should i stay or should i go

[sleex]

ive been with my boyfriend for 10 months now. we've said our "i love yous" and are pretty serious. One problem is though that I drive myself mad dating him. I am constantly being needy, and I dont know how to change it. Not only is it me, though. I sometimes think it is things I want him to do more. I've talked to him many times, saying i want him to call me more, make plans with me more etc. and he'll keep it up for a week or so and then go back into the old routine which is ME doing all the work. I'm always the one making our plans, I'M always the one calling him after work etc. I've talked to him about it so many times, and I love him so much I dont want to break it off but I feel like its only going down hill from here, and I dont know what to do. He is very stubborn and I dont want to push it off as if im telling him what to do. How do I let him know what I want without sounding demdaning or needy? I dont want to push him away, but I feel like the onyl resort as of now, is to break it off. Help !

[SuperDave71]

Hey there...

 

 

I am sorry you are feeling the way you do but I have a solution for you.

 

 

Give him a "brush with death"....meaning breakup with him....

 

 

Sometimes people need to get a taste for what they are losing in order to change for the better.

 

Tell him you are very frustrated with doing all the work (as stated above) and its not gtting any better. Tell him it is time to go because you needs are not being met.

 

Take one to three days to let him think it over but DO NOT CONTACT HIM...

 

Tell him talk is cheap but you do love him....

 

 

after the third day....talk with him and let him tell you what he plans to do...

 

 

If he doesn't demonstrate it to you on a regualr basis, (3 weeks max)..you can leave him for good.

 

 

 

Give that a try.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[sleex]

one problem ; we leave for dominican republic in a week for vacation

[SuperDave71]

Well...do it now...and when you come back...he will have an answer for ya.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[justpaisley]

Your boyfriend is who he is. You shouldn't try to change him, which is clearly what you're trying to do. You're not needy - you need one thing from him, which is for him to contribute more to the relationship. If he's not the kind of person who will do that, it's definitely time to break it off with him. It's not his fault or yours, you just have different relationship expectations. He expects you to make the calls and plans, you expect him to do some of it. It's simply incompatibility. If you've already talked to him about it, you've done your part in the relationship.

 

Good luck.

[chigal28]

It sounds like he's pretty content with the way things are right now, and I do agree with Super Dave in that he might need a little shaking up, but I don't know that I would go so far as to break up with him. If someone broke up with me to make a point, I would always wonder if they'd do it again to make a point, and I'd feel very insecure and untrusting.

 

What I would do is change your behavior, because that is something you can control. Stop being the one to call him, stop being the one to make plans, and wait for him to come to you. It might take a few days, but he'll start to wonder what feels different...what's up...and miss you. Then hopefully he will step up to the plate.

 

SHOW him how you want it to be, don't tell him and then revert back to old patterns. This will feel really weird, and be VERY frustrating at first, but just TRUST that if you pull back, he will follow.

 

My boyfriend used to be the exact same way. I'm his first relationship, even though he just turned 30, and he was pretty set in his ways...he'd say he'd call and then forget, he wouldn't mention plans for date night and I'd have to bring it up, etc....it was SO frustrating, because that's not how I wanted it to be. I'd keep on him about it, and he'd apologize and promise to change, but as long as I kept making things easy for him, things didn't change.

 

Then one day I decided, you know what? He's a big boy. He has my number, and I know he enjoys being with me, so I'll wait for him to call. And as tempting as it was to pick up the phone and call, or say "so what are we doing for date night this week, honey?" I didn't....I waited. And guess what? He came through...and that set the tone for our relationship now. I feel respected, wanted and cherished...and you deserve the same.

 

As I said, it might feel weird, but try it for a week...and see what happens. It's not manipulative, at least not in my opinion...it's showing him what you expect. If you want him to take the lead, make him. He might just need a bit of guidance. Good luck!!

[Belle]

I'm with Chigal. Try that for a month or so and if it doesn't work, there's nothing left to do but Superdave's plan B.

 

As long as you do all of the work in the relationship, someone is going to let you. Stop, and it'll force htem to take the reigns or not. But telling him is going in one ear and out the other.

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

it's very difficult for people to change. especially when someone else wants them to.

 

just accept the fact that he's not the type of person who can meet your needs. and it's not his fault. just find someone else.

 

Oh, and skip the mind games-- it's like yo-yo dieting... it only works for a certain amount of time, and once it stops working, things go back to the way they used to be.

[lady00]

I don't think you should ever break up with someone to test him. If someone did that to me, I don't think I'd go back. Breaking up with someone breaks trust, it hurts the other person. Please don't take offense at my asking this but is it possible that you think about him too much? I mean, I know he's your bf but is it possible that you're focusing way too much on him and the relationship and not enough on other things in your life? I know it's annoying when the person you're dating doesn't call as much as you'd like but I find that the busier I am the less I notice and it's okay not to talk to each other all the time as long as you still care about each other and enjoy each other during the time you do have together.

[Benson]

wow sleex....

 

 

I had the same problem. Unfortunately for me it didnt end the way I wanted it to.

 

I always asked my ex to call me more often and try to express her love for me, be more open to me....

 

What I should have realized (maybe I did but I was too naieve to break it off) was that she wasnt the one for me, because she didnt meet my needs/wants..

 

You should look at it that way... Dont expect someone to change who they are for you, you should have someone that doesnt need to change to keep you happy..

 

just my $0.02

[meantime]

I drive myself mad dating him? Well dating shouldn't be like this should it? Being in a relationship is work but both people need to be willing to do the work. It has only been ten months and it sounds as though you are so frustrated but deeply in love which makes it tough to be objective. Keep working it if you love him and you feel he loves you, you will know when the madness has become too much and you will end things. You may also decide to accept that this is who he is and proceed from there. Take your vacation and try to relax and examine all the other aspects of the relationship that you do or don't like.