luvmykids Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Feeling a little better today...yesterday was just terrible. I felt really down and was so so close to breaking NC. I was really missing him and just wanted to hear the sound of his voice. But out of the blue the ex contacted me. About 7.15 last night he sent a text saying "I am feeling really sad today and I miss you. I am really wanting to be your friend, when do you think you will be ready to be my friend? xx" I am SOOOO glad that I didn't break NC!!! Of course I didn't answer it but it has put me back on track...x hang in there pisces, I broke NC on saturday due to the ex calling and showing up where I was at. still not sure how I feel about that..some regret. dont be his safety net. Link to comment
luvmykids Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Accidently saw the ex naked this morning.. I was mortified. So was she. *sigh* Just one more day until I may never see her again. Hey alltornup, How are you doing? have you told your boys yet? try and get that visual OUT of your head.... Link to comment
luvmykids Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 UPDATE: broke NC on saturday..spent most of sunday together.. I havent talked to him since sunday night after coming home from his place. dont plan to call..havent decided if Im going to answer when he calls or not. saturday was day 13 for me and im now at day 3 in starting over. not sure how I feel....just kind of numb. not upset or sad..It is what it is. Link to comment
Biffy Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 SuperDave, What things did you do to improve yourself in the wake of your break up? Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Hey alltornup, How are you doing? have you told your boys yet? try and get that visual OUT of your head.... I'm doing OK, thanks for asking I haven't told them yet. I decided to wait until we're out of town. I don't want to break down and cry in front of them or my ex.. Maybe I'm being selfish, but she doesn't really like them anyway.. Link to comment
Shaker Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Beginning of Day 6 The nights are still the most difficult. Last night as I was falling asleep, a few facts occurred to me: 1. Yesterday marks one month since the break-up 2. The longest in the last month I've gone NC is 10 days 3. A week ago, I was convinced I HAD to break NC--and now I'm convinced keeping it is the best thing for me. Why? Because when I find out anything about my ex (either through breaking NC, or accidentally) I am hurt. Ignorance really is bliss sometimes. But most of the time, I don't think about this stuff on the list. I've been getting back to work. I think about a trip I have coming up. Planning to throw a February party. That sort of thing. I guess I also realized that what I've done in the last month really amazes me. I've accomplished a lot during a difficult time, been (mostly) dignified, and independent. Do I think (like many of you) that my ex is/was my soulmate? Yes. Can I let go so easily? Not at all. My best friend says I'm the most tenacious person on the planet. And yet right now, for whatever reason, I'd rather hold on to something of myself.... Link to comment
Pisces_Princess Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Hi Luv, I am hanging on in there but I am struggling at the moment...How are you doing? Hi Shaker, I am tenacious too and I will hang on and hang on, but, there has to come a point where I let go...I just wish that would come soon. Yes, I did/do? believe he was my soul mate and for a while I think he thought I was his too...it's just so sad how two people who loved each other should come to this. And this is probably what all of you have thought at some point, but I really never thought that this would be us x Link to comment
krnelson2 Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Doing better today. I did not send her the message I was going to send yesterday. Thanks for the advice SuperDave. I am going to wait a couple days at least and see if I feel the same way. I really think i will end up sending it. But I will stay strong. I just really want some closure for both of us so I can move on. I want her to know that it confuses and hurts when she contacts me and that if she wants to get back together that she should call me and we can meet in person. no more facebook messages or texts, that is just too painful. So I am doing this for closure for myself. But who knows maybe in a couple days I will not even want to respond anymore. Today I am doing better than yesterday, but am thinking about her. Last night I went to a friends house and watched some hockey to get my mind off things. I had a nice long talk with my mom about whether to send this message or not. She thinks it might be a good idea just to let the ex know that I dont appreciate her contacting me right now while I am trying to heal. She is being so selfish right now. She wants to be with this other guy and still wants me in her life. What the ****!!! How can anyone actually think that would work, and how would that be fair to either of us? I am starting to see that my ex is really changing (and probably not for the best). She is going out the bars a lot more and becoming somewhat of a "wild child" I guess thats part of growing up, but its definitely not the girl I fell in love with 5 years ago. Link to comment
luvmykids Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Shaker, For what its worth I think you are doing great! dignified and independent are VERY possitive thought/emotions/actions! your on the right tract! keep up the good work Link to comment
Shaker Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Hi Pisces, I agree. It is really sad. It's hard to mourn for a loss that sometimes you can rationalize isn't gone at all; i.e.: we're both still kicking around, we both still care about each other, etc. I never expected this either. Sometimes, I still think he's making a mistake. Silly, I know. Link to comment
luvmykids Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Pisces, good to hear your hangign in there..im struggling also. I think I broke NC to see how I really felt about him. after a few days to think about everything said and done over this last weekend..i have regret. The regret stems from being intimate with him....I even told him it was a mistake. I told him I was mad at myself for letting it happen..... Link to comment
luvmykids Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 I'm doing OK, thanks for asking I haven't told them yet. I decided to wait until we're out of town. I don't want to break down and cry in front of them or my ex.. Maybe I'm being selfish, but she doesn't really like them anyway.. Your not being selfish! you are protecting your heart and your children. If she never really cared for the children then you owe her nothing as far as giving her a chance explain anything to them........im sure the kids know what is going on. Link to comment
luvmykids Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Try and have a good day all... i have to go. Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 But should they have the opportunity to say goodbye to her? She's been part of their lives for a year and a half.. Link to comment
TonyMar75 Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Hey, all. Been keeping up with everyone's progress and setbacks and it helps so much. Congrats to everyone, and a "hang in there" to all, too. I think I'm healing! Just had a brief, work-related conversation with the ex. She walked in the office and as usual my heart sank and my stomach knotted with longing. It's still that way, but it's less intense. I smiled and joked about the work stuff and about her Chick-fil-a habit (she was eating a sandwhich), but I kept it light and just tried to convey the mature, happy person that I know I am. And I tried to keep my eyes from betraying my longing. I wonder how much she sees through it... It's still so painful, though. About this soulmate thing: I had begun to think that we were, despite some differences and the age gap. But if we were soulmates, she wouldn't have dumped me, plain and simple. Or, she would initiate contact and ask to try again. I still hold on to some hope for that in spite of myself. It's tortuous to accept this reality, but it's happening, day by day. It will happen for all of us. Have a great day! Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 Good morning everyone, Zombiain asked a question above that I would like to address: He asked: What things did you do to improve yourself in the wake of your break up? Plain and simple, I read and wrote a journal. It was so theraputic to me. i wrote dowm my thoughts and feelings and why I felt I was feeling what I was at the moment. I wrote down things I wanted to say to her...so many things I wanted to say. No matter if it were only a paragraph, I wrote it down. Finally, I noticed a pattern was starting to develope. I re-read many things I wrote and I started looking at my feelings and even the tear marks that would fall from my chin as I wrote. The pattern was that I was looking at my OWN writing and told myself.."You have written over 300 pages of the same thing 300 different ways." I actually started smiling. The story that changed me was that I was downstairs late February 2005 in the afternoon. I had the TV on but I was only staring THROUGH it. It had low volume and I had no thoughts passing thru my head. Then...it hit me. I was NOT thinking of my ex...or anything else for that matter but it came accross me and hit me like a ton of bricks. I told myself NO MORE..I am DONE with THIS. I am DONE making MYSELF feel this way. I opened the blinds and sunlight poured over me. It felt warm and the light hurt my eyes but it proved ONE MAJOR THING. TIME STANDS STILL FOR NO ONE...THE DAY IS GOING TO COME WITH OR WITHOUT ME... At that very moment. I LET HER GO COMPLETELY and it FELT INCREDIBLE. I was not sad, I was not sorry, I was not worried about what she was doing. I let her go. When I let go, I SMILED SOOOO BIG! I ran upstairs and took a warm shower and got cleaned up. I called a friend of mine that I had talked to about my ex and said "Everything is going to be alright...I am going to be fine." I decided I was going out in publc and do whatever I wanted to do. I jumped in the car and crancked up the radio and sang and smiled the whole time. I had an amazing day. When it was over...I dropped to my knees at the end of my bed and thanked God for everything. I prayed for my ex and that she find happiness and love because I was going to be ok without her. I prayed that if I could have such and amazing day, that I would want to share it with those who need it more than I did. Most of all, I thanked God for letting me FIND ME again. I have NEVER looked back. I will NEVER, EVER, EVER go back to that way of feeling again! I made a promise to myself and I plan to keep that promise. I hope that I help those that need it and remember, I don't have the answers..I just try to give advice based on what I did. I want you all to know..YOU CAN DO THIS! If I can....YOU CAN!! Learning to let COMPLETELY go is the first step to feeling better. I wish you the best SuperDave71 Link to comment
TonyMar75 Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 As always, Dave, your words inspire. Thanks. I see that kind of day in my future. Someone mentioned that they "wish they could fast forward through this part of my life." No, no, no! Life is too short to want to fast forward, even through the painful times. Link to comment
Pisces_Princess Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 That's amazing SuperDave! How has your life worked out for you since then? Are you still single? Did you reconcile with your ex? Or did you meet somebody else? Link to comment
luvursmile Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 OK--Im joining in.... Day 20 of NC for me & "affair guy".... I know its the right thing to do...NC with him & fix my marriage.... It just hurts so bad. Its worse now than it was a week after I started NC! Link to comment
Biffy Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Learning to let COMPLETELY go is the first step to feeling better. That's the tough part though isn't it? It's something I'm trying to do, but there doesn't seem to be any advice that will help he understand HOW to do this. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 Zombiain, The way to let go of someone is to love yourself more than you love the other. How you do this is to make a decision in NOT ONLY your mind..the hardest is your heart. Please remember, letting go DOES NOT MEAN THROW AWAY. People are not trash and neither are the feelings you once had fro your ex. It's completely up to you. -SuperDave71 Link to comment
AllTornUp Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Dave, I'm still struggling with when to tell my kids about my ex moving out. Tonight would be the last chance to tell them before she moves out as we're leaving tomorrow. I am afraid I won't be able to keep it together and I don't want to cry in front of them or my ex. If I wait until we're safely out of town to tell them, they won't be able to say goodbye to her--she's been in their lives for a year and a half now. She asked on IM today if I had told them and I said not yet. That I was leaning towards telling them at my parents' house, but that I didn't want to rob them of their opportunity to say goodbye. She said "we could always have dinner when you get back or something". Of course that threw me for a loop. I am trying not to read anything into that.. Link to comment
luvmykids Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 But should they have the opportunity to say goodbye to her? She's been part of their lives for a year and a half.. yes, they should. Maybe wait until AFTER you, as the parent, has the chance to explain what happened....has she mentioned wanting to have that said opportunity? have to run for right now but will check back,okay? hang in there!!!! Link to comment
TonyMar75 Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Hello again, everybody. I just wanted to make a quick observation. I found this site and this thread because I was searching desperately for advice on how to get your ex back. Of course, as you know, that’s the subcategory that brought us together here on eNotAlone. But I’m realizing day by day – with the help of SuperDave and the rest of you -- that this is not about getting your ex back at all, it’s about getting YOURSELF back. It’s ironic that I came here looking for tips to win someone back and have found the ways to get my own life back, freed from the chains of “Why? What if? and When?” I imagine it works that way for so many of us, and again, it’s ironic. I’m still not free from those chains. I want my ex to call me and say we should try again. But I’ve at least realized that I’m chained, and that’s the first step to break the hold those chains have on me. Day 3 for me. Best wishes to all. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 Pisces, My life has been great since. I have a new job that I like and my outlook on life and relationship is completely changed based on my new found knowledge. As far as my ex, she CAME BACK. She proved to me that she loved me. Her actions backed up her words and we have talked about and compromised our differences. We have been more open, more relaxed and more pleasant. When something bothers me, I say it. When she is bothered..she tells me. We share things and thoughts with one another openly without the fear of being judged or criticized. We still have our ups and downs but we love one another just the same. Is it better the second time around? ONLY if you BOTH have learned your lessons from the FIRST go around. Your Friend, SuperDave71 Link to comment
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