How do I amke my friend see shes going to end up hurt ?

[ChocoBB]

I have a friend who just started an affair and it has been going on for a few months now. This is her first she has slept around twice before but they were one-night stands. She is not married but has been living ith someone for the past 4 years and share 3 children together. They are commited to each other.Her husband has not mistreated her but I can see that the spark is not there anymore. In her affair that she is having the man is not going to leave his wife and she won't leave her man. I've been trying to tell her everything in order for her to stop it but she NEVER listens. As she says she wants her cake and eat it to. She doesn't feel guilty and wishes that she met him instead of her husband. She also said that its more than sex and that she is starting to have feelings for him. He also said the same thing. I don't know what to tell her anymore. She knows she going to end up hurt but she doesn't seem to care, wants to or even wants to think about.

 

I fell bad for her husband because she is doing this behind his back and he doesn't even know. She says she will try and stop it but from her past experience that she tells me I doubt that things will change.

 

Any suggestions ???

[anggrace]

I can see how this is hard for you to sit back and watch- being that you obviously care for her. unfortunately, Im not so sure there is anything you can do about it. Youve already tried to talk to her, what else can you do?

[Day_Walker]

Your friend already knows that she is going to end up hurt. I would continue to state your displeasure with the situation and that is all you can really do.

[sddeaston]

You said they are committed to each other?

 

Sounds like a one-sided commitment to me.

[DizzyDoris]

You've voiced your opinion to her but she has to learn by her own mistakes. I cant see how you can get her to stop this, so just be there for her when it all goes wrong to help pick up the pieces.

[Northalius]

You said they are committed to each other?

 

Sounds like a one-sided commitment to me.

 

Exactly. What I was thinking when I read that, also.

 

This might sound too straight-forward, but sorry, I have to say it:

 

Tell her husband about it. Yeah, I know, she's your friend... but still, you know this is the right thing to do. Do it. It is not right to keep under the covers.

 

If she can't be an adult and come forward about it, then you should be the adult and do it for her.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

Eventually, one of them will get caught and that relationship will end. The other person will realize that the relationship was just a functional thing, and not want to have anything to do with the person who got caught. Happens all the time, and there isn't much you can do about it unfortunately.

[ChocoBB]

I wish it was that simple, I would feel terrible to tell her husband anyways, I know i'll betrya her that way so I wouldn't be able to...Thanks for all the advice I think I'll just sit back and see what happens.

[Rabican]

I would probably say that I couldnt sit back and watch my friend engage in behavior fit for a tramp. Either, I am backing away and ending my friendship with them, or they can do the right thing, and end things or tell their SO.

 

I wouldnt want to be the 'friend' who knew about this all along, and was in a position to enlighten the unknowing spouse, but never does because of my friendship... to someone who shows no morals.

[Rabican]

I wish it was that simple, I would feel terrible to tell her husband anyways, I know i'll betrya her that way so I wouldn't be able to...Thanks for all the advice I think I'll just sit back and see what happens.

 

If you saw a crime happen, rape, murder, hit & run... would you not inform the authorities, or the victim of what you saw?

If you were the husband here, would you not want to know?

 

Friend or not, theres a man wasting his life with a woman whom isnt worthy of his time, effort, money, heart, soul etc. And he doesnt even know it. Id consider this my moral obligation to inform him. Do it anonymously if you have to. Send him a unaddressed letter, make a new email account and send im an email etc.

[Northalius]

I would probably say that I couldnt sit back and watch my friend engage in behavior fit for a tramp. Either, I am backing away and ending my friendship with them, or they can do the right thing, and end things or tell their SO.

 

I wouldnt want to be the 'friend' who knew about this all along, and was in a position to enlighten the unknowing spouse, but never does because of my friendship... to someone who shows no morals.

 

On the money there! At least in line with how I feel.

 

If my friend is cheating on his wife, I'd think twice about what kind of friend he really is. If he can lie and cheat on the one he was supposed to commit his life to, got married, had children with, and says "I love you" to...then how much less will he be loyal to a person like me, his "friend", when it comes down to his selfish wants compared to my well being?

 

You must think of these things, because they're real posibilities.

 

Picture yourself in your friends' husbands' shoes. Think long and hard about this, it's a serious issue.

[radioheader]

i was kinda in this situation too...i was there to support my friend and give her advice...i told her i didn't agree but that she was the adult and had to make her own decisions...the one thing i stressed is you better be ready to deal with the consequences if they arise...ie husband finding out...(my husband was just caught in an affair when this happened) so it was kina awkward...i was listening to her and then dealing with my own troubles ...but we were there for each other and made it thru each...she ended her short affair and i made it thru his infidelity thru counseling...be supportive but be realistic about what she could lose....good luck.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

If you saw a crime happen, rape, murder, hit & run... would you not inform the authorities, or the victim of what you saw?

If you were the husband here, would you not want to know?

 

Friend or not, theres a man wasting his life with a woman whom isnt worthy of his time, effort, money, heart, soul etc. And he doesnt even know it. Id consider this my moral obligation to inform him. Do it anonymously if you have to. Send him a unaddressed letter, make a new email account and send im an email etc.

 

Wait a minute, if your friend was stealing office supplies or petty cash from their employer would you tell their employer? There is a big difference between murder and rape to infidelity. Also, the idea that her friend is morally deficient is simplistic. She is in an unhealthy relationship that both her and her husband are responsible for. Happy people in healthy relationships don't have affairs, and yeah I agree she's being selfish by how she is handling it, but she isn't Jane the ripper or the anti-christ because of three lines of text. Relationships are complex things, and it's never 100% anyone's fault.

 

I wouldn't get directly involved in this. I would tell your friend that you don't want to know anymore details, and that you disagree with what she is doing, that she's setting herself up for a painful life changing experience when it eventually comes crashing down around her, that she is going to destroy her husband when he finds out, and that she should tell her husband to go with her to relationship counseling ASAP and try to salvage the marriage or decide to move on.

[Rabican]

Reluctant: if my friend was morally deficient, I would probably not consider them worthy of my friendship. I would either a, tell the husband or b, remove myself from their life. If they cannot keep a commitment they made before god (if you believe, I dont), family, friends, etc. then why would they keep any kind of commitment to me as a friend?

 

Would I tell the husband? Probably... id want someone to do the same for me.

 

Would I rat someone out for stealing ink pens... probably not. An employer losing $3 for some pens is a far smaller issue in my opinion than a man wasting 10 years of his life with a woman whos stabbing him in the back unknowingly. I guess we just see this differently, I would look at it like, wow I could save this guy how much time, just by letting him know what is going on. Not just time, but what if the other guy has HIV or something like that? I would feel like I could have, or should have done more if I just stood by and dusted my hands and said, not my problem.

 

Also I do feel that cheating is 100% the cheaters fault. Bad behavior never, ever justifies bad behavior. If im mean to my girl, that does not alleviate 20% of the blame for her to go ahead and cheat. If she stops doing housework that doesnt mean im halfway there to a get out of cheating free card. How you deal with adversity tells a lot about a person. Some people rise to the occasion, and work through it... others run into someone else arms. Who do you really blame?

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

Oh I agree that the affair is 100% the cheater's fault. She made the decision to go out with this guy, but I'm saying that the conditions that lead up to an affair and jointly shared by both the cheater and her husband. It may look like I'm splitting hairs, but I'm not. I'm sure that if it were up to the cheater, she wouldn't want to be in a relationship that was so unfulfilling that she run around with a new guy. And I'm not justifying the cheater's behaviour at all. If you set the affair aside for a moment and look at the relationship, you probably have two unhappy people, not doing anything to fix the situation. She made a selfish move in finding comfort in this new man's arms, and she is really fooling herself that this new guy is her "soul mate".

 

But you're right, we probably see this differently. I respect your opinion and I think you made a good point. But I'm sticking by my mine that the responsibility to keep the relationship whole is both parties, the affair is a selfish and crappy way to deal with their problem, and informing the husband is a bad idea.

[ChocoBB]

I have to agrre with you she does think he is her new soul mate but with my friend I don't know she says one thing and the next minute she will chang, she had a one thing stand already behind his back. I don't understand her.. she is one of those people you can talk to for hours on end but in the end what you said will never be absorbed. I made a mistake while typing the first time, they arre not married but are together like if there married. One of the main reason why she feels that she is not commiting a sin of any sort. Anyways I appreciate all the feed back but I still don't fel that it is my place to tell her man.

[Rabican]

 

But you're right, we probably see this differently. I respect your opinion and I think you made a good point. But I'm sticking by my mine that the responsibility to keep the relationship whole is both parties, the affair is a selfish and crappy way to deal with their problem, and informing the husband is a bad idea.

 

I sort of misunderstood your point.... I thought you were saying that If i make a mistake, its not all my girls fault if she cheats. But you were saying that if im a bad boyfriend, then im not doing my part... I gotcha, and Id say we agree.

 

Cheating = fault of the cheater

Bad relationship = fault of both