THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[LemonCheesecak]

Day 9

 

I had quite a funny moment. As part of a sort of feedback on our Uni course we had to get into groups and discuss our opinions of how we were being educated, when I got a text from an unknown number, asking me how I was. I was about to reply with "Who is this?" when I realised its my ex's number! I was so distracted and not thinking about her I didn't even recognise the number I could recite in my sleep haha

 

So I maintained NC and haven't replied. I feel a pang of guilt every now and then because she was only asking how I was after 9 days of not speaking, and I've just ignored it. She's not a horrible person, and I still admire her very much, but then again I owe her nothing, she dumped me and I told her being 'friends' would never be the same, no matter how much she kids herself.

 

Getting the old gang together tonight for a pub quiz like we used to do when we all lived close by, should be a laugh And its a downstairs bar so, thats right, no phone signal and no temptation to reply to that text (which is deleted anyway).

[JohnGalt]

Having said that, one thing that's trotting around my mind is to check ehr facebook page (that I've hidden from the news feed). I'm 99% sure I won't cos I know it's not good for me, but I suppose I AM curious as to what's happening to her. I haven't updated mine since the breakup so I know she won't have a clue what I've been up to, unless she finds my Twitter account (and even then I only really use that for professional banter so not much insight for her there either). I feel ready, but having done it 3 weeks ago I know that it'll hit me like a ton fo bricks and I'll feel sick, regardless of whether there's anything to see there or not. So I absolutely won't do it. *sits on hands*

 

Dude, seriously, delete her as a friend from facebook.

 

My ex and I recently went on a date and it went well. Possibility of reconciliation. I undeleted her from facebook and reactivated my account. Checked her page since we're in the same network and my heart sunk. Terrible feeling. Funny thing is, the content was innocuous. Just some random banter on her wall. Facebook is the devil when it comes to healing from breakups. Trust me on this.

[LemonCheesecak]

Having said that, one thing that's trotting around my mind is to check ehr facebook page (that I've hidden from the news feed)

 

99% doesn't leave a big enough margin for you, so I'd keep things as they were. You maintain an air of mystery to her, and don't trouble yourself with whatever she's up to. Keep it up!

[lauramed]

Day 10

 

Have 2 missed calls that he made to me yesterday at 6 AM. I know that means that he had a bad night and needed someone to talk to. Confused as to what to do now. Part of me does not want to ignore the calls. I just figure since he was the one to call it may be alright to call him back....however the other part of me (my head) doesn't want him to think that I'll be an emotional crutch to him whenever he's feeling down, unless there is a chance of being able to start a relationship again. Arghhh!!!! Why is it that when you start to feel as though you have to let go, they get in touch with you again??

[troubbble]

Lauramed

I was in the same situation last weekend except I decided to call back. She was hysterical because she thought she had a medical problem. I consoled her and then we had a good long talk just like good prebreakup ones. At the end we discussed getting back together or rather I asked if we could. The answer was no.

When they feel weak they think of you because that's what they have grown accustumed to. So you just become their crutch. But they won't be there for you in your time of pain or that would be a relationship. What they are doing may not be intensionally hurtful and selfish but that's what it ends up being.

If my words sound laced with bitterness it's because they are. But I think there are some valid points somewhere in there.

[CoCo2009]

This will be my 3rd day no contact, he hasn't talked to me since he left me on last friday the 6th it has been a week and two days since our break up and I feel like he just left and he didn't care. It hurts so bad especially in the morning I'm crying so hard right now. I hate my life so bad, I don't want to do this anymore. it hurts so bad.

[lauramed]

troubble

 

I don't want to become his crutch if that's all there is. It's just that after 3 months of basically nothing from him he suddenly calling. It started almost 3 weeks ago. The first call I did answer because I was so shocked to see that it was him. After that I let a few phone calls go before I decided to call him. Then a few more calls that I ignored and he asked me if I was avoiding him. So I will foolishly call him today to check on him, but not getting my hopes up about anything at this point. It's just so hard to ignore him, but I can't put myself in the position of getting hurt again. I'm not going back to that place with all the growing and healing that I've done over the past 3 months. Of course I need to gather my courage and ask him just what it is that he wants with me and let him know that I can't have my heart broken once again by him. I didn't think I would make it the last time and if I set myself up for that once again I know that it's going to put me back at square one and I deserve so much better than that.

[ToodlePip]

99% doesn't leave a big enough margin for you, so I'd keep things as they were. You maintain an air of mystery to her, and don't trouble yourself with whatever she's up to. Keep it up!

 

Dude, seriously, delete her as a friend from facebook.

 

My ex and I recently went on a date and it went well. Possibility of reconciliation. I undeleted her from facebook and reactivated my account. Checked her page since we're in the same network and my heart sunk. Terrible feeling. Funny thing is, the content was innocuous. Just some random banter on her wall. Facebook is the devil when it comes to healing from breakups. Trust me on this.

 

 

Thanks for the support guys! TBH the 1% is down to doing it if I'm drunk, but then again it hasn't happened so far and like I said, last time I checked weeks ago, there was random banter, a pic, and no sign of a changed trelationship status change from single, but I still felt like my heart was going to explode, so not doing it again. I still feel faint when I see her name pop up in my inbox... So I know not to do it.

 

I see what you're saying John, but for some reason I feel fine not deleting her and woudl ratehr not send the message that it would - feels quite aggressive. I'd ratehr rise above it liek a man - I've hidden her, her family and her friends so see nothing at all about her social interactions. We don't really have overlapping social circles so I can carry on using the PM tool on facebook to communicate with my friends, and respond to their wall messages. She essentially sees nothing from me, and me from her and I like it that way.

 

Quite ironic really - I work in Social Media (hence can't deactivate my accounts) and yet I'm learning that Social Media tools can actually be quite harmful in times like these. Time for a career change?

[ToodlePip]

Funny isn't it? They sense when they drop out of our head. Mine emails me the day after I'm told to submit a proposal that will potentially save my and my workmates jobs. I temporarily forget about her, up she pops in my inbox. Bit disturbing in a funny way!

[LemonCheesecak]

Funny isn't it? They sense when they drop out of our head. Mine emails me the day after I'm told to submit a proposal that will potentially save my and my workmates jobs. I temporarily forget about her, up she pops in my inbox. Bit disturbing in a funny way!

 

If I was a conspiracy nut I'd say there's a bit of a Truman Show vibe about the whole thing haha.

[ToodlePip]

Problem is, I've noticed I've started feeling on edge walking down my street and around work, cos it's been a while since we've seen each other and with the way the world works, we'll bump into each other eventually! So I figure that if I force myself to EXPECT it, it won;t happen, as it only happens when you're relaxed and not thinking about it. Of course it means I'm forcing myself to be nervous which isn't good either. Can't win

[brazilgirl21]

JG - I am doing alright. I mean, I'm MUCH better than I was on Day 1, but I still think about him and miss him a lot. There are BIG chances that I might see him this Saturday on a Graduation party which is probably where this strenght to keep NC is coming from. It's like, well, at least Saturday, I'll see his face.

 

I would like input and rules on these situations. If you see your ex at a party that you both have to attend because of mutual friends, and he comes up to you and say hi, is that breaking NC? How should I deal with it?

[ToodlePip]

Hi brazilgirl21 - I would say not to break NC would be incredibly rude and very counter productive if you do want some form of interaction with him in the future. If you can manage it, I'd say hi back, shoot the breeze for 5mns then make your excuses and go back to your friends. I would mention this to a couple of very close friends who can "bail you out" if you see what I mean. They could come over and get you after a few minutes to give you a reason to walk away.

[brazilgirl21]

ToodlePip - Oh my friend, it's going to be more complicated than that. He's seeing a new girl and will probably be with her. This girl HATES my guts because well, my ex dumped her for me before and she knows about our long/intense history and is VERY insecure/jealous about me. Which I COMPLETELY understand and don't blame her.

However, I guess it's going to be SUPER awkward because we won't be able to talk for long anyways because the girl will probably have a heart attack. I mean, I don't even know if my ex will talk to me at all, he might just avoid me. So yeah, it's going to be pretty dramatic. I guess we will just have to say hi and that will probably be it. It's probably going to be the first time I see my ex with someone else, and although I'm pretty sure I can keep my cool, it's going to be HARD.

 

I guess my point of being at this party is to show my ex that I'm NOT crying/depressed over him like it appeared 1 month ago and that my life did go on and that I'm beautiful, happy, and can be civil towards him and even his new gf. Plus, it's one of my good friend's graduation. I just really DO NOT want to cause any drama between him and this girl so I really want to be very descrete.

[lauramed]

I'm such an idiot. I called him and I know that I shouldn't have, but he called twice yesterday morning and I ignored his calls. He wants to see me tonight and I know that it's going to have to be me that brings up just what he wants from me. Unless he wants to work on reconciling I just can't keep allowing him to do this to me. I'm just praying that I will have the courage to say to him the things that I need to say.

[ToodlePip]

brazilgirl, in that case I would say be positive, friendly, sweet, and essentially be the better person. Her insecurity will serve you well as long as you don't play her games. Don't approach, let them come to you. Again, I'd try to be the first one to leave the situation as well, even throwing in a little "it was good to see you BOTH". You can do major damage to "them" just by the above, if she does react the way you describe.

 

As for it being hard, maybe try and approach it as a game, test, whatever. Try and pretend it's his sister or cousin. Imagine that she's crap in bed. Picture her on the toilet. Anything to knock her down and make her not worth the emotional pain. I personally try to get to the point where I feel sorry for the couple - it allows me to be nice and raise myself above what I percieve their sorry situation is. Not particularly nice but it works for me to get me through such situations in the past.

[troubbble]

Lauramed

Don't be the one to bring up anything. It's his job to reconcile with you. Don't give him anything unless he is willing to extend his hand first. If he wants to give this another chance i'm sure he will say so. If he doesn't just kindly but firmly remind him that you want to be in a relationship and if he can't commit to at least work toward that then it isn't healthy for the two of you to be in contact. Be friendly, don't be cold. I know it's hard. I did the exact same thing last week. But if you don't convey what your needs are he will prolong the pain for you. Not intensionally, but that's just what happens. If you do let him know that what you want is a relationship and nothing short of that then I'm the chance that you do get back together it will be the healthier relationship that I'm sure you want.

Again I know how hard this is and I'm in your corner. Good luck with tonight.

[brazilgirl21]

ToodlePip- thanks so much for the advice. Anyways, I don't think she will come up to me at all, I think it will only be him, and maybe she'll be holding his hand and ignoring me? I have NO idea what to expect. I'm PRETTY nervous, however, I miss him SO much that I'm just SO excited of the chance of seeing him, even if he's with her. Is that me being a masochist?

[Eleanor Rigby]

was doing pretty good today now im sad again. I had a missed call on my phone today while i was out and thought it was him and it was a wrong number. It sucks to feel so forgotten and cast aside.

[ToodlePip]

Could be worse - you could be getting an email or a text like did. It feels even worse than nothing, because it means she couldn't even be bothered or couldn't face talking to me on the phone I tell myself it's because she's scared of me rejecting her, or that heaing my voice would set her back, but I don't know.

[CoCo2009]

atleast your ex's cared enough to communicate with you. Mines just hung up in my face and ignored my calls and forced me to leave him alone with silence. I feel so small.

[Eleanor Rigby]

i just fought a huge urge to check yahoo and won.. yay me.

[Anon21]

at least your ex's cared enough to communicate with you. Mines just hung up in my face and ignored my calls and forced me to leave him alone with silence. I feel so small.

I'm with you here... It's a really crappy feeling, especially when it goes from friendly, to this overnight.

[Eleanor Rigby]

I'm with you here... It's a really crappy feeling, especially when it goes from friendly, to this overnight.

 

thats what happened to me.. we went from really friendly and enjoying each other to nothing all of a sudden. The rug was really pulled out from underneath me.

[brazilgirl21]

Well at least your exes are single! I have to live with the fact that I broke up with my ex, I let him go, and when I realized I loved him it was too late!! It's so hard to live with the guilt. Day 28, I miss him more than ever!!!