guiltycheater Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 I am slowly but surely going out of my mind. Last summer I cheated on my hubby. I confessed to him right after because I was having anxiety. But when I confessed I didnt quite confess all of it. This past December I began to think about it and started having anxiety. I ended up telling him more which did not make me feel better. Now I have such a guilty feeling that it has caused anxiety. He tells me to forget about it and that I learned my lesson, but I still cant get over my guilt. Can anyone help and tell me how I can get over this before I have a nervous breakdown. I have tried journalling, deep breathing but nothing seems to work. I am now taking antianxiety pills Please help.................... Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 You are very lucky to have a forgiving and understanding husband. You can't change the past and what you did, you can only learn from it and move on. Was your cheating a one night stand or a full-fledged relationship? Do you stil have contact with this person? Do you still have feelings for this person? Are you happy with your husband. Perhaps if you think back about why you cheated, that might help you put closure on it. Only you can put closure on it. Have you told your husband everything there is to know or are you still holding back? Do you sense that under the surface he is upset but is not letting it out? Is your guilt somehow tied in to the fact that your husband is being very gracious about the whole thing and since he is not reacting angrily and "punishing" you, then you need to "punish' yourself? You need to let it go. Link to comment
coollady1957 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 You certainly seem to have realized that you did something very wrong here. The good point is that you confessed your wrongs to your husband, even though not fully in the beginning and he is willing remain with you. You husband says to just forget about it. Have you actually asked him to forgive you? If so, did he say to you that he forgives and lets move on? If you have come clean about everything and you have truly learned your lesson, then try to relax and work on your marriage. Do you have issues about why you cheated that you are trying to resolve in your mind? Have you thought of some type of short term counseling to help you get over your anxiety? When your doctor prescribed anti-anxiety meds for you, did you discuss with him why you were having the anxiety attacks? Link to comment
prtygrl1973 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 Maybe you should tell us more and we could help out .... maybe you would feel better anyway if you were to type the whole story out. ((HUGS)) anyway Link to comment
prtygrl1973 Posted January 9, 2007 Share Posted January 9, 2007 You certainly seem to have realized that you did something very wrong here. The good point is that you confessed your wrongs to your husband, even though not fully in the beginning and he is willing remain with you. You husband says to just forget about it. Have you actually asked him to forgive you? If so, did he say to you that he forgives and lets move on? If you have come clean about everything and you have truly learned your lesson, then try to relax and work on your marriage. Do you have issues about why you cheated that you are trying to resolve in your mind? Have you thought of some type of short term counseling to help you get over your anxiety? When your doctor prescribed anti-anxiety meds for you, did you discuss with him why you were having the anxiety attacks? Good points!! Also, maybe you should try to forgive yourself first and once you do that...... maybe you can accept his forgiveness-- sounds weird I know but i think true Link to comment
guiltycheater Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 To answer some questions, I did continue to talk this man while I was going through my ordeal..First I thought i might be pregnant so I told him about that. Then I started worriying about diseases so I had myself checked and told him that I was fine. I may have talked to him a few more times, but never seen him. He was helping me get over my ordeal. As far as telling my husband everything I'm pretty sure I did without getting into too many specific details. I just spoke to my hubby and told me to forget about it again. How do I forgive myself any one have answers Or am I confusing the guilt with a broken heart cause think they almost feel the same. If it is a broken heart its because I broke my hubbys heart Link to comment
guiltycheater Posted January 9, 2007 Author Share Posted January 9, 2007 Yes I did have issues, he wasnt paying attention to me. And also his 19 year old daughter came to stay with us for 3 months and caused alot of havoc. Not to mention he always screamed at my daughter and I couldnt say anything to his daughter. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 you need to realize that continuing to feel guilty and anxious is continuing to punish your husband and your marriage, because you are more focused on your guilt and PAST events than working to make your current life/marriage/husband happy... so it is like tripping and breaking your leg, then taking out a baseball bat and beating your leg with it every night because you feel you shouldn't have broken your leg to begin with... how does that help you heal, it doesn't, it just continues everyone's misery. so you have to realize that guilt at this point is a self indulgent activity and will wreck your marriage as surely as infidelity itself, is you keep obsessing on your guilt rather than putting your past behind you and working to make your marriage strong and healthy. it sounds like you have some other issues in your marriage due to raising a family, so you might want to consider personal or marriage counseling to help you get past your guilt and start dealing with REAL, current problems in your marriage rather than some past indiscretion. self flagellation when your husband has forgiven you and moved on has no purpose other than continuing to make your affair a problem in your marriage,when it should be RETIRED from your life as a problem, so you are fully present in your marriage and able to deal with life's problems in the present, not the past. Link to comment
sonjam Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 Girl, it's never really anybody elses fault if you cheat. It takes you and another person... Not you, your partner, and another. So the blame game is not a good one to play. You did wrong, you confessed you are forgiven. I can see that you feel horrible about it, and the probable reason is the one you saw for yourself, you broke your husbands heart, and now feel terrible about it. How about trying to channel all the negative energy you are experiencing through your anxiety, into positive energy - and try to work on your marraige, work on the things you might have contributed to you feeling neglected, or angry, or frustrated? That way you will get a few thorns out of the way, and continue to have a happy and healthy marraige! We all make mistakes from time to time. These things happen. I sugest you FORGIVE YOURSELF, as your husband forgave you, and move on. If you keep bringing your sins into the conversation you are not really letting anybody else forget about them are you? Link to comment
guiltycheater Posted January 10, 2007 Author Share Posted January 10, 2007 I am an idiot, when i confessed to my husband the first time i told him no oral sex was involved. Then when I reconfessed i told him that i did. He didn't quite understand i guess. because when i was talking to him today I said to him you realize that i gave oral sex. He freaked on me and called me every name in the book. I had oral sex more than once with this man (all in the same day) do you think I should tell my husband it was more than once. That will only releive my conscience and thats about it. He doesnt forgive me anymore and i am devistated but i cant live with all the lies. Link to comment
guiltycheater Posted January 10, 2007 Author Share Posted January 10, 2007 He said why should i forgive you and then he said he was moving back to nova scotia. Then he said he wasnt going to . He then said just forget about and drop it. But I am for some stupid reason compelled to tell him the entire truth, probably for selfish reasons. I am afraid if i dont tell him now than in a month from now im gonna have a panic attack and tell him anyways Link to comment
guiltycheater Posted January 10, 2007 Author Share Posted January 10, 2007 I know I have to stop talking to him about this before he does leave me. He knows I gave oral sex he doesnt need to know how many times right. When I first told him in the summer half the story i was fine but now that i have told him more i feel like it should all be told. i know i, crazy and will end our marriage but i think im a fraud if i dont tell all Link to comment
guiltycheater Posted January 10, 2007 Author Share Posted January 10, 2007 Sp you think I have told him everything then and to just drop it. As my mother said when you lift up your dress it doesnt matter what you did the fact is you lifted your dress. Link to comment
radioheader Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 there is a book called the forgiving self and i just picked it up from the library...you might want to check it out... Link to comment
radioheader Posted January 10, 2007 Share Posted January 10, 2007 oh and hearing details only fires it all back up (from exp...cheating husband)...if he asks about details be honest but it is time to stop divulging every little detail...get a diary or a therapist and pour your heart out to them...they both work wonders! Link to comment
guiltycheater Posted January 11, 2007 Author Share Posted January 11, 2007 just a quick note, I ended up confessing everything to him. He's hurt but he says he was really hurt when i first told him. Unfortunatley, i have now given him a visual one that i hope one day he forgets. He still forgives me and still wants to be with me. He believes that were all human and once is a mistake anything beyond that is not a mistake. If i were to do it again he would then leave me. After feeling what I have, i will never do this again. My heart aches more than ever, now I really have more to forgive myself for. I hope I can do it. Link to comment
prtygrl1973 Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 just a quick note, I ended up confessing everything to him. He's hurt but he says he was really hurt when i first told him. Unfortunatley, i have now given him a visual one that i hope one day he forgets. He still forgives me and still wants to be with me. He believes that were all human and once is a mistake anything beyond that is not a mistake. If i were to do it again he would then leave me. After feeling what I have, i will never do this again. My heart aches more than ever, now I really have more to forgive myself for. I hope I can do it. well my husband cheated on me..... i don't need the freaking visuals and I surley don't need them to EASE HIS mind and guilt............... I think you probably hurt him more now and i think it was selfish of you to go into details --- if he wanted to know, he would have asked. sorry, just my opinion..... BUT in your defense, if he is going to forgive you and get over it... I think that is great for you. Everyone is different and has their own opinions.. Good luck Good luck Link to comment
prtygrl1973 Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 just accept what you did and don't do it again! man, if he is telling you that he forgives you - accept it! Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 It seems that you are more intent on punishing yourself for this affair by destroying your marriage than your husband is. Do you feel like you do not deserve to be with him for what you did? Honey, if you want to get through this you have to let him decide if he still wants to be with you, and if he does, and you want to be with him, than let it go. If you don't- I see this marriage going right down the tubes. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 are you sure you aren't obsessing on this because you WANT to keep your affair alive in your mine, i.e., make it more significant that it really was?? did you decide to leave that affair, or did he leave you? you need to recognize that at this point, any more conversation about this affair will only hurt your husband, and you need to think about him rather than obsessing about a past affair.. if you can't let the affair go in your head, then please go get counseling, there may be deeper issues here, i.e., you WANT your husband to leave you, or have self esteem issues. Link to comment
guiltycheater Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 no, i dont want to keep that affair alive in mind. Its just always there obsessing me. It was a one time thing and I broke it off. As far as my husband is concerned he is now really pissed at me for keep bringing it up, which I deserve. In my warped mind I thought if i didnt get it all out it would come back to haunt me and i would bring it up again. So that is why i told him stuff he didnt need to hear. I am troubled person, and I have to forgive myself it was a mistake that should never of happened. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 no, i dont want to keep that affair alive in mind. Its just always there obsessing me. It was a one time thing and I broke it off. As far as my husband is concerned he is now really pissed at me for keep bringing it up, which I deserve. In my warped mind I thought if i didnt get it all out it would come back to haunt me and i would bring it up again. So that is why i told him stuff he didnt need to hear. I am troubled person, and I have to forgive myself it was a mistake that should never of happened. Think of it this way: of course he is hurt and upset because you keep bringing it up. Everytime you do so it is like rubbing salt in his wound. Stop torturing him with the details. He gets it. He knows what you did. Now stop it. Unless you want him to leave you. Link to comment
guiltycheater Posted January 14, 2007 Author Share Posted January 14, 2007 There have been a few posts which may suggest that I still have feelings for this guy. i don't think so, but now i'm second guessing myself cause I cant get over what happened. If is still had feelings for this guy would I not be thinking about him everyday which I am not. And also,guilt or no guilt if I really liked him would I have not continued cheating on my spouse. I know when i cheated on my first spouse with the man I am with, I felt guilt but I still continued in this case I stopped it and I only talked to the guy while I was going through my ordeal. Talking to him regarding diseases and pregnancy and then a few other callls and that was it. Then I stopped talking to him I called him in Oct 2 times not for me but for friends of mine and they were short conversaitons just to get the info i needed. I'll admit I do miss talking to him but i dont think about him and are compelled to talk to him. Please help I am now second guessing everything as to why I cant let go. Also, when I did see him through the affair it was out of loneliness and I didnt get a pang in my heart when I did see him, and never got a pang in my heart when I talked to him. I think In my case i do miss the friendship that we had, and not the romantic side. Please help. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 14, 2007 Share Posted January 14, 2007 I'm not sure exactly what you are looking for help with? If you are asking if it's OK to have a friendship with the man whom you cheated with, the answer is absolutely not. Don't disrespect your husband that way, and put the temptation back in your sight. Link to comment
guiltycheater Posted January 15, 2007 Author Share Posted January 15, 2007 I didnt mean that I still wanted to talk to him, I was just trying to figure out if I still had feelings for the guy which I know that I don't. Link to comment
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