I don't know how to be a girlfriend

[pufferfish]

I am 20 and in my first real relationship ever. I'm crazy about the guy, and I think he likes me quite a bit as well. The problem is, I have no idea how to be a girlfriend, or what it takes to have a healthy relationship.

 

I find myself wondering: will he get bored of me if we run out of stuff to talk about? How often should I see him? How often should I kiss him when we're together? Will I be annoying if I try to cuddle with him too much? Stupid stuff like that. He is not very experienced in relationships either, so it's like we're both in the dark about how to act... it all feels very clumsy and uncertain.

 

Part of the problem is that my self confidence isn't great, so I feel like I have to be constantly interesting and entertaining or else he'll get tired of me. I panic when there's a long gap in conversation. After we kiss, I wonder if he thinks I'm a bad kisser. It all causes me a fair bit of anxiety.

 

I'm wondering if there is anything I can do to relieve my fears, and also if it's normal to have these kinds of doubts. I feel totally clueless about the role of a girlfriend and what creates a good, healthy relationship. Any advice would be very appreciated.

[renaissancewoman101]

If it is your first relationship, I can see why you are so nervous. You are scared that what you do or NOT do may cause him to not like you, etc.

 

How long have you guys been together?

 

Sometimes, silence is good too, you can enjoy being with him and him with you in silence, doesnt mean anything bad.

 

Right now you are in the "honeymoon" phase of the budding relationship where everything is roses and everything seems perfect. Just be careful, take things slow, and don't rush things. Don't spend every moment of every day with him. Have a bit of a life. Do things with your friends, away from him on occasion. If you spend TOO much time together, you risk smothering the relationship and causing him to lose interest in you.

 

Have fun and enjoy the moment, talk, do things together, but keep things in perspective too, watch for red flags, etc.

 

Life is too short, live it, but also protect your heart.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

A relationship should be about having fun together and enriching each other's lives... there is no set 'script' for how you should behave, in fact, everyone has their own personal preferences when it comes to a boyfriend/girlfriend and how things should go...

 

So i suggest that you just do what you feel good about, and if you notice him acting like he doesn't like it, then ask him about it. a relationship is really a negotiation, and if you can't talk about what you both like, then you are not comfortable with each other, and need to try to get there...

 

you might start by being honest with him and telling him that you are very self conscious, and hoping that what you do will please him and be the right thing... he might surprize you by saying he is thrilled to be with you, and not expecting you to 'perform' for him...

 

just give yourself time to relax, and you do things that you both enjoy, and you will become less worried about doing the 'right' thing... and if you find what you are doing (being yourself) as not being compatible with him, then that is a GOOD thing, becuase you should find someone who likes you as you are, not as someone who has to perform for him...

[swordfish]

im in the same (ish) position. ive been seeing someone for a few months no but when i started i was totally cluless as to what to do or how to function as a boyfriend as it was my first time. my opinion and advice is to go with the flow cos ur just learning, as scary as it seems. ive made a few mistakes so far but its all part of it. one of the most important things i found is to make sure you yourself is happy and if there is something bothering you, feel free to say it because communiction is such an important thing in a relationship. listen to each other and understand each otheers needs in the relationship. (this wont happen overnight but as the days go by and you start to understand each other more) i say this but its something im struggling with because i dont like conflict and hate to make other people feel bad. but at the end of the day YOU need to be happy and in turn hopefully they will be happy and the relationship can develop and you grow stronger as a person with the knowledge gained.

 

im sure you will be fine. just enjoy and experience! any questions just write on this message board. ur always welcome

 

the swordfish xxx

[Lady Bugg]

I think this is a VERY good subject.

 

We learn how to speak, read, write, how to drive a car, how to cook...but we are NEVER taught how to have an intimate relationship with another person. Our "teacher' is USUALLY seeing how our own parents relate to one another...and IF we're lucky, thay have one of those solid, lasting relationships.

 

I truly wish there WERE workshops or classes we could take on HOW to

actually HAVE a loving, healthy nurturing stable relationships. i would definetely sign up for it.

 

Don't feel bad for feeling this way. I think a LOT of us feel lost when it comes to this stuff..

[Northalius]

Yeah, #1 is to be yourself!

 

Don't act happy, if you're not happy. Don't act funny, if you're not in a humerous mood. You must be yourself! And if someone doesn't accept you for you, then they're not the right one for you.

 

If you act at all, and they like it, I'm sure you'd feel a bit down that they like your act, and not you.

 

Always remember, communication is key in a healthy relationship; so do as they said above: Tell him how you feel!

 

If you scare them off by being honest, and being yourself, then they're not worth your time! If it doesn't last long in the short run, then it most likely will not last in the long run!

 

The sooner the person knows who you are, and not by your act, the sooner things can be decided upon! Saving both of you a lot of hurt down the road.

 

And none of what you said is stupid stuff like that. You bring up very important parts of a relationship. Being with the person, cuddling with them, having a conversation with them, etc. I'd say try not to worry about it, because then you'll try to be someone you're not, just to please another person. That's not healthy!

 

Be yourself. If the conversation "gets boring", or stops, then let it stop. Explain to him how you feel about it, and let him know he can be totally honest about it. Let him know everything. Do not let fear of embarrassment hold you back, in thinking he'll look down on you when you say you're not experienced in this field.

 

If anything, he's probably just as nervous as you are about it. You're both human, and what you're feeling and going through is not rare at all. Don't worry!

 

We fear only that which we lack knowledge of; if we are open about our feelings to each other, then we'll have knowledge of each other! thereforeeee, fear will subside, and you'll relax more often, opening you up to being yourself, and not being nervous anymore.

[RayKay]

Well, my number one piece of advice is instead of trying to be the perfect girlfriend, be yourself.

 

If he is right for you, it is YOU whom he will be into and love and appreciate. Trying to be the perfect girlfriend though is immensely disatisfying for you both, when you worry about being human changing things...and when you feel on constant guard.

 

That is not what relationships are about. They really are about two people choosing to be together for what each person is, quirks and all. Not about being "perfect".

[poloplayer]

Hi,

 

Like others already mentioned, I think the key items are:

 

1 - Take it slow (don't over-do it, no matter how right it may feel to you)

2 - Be yourself (literally be yourself)

 

I agree that there is no set script to follow, but the main thing is that they are more than just a friend - make them feel special.