New Boyfriend ... and he'd rather be with others than me

[Kalika]

Hey everyone this is my first post, my friend told me about this site.

 

So here I am.. I have been dating someone for the last 2 months, and he is officially my boyfriend as of just over a week ago. I haven't seen him since new year's eve and he lives 15 mins away. Last night he went out to the bar he always hangs out at. Same thing tonight. He acts like he couldn't be bothered to come out to my place, yet he'll drive the same amount of time to get to this bar.

He says he misses me, and was even asking what I was doing tonight. I said I didn't make any plans... and we talked about other stuff for a while, then I just asked him, so are you going to the bar tonight? and he's like yeah I'm gonna call so-and-so to see what he's doing.. and then I said Okay, then I'm gonna call up some friends, so bye. And I basically hung up on him.

 

I'm so mad and hurt. I just talked to him a few days ago about how we hardly see/talk to each other. I asked if he was still into me and he said yes, he definitely is. But then if he wants to see me, shouldn't he make plans with me? So what is this about??

 

To make things worse, one of my friends (who has a crush on me and wants me to date him) came over last night to hang out and was like, "If he likes you so much, where is he now? Why isn't he here with you??" That hurt a lot mostly cuz it's true.

 

I want to break up with him, but I'm just so unbelievably hurt. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever and I see all my friends with great guys and I cry and cry.. I have been crying all night and I can't stop, I'm just so sick of feeling hurt and misery over guys.

 

Please help me, I'm feeling so depressed.. he said he would call me tomorrow and I'm thinking about just ending it when he calls rather than sticking around and getting more hurt..

[Matty1607307441]

Ask him how his previous girlfriends reacted. Some girls would rather being the one who sees their boyfriends when they want and feel boxed in if he continually asks to see her. but first of all this is definitely not your problem, its his. But im sorry if i misunderstood some sections but is he directly saying no to your requests to see him to spend time with his mates? cuz it just sounds like neither of you are asking to see each other..

 

edit- How bout you try this. next time he says hes going to the bar, say oh i thought we could spend some time together, and then suggest something to do. if he directly says no, or just tries to avoid the question then hes got a problem. but maybe hes waiting for you to make the move.

[Kalika]

Hey matty thanks for the response

 

Yes he did mention that his ex told him she didnt want him around that much, and she cheated on him a lot too I guess ..

 

as for talking to him about hanging out, after we had that talk he said he wanted to see me, asked what I was doing the next night (yesterday) but then when yesterday came around he just asked what I was doing, and then told me he was gonna call his friends and see what was up. Tonight I flat out told him I didn't feel like going to a bar but wanted to do something low key. And then I asked if he was going to the bar ,and he's like yeeeeeeah, i'm gonna call so and so.. so that's when I just told him I was going to call some people up and said bye..

 

edit- How bout you try this. next time he says hes going to the bar, say oh i thought we could spend some time together, and then suggest something to do. if he directly says no, or just tries to avoid the question then hes got a problem. but maybe hes waiting for you to make the move.

 

I did suggest a movie tonight.. he didn't say anything about it so I just figured he wanted to go to the bar. Where he always is, every time he goes out. I figured I made myself pretty clear when I approached him and talked to him about how this is making me feel, and nothing has changed. Now granted it's only been a few days since we had that talk, but he had the perfect opportunity to ask me to do something this weekend and he totally blew it.

 

That's why I really need input asap, he's calling me tomorrow afternoon around 2ish adn I'm seriously thinking about just ending it right then and there.

[DropToZero]

I haven't seen my g/f since the night before new years eve...and before that night, I hadn't seen her in a week and a half. Lately, I've had to call her or text her every time too...which still has only been like once/twice a week. It sucks...doesn't it?...sadly, I'm the one who works 2 jobs and goes to full time school...somehow I have time to make for her, and she doesnt...and all she's doing is school. I dont know, I'm starting to feel like you though...don't really have any advice...I just keep seeing this "relationship" isn't much of one since we never really spend much time together and/or talk like we did in the first month or so. Might just end break up too...let us know what you decide if things dont change...cause I dont see things changing on my end(even though I thought they had begun to when we first started dating).

[DN]

Is the friend who has a crush on you the sort of guy you might like to date?

[Kalika]

Is the friend who has a crush on you the sort of guy you might like to date?

 

No DN .. he's not someone I would care to date. He is a nice guy but would not be a good boyfriend.

[mintzhg]

i believe no guy is worth crying for, but hey i have been there. i reckon you deserve better and it's better to end it soon rather than get too attached to him and then even if he makes the effort for a day or two he might go back to just letting you wait. so it's up to you, but i was in teh same position for 4 1/2 years, it's not worth your time in the end.

[Kalika]

i believe no guy is worth crying for, but hey i have been there. i reckon you deserve better and it's better to end it soon rather than get too attached to him and then even if he makes the effort for a day or two he might go back to just letting you wait. so it's up to you, but i was in teh same position for 4 1/2 years, it's not worth your time in the end.

 

Do you think I should give it more time? I want to give it a chance but I'm really afraid of this continuingn much longer.. I don't know if I'm jumping the gun but my first instinct is to dump him and get out of this situation

[redding500]

It hurts, but look at his actions not his words.

 

"I did suggest a movie tonight.. he didn't say anything about it so I just figured he wanted to go to the bar. Where he always is, every time he goes out."

 

Do you sense that he has a drinking problem? Cause around the edges it sounds like it.

[Kalika]

Do you sense that he has a drinking problem? Cause around the edges it sounds like it

 

No redding.. he only goes on weekends, but since that's the best time for us to meet up, it means a lot to me that he takes both nights to go to the bar.

[redding500]

Alcoholics don't have to drink every day. They can "only drink after five" or "only on the weekends." The key is the priority it has in his life.

 

Regardless, I would say don't wait around for him.

[Kalika]

Alcoholics don't have to drink every day. They can "only drink after five" or "only on the weekends." The key is the priority it has in his life.

 

But most alcholics have to have it more days out of the week than not. I think he's just enjoying being a normal guy his age.. we are both in our mid twenties ..

[redding500]

But most alcholics have to have it more days out of the week than not. I think he's just enjoying being a normal guy his age.. we are both in our mid twenties ..

 

Not necessarily. Some alcoholics can go months between "binges." Some alcoholics hit the road running, while others have a "switch" that they can turn off and on for years. The key is why he drinks and how high it is on his list of priorities, and judging by your comments, it's high. He's not just going to the bar to "hang out." He could very well be in the early stages.

 

. . .Although whether he is or isn't, you're not getting what you need, so I would trust that gut feeling you're having.

[Kalika]

The key is why he drinks and how high it is on his list of priorities, and judging by your comments, it's high.

 

Hey redding..

It might not be so much that alcohol is high on his list of priorities; it could simply be that I'm just low on the list. But you're right, I'm definitely not getting what I need.

[lvlyldy]

I started dating a guy about a month ago now, and I havent see him since before christmas cause im in college and i came home for winter break and he's still there working. I'm kind of a dork and spend most of my time indoors or around campus, but the guy im seeing is a little bit older and is very much into the bar/club scene. I know he likes to go out once or twice a week to drink or out with the guys, but so far he's made an effort to make time for me on the weekends and if he's had prior plans that he knows for sure are happening on the weekends will find a way to see me during the week so we still get to see eachother.

 

I agree that you should judge how he feels by his actions not his words. The guy I was seeing before this new guy was my first serious boyfriend, and I wasted 2 years believing his "i love yous". When it came down to it, when i needed him the most he left me, alone and confused.

 

Talk to this guy once more... tell him exactly what you are feeling, that the best time to see eachother is during the weekends but you dont feel like he is making the time to see you. If he really cares about you like he says, he'll change, and if he's refusing to change then you deserve a guy worth your time.

[redding500]

Talk to this guy once more... tell him exactly what you are feeling, that the best time to see eachother is during the weekends but you dont feel like he is making the time to see you. If he really cares about you like he says, he'll change, and if he's refusing to change then you deserve a guy worth your time.

 

But do you really want him to see you because he feels like "he has to?" He may show up next weekend, but the weekend after that . . . I can tell you it will get old having to "remind" him to make you important. Better to find someone who is as invested as you are. Yes, you definitely deserve a guy worth your time, and this isn't the one.

[lvlyldy]

I say talk to him once more because maybe something is up that is on his mind... I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I know sometimes its easy to believe the worst explanation about a persons actions... but maybe this guy has a legit reason. If your gut tells you he's no good let him go, but if you think maybe there might be something up at least give him a try. If he's good one weekend but a jerk the next, you know you've given it your best and it's his loss... not yours.

[Kalika]

maybe something is up that is on his mind..

 

he told me that he's terrified because i'm the first girl in a while he would consider a relationship with and he likes me a lot.. and I genuinely believe him. When we're together it's awesome and he makes me feel genuinely cared for. that's why i dont understand this at all..

 

how often should I reasonably expect to see him? I think I mentioned before he lives about 15-20 mins from me.. we're both busy, but I would think that at least 2 or 3x a week wouldn't be impossible, even if it was just for a quick dinner or something. I don't think that asking for 2-3x a week is unreasonable, but am I wrong??

[redding500]

"he told me that he's terrified because i'm the first girl in a while he would consider a relationship with and he likes me a lot.. and I genuinely believe him. When we're together it's awesome and he makes me feel genuinely cared for. that's why i dont understand this at all . . ."

 

Again, focus on his actions. They are speaking volumes here.

[redding500]

how often should I reasonably expect to see him? I think I mentioned before he lives about 15-20 mins from me.. we're both busy, but I would think that at least 2 or 3x a week wouldn't be impossible, even if it was just for a quick dinner or something. I don't think that asking for 2-3x a week is unreasonable, but am I wrong??

 

Don't second guess yourself on what's "reasonable."

[lvlyldy]

The guy im seeing lives in a completely diff city... to see eachother, if he's coming from work he has to commute (public transport) 30-45 min, then walk another 20 min. If he's coming from home its more like 1hr-1.5 hrs trek thro public transport to see me (and he's come to see me each time so far). We've managed to see eachother every other day to every 2 days. I dont think 2-3 times a week is asking for too much at all.

[Weary]

To be blunt (enotalone members will get used to it

 

People, men or women...when they are interested in someone make the time and effort to see them. Think about it...you get really busy..and you are super into him...what do you do? You think of times you can see him...re-arrange scheduales, you plan and problem solve, etc.

 

When I am really into someone and I have plans for a night...and they ask to go out that night...I immediately follow up with something like 'Aw, I have plans x night....what about X night? You free then?" Almost everyone I know does that.

 

Further, people string others along ... and do it because they can.

 

Good Luck...hope everything works out for you

[dontknowwhattodo]

I think a considerate boyfriend would have a courtesy to:

 

1) ask you to go with him:

 

or

 

2) tell you that he would rather have the boys' night out and suggest a time for you two to hang out on the spot.

[Kalika]

he did talk about hanging out today or tonight. we didn't make specific plans, but he's supposed to call me in a little bit...

[Kalika]

People, men or women...when they are interested in someone make the time and effort to see them.

 

That's exactly what I told him when I talked to him.. I said that in my experience, someone that doesn't want to see or talk to you just isn't really into you that much. so he started calling me more. but I still dont want a bf who's chicken sh**.