THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[BrokenheartUK]

It makes me so upset that my ex KNOWS I'm hurt and doesn't even contact me to see how I'm doing. When I broke up with him and knew he was hurting, I used to call him every other day... But oh well, I guess my ex couldn't care less about how I feel.

 

It's worth remembering that at the moment, seeing him will also bring you more pain.

 

When I was really upset, confused and desperate one afternoon, I phoned my ex up and cried down the phone at her. She was sympathetic, told me that she was worried about me but that she was the one person who couldn't help me anymore.

 

She was right. The only people who can help us now are ourselves, stay strong.

[brazilgirl21]

it makes sense, but ugh, I can't really be rational right now. Me and my ex were best best friends though... you know? it's just weird to lose him as a man and as a friend...

 

oh well. staying strong!!

[LittleLost]

Oops.

 

So yesterday I started spiralling down. That question, "why?", was bothering me so much. I ended sending an e-mail asking her to think honestly about this for a while and tell me. I know, this is probably going to push her farther. But I don't care anymore about getting back that much... I just want my sanity back. I just want to be convinced this relationship had to end so that I can move on. I want her to explain me why she gave up. Maybe if I am convinced I can be her friend, like she wants, lol.

 

So this is day 1 of NC. I know that without the Valentines in the view, things will be easier. Hey I did 14 days of NC easily before the jewelry ads starting showing up on the screen. I'll probably keep the NC until she replies to that e-mail. Or until the June 12th (lover's day in brazil).

[looking4ward]

Day 2- kinda sucky, feeling a little better. Feel tons worse after I talk to him so I'll try and stay away.

 

-K

[brazilgirl21]

Littlelost - Are you from Brazil too?

 

Just to think about how on June 12th I blew my ex off in such an insensitive way... seriously, he wanted to have dinner... it must have been so hard for him to break his own personal NC and I was SO cold and didn't take him seriously. I had no idea he felt the way we all do now.

 

Ugh. Guilt tripping myself again. Stop feeling mad at him and start feeling mad at myself.

 

Oh Joy. This is such a good ride.

 

It's going to be 1 year since we broke up on Friday. For 6 months he wanted me back... for the other 6 I wanted him back... it's been a month since we tried again and he broke up with me without giving us a proper chance.

 

NC seems to be the way now, at the same time, ugh, I miss him.

[LittleLost]

Yep. We both are. But we are living abroad.

 

I'm hoping that by June 12th I won't be needing this site anymore. My birthday is June 6th. Last year we went to Boston on that weekend. I wonder what I'll do this year. I'll try to go to Cancun. Or Hawaii. Maybe a cruise...

[BrokenheartUK]

it makes sense, but ugh, I can't really be rational right now. Me and my ex were best best friends though... you know? it's just weird to lose him as a man and as a friend...

 

I understand, I really miss my ex not only as a lover but as a best friend too. We had so much in common and really made each other laugh, I miss the unique connection that we shared. Sometimes I wonder if she misses my friendship in the same way, but I really don't think she does.

 

God, I miss her smile

[and again]

day 23? back in work felt a lot better, going to try and get really fit now well again, and if and when i next bump int her hopefully i will be looking good and feeling good, and hopefully i can just smile and walk away. Still dont understand why she walked away and prob never will shame. 6 out of 10 though

[Ixtapa]

I wonder what he is doing....I wish I wouldnt think so much about him

[arghgirl]

Day 4.

 

It feels like it gets harder before it will get better. Today is really hard cuz i just want to say hi.

[Sev]

Day 6 in the no contact house (just need a geordie accent now!)

 

Hard day today, for some reason ive felt really down all day. I dont think it was intially to do with her, more to do with the fact i miss someone, well anyone to share what i used to be able to share.

 

I think the more i get into this, the more i realise i dont actually miss her as such (i do dont get me wrong) but i miss the intermacy you get with a relationship, being able to share things you dont usually share. I think thats whats eating at me. Its a little sad i know, but the little things seem to have more meening when you know someone else is experiencing them with you.

 

I think thats what NC is teaching me, I have to be able to enjoy life alone, if not i will always be too dependent on others to keep me afloat. Im a 27 year old guy, i should be able to keep myself happy.

 

Well the back end of today is alot better, i managed to fight passed the feelings and get back to a ok mental state (if thats the way to put it!).

 

I also think im finding myself again, but sometimes i remember who i was and dont much care to be that person again, i wasnt bad but i was just focused on going out all the time and doing things im passed caring about.

 

I think the thing is, i have known only 2 things. Going out with my mates and getting drunk at weekends, bascially living for them. Then i met her and settled down i think way too fast. Im shifting from 1st gear to 5th then back to first without teching myself the other gears in life. I thin the fact im recognising this meens i wont hopefully fall straight back to top gear of partying and hopefully try and ease myself into what i feel is a happy balance.

 

Im getting there slowly, i do miss the days withher and miss her like mad sometimes, she isnt always on my mind now which is good. I just hope i dont go off the rails too much whilst finding that middle ground.

 

Well i'll check in for day 7 tomorrow, sorry for any spelling or format etc i just type as i think it and no point formatting as it will be 10 pages back in 5 mins!

 

Peace

 

Sev/c

[brazilgirl21]

Guys, thanks for everyone who supported me through this.

 

My ex called me tonight and we had a final talk. It wasn't face-to-face, I KNOW he could not see me. He doesn't want to risk feeling anyhing, or giving any space for doubts. It was very very emotional, horrible, but in the end, liberating.

 

He said somethings that are the absolute truth:

 

-"The wounds are open, we need time to heal."

 

-"It wouldn't have worked out right now because it started for the wrong reasons, I was dating someone else, we weren't single and trying to reconcile for the right reasons"

 

-"I'm not calling, I won't be calling you, but it doesn't mean that I don't care. I swear that I care. However, if we keep doing this, if we keep talking I'm just going to go back to where I was, undecided, confused... and I cannot go through that again right now"

 

-"You are the strongest woman I've ever met, you will get through this, in 2-3 months we will sit and talk and laugh about this, but now, we can't be friends"

 

-"I was madly in love with you. I don't think I'll ever love anyone the way I love you. Right now, however, I like this other girl and I'm trying to make this work"

 

-"She hates you, by the way, the situation between us is much more confusing now. It's pretty bad. However, I will NEVER, EVER, not talk to you if I see you on the streets or NOT talk to you if you ever call"

 

 

It was SO intense and I was SO weak. At one point, I called him back saying that I was SO scared that I would become like my mother (she had depression) and I feel SO bad for telling him that because I know it must have worried him and made me look SO bad but I was really scared and he called and I was weak.

 

He texted me saying that the ONLY reason he knew it was better for us to stay apart is because he knows I'm strong and it's what's best for me and the most intelligent thing to do for us to STOP straining our relationship. He promised to invite me out for drink in 2months and that we would be the happy, funny, and drama free people as always and would laugh about all this.

 

After I got done crying, I told him to please not worry about me and that I would be 100% alright. I knew I would get over this and we would laugh about this mexican drama soon enough. I apologized for being such a burden, and that PROMISED him I would NOT contact him and asked him to not call or e-mail soon, but that I would love to speak to him in a couple of months from now. He said "Please count with me, sleep well".

 

I promise, promise, promise everyone that reads this post and has helped me that I am going to do NC and stick to it! For my love for him. For my love for what we have. For this incredibly special bond that we share.

 

My problem with the letter has always been this: it's not our time. It's not our time to get back together. It wouldn't have worked out. The wounds are too open for both of us.

 

I'm going to STOP feeling guilty and wondering what if, I am going to suffer, but I am going to get over it. Maybe, my weakness tonight have just made him fall even harder for this other girl, but I have to accept that it's not on my control anymore.

 

If we truly love eachother and are meant to be, it won't matter if I sobbed and said "I'm scared I'm going to fail and be like my mother", it won't matter if he stays with this girl for 3, 4, 6 months. If we are meant to be together, once the wounds heal, once we are truly apart for good, he is going to miss me and realize he loves me.

 

If not, it will have been a beautiful story and I will always have a very special friend.

 

Sorry for those I disapointed, thanks for those who listen, I'm GENUINELY, finally, ready for NC.

 

I'm finally really ready for the challenge =p

[Sunkist09]

Brazilgirl - stay strong. He's hurt. Give him time to miss you. I was in your boat. I kept breaking up with my ex until he finally said no more.

 

The exes just got to the point where we hurt them so much, they rather go find someone less attractive, less inteligent, less successful... but without the emotional baggagethat we placed on them. The new girl has a clean slate... and that's what guys want.

 

So if you want your ex back, step back and give him time to forget all the hurt and pain that we caused them. I think that's the best.

 

As for me, the NC is helping, it's like waves of pain, but it gets better... Thanks for sharing your story. It reminded me of my own sad story.

[philove]

I woke up at 4am after feeling like I had been asleep for days and I felt so restless. Thoughts of my ex entered my head and I ended up crying over her again (I thought I was getting over her!) but it wasn't just her I was thinking about I was thinking about "The one who got away". To cut a long story short when I was at university I kept on seeing this girl who I swore I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. The thing is I never did anything about it and to this very day I still kick myself over it because I know she liked me too and if I made a move with her who knows where I would be now (probably much happier)

 

Oh well I guess she wasn't part of my destiny but breaking up with my ex has taught me one lesson. Never again will I settle for anything less than what I can achieve. So from now on if I don't like a girl 100% i'm not gonna bother! I probably won't find anyone but at least I know I wouldn't be making a mistake.

 

Stay strong guys

[Ixtapa]

R.A.S (nothing worth mentioning)...

[longdist]

Day 20

I wanted to call her yesterday and apologize for my wrongs, but realized I've done this already and it is just words. It won't change her mind. I thought about telling her that I've accepted things, but then realized I haven't completely, and besides she wouldn't believe it. Then I thought about telling her about changes I'm making. It has only been 2 months since the breakup. How will she know that these changes will stick? Again actions would speak louder than words.

 

Cycles of extreme pain and acceptance are starting to happen. This is the first time where I've really felt acceptance. I know she made the right choice for our present relationship. I get the pain when something simple reminds me of her, which ends up being quite a few things.

 

The best part is that I've stopped dreaming of her. This was killing me before.

 

So the good thing is that I think I can make it to day 30 of this. However, by that point what shall be done? LC if I feel healed?

[BrokenheartUK]

Wow, this is me to a tee. I'm a 27 year old guy too (28 in March) and it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through this! I share your thoughts re: 'not missing her, just missing someone to share things with.' I DO of course miss her but it's the lack of physical contact, affection and sharing that's been the hardest transition to make.

 

I've actually really known only ONE thing for the past seven years and that is being in a relationship. I can't remember what it was like to be 20. I don't know how to be single. I've forgotten what it's like to just 'be me' and be alright with that. It's ironic really; when I was in my relationships I always longed for my freedom and now that it's finally here, I don't know what the hell to do!

 

The next few months to a year are going to be time off from relationships, for the 'me' time I never gave myself. A self-imposed period of singledom for me to get to know myself, have some experiences and learn to be alright on my own. Then in the future when my next relationship comes along (which I would love to be a reconciliation with my current ex), I will be 100% better as a person and ready to make a commitment to whoever she turns out to be. I'm planning holidays and weekends away on my own, getting back into exercise and making music and just trying to fill my life with the things I love doing.

 

Day 14 today, feeling okay. Had a dream about her last night but thankfully I can't remember what it was and I'm keeping busy. I started a journal a couple of days ago and it definitely helps.

[brazilgirl21]

Hey guys, I'm finally really devoted to this challenge. I'm feeling ok today, it still hurts, I still think some things my ex told me last night doesn't really make sense but all I know is that he does not want to be with me and this is it. I'm feeling really bad for being SO weak last night and showing such "neediness" (I didn't beg him back or anything, I simply cried and said I felt really weak, etc...) Have any of you guys initiated NC after a period of 1 month of NOT being able to stick to NC? I feel like there is a transition period, where we need answers, opening up, and then we are finally ready for NC. I feel like I'll always be weak in my ex's eyes now, so I'm looking for confort stories of people who WERE weak and cried to their exes but then were strong enough to effectively do NC.

[BrokenheartUK]

Have any of you guys initiated NC after a period of 1 month of NOT being able to stick to NC? I feel like there is a transition period, where we need answers, opening up, and then we are finally ready for NC. I feel like I'll always be weak in my ex's eyes now, so I'm looking for confort stories of people who WERE weak and cried to their exes but then were strong enough to effectively do NC.

 

This is where I'm at now, I spent all of January trying to get my ex back. I tried to reason, talk her into it, promise I would change, then when that didn't work I resorted to the crying, begging, and generally losing all self-respect. Surprisingly, none of it did any good Then one night I heard she had met a new guy and had started dating him, so I just thought "enough is enough" and went round for closure (as if the fact that she's with someone else isn't closure enough, right?).

 

I got my closure by literally going round her house and forcing her to tell me that it was over, that she didn't love me anymore. It killed me to hear those words and that she was with someone else, and I admit the next night I was weak and texted her all upset, telling her how much I miss and want her back etc.

 

Since that night, I've been in NC 15 days and I don't get the urge to call, text, email or IM her anymore. I deleted all means of getting in touch with her, she knows where I live if she ever wants to see me again and we share the same friends too.

 

It's been the hardest thing ever but I hope that I am proof that you can be the weakest you've ever been and then somehow find the strength inside to initiate and stick to NC. Good luck!

[brazilgirl21]

Broken - Thank you, well I feel better that at least I didn't show up at his house now. haha. I guess the whole "crying, acting desperate" is part of healing. I guess we need that before REALLY sticking to NC.

[JohnGalt]

Same here. I've been an adult, but I've really never been alone as an adult. I've always been with my ex. I've always been fiercely independent and incredibly successful, but now I have to start learning to do the things that normal adults know how to do...like pay bills on time, cook, etc. I see this as a growth period more than anything else...and in a weird way, I'm appreciative to have this time to be single.

 

NC is not working for me though. Or maybe it is. I haven't contacted her at all in over 2 weeks. I've blocked her from facebook and I've deactivated my own account. I still think about her all the time. I've accepted that it is over. My mind has accepted it, but not completely because I still have dreams where we are together. I still harbor hope that she'll come back.

 

My ex gave me so many mixed signals, I don't know what to think. "We'll be together in the future." "You should just move on." "The spark is gone." "I still feel butterflies when I see you." "I just wasn't happy anymore." "I'm not happy without you." "You'd never fight for me." "Why can't you just move on?" "You can win me back." "I don't know if there's anything you can do."

 

The only thing constant is that she said she wants space and time to be single to sort through her emotions and decide what she wants. So I'm giving her that. But NC doesn't make me miss her any less or think about her any less. It just keeps me from humiliating myself. I guess that's a win, though.

[BrokenheartUK]

Broken - Thank you, well I feel better that at least I didn't show up at his house now. haha. I guess the whole "crying, acting desperate" is part of healing. I guess we need that before REALLY sticking to NC.

 

I think we do, it's all part of the process I guess. My arc went as follows:

 

Breaking up with her > Being okay > Missing her > Asking for another chance > Being rejected > Her having doubts about her decision and almost getting back together with me > Me being rejected for good > Me "crying, begging, acting desperate etc." > Her meeting someone else > Me getting closure > Acceptance (the hardest stage) > NC

 

There's also 'sleepless nights', 'being prescribed Temazepam to be able to sleep' and 'therapy sessions' in there too somewhere...

 

 

[BrokenheartUK]

NC is not working for me though. Or maybe it is. I haven't contacted her at all in over 2 weeks. I've blocked her from facebook and I've deactivated my own account. I still think about her all the time. I've accepted that it is over. My mind has accepted it, but not completely because I still have dreams where we are together. I still harbor hope that she'll come back.

 

I'm exactly the same, John. It's like my head has accepted it's over, but my heart refuses to let that hope die completely.

 

My ex gave me so many mixed signals, I don't know what to think. "We'll be together in the future." "You should just move on." "The spark is gone." "I still feel butterflies when I see you." "I just wasn't happy anymore." "I'm not happy without you." "You'd never fight for me." "Why can't you just move on?" "You can win me back." "I don't know if there's anything you can do."

 

Again, parallels with my situation. When she told me she just wanted to be friends, she added the kicker "but you don't know what will happen in the future." She never actually said to me that we would never get back together or that she didn't love me anymore until I went round her house and MADE her say those words to me. The sheer fact that I had to drag those words out of her gave me false hope, as bizarre as that sounds. And you know what? Just before I left she said "you don't know what might happen in the future/it's all up to fate" again. ARG!!!

 

But NC doesn't make me miss her any less or think about her any less. It just keeps me from humiliating myself. I guess that's a win, though.

 

That's exactly what it does for me, which can only be a good thing. I'm not doing it to make her miss me (well, perhaps a bit!), it's for self-preservation. I know it's the only way I can heal and move on. If anything I miss her and think about her more now that she is just a memory.

[brazilgirl21]

Oh, thankfully I've been in therapy (in and out) since I was 16 (family full of psychologists and psychs, haha) so I have my weekly session in 1 hour! I was thinking of taking a break from it but now I need it more than ever. I think I can survive without the meds though. I have my anxiety one anways if things ever get too tough. I don't drink or do drugs AT ALL. It's basically me, my friends, family... I don't want anything to numb me. I'm also done with the self-pity. As much as it doesn't feel like it, I WILL be happy either alone, with someone else, or someday, back with my ex.

[longdist]

Yeah, I'm pretty much in the same boat. I spent a month trying to fix things, granted, I only contacted her maybe 3-4 times in that month. However, I'm sure I made myself look as pathetic as if I spoke to her throughout the month. So yeah, I think she probably has a bad view of me now before I went NC, but no matter what I said after that, it was only going to make things worse. So, it shouldn't stop you from going NC.

 

Your breakups sound pretty similar to mine. At first she gave me hope. Then she would tell me that she completely isn't in love with me anymore. Then she would tell me that she doesn't know what the future holds, etc... I think these mixed signals are the confusion people get after a breakup. I think NC will eventually help. I'm starting to accept things more often during my day now. I still get moments of pain, but it seems like things are getting better and I'm on day 20 of NC.