THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[bear12]

Today I feel nauseous. I ate about five large chocolate bars since lunch. Nothing else.

 

it's okay... i have a chocolate addiction too. maybe we can start a new thread about that!

 

but seriously, don't be so hard on yourself! you can't compare your experience to anyone else's! there's no "right" or "wrong" in this. we're all growing and learning.

 

but i DO think that eating better would make you feel happier (i know it does with me) throw some fruits and veggies in there... and do what i do and for breakfast try oatmeal with chocolate chips on top. i swear it's delicious!

[bear12]

I feel so invisible here sometimes. Except for a few kind souls, I feel so ignored. Is it because my posts are so long? Is it because my situation doesn't count because we didn't really love each other? When I had my 30 days I had to make a fuss before anyone even acknowledged me. I'm so vulnerable right now and I feel like I get hurt here all the time. I'm so tired of people not caring about me.

 

and in response to this, maybe starting your own threads more often would elicit more response. i'm very sorry you feel that way. i hope you know that although you might perceive things like this, it's really not objectively true- people do care!!!!

 

oh, i see.. you recently did... well, yes, i would say keeping things shorter tends to help as well! it's not that people don't care but sometimes when people see so much text it scares them a bit!!

[Rosie007]

Thanks, Bear. I really appreciate it.

 

I feel horrible about a million ways today. I'm just going to go to bed.

 

Oh, and for the first time, I unblocked his IM for about a minute tonight -- the first time I did this since he told me he was going to sleep with someone else, like i was nothing.

 

Fortunately, he wasn't logged on. I'm so glad he wasn't on. I hate him and I don't want him to know I still care.

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi Rosie,

 

How are you today? I care and you are not invisible far from it...you give so much to so many on his forum. I think so many people are wrapped up in their own problems they don't register what's going on with others. Don't take it to heart sweetie.

 

I think working 70+ hours really doesn't help Rosie, are you just busy or trying to keep busy to have less thinking time? You need some time for YOU. You are important and you matter.

 

You are no different to anybody here, it doesn't matter what the finer details are, you loved Rex and that's all that matters.

 

Your posts are not long, you are articulate and honest and you write beautifully.

 

I hope the sun shines for you soon xxx

[Rosie007]

Thank you, Sweet Pisces Princess. You have alway been so kind to me. You have know idea how much your caring words have meant to me.

 

It's very hard for me to ask for help. It hurts too much to ask, and when I do reach out and it's not acknowledged, that hurts ten times as bad.

 

I know I'm having an emotional crisis. I know I'm not alone. There are definitely people here who have been sweet and supportive.

 

Perhaps I'm just a black hole of need. For love. And that's why I scare men away. They fear getting lost in the black hole. They sense my desperation to once and for all be loved.

 

Since I was a little girl I was this way. Why would an 8-year-old identify with two movies:

 

1) Cabaret -- maybe this time, for the first time, love won't hurry away

 

2) Sweet Charity -- somebody loves me ... me ... me ... me (terrific musical about a woman who has no resources, gives all she's got to men who are just using her, and has heart broken continually)

 

 

It's so embarrassing to admit all this.

[supercalifragilistic]

Hey Rosie!

 

Please don't feel like nobody cares, I always read your posts, the only reason I don't respond is because I feel like I don't have anything useful to say since our situation is not all that similar and I have NO relatioship experience really

 

Maybe that's what people do, they tend to respond mostly to a situation that is similar to theirs. Anyways, I'll try to give some advice, I hope it helps. When I was feeling like you what helped was make a list of all the bad things about him so I could realize that maybe he's not the one for me after all. Maybe he was, but he changed and unless he changes back to who he was, no way. You mention he didn't say he loved you, maybe you're better off without him? I'm sure once you get through this you'll find someone MUCH better who will actually love you and want you to know it. I know it's hard to be alone, but sometimes relationships start to get so stressful that when you really think about it, it's better to be alone than with an idiot that doesn't appreciate you (like my ex). I still love him and everything, like you. But what I try to remember myself that the person I love is gone, he's not like that anymore so I have to let go and eventually someone better will come along, who know, maybe a better him even. Just remember, things always happen for the best, try to see the good things this break up brought you, I'm sure there'll be at least a few. And also focus on the good things you have going for you, which I'm sure you have from reading your posts, I think a big mistake I was making was focusing on what I didn't have. That's what was making me depressed.

 

Anyways, I nearly wrote a book

 

I hope you are feeling better today!

[Rosie007]

p.s. Yesterday I posted in another forum. It's the first time I ever started my own thread.

 

 

 

 

Lots of people looked at it. Until I went to bed last night, only the fair Lady had responded.

 

As I was bouncing off walls in pain last night, I really took the silence to my thread to heart. Didn't seem correct what I posted here in the challenge, where people know me, but I did post in the "Getting Back Together" section.

 

All feedback / insight welcome to that post ... or any other.

 

I need all the help I can get. Now and forever. I just don't have practice or grace asking for help. I'm cursed with being efficient and self sufficient. I'm generally very self reliant -- which is not to imply I'm not blessed with many dear, wonderful friends. I am. I truly am. But I can usually get along pretty well ... and yes I hide in my work to keep myself preoccupied and feeling useful. Rex absolutely wouldn't allow me to work at his house, and I was so grateful for him helping me to set a limit I'd been unable to manage alone. But now he's gone, and I'm slipping into old patterns.

 

It doesn't help to have a boss who pushes me the moment I ease up. He's so subtle. We've actually had several heated discussions about this lately. I told him I'm just not going to work so hard. In fact, I told him a year ago I was going to stop working so hard. All people, even bosses, don't like when you change the terms of the relationship. They fight very hard to keep the status quo, no matter what the personal expense of another, even if they care for that person.

 

In terms of overworking, I felt as if last week was an exception because of the launch. It can also be exciting to push one's limits like that. Test the boundaries of what I'm capable of. But I guess it's fair to say my soul is crying out, desperately afraid that I'm going to betray her again, turn away from her again and lose myself in work. But I don't to do that. I swear I won't. Even if I don't have Rex to help me set limits, I'll take care of myself.

[Rosie007]

Thanks, Supercalifragilistic. Your words means so much to me. Just like a spoonful of sugar

 

And I love your name. Mary Poppins has always been one of my favorite movies.

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi Rosie,

 

Your post made me smile. I always loved sweet charity...x

 

As for your quote Perhaps I'm just a black hole of need. For love. And that's why I scare men away. They fear getting lost in the black hole. They sense my desperation to once and for all be loved.

 

First how do you feel about yourself? Do you love and cherish yourself? I suspect that you always put others before yourself. You said that you don't like to ask for help, but give of yourself so freely Rosie so please try to take a little back.

 

If you find it difficult to ask for help, do you find it difficult to ask for love and what you want in a love relationship? xxx

[Tshwane]

Day 23 - thnx to Rosie and Solar, yr words really helped out yesterday. Feeling better today.

[misskitty]

DAY 8

 

i haven't been online too much. I wanted to post an update. Its been ok, not fantastic. This morning I am having all sorts of feelings and doubts of my decision. I can say though, is I haven't really felt this confident in myself in a LONG time. I am starting to be ok with the fact that there is a big chance I will be single for quite a while, and I am ok with that. I am starting to enjoy my activities with my family and my alone time more and more each day.

 

I am not even intrested in meeting anybody, I do not have the time to dedicate to anyone at this moment or even anytime in the near future. I have reflected alot in the past few days and I decided I am just focusing on myself and to follow my dreams in what I want to do. Without anyone telling me otherwise.

 

I realized yesterday it was a month since the last time I saw him. I was a little sad and really didn't cry alot which surprised me. I was not holding back any feelings either. i have no clue what he is doing or what is going on in his life and it doesn't bother me as much anymore. Sometimes I start to wonder but its just too exhausting.

[thelonelydoll]

Day Five (again)

 

Went to Al-Anon last night and got some reassurance there about my breaking NC on Friday, confirming what Rosie had posted for me here. But at somepoint yesterday afternoon, I looked in the mirror and realized just how much this relationship aged me - in addition to feeling beaten down, I actually look beaten down. It was a bit of a shock to my system, and just the kick I needed to really begin taking better care of myself. I might not be eating or sleeping normally, still, but today's the day I really will begin with some light exercise - and I'm going to force myself to smile as much as possible. Over a month of frowning has taken its toll on my face, and I need to be doing a lot of "exterior" work as well as "interior."

[macgyver4ever]

Day 14

 

So I've posted everyday that her birthday is coming up this weekend and that I don't plan on sending a card. Everyday that goes by, I question more and more why I don't want to send it. I fear burning the bridge. PLEASE HELP ME MAKE A DECISION.

 

Reasons Why I Should Send it

-I still love and care about her

-I do not want to burn the bridge to us eventually getting back together

-I getting close to acceptance, and it might be a good time to reopen communication

-Did I mention I still love her, and I like being romantic

 

Reasons why I should NOT send it

-She sent me a rude, cold email 15 days ago telling to not talk to her parents

-I would have to start all over in this challenge for the 4 time. 17 days each time.

-She doesn't really deserve it

-She cheated on me a year ago during her birthday party

-Not sending one will make her disappointed

-It's a way for me standing up for myself, and letting her know it's not okay what she did

 

 

My plan has been to not send one, and say it was lost in the mail if she ever asks. I also like the idea of her not getting a card from me a being disappointed. It's a way for me to stand up for myself.

[thelonelydoll]

It's going to be hard for me not to in 3 weeks' time, too, but NO - DON'T SEND HER ANYTHING - you said it yourself, she "really doesn't deserve it"!

[misskitty]

I agree with thelonelydoll, don't send her a card.

[Rosie007]

Day 14

 

So I've posted everyday that her birthday is coming up this weekend and that I don't plan on sending a card. Everyday that goes by, I question more and more why I don't want to send it. I fear burning the bridge. PLEASE HELP ME MAKE A DECISION.

 

Do I think you should send your EX a birthday card, dial 1-800-PAIN, lose all the great progress you've made, pull off the scab?

 

No just no, but heck no!

[boston23]

Mac-I agree with everyone, don't send it. All of your "reasons to send it" are reasons that you shouldn't send it. You recognize you still love her, don't send the thing, give yourself some time. In terms of the whole cutting off the bridge for communication/getting back together, that's not true (my ex didn't send me one, and it's not like I decided that I would never speak to him again because he didn't send me a note that day). You're not any less of a nice guy if you don't send it, and it doesn't mean that you don't care for her any less. Right now, your priority should be to feel better and to heal, and sending it will back track you.

 

Sooo. New development that I thought I would share. Monday night I read over some of my old posts. I was struck particularly on some of the posts that I had written after my ex had sent me a text mssg wishing me a birthday 3 weeks late. It hadn't bothered me not to get a birthday mssg on my birthday, but getting one 3 weeks late really pissed me off. "Why bother? Loo-ser." And reading those made me realize that I'm feeling way better than I am giving myself credit for. Yes, I'm sure I still have feelings for my ex, and yes, I'm still vulnerable (and thus, shouldn't see him or start hanging out with him). But really, I feel over him, my healing didn't go backwards, I just thought it had.

 

Since I realized that, I've been walking around with a smile on my face. That relationship isn't holding me back the same way I thought it was 3 days ago. I think that maybe the reason that I felt like I was less over him than I am was because I'm scared of moving on. Maybe something to do with the guy that keeps on asking me out. If I'm still in love with my ex (or at least convince myself that I am), then I can't really get hurt by a new guy in my life.

 

So I broke NC yesterday, just by calling him (he didn't answer). He still has some stuff of mine, I want it back, and I now realize he doesn't have that power over me and I can get the stuff back if I want it. My life has moved on and I don't need to feel that it shouldn't have.

 

Yay! So I'm done with the Challenge. I guess it really helps to read our past posts sometime.

[macgyver4ever]

Ok, so everyone says a resounding "NO"

 

What about this:

 

I wait until I get a job, (which should be soon) and then send it just saying "Happy Birthday, I got a job." I send it in a dark colored envelope so that she cannot see the postmark date, and then send i to her parents. Since she does not go home anymore, her parents will call to tell her she got a card from me. She will ask what it says, and that way I can let her parents know I got a job at the same time (I was very close with them but am not allowed to talk to them.)

 

What do you think? Does this scream desperate or what!!

[Puckdog27]

Ok, so everyone says a resounding "NO"

 

What about this:

 

I wait until I get a job, (which should be soon) and then send it just saying "Happy Birthday, I got a job." I send it in a dark colored envelope so that she cannot see the postmark date, and then send i to her parents. Since she does not go home anymore, her parents will call to tell her she got a card from me. She will ask what it says, and that way I can let her parents know I got a job at the same time (I was very close with them but am not allowed to talk to them.)

 

What do you think? Does this scream desperate or what!!

 

It screams I need a reason to break NC.

 

Nope, Dont send anything. Look what your doing here, your trying to rationalyze a reason to contact her, and no offense but that plan is a silly one.

 

Now go back and read all of your old posts when you did the same thing then felt like crap when you broke NC. Your obviously doing much better so STAY STRONG. NO CARDS. NO CALLS TO HER PARENTS. NO CONTACT.

[solarplexus]

Mac,

 

Sorry if this is harsh.

 

Everything you write and do look like you are still doing them for her. It is obvious that you are still thinking about how she will react to each and every single move you make.

 

I am following your every single post and trying to find a progress. Sorry but I could not see any progress. Finally, your last post about sending her a card broke me into pieces. Yes, it made me cry. Not for myself or my lost love this time. I am crying for you buddy.

 

My friend, please stop doing this. Please stop what she will think about you. Accept that she is not interested in whatever you are doing now, or what will you do in the future. I guess that your job interviews are also affected by the way you are thinking now.

 

I know what you have experienced. I was exactly in the same situation with you. My girlfriend dumped me (later I learned that she has cheated on me before that) and started a new relation 3 days after she left me. Even that 3 days before the breakup she was telling me that I was the only one in her life. Exactly same as you, I was without a job, I was left without anything to do, without any future plan and was absolutely hopeless.

 

I know that this is too much for you. Same that it was too much for me.

But, at somewhere buddy, we have to say "stop" to it. Yes it is time to stop Mac.

 

STOP WHAT YOUR EX IS THINKING ABOUT THIS AND THAT.

 

Stop it and try to see the other open door on the other side. Yes when a door is closed, there is absolutely another open door waiting for you at the other end. But you have to look at it and you have to move towards it.

 

Please do it buddy. Our stories are quite same. That is why I am following your posts that close.

 

Now I have changed my city, found a new job and made a pretty damn good new home for myself. All I did for myself. I will leave here alone. Not with my ex. Alone with myself, until someone special shows up.

 

Come on and catch me Mac. I am waiting for you to manage it. I know you can do it. The thing is whether you want to do it or not.

[bear12]

day 2 round three DING! actually i feel like it's unfair that i have to start all over when HE was the one who broke the contact and i was the one who told him i'm not ready to talk yet... but anyway, rules are rules i guess!

 

i'm feeling pretty okay today. i don't know if i'm just feeling better b/c i did get to "talk" to him for a bit so i miss him less, or if it's because i feel more powerful now that there's been a bit of role reversal in that he wants something from me (friendship) that i'm not willing to give him. or just that i'm proud of myself for becoming less clingy and needy and staying strong. i still love him and miss him, but i guess i'm starting to realize that life without him isn't the end of the world.

[darkpumpkin]

Okay I've done great. N/C for three days. Really seeing things I didn't before. Good job me! lol

[papalazarou]

Mac I sent you a PM on this. At then of the day buddy its up to you. Do what will make YOU feel better.

 

Just remember she left you for another man. But as I said mate whether you send it or not is not going to change anything whatsoever...

[supercalifragilistic]

Day 14

 

Things are pretty much the same. I'm starting to miss him more. Or maybe just miss SOMEONE. But I think it's him really. I went on what I think was a date with this guy I actually like and who actually has the guts to ask someone out unlike my ex. But all I could really think about it that I wish it was my ex there. How pathetic. I like him and all, like I said, and it's really the first time someone I like actually likes me back just as much if not more. Plus, he's much better looking than my ex. But somehow that just doesn't seem to matter right now. With my ex I didn't like him until he started getting REALLY into me, and then I decided to just give it a shot because he seemed so nice. Heh. If only I knew how it would all end.

 

Anyways, I couldn't even believe he asked me to go to the movies with him because I thought he couldn't care less about me, but I guess he does, huh? Well, anyways, I just hope I get over my stupid ex because it's no fun to be thinking about something you can't have when you have something potentially much better right in front of you. I'm not enjoying too much these moments I'm having where I think I saw him in the middle of the street and my heart nearly skips a bit and I feel a mix of sadness, fear, pain and who knows what else. I guess I should just be glad it WASN'T him any of the times, specially when I thought it was him and another girl. Oh god, I think I'm going crazy.

[Tshwane]

Day 24 - i've the same "problem" as Mac, in four days it's my exe's birthday and i've been battling to decide if i should say something or not.

 

bottomline is she said she don't want me no more, worrying whether i should wish her happy bday is caring about her feelings not mine. This is something i shouldn't be doing, so Mac join me 'cuz i won't be speaking or texting her. Im sure she's got a lot of family and firends to wish her happy birthday.

 

I won't.