yeawutever Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Damn, 2 years and he still doesn't love you?? Break up with him, no use in continuing a relationship without chemistry. I could understand 2 months, 4, maybe 6, but if after a year it doens't develop into anything other than likes, I would not put up with that crap. Link to comment
terk2021 Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 You do care for him, and he is going through finals. Maybe you should tell him that he should concentrate on finals during this time, and you will talk to him when he is done. This should give you time to gather your thoughts. Keep in mind that you are not giving him an ultimatum here. Just let him know that you are ready for something more. Explain that you understand that he is not, and you are not mad at him for it. Tell him that "time" and "space" apart should allow each of you to truly figure out what you want. You are the one asking for it, because remember: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. He is the one who doesn't. Someone phrased that to me this past year after my recent breakup. You know what? It's true. I know what I want. Maybe I have found the right one and she will come back. But the key is that you do not put life on hold to figure out if and when. Most talk about NC on this board religiously. Mostly, because it works. It takes me a long time to even attempt to do it if I am the dumpee. I think I have finally figured out that I can only control my feelings. So, I now see the light and it's merit after so many times thinking I could win them back... In that situation, I remember being the dumper and what it was like when my ex would not leave me alone... It only pushed me away further and further... My thoughts: --Gather your thoughts until finals are over. During this time, grab a pen and pad, or Microsoft word and start writing what you want to say. Not that you will give it to him, but really document what's in your heart. Let him know you love him, and care about him, but you are on different pages right now. Need time and space for both of us. I am not out to meet anyone else, but I really need some time to myself to get my thoughts in order... NC/space/time yada yada will do a couple of things. First, give you time to yourself. Now, during this time, you need to be out, active, and doing the things you used to do. Hang out with friends or get back with ones you blew off once you got into a relationship. Hang out with family, go on a trip. Just keep occupied... You can evaluate your relationship in a different light. In the mean time, he is going to be out there scratching his head and trying to figure out what's going on. ESPECIALLY if you keep NC up. You should be clear with him that if he is to get back in touch with you, it's because he knows what he lost and is really ready to open up and tell you how he feels... I would think you should set at least 1 month as starter for no contact. If you are that close and serious, one month without you should give him some idea if he loves you or not... Link to comment
apparentlynotalone Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 Hi Terk2021. Your advice makes the most sense to me. I am going to talk to him today but I don't know what to expect of him. For the past week he's been a grumpy, agitated and easily angered person. Usually he's goofy, intelligent and kinda fruity. Since I told him yesterday that we need to sit down and talk and I don't know which one of these two people I'll be talking to. If he's Person#2, this is going to be hard. If he apologizes, I don't know what I'll be feeling. I think it's because I don't want to hurt him even though he's hurt me in the past unintentionally. However, if he's Person#1, I really won't hesistate to bring up all these issues. He already has apologized (on MSN *scoff*) that he's sorry for being pissed at me because he's been really disappointed in himself lately. I know if I break up with him he'll be sad, but maybe that's what I want him to be? Is it pathetic that the only way I can see that he wants me is to hurt him? I think that NC would be the best idea so he as well as myself can understand how we feel about each other when we're apart, like you said. I DO know what I want, and that's him. But even if he doesn't love me? I cannot answer that question. I don't want to lose him. I think I'm going around in circles right now. This is just a rant off my chest so please, anyone, don't feel obligated to respond. Let's hope all goes smoothly today. Keep you guys updated! Link to comment
apparentlynotalone Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 By any chance have you heard the NIN's song "Only"? If not, I highly recommend you download it immediately. Hey, you tryin' to make me cry or something?=p I'm a pretty big fan of NIN oldies but this song hits a little too close to home. Link to comment
Enitsirk Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Sweetie, you will love somebody someday MORE. Just think about how much love you could feel back if that special someone loved you just as much in return. You will love again. Each relationship is different, so the love will be different. You don't deserve the treatment he is giving you. It seems as though he thinks you should be grateful for the few scraps he gives you. Love isn't suppose to be that way. Keep posting here, we will support you. Remember the definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Hey, you tryin' to make me cry or something?=p I'm a pretty big fan of NIN oldies but this song hits a little too close to home. Yeah it does.... Link to comment
Juliana Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 I think that even if you didn't originally get into the relationship because it hurt you, that being with guys like this will train you to associate pain with love. He hurts you, you love him, he hurts you -- and so on. You are getting an endorphin rush in your brain when you love him, even if he hurts you, so you are getting trained, on a behavioural level. So you may be thinking you were always this way, and 't ain't necessarily so. I'm sure he has his great, redeeming qualities, and yada yada, but this is just not right. He shouldn't be in a relationship with you and "letting you" love him, when he can't reciprocate on that level. He is teaching you low self-esteem. He may not love you, but he could value what you are choosing to give, and he could be your friend, at least. If he were actually your friend, he wouldn't accept this situation, for your sake. And you also have some responsibility here -- you are teaching him that it's okay to take advantage of someone, it's okay to take more than you give or even are capable of giving. This guy may never realize that you are a fantastic person who he should respect and cherish, if not love. He may never understand that you have some other function in the world than being hurt for his benefit. He may never wake up to that. One day you will look at him and your own self-respect will force you to walk away. So walk away now, before it gets to the point where you lose respect for him for all the selfish and immature things he does, and the harm he inflicts without thinking. Link to comment
apparentlynotalone Posted January 14, 2007 Author Share Posted January 14, 2007 I talked to him about this and we're on a break for now. We have decided to "tone" things down in the relationship and a lot of other complicated issues arised. He said he didn't want this break and he didn't want to break up with me because he knows he'll never meet anyone like me again. He's confused about love and what not... So we're on a break for now and 'just friends.' It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. Link to comment
sandyv Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 You aren't a loser, I can relate to how you feel, and you will be ok, I Promise... Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 I talked to him about this and we're on a break for now. We have decided to "tone" things down in the relationship and a lot of other complicated issues arised. He said he didn't want this break and he didn't want to break up with me because he knows he'll never meet anyone like me again. He's confused about love and what not... So we're on a break for now and 'just friends.' It doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. that's what my ex said too! that he didn't want a breakup. but he sure wasn't acting like he wanted a relationship when we were dating! Link to comment
Juliana Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 I think it doesn't hurt as much as you thought, because leaving the relationship was a constructive thing to do, not a destructive one. You didn't leave it too late; you still have some respect for him, some faith in yourself. That's a good place to start from. We actually get something out of loving people, so loving him is not the issue. You can have those feelings. But your life is anaemic in other sources of happiness. You need to go out and do things that you enjoy, that build your self-esteem. Have new relationships, meet new people. The great thing about unrequited love is that it builds this incredible resevoir of strength, if we don't wait around too long. You're able to accept that other people aren't always going to meet your needs, and you don't have this great urge to go out and be with someone new, so you aren't desperate -- it's the best possible way to go. Right now, your mantra has to be all about self-respect. Do things that are in harmony with your best values, and your ideas about what you want in life. Remember, you aren't leaving him; you're letting him go. I know that that's painful, but on the positive side, good things may come of it, for both of you. You do deserve to be loved, you deserve to be the one someone dreams of. Have faith in that. Link to comment
apparentlynotalone Posted January 14, 2007 Author Share Posted January 14, 2007 Thanks, I agree with you Juliana. I'm happy to still have him in my life and I definitely knows he feels that same and he was actually scared of losing me that night, and he started to panick. But now I feel I do have more self-respect for myself since I actually had the courage to attempt to break up with him and do what's right for me. I feel as though I have more time for myself and we can both live a live more independent of each (which is not bad) while still keeping each other in our lives. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 That is a good indicator if he is starting to panic! Shows he is afraid of losing you. I would continue being independent, spend more time with your friends, go make new ones, go to the gym, go out and do more stuff. He knows where to find you if he wants you. Many times, it takes us walking away for a guy to realize what he's missing. Link to comment
apparentlynotalone Posted January 14, 2007 Author Share Posted January 14, 2007 Yeah, I was really happy when he started to panic. He even looked like he was going to cry but he turned away. Thanks to everyone who gave me advice and supported and urged me to stick up for myself. Link to comment
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