How do you do it?

[lipostudio]

****EDIT: While I appreciate people may want to reference my previous post about our issue, I'm not after advice on that at the moment. I'm purely after thoughts on the mechanics of a breakup and, whilst I know enotalone is big on NC, interested in experiences/thoughts that show NC isn't the only way forward. If you're strongly of the opinion that I break it off with him tomorrow and never speak to him again, feel free to have that opinion, but I'm looking for other ideas as well.****

 

My boyfriend and I have a very good relationship except for one major issue. It's gotten to the point that he's said unless things improve within the next two or three months, he wants to end it. It's tearing me apart because I love him and the issue is something I can live with - I don't think it's worth sacrificing our relationship for. However, the choice is his and I can't stop it.

 

So at the moment, I'm in this state of suspended animation, waiting for his decision. It's giving me a lot of time to think about the mechanics of it - this is my first live-in relationship, and we've been together nearly four and a half years, so we have lots of mutual friends, etc..

 

Considering if we do break up, there will be lots of love still between us and it will be amicable, I don't necessarily feel like NC is an option. The old cliché about him being my best friend is literally true, and I don't want to lose his friendship and support. I just don't know how to navigate the transition. I'm going to be seeking counselling about all of this, but I wanted opinions.

 

Does it work to have one person give up the mutual friends, or just not go to see them at the same time?

 

I'm also very close to his family and would like to remain that way - any ideas if that seems possible?

 

I don't think he'd get another girlfriend for a long time if we broke up, so I don't think there would be issues of dealing with new significant others, but at the same time, I know I'll be hoping in my heart he would want to get back together, which could mean I'm just waiting forever.

 

Argh. I'm just very upset and sad and worried about the mechanics of all of this. Any thoughts would be helpful.

[Siriana]

I've red your previous thread and if this big issue is your sexual needs not beeing met I suggest you to brake up with him. Such problem woan't dissappear over 2 months. I think he's preparing the ground for a brake up.

 

I suggest also NC and the reason why is because staying friends is basically transitional phase you think might make you suffer less but that's not the truth.

 

I think it's not good idea to stay close to his family - imagine one day having a new bf and trying to explain him how you are great friends with your ex'es (who you've been with 4 years) mom!

 

Now you're allowed to hate me and to insult me in a PM for not beeing more sensitive - but guys like him really annoy me.

 

Good luck

[robowarrior]

Reading your other post id say give him up. I think that the issue cannot be overbridged. If he isn't into you, it means you two don't correspond, in the end love has got to go both ways ALL the way. In this you need to be realistic and not emotional because emotionally you want him back, but i think you lost him years ago, i think you have been friendzoned for quite a long time. And what is there to improve? Its non-sense, he should love you in a passionate way for the person who you are. Obviously there are now all kinds of layers and conditions before that's possible. To me i cannot imagine this having a good end. If a guy isn't interested in you sexually, then its 99,99% the end of the relationship.

[lipostudio]

I appreciate that people have done their homework and want to understand the situation, but I also have a fundamentally different outlook on it than everyone else in that I don't think that sex is the be-all and end-all of a relationship and it's more complicated than my previous post went into. Considering that he and I often have a sexual relationship that leaves me perfectly happy and all of the other wonderful things that we share, I cannot agree with the comments of "if the sex is bad, drop it", although I appreciate this is a widely held belief.

 

If anyone has comments to make on my post and the issues in it, rather than issues in a previous post, I'd be grateful for your responses.

 

In response to syrix's comment about how to explain a close relationship to him/his family to a future boyfriend, I would frankly not be interested in a man who was unable to understand, respect, and not be jealous of a part of my life, so for me it's a non-issue. Current boyfriend is fine with the fact that I have a good relationship with my ex's father and brother, and I would expect any future boyfriend to either be ok with it or work with me to be ok with it.

[Siriana]

Well why not telling us what is the major issue, you didn't say that so we decided to do our homework and based our advice on that.

[lipostudio]

That's fine - I honestly don't have a problem with people looking at my other posts. My point is that I'm seeking specific advice about what happens if we break up, not whether or not I should be breaking up with him, and people who have done the research seem to want to tell me about the latter, not the former. I'll amend my original post to help clarify what I'm after.

 

Well why not telling us what is the major issue, you didn't say that so we decided to do our homework and based our advice on that.

[Ellie2006]

I don't think that sex is the be-all and end-all of a relationship and it's more complicated than my previous post went into. Considering that he and I often have a sexual relationship that leaves me perfectly happy and all of the other wonderful things that we share, I cannot agree with the comments of "if the sex is bad, drop it", although I appreciate this is a widely held belief.

 

Hi Lipostudio,

I agree w/ you to a certain extent that there are many ingredients that go into a happy and healthy relationship.

Sorry if I am overstepping my bounds by pointing this out (my intent is not to hurt you but if I inadvertently do, please forgive me) but from your other post, it seems that your sexual satisfaction is not an issue here but his is.

 

It has become such an issue with him that he is saying that he is willing to forfeit all the other wonderful qualities of your relationship in order to attain that one single "ingredient", if you will.

 

Unless he can identify to you HOW you can resolve this issue together OR unless he can say that he is willing to prioritize all the good qualities of your relationship over this particular quality, then I don't see how this issue can be constructively resolved...

 

My two cents.

[Ellie2006]

L,

Sorry for posting again, but I just wanted to point this out: I dislike being in limbo as much as you seem to. So how about taking yourself out of this suspended state? Either ask him how he thinks you guys can resolve this issue together (perhaps seeing a (sex) therapist might help?) OR if he doesn't think it can be resolved, then perhaps you can decide for yourself (and your emotional well-being) not to be in this agonizing state of limbo anymore.

 

Also, if you guys are good friends, perhaps after a period of healing, you guys can salvage your friendship again (as well as your relationship w/ his family).

 

Just a thought ...

[Siriana]

Now I see what you wanted to ask.

 

Well about the staying good with his parents part I told you my oppinion on it.

 

About beeing friends, I don't know I was never able to be friends while hoping he will change his mind (it hurts way too much) so i don't know how to help you on that one since i have doiferent opinon on the subject.

 

If you plan staying friends why are you considering abandoning mutual friends? This is going to be solved naturaly and spontaneusly. Some friends will choose you and the other people will choose him I guess.