THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[StillSmiling]

Well, I TOTALLY blew NC, after 36 days. And I'm uncertain how I feel about it.

 

Yesterday afternoon he popped up on my buddy list, after he removed me weeks ago. I crumbled and IMd him, but just said "Hey Stranger". No reply and he logged off right after. So then I felt stupid.

 

So last night I wrote him a short note saying sorry about the IM, but that I was just surprised he had put me back on his list so we can see each other online. That I suppose both of us are wondering how each other is doing. Told him I had not called, because I really wasn't sure if it was OK, and that I would again respect his privacy.

 

So I pick up his email back this morning. Basically says don't be sorry. That he never got the IM, and yes, he was wondering how I was doing. And "you can call me anytime; I thought I had made that clear".

 

And a few notes on what he's been up to with work stuff. And ends it with 'How about you?"

 

So the door is open again. I am 99.99% certain I have been totally friendzoned and a bit uncertain on what to do next.

 

Maybe this is the next step in getting it over with? Am I able to talk to him without bringing up the relationship? Do I need one more final kick in the teeth to move on?

 

I've felt so much in limbo these past few weeks. Being pretty certain he is not involved as he is still on the dating sites and active. Him thinking that I HAVE gotten involved, but really am not. I know that is why he has not made contact. Wondering if he ever thinks he may have made a mistake (doubt it).

 

I know he is not intentionally messing with my head. Is it just going back to him trying to sooth his guilt over hurting me? Is he really ready to try having a friendship, or am I just a "fix" he needs?

 

What a mess of emotions again. I want so badly to see him and talk to him, but I have no idea how I will feel coming out of it. I still teared up a few days ago as I moved some of his pictures. Or will I now be able to look at him, now with more clarity, and be able to say to myself: Nope. It's not the right person.

 

I leave tomorrow for 6 days to be out of town for my birthday on Saturday. A plan I made because I didn't want to sit around and feel sad that the plans we had made aren't happening. Perhaps just a short, happy note back to him and let things lay until I get back from holiday.

 

Something has to get me unstuck from this place ...

[StillSmiling]

 

Is this breaking contact?

 

I don't feel it is. As long as it really was unintentional.

 

Hopefully, he will know that and not try to contact you back.

 

Wish I felt as strong as you right now ...

[ccali78]

Well stillsmiling. I honestly do not have to worry about him contacting me back.. He is not so that is a great thing. It was truly unintentional. You can go back in after you see the email to follow your progress and it says who read it. I like to know to see if the email went through and that is when his name stuck out as if it were highlighted. LOL!!

 

But the good thing is I am ok now. I need to not worry if he thinks I was contacting him. It is nothing personal. Does not address what he is doing in his life and maybe he will not be cheap and make a donation

[yankeefan74]

Day 27. I also want to start reading that book, Catch 22 everyone's been raving about on this board... or at least comparing their situation too...

 

I had to read it in college. we also watched the film.

 

It's a lot of fun. Some people in my class didn't like it as it takes some concentration...but it cracked me up. It's definitely deserving of its reputation.

[yankeefan74]

Something has to get me unstuck from this place ...

 

You're doing better than you think. You'll have a great time on your trip, and you'll come home feeling better than ever.

[Steve 7745]

Day 27.5

 

Wrote a post poking fun at some of my old dates. Somehow, looking back... it could always be worse.

[PrettyGood]

I don't understand myself. I'm gemini. And also feeling as 2 persons in 1. I'm ALWAYS angry on myself and ALWAYS forcing me NOT TO CONTACT HIM!

 

I'm so sad and also angry on myself. Everyday I'm explaining myself million/billion of times that I SHOULD NOT THINK ABOUT HIM, I SHOULD NOT CONTACT HIM, I SHOULD FIND ANY OTHER ACTIVITY INSTEAD OF THINKING ABOUT HIM.

 

And what? NOTHING. Maybe I'm too silly to listen to myself? Seems that my inside doesn't want to believe and rejects every mind to leave him and to forget him.

 

I didn't write him today. He also didn't write me. But it's too hard NOT to do it, because NO-ONE can stop me of doing it. And I'm so tired to fight with myself DAY AFTER DAY. I'm the worst enemy No. 1 for myself.

[ccali78]

Still on Day 2. I hate that we have the same friends... I mean friends that were mutual friends long before we met. All my best friends know him and are friends with him and i have talked to them about everything for support and find all they all knew and did not want to hurt me fine.

 

But why while I am sitting there telling you we are working things out do you not say just move on instead of listening to me cry. I feel betrayed by everyone.

[lkonohalanbu]

the pain is going away, i feel happier and relieved finally it's starting to subside

 

i'm excited for music class and the gym today

 

will report back here if i feel weak or just want to give an update!

[Steve 7745]

Day27.7

 

Feeling urge to contact ex. It's a feeling, a craving that will pass if you just wait it out. Like a drug, withdrawal of Oxytocin. Primarily found in women, but men undoubtedly have it in their system as well, just as a woman has trace amounts (very, very tiny amounts) of testosterone.

 

If you try to talk to an ex right now, you're letting them hurt you again. Anything from ignoring you to snubbing you with insults and comments, you've let them hurt you. I thought about what I did after she broke up with me.. and I realized she was probably confused. I took pictures of a party I threw and put them on Facebook after we stopped seeing each other. Man, I may have lost a relationship a few weeks before, but I sure as hell looked HAPPY! The last time I called, I acted normal, chill. Finally, I went totally NC and deleted the Facebook connection, which caught her off guard and made her send an email in response to it.

 

Perhaps that's why she's been seeming so irritable on those rare times that I look at her profiles and so on. It's like everytime I check, she's getting more annoyed and frustrated, bitter even.

 

In fact, the more and more I think about it, the more I feel bad. For her! It's not like I wanted her to be upset, I want her to be happy. I wanted to BE the guy who made her happy. If I ever see her again, after getting over her, I know exactly what I'll say to her....

 

(We're chatting along...)

Me: "So my fiance and I are going skiing this winter..." (Continue on as though nothing occurred when she gives me the absolute shocked look.)

 

I'd wait a few minutes, fighting the smile on my face until I finally crack up and tell them I was joking. Okay, that's mean. But you'll know for certain if they want you back or not based on their reaction, their body language.

 

They DESERVED a good tease. A poke in the ribs that would give away what they're feeling. And maybe spark just a tiny bit of jealousy to make them wake up to what they would feel like if you weren't available.

 

Dumpers usually think they don't have to do ANYTHING when a relationship ends, so they don't mourn or grieve. They just walk away into the sunset with pain they don't even realize they have. It's the dumpees who get over a person. The ball is usually in the dumpee's court.

[StillSmiling]

You're doing better than you think. You'll have a great time on your trip, and you'll come home feeling better than ever.

 

 

Yes, I suppose so. Thanks.

 

I wrote him back a note just telling him about my work. Also explained that *I* had not called him, because I felt that was how he wanted it since he never had tried to reach me.

 

Then .... asked him if he wanted to go out for a martini sometime. And that I was leaving tomorrow for the holiday weekend.

 

I can see he read it about 5 hours ago, no response, but that is normal that he would wait to write anything until late tonight after his gig.

 

I just re-read all of my posts on this thread, which started at Day 4 of NC. And I wonder what I am setting myself up for again.

 

I don't really feel hopeful or sad; a bit axnious on how he will respond. Thankfully, I will not see him before I am able to escape on holiday for 6 days.

 

Set back ... or more closure. Just don't know ....

[ccali78]

Day 2.5 This is hard. I do not get it I do not want him back, but I want him to chase me so I can have the last laugh. I know revenge. I will get over it and I need to stay strong. So please everyone help me...

[StillSmiling]

Day 2.5 This is hard. I do not get it I do not want him back, but I want him to chase me so I can have the last laugh. I know revenge. I will get over it and I need to stay strong. So please everyone help me...

 

 

ccali, i wanted him to hurt to.

 

I think you have great support here. I too can tell myself it is all wrong for it to ever go back again, but it does not stop the "missing" in the early stages of the game.

 

I also wanted to hurt him back at times. Wanted him to chase just so I could be the one to shut it down. But, in the long run, it doesn't matter. What matter is we heal ourselves and find out our part in the failure of it all and learn from it. And be ready when the time comes again ...

 

You have such cute pics. Be careful here.

[KaylaJoy]

just said "hey stranger" .. And he signed off without an answer.

 

Dave, i have been honest with you what he "thinks" is really up, so i doubt he will make the 1st move *sigh*

 

this so sucks!

 

(((((hugs)))))

[KaylaJoy]

Joined on to Facebook tonight, because I have several friends that have pages, and they had encouraged me too. It asked me if I wanted them to search my email address list for Facebook friends, and guess who has a Facebook account? Yep...Mark....he actually has his picture on it, which is unusual because he almost never will post his picture on MySpace. So of course i sent him a friend request (I can't snoop his profile without being on his friend's list!!)...

It's all a little bittersweet....I'm doing OK, but I still miss him, and though I believe this must surely be God's will, why is there still a little bitterness towards him (Mark)??...i still feel that sense of abandonment; don't know why.

 

It all feels a little weird now. If he does add me to his Facebook, I don't think I'm going to email him or message him, unless he does me first. I still believe NC is the way to go right now. Apparently he does too! :sad:

[PrettyGood]

Day 7

 

Yesterday night I made a huge mistake. I drank some cure from nerves and stress and tried to watch a movie. But my chosen movie was about love, so I began thinking about him, pressed "Pause" and wrote him by Skype.

 

I don't know why I'm breaking this NC contract so often, but yesterday I felt sure 100% that if I talk to him honestly (VERY honestly), he WILL return to me or not at all in the future. So I told him everything what I feel for him, that I'm very sad without him, that I love him, need him, that I can lay my head for him if he needs. And that he can ask me ANYTHING just for returning to me again. I even used words such as " I pray for you, please return to me and be my boyfriend. I need you so much and I feel so hard that you even can't imagine".

 

Well I wrote him a lot of minds and he told me twice: " I still need time to think, can I give you another chance to disappoint me". I swear him a lot that I will not let him to feel any hurt and I will try for him as hard as possible to make him and me happy together. But seems he became angry on me and wrote me: " STOP! I don't wanna to hear your hysteric emotions anymore. You're making everything worse!!"

 

So I wrote him a last sentence: " God, I still can't understand, how can I make everything worse if I want to make both of us happy?!". He replied: " It's not so easy for me as you can imagine". Then I disconnected. It was about 2a.m. at night, I cried a lot and then felt asleep.

 

All the night I tried to explain myself that he tries to brake any connections with me, and how can't I understand this? So today I will try to search for a new boyfriend, because it seems I'm gonna crazy step by step. I don't recognize myself as normal person. I became some kind of paranoiac and schizophrenic.

[DavidWRosario]

Hi KJ,

 

Long time no talk, Be strong. Joined Facebook myself at the request of a old HS friend that found me on Classmates. It seems like to me God put me in contact with my life before deb just to show me I was someone who had a life before. I have a short list of really good friends, helps me get through. A real close friend on the West coast has been inspirational.

 

Pray ask to guidance. You know He cries with you. Had a wild thing happen last night was working late, heading home about midnight. Stopped at a Wendy's - was starving, out of nowhere this guy shows up lost. Asked for some help telling me his Dad had a heart Attack and that he had left everything at home when the emergency happened and now was trying to get home and out of gas.

 

I usually dont go for that, but looking in his eyes and that small voice told me this was real. Bought two dinners, 20 in fuel and talked for a while. He actually asked me to pray for him and his Dad. I never witnessed or said anything. Had been listening to a teaching from Church on Sunday about having peace from God. Decided he needed the CD more than I did so I gave it to him.

 

Amazing thing I have been praying to God what to do now. He keeps telling me "you know". I guess I do.

 

Peace

 

Dave.

 

If you would like to hear the teaching, it is at, link removed under media. This Sunday Romans Chapter 5

[DavidWRosario]

Thank you, I knew that there are several stages, so I think I'm in 4th. I'm waiting that last stage so much. Because now I don't think anything as how I hate him. Well I think I need to find some new activity... The college years will continue soon, so I will think about business and studies more. Thanks God...

 

your welcome,

 

keep in mind - depending how long the relationship was and how deep you fell, you can complete the stage then bounce around them for a while. My relationship was 20 yrs and i hit acceptance a while ago. but been bouncing all 5 stages for a month or two.

 

How long were you guys together ?

 

Dave

[DavidWRosario]

Day 9

 

feeling pretty good. That burning pain in my chest is gone. I look at my ex now and just have pity. Can't believe she threw away what she did. She is so bitter and angry, wish I could help. I look at her and think I loved her so much at one time, wonder if I will ever love like that again. Right now dont think so.

 

It is kinda funny. a friend told me she now sleeps in the middle of the bed again. Thought that was really odd. I know what she means now. I have been sleeping in the middle of the bed for a week. Not sure if I can ever move to one side again. Ha

 

21 days to go, I am gonna make it this time.

[ccali78]

Day 3 Here and feeling ok..

[StillSmiling]

Day 0

 

I have no clue what I am doing or even feeling right now. Three emails and a phone call message from him .. is that breaking NC? LOL

 

After our few "how you doing?" emails back and forth, without either of us really saying much about how we were feeling, he called last night.

 

I had gone to bed early so didn't answer, and he left me a message.

 

Said he was going to send me something for my birthday, but that I will be out of town. "Oh well". I knew he would remember it coming upon Saturday. So bitter sweet, and I wonder what it would have been.

 

Told me to call him back and said "I could talk to you". So, the door is open and I have no idea what is on the other side, although I remain pretty certain it is a "friendship". He sounded cautious in that statement and I suspect it is because he believes I have moved on. Or when I asked him out for a martini that he is afraid I am heading back down that path of trying to get him back again.

 

I want so badly and I pray for, my love for him to have evolved to loving him as a person that was once such a special part of my life, not the intense, crazy romantic love it had been for almost a year. I want to be able to look at him with different eyes now, and I'm not certain I can. I pray for light and love for him and pray that I can wish him happiness in his life without me.

 

I started reading "Starting Over" by Grey, and while I am not a big Gray fan, he has some very interesting points he makes. Things about romantic love verses true deep love, and that "high" we come off of when the honeymoon period is over. Average time is 2 years he says ... I don't think we could have ever kept on going after that period was over.

 

I wonder now if I was (am) in love, with being in love. All SO romantic and intense and all blue skies and lollipops. None of the mundane real life stuff that would have to enter the picture once that honeymoon is over with. We have so many very different core values that conflict. A major one being his lack of any spirituality, while my God and Universe are very important to me.

 

I leave in a few hours for my Vegas trip and worry about calling him back and if it will send me into another tailspin. If only I can keep the conversation light and not discuss "us" and what is now in the past.

 

Jumbled up inside and trying so hard to sort it all out in what I really want, what I really know it to be, what we are capable of in being friends, or not being able to see or talk to each other at all for now.

 

I suppose only time will tell. It's quite scary testing these waters after 3 months have passed and over a month since I last heard his voice.

 

Dave: You WILL make it this time. I hear it in you that you are gaining strength every day, and also getting some of the clarity we all need. I too wonder (and worry) if I will ever feel such a love again. I think it is something most of us worry about here ... even at some some young and tender ages.

 

He2: Also had the feelings of needing to do that "jab". Don't do it, ever. I did it and now really regret it. I thought it would make me feel better, but in the long run I regret it now. We once, or still do love them. We should be stronger and more gentle in not wanting to strike out with a blow at them. I know, easier said than done.

 

KaylaJoy: Thanks so the much needed hugs. You are sounding so much better and stronger. Just be careful about the Facebook thing. For other friends great ... to look at him, well, you could be setting your self up for things you are not going to want to see or know just yet. I know because I snooped too at one point. And when I read about his invite of some babe coming to his house and he was making dinner for her, it crushed me. Those were MY memories, and a table he shared with me, and suspect a bed he shared with me. Be careful please.

 

Well, wish me luck in returning the phone call and not falling apart, and wish me luck in Vegas! =)

[PrettyGood]

How long were you guys together ?

Dave

 

Well we were 2,5 years. I think I should pass the same period to heal and not to react spontaneously.

[Trei1972]

Or is this day 1 again? I gave in to the temptation to look on myspace and see their wedding pics. It was excruciating. But after all day of feeling sick, I finally started to feel better about it last night. For several reasons. First of all, I'm pretty sure she is pregnant, from the way the wedding poses were, like they were really trying to hide it. (no standing poses, only seated with the dress all fluffed up and a huge boquet in front of her belly) So maybe this is a trying to do the right thing wedding, instead of a "i found the love of my life, and you weren't her" thing. Also, my ex is REALLY showing his age. His hair was just starting to thin when we were together. Now he's went almost totally bald on top, and almost completely grey. Must have been a stressful few months! They have both also gained a lot of weight. Me on the other hand, being on the famous infidelity diet, have lost about 30lbs! And with no vehicle for 6 months now, I get a lot of exercise. I ride my bike everywhere, with my two youngest ones in a cart that I tow behind. In fact, he commented on how great I look, last time I saw him. Which was bittersweet of course. But seeing how flabby his young girlfriend has gotten, I can really see why he would notice! She had like 3 chins and flab spilling out over the top of the strapless wedding dress! What did really hurt, was that the wedding was very lavish. While the kids and I do without!! But the courts are working on it, and hopefully very soon, he will be forced to start providing for us instead of spending all his money on her.

 

I am still determined not to call him about anything. And when he does call eventually about the kids or whatever, I may just be too busy to answer. I am trying to arrange for someone else to meet him for the exchange, other than me, when that time comes. The older kids want nothing to do with him, but the two little ones at least. But he only makes an effort to see them every month or so anyways. But I know I don't want to see him and that wedding ring on his hand.

 

Anyways.. day 3.. whew..

[Steve 7745]

Day 28.

 

Yesterday, I began to question our morality. I was brought up atheist, no belief in god whatsoever and no time in church. No chance to develop our morals. Some people say that faith, god and morals are all separate things that have no correlation to one another.

 

I guess the whole debate started in my mind years ago, but it was the post by Comeback_Kid made when he found out his girlfriend had a threesome a few months back, and whether or not this girl was girlfriend material that brings this up now.

 

I began to wonder why people never asked themselves why morals exist in the first place? We were just so eager to get something that we never stopped to think if there were any consequences for our actions? Just because something is consentual and seems safe doesn't mean it's okay. All too often the things we think are safe turn out not to be. We may be spared physical harm for our actions, but emotional harm can come of it.

 

When you justify one action, how far away are we from justifying another? I grew up in a generation where homosexuality was acceptable. My best friend from Webelos told me he was gay a few years ago. I laughed and said, "You know, I think I knew before you did."

 

Just had that feeling.

 

Homosexuality isn't a sin or bad or immoral. But then my other (female) friend told me something yesterday, something downright crazy I had trouble accepting it. Like many of us, she had trouble with her significant other. Her boyfriend cheated on her, and had been in threesomes and while he swore he loved her and couldn't be without her, he also could not stop himself. He kept sarging after women left and right with his pick up buddies.

 

My friend told me that some people keep going after women so long and becoming so oversexed, that they begin to flirt with other men. That after a while, the sheer need for sex begins to overpower original sexual oriented identity. That they become homosexual because it's simply that much easier to get laid. I scoffed at this, but then she told me that this pick up buddies were now pressing her ex BF to go to gay clubs.

 

The process felt unnatural. If a person is gay, then they're gay. But it felt as though a straight man's addiction for feeding his sexual appetite led him into something he was not before. This man drew the line and then fed his desire until it let him into something he wasn't originally. Or perhaps never was to begin with, but his need for sex made him anyway.

 

How far is this going to go? How far down does this abyss reach? How much further until we start bending the rules, saying that girls as young as 16 are okay? 15? 12? What about incest? If both parties are willing and it is safe thanks to contraceptives, why not let a brother and sister go at it?

 

And old excuse for all of this is, "If everyone else is doing it, why not me?" And the old reply was, "If everyone else was jumping off a cliff, would you?"

 

By the end of it, I came up with a decision, and acceptance of my actions. People say no one should judge one another. I say we must judge others. I say we must be willing to stand up to what we perceive as right and wrong. Believing every pity case and explaination only enables the problem makers. You can murder anyone as long as you can justify it in court.

 

How far down does the pit go? I choose ignorance. I choose to accept not wanting to know. I choose not to find out the exact reasons why morals came into existence in the first place. I've met people who have been to the bottom and fought and struggled to come back up. And I take their words as warning not to follow in their footsteps.

 

It's hard. It is. You stare in the face of what you think you want, and morality means nothing. "There is no god! Why should I obey his rules? Why should I obey social norms? This is what I want, what they want, and damn the consequences!" I've heard it all before. And I haven't any pity left for those who swear by those words.

 

P.S. This is hard to write. People on these boards say I'm pretty good with words. But I feel like everytime I try to explain why morality matters, I feel like my words come up short or my examples are too weak or people cling to, "Just because that happened doesn't prove that this isn't okay!" I try so hard to explain it, but what I feel about it is built off of 25 years of learning of its existence that trying to explain it is just.... mystifying. I feel like this post is just another failure, ranting about something that people will not understand or grasp. Perhaps wisdom cannot exist in words.

[yankeefan74]

I'm permanently on day zero given the circumstances, but it is definitely LC.

 

However, i got the "maybe we can get a drink" comment today...

 

ugh.