE's talking to girls..but I don't think anything incredibly serious. And he did say he couldn't be faithful anymore, so I think that's fine.

Do you think he meant the "we'll end up together" thing? Did he just freak out that we were getting so serious..and then realized I was the only girl he had been in a relationship with? Will he ever try and talk to me again? How come he was nice at first...then went to being so incredibly cold?

 

Please help.

[crazy300]

Okay, i just read through that v long post, and I have got to say this nicely, but i think you have issues that you need to sort out first. Dont you think you overreacted about him not getting you the ring or the job? Or telling him hes not man enough or those other insults? It hurts a lot more than a sorry can fix, atleast in time. Apart from that, you have been obsessing about him, ie. getting drunk calling him many times and overall acting completely inappropriately and immaturely.

 

I think he still cares for you, but your behavior has got him questioning your emotinal stability. Its not he doesnt "love you", you cant always expect your guy to be all sweet talk and give reactions. At the break up, he was probably completely confused or taken aback by your feelings and due to his inexperience, didnt know how to react/or what to say.

 

I strongly suggest you take some time out for yourself, and figure out what exactly went wrong there. And for heaven's sake, stop getting drunk, it does not help.

 

Sorry If ive been blunt, but i guess its my opinion on what i read. I could be totally wrong about you. I hope it works out for you.

[slayer44]

No, I totally agree I shouldn't get drunk.

I've drank about 5 times in my whole life. 2 of them being during the beginning of the break up. Yeah, the first time was to drown my sorrows. But the second time I was actually feeling pretty happy. He told me he wanted to maybe hang out in a couple weeks...so I thought that if I didn't feel bad, then I should take my friends advice and go out and "have some fun." I've never been broken up with before, and this seemed to be the advice all my college girlfriends gave.

I didn't say anything about him getting a ring. He was the one who brought getting engaged up in the first place. I didnt even want to get engaged for some years....and I didn't even care about wether he got a job or not. I just didn't like that he told me he would...and then didn't. We had plans to sign a lease together in the coming months, and I didn't know for sure if he would actually get a job since he said he would and then didn't. And I was scared to sign a lease, and if I would have to end up paying for all of it myself. I was just bring up the fact that if we were going to live together, he needed to be honest. And yeah..I did over react. ANd I think it did scare him, considering we were together a year and I had never even so much as yelled at him or called him a bad name. He used to ask me if I even had emotions at all...Sigh, I don't know..

But I apologised....a lot. And anytime he had made a mistake, I forgave him.

But yeah...I'm not going to do anymore drinking.

[SuperDave71]

Slayer44,

 

 

Hey there. I read your post and I want you to brace yourself. You are about to be hit with some serious reality ok. I am NOT here to be harsh WHATSOEVER...so please..bare with me.

 

 

By reading your post...you were NEVER in love. PERIOD. Call it what you will but it was NOT love. I know those feelings inside are so intense and "loving" but it was NOT love.

 

You guys are young (I know you HATE hearing this) and are trying to "find yourselves". Despite how you felt for one anotherm, the moving, the apartment, the spending every moment BESIDES class syndrom...etc ..

 

This in my opinion was a honeymoon stage...a long lasted honeymoon. THAT'S ALL.

 

AGAIN..I am NOT trying to rain on your parade.

 

I know you were happy with your Ex...and he was probably happy with you too BUT you acted like a child when you didn't get a reaction. You kicked and screamed and tore picture and said some VERY hateful things to him because he not only didn't give you a reaction...BUT BECAUSE you didn't get the reation you WANTED or EXPECTED.

 

What did you do after? You begged and pleaded. What good did it do? NOTHING but make you worse probably.

 

There is an old expression that says "You must lay in the bed we make"

 

I am NOT saying this is all your fault by any means. If this were love, he would have given you the respect you deserve and you would NOT have acted like a child having a tempter tantrum because you didn't get what you wanted.

 

 

Engagement rings or not....You guys were not even CLOSE to what it takes to be in a SUCCESSFUL marriage. I sort of feel as if he was liking you ALOT and 'loving' you BUT confusing THAT emotion for being in love.

 

HUGE difference.

 

What would have happened if something SERIOUS came up? Are you both going to be a couple that is:

 

Numb and Spastic? I think not.

 

 

My advice is this: Learn from your mistakes. Being drunk and NOT being responsible for your own actions is a NO NO.

 

DRUNK OR NOT....I want you to understand something..

 

If you say hateful things...THEY BURN IN PEOPLE' S HEADS AND HEARTS...

 

You can apologize alllll you want...but the BURN is still there like a BRAND is to a calf.

 

 

I think you should let this one go and learn to take responsibilty for your actions. I am NOT agreeing with him nor taking sides BUT....at least he was MAN enough to say it was over and he DID back up his words with actions.

 

In my book...he did the right thing. He respected and loved you enough by being HONEST with you.

 

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71