Steve 7745 Posted August 19, 2008 Share Posted August 19, 2008 Day 18.5I have a question. My ex met a friend of mine through my introduction. I've noticed she's been acting somewhat buddy-buddy with her the last month, since I went NC and removed my ex. Even my friend mentions this to me (I've her loyalty). Does anyone else get this too? Where your ex suddenly really starts hitting it off with your mutual friends? Link to comment
StillSmiling Posted August 19, 2008 Share Posted August 19, 2008 Day 18.5I have a question. My ex met a friend of mine through my introduction. I've noticed she's been acting somewhat buddy-buddy with her the last month, since I went NC and removed my ex. Even my friend mentions this to me (I've her loyalty). Does anyone else get this too? Where your ex suddenly really starts hitting it off with your mutual friends? Yep. Cept I was the one doing it, and I'm not even sure why. Did not really get buddy-buddy with his friends, but I sure found a few excuses to have contact with his friends right after we broke up. Guess I was trying to figure out where his head was at? Or perhaps also present "my side" of the story? Not sure. But I did it. And thankfully have stopped. Link to comment
The Mad Pagan Posted August 19, 2008 Share Posted August 19, 2008 I didn't get buddy buddy with his friends, nor he with mine. I'm glad for that. You know, though, something magical has been happening since I saw his profile posted yesterday. I can now feel myself not caring anymore! Yes, really... I got my closure a month ago, but that removed all shreds of hope, however small, that were, as so eloquently stated by StillSmiling, tickling the back of my mind (thanks) I'm actually excited about being single and doing my thing. Rawk! Link to comment
KaylaJoy Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 Yikes, Dave R! Man, I'm sorry for that big hurt! That stinks! Hang in there, keep posting! We're listening! Day 5 for me. I'm still amazed, don't think I will ever get it, that he's seemed to have backed out of even wanting to be friends like he said just a few weeks ago. I must scare the heck out of him, to make him stay this far away. And yet, I keep reminding myself there is a reason for all this. God knows, and I'm thankful for His Higher Ways. Link to comment
DavidWRosario Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 Day 1 over Didn't think about the relationship today. I get these odd days where work is the priority. There good. I wish I could stop trying to figure out what I did wrong and just dump the blame where it belongs- on her. I am not really bitter, just wish she didnt waste 20 years of my life. I guess I should not blame her for that and accept that one. So when and how do all you people start over ? I mean really dave Link to comment
Hopelives Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 Day 31ish - maybe 32... My birthday was on Sunday, ripe age of 44... It was great for the most part - spent it in Vegas where I could not possibly find time or silence to feel badly... it was the perfect place for me to go... And while I did not expect to get a phone call or an email... that "hope" was slightly sitting in the back of my head and yet I knew, if he had, it'd have been too soon; nothing in his life would be changed yet... At Cher that night, there was one song, where for about a minute, my eyes watered, my throat tightened and I thought how awful it was that I was there alone... Damn, I miss him - I hope he misses me too... Day 32 and counting... Link to comment
DavidWRosario Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 Day 2 Up early today- Got to take my son to 1st day of school. He is a 5th grader today. How fast he grows. Might be a rough day. Use to take the kids to the first day of school then go to breakfast and talk about how much they have grown. Guess I am going by myself today. I know I ranted the other day. I was just mad at the situation, was kinda nice to have a different emotion than crying. I am really getting tired of the tears. I think I have cried more over this, than I did as a child. MP and Stillsmiling - congradulations, you made the 30 days. So now, let me ask you both. What is different ? What is the prize ? Me I have started again for the third or fourth time. I wonder if it takes 1 month of NC for every year together. If thats true, I only have to start this about 24 more times - aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh. KJ - what happen darlin - you start again too. I am sorry. I wonder if there is a website for ex's that have dumped and moved on. Guess I need to Google that. Would love to read some of those post. gg - hope your ok - you disappeared like I did. Havent gotten that tattoo yet. not even done anything with my bucket list. dave Link to comment
Steve 7745 Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 Day 19. It's been a real crash week. I've tried getting up early to work out, but then just collapse back to sleep. Feel as though I've been out looking for a fight too. Meh, I'm not doing anything today. Link to comment
Steve 7745 Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 Hang in there! Thanks. Maybe a do-nothing weekend is just what I need. Link to comment
Ixtapa Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 Well, we were not even officially bf and gf but I had such high hopes we would make it. Unfortunately for me, this guy has been hot and cold right from the start and I even though I hoped the situation would change, it has not. He keeps playing cat and mouse with me...one day I feel like Im so important to him and he likes me so very much....the next day it's like we barely know each other. I kept analysing his behavior, trying to understand, making excuses for him, etc. Now Im just finally realising he doesnt truly care about me. If he did he would not treat me like a "thing" he can take and throw away depending on his mood. So...this is NC Day 1 for me...coz this guy is keeping me from meeting someone else as I'm still hooked on him. Most difficult thing for me is not to go and check his Facebook (evil thing). I just want to be myself again and stop thinking about some guy who doesnt deserve my care.... Link to comment
StillSmiling Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 Day 30 Well Mad Pagen, we did it. Really didn't think it was possible, and there certainly were days that I almost had to flush my cell phone down the toilet to keep from calling him. 3 months and 2 days since he walked out. 53 days since I last saw him. 30 days since I last heard his voice. What is different? I suppose mostly the clarity that continues to come with time. Things I wasn't able to see through the intense pain and continue to try and understand more completely. I can now see clearly that as much as I love him and as much as I wish we could be together, it simply was not right. Truth be told, I would have hung on much longer, and perhaps even let him move into my house. I have never been loved like that before; so intensely "wanted" by someone and it became quite addicting. But the magic of it would have faded with time and reality would have set in and then I would have been the one to have to end it. It was simply too fast and too perfect. And if it looks too good to be true, it probably is. I will forever maintain my personal rule of 12 months before I ever make a serious move in a relationship. Another difference is the tears. I cried so much those first few weeks I truly thought I was having a nervous breakdown. As the time passed and we had contact a few times trying to be "friends", it would all wash back over me again. Slowly, this past 30 days, there are less tears. I continue to "clean my space" of anything that triggers his memory, and while it certainly doesn't stop the thoughts, it helps. Up until about a week ago, I would still have a few real crying jags ... now it has become more of a small welling up from time to time. Such as now as I am typing. I almost WANTED to cry yesterday, but the tears just would not come. Thankfully. I also am now able to clearly know that it was NOT all my fault. Yes, I take blame in it, but I no longer feel the intense guilt he laid down on me. I take blame in talking myself into a relationship with "well, no one is perfect" instead of listening to my gut and stopping it before it became so intense. I let him break me down so far by letting him put the blame on me, that I had no self-esteem left in any inch of my body. I no longer feel that now and with the time of healing I am able to begin accepting myself again as a good person. I have much to offer, I have learned much from this experience and I know I will be a good partner for the right man when the time is right. And I am learning to forgive him. I hated him that day he walked out. I felt that all of the love he had professed was lies if he could just throw it away to easily. Then my hate turned to simple intense pain and trying to accept that he was certain he didn't want "us". I questioned myself over and over again and would feel such anger at what he did. I hated that he took almost a year from me. I hated him that he was so strong and was able to not contact me, while I was continuing to die a small death daily. Now I am able to see the roles we both played in all of this mess. That I was not just a toy to him, that his feelings were genuine, that he is simply a very sensitive man, a man with abandonment issues, and we are a poor match. I forgive him for ending it because it really was the best for both of us. I was finally able to take down my list from above my desk of "the reasons why it was not right". I don't have to remind myself anymore of the reasons, they are now in my heart. I forgive him for hurting me and I thank him that he was able to be the strong one. I still think about him every day and every hour, more than once. It still hurts beyond belief, but I am learning to accept it now. At times I still wish for it back, but what I wish for really wasn't what I thought it was. Sad, but so true. So I am able to push him from my mind a bit easier now after 30 days. I don't know if I will ever be able to be his friend. For now, it is still too painful to see him or hear his voice, and I fear I would be blinded again. So I will continue NC. Funny, he wrote me a few weeks after he left that he could not see me because I was " a seductive creature" and that he could not trust his heart. Now I understand. As I have said before, when I can take that memory box down, look at the contents and not feel this pain, is the time I will perhaps test the waters on being friends. I am far from there, but so much closer than I was at Day 1. Kayla: Be grateful he does not want to be friends right now. It simply does not work this early in the healing process. God knows I tried, and all I did was hurt myself more and give him the "fix" that he needed. Clarity creeps in slowly as you maintain NC. Hugs. Hopelives: My birthday is a week from Saturday and I am also going to Vegas. I need the distraction and it sounds like it may have been a good choice. I still wonder and worry if he will contact me to wish me a happy birthday. We are at about the same point in NC. Hang in there. Dave: Starting over? I think we have already begun. You, like I, have gone from having one foot in and one foot out the door to now just having barely a foot stuck in the crack. Each move they make; reject us again with words or remove us from buddy lists, or the such ... the door closes further. We're already different people and now need to remove the foot all together, turn around, and walk the other direction. Without the regrets of lost time. Try to hold on to the good parts that once were but needed to end. I hear you and feel for you. thedoggirl: Yes, the head tug of war is cruel. I think something we all are having. The first couple of weeks is the toughest. Know it does get easier. And I would NOT go on that trip with him if you can avoid it. Even a month from now is too soon to see someone you still harbor feelings for. Trust me ... did that. Came home in a crash and burn of tears for days again. Again, I am thankful for the words of wisdom and support here. I'm not certain I would be starting to see the light of day if I did not have this place to come and type and cry and read the stories of what all of us are going through. It has helped knowing I am not alone. Thank you. We all will survive this ... Link to comment
xRoh Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 I am in this exact same situation! I've just had enough of my on/off boyfriend/ex/whatever. He'd start arguments over stupid things and make me feel absolutely rotten. I wouldn't see him for up to nearly a week then he'd come back whenever he felt like it, we'd be back to normal again but it is just a vicious cycle. He's manipulative, abusive and controlling. I swore to myself I would never date someone like that again after my last boyfriend, but how can anyone tell how their partner is going to be like before you fall in love with them? So anyway, last night I told him I no longer wanted to deal with his crap. Of course he gave me his "I don't care" attitude. So I left him. This is day 1 of NC. Unless he somehow apologises from the heart and changes for both of us then maybe I'd reconsider. But for now, I can see he won't change because he can't see the error in his ways. I pity him almost because he will never be able to have a healthy long-lasting relationship. Link to comment
lkonohalanbu Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 3 weeks into the break up, talked to her yesterday to let her know i was reading old chat logs and i found her password, knowing that she and mostly everybody else in the world only have 1 password to everything, i did the right thing and told her to change it via e-mail she got mad, she thought i hacked it, long story short, i'm tired of hurting, tired of keeping tabs, i need to move on and focus on me the less i know about her the better. deleted and blocked HELP ME THROUGH THIS HARD TIME! Link to comment
snowstorm Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 _______________________ Link to comment
The Mad Pagan Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 Yup, we made it! Huzzah! It's been over three months since he left me, and that long since I heard his voice. His ignoring me (until that email last month) really helped me to heal more quickly. Seeing his profile on Match, like I said, brought me the REAL closure I needed. I haven't really thought about him at all, except for a few moments at a time. That's exciting to me. He wasn't the one. Not even close. As for a prize, I don't think there is one; except, that is, for peace of mind. I am now going to take a break from ENotAlone because I have gotten to the point where I can do this on my own. I thank everyone for your kind words and support, and I wish you all the best with your lives and struggles. This is probably not goodbye from the site forever--just for now! Scott, The Mad Pagan Link to comment
lkonohalanbu Posted August 20, 2008 Share Posted August 20, 2008 thanks for the words of encouragement, advice is easy to give, but damn hard to follow! if anybody needs somebody to talk to on aim, to listen to your story or just to talk to somebody instead of the ex feel free to aim me. ikkidono Link to comment
KaylaJoy Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 Day 30 I also am now able to clearly know that it was NOT all my fault. Yes, I take blame in it, but I no longer feel the intense guilt he laid down on me. I take blame in talking myself into a relationship with "well, no one is perfect" instead of listening to my gut and stopping it before it became so intense. I let him break me down so far by letting him put the blame on me, that I had no self-esteem left in any inch of my body. I no longer feel that now and with the time of healing I am able to begin accepting myself again as a good person. I have much to offer, I have learned much from this experience and I know I will be a good partner for the right man when the time is right. And I am learning to forgive him. I hated him that day he walked out. I felt that all of the love he had professed was lies if he could just throw it away to easily. Then my hate turned to simple intense pain and trying to accept that he was certain he didn't want "us". I questioned myself over and over again and would feel such anger at what he did. I hated that he took almost a year from me. I hated him that he was so strong and was able to not contact me, while I was continuing to die a small death daily. I feel as though you crept inside my head and thoughts when you wrote this. It's exactly how I feel. Now I am able to see the roles we both played in all of this mess. That I was not just a toy to him, that his feelings were genuine, that he is simply a very sensitive man, a man with abandonment issues, and we are a poor match. I forgive him for ending it because it really was the best for both of us. I'm not quite there yet, I know he believes it was for the best. I'm not sure that I'll ever believe he did anything other than use me, and truthfully he really doesn't offer me anything other than he used me. I still think about him every day and every hour, more than once. It still hurts beyond belief, but I am learning to accept it now. At times I still wish for it back, but what I wish for really wasn't what I thought it was. Sad, but so true. I don't know if I will ever be able to be his friend. For now, it is still too painful to see him or hear his voice, and I fear I would be blinded again. Absolutely...I'm learning this as I go. As I have said before, when I can take that memory box down, look at the contents and not feel this pain, is the time I will perhaps test the waters on being friends. I am far from there, but so much closer than I was at Day 1. Some days I don't feel much closer, but I guess I am. I no longer cry everyday. But I still feel the ache. Kayla: Be grateful he does not want to be friends right now. It simply does not work this early in the healing process. God knows I tried, and all I did was hurt myself more and give him the "fix" that he needed. Clarity creeps in slowly as you maintain NC. Hugs. You are so right Smiling. Every time I see him I'm right back where I always was. He knows this now; perhaps this is why he stays away. He no longer needs the "fix" which is good for me, because I am not strong enough to stay away on my own. I used to listen to country music alot, and still have some choice favorites, and one from Brooks and Dunn that I can really relate to - "It's getting better all the time"... "I don't stop breathing everytime the phone rings, my heart don't race cauz someone's at the door. I've almost given up thinking you're ever gonna call, I don't believe in magic anymore. I just don't lie awake at night, asking God to get you off my mind....It's getting better all the time." Thanks Still Smiling....You go girl! Link to comment
StillSmiling Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 3 weeks into the break up, talked to her yesterday to let her know i was reading old chat logs and i found her password, knowing that she and mostly everybody else in the world only have 1 password to everything, i did the right thing and told her to change it via e-mail she got mad, she thought i hacked it, long story short, i'm tired of hurting, tired of keeping tabs, i need to move on and focus on me the less i know about her the better. deleted and blocked HELP ME THROUGH THIS HARD TIME! Great job on getting the password thing handled. I wish I had done that right out of the shoot because he has no clue I know it. Now it feels like too much time has passed, and I really need to stay NC. Thankfully I am strong enough to not be peeking at his stuff. I know it would only hurt me. Buy boy ... it sure is tempting some times... We're here when you need to talk. Know it gets better, although I'm having a tough one tonight after hitting that 30 day marker. It's over. I know it's over. I know it is for the best it is over. Head, please start talking to heart a bit louder! Shezzzz Link to comment
DavidWRosario Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 Day 2 Over Saw her today at my daughters open house. I have finally realized all these problems are hers....not mine. She was on the Warpath with the schools, nothing was right for her little pride and joy. Class room, teacher, bus schedule nothing. She is a Student teacher with no place to Co-op, My daughters class is short a teacher and no bus scheduled. So like a dork, I suggest she talk to the principal about allowing her to Co-op (Thats student teach for no pay) so she could get her credit hours she needs, Since she would have to come to school every day she could bring our daughter. Kills multi birds with one stone. Did not figure I would get hit with the stone. She ripped me a new one. Went home trying to figure out what I did now. Then I realized, I think she is certifiable. Oh well. I realized also that my eye has not be twitching for almost 4 months. It started again this evening. hmmmmm. One of these days she is gonna realize. . . . . . .somethin anybody got a asprin Dave Link to comment
Steve 7745 Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 Day 20. Yesterday night I look at a profile for an OLD ex, one from two years ago. Her life's different now that she's a teacher, basically it's sucked up into teaching and spending the rest of her time with friends. It has to suck being a teacher I suppose. I lived with two 30 year old ones and their romantic lives were lacking. I felt bad about that, they sacrifice their income way more of their time to teach kids and no one appreciates them for it. I noted in another post about the fall how someone thinks about their ex. Well, I know I'm about too. This was the time we met. And in all likelihood, she'll start thinking about me too. She might even find the courage to contact me in November. It would be nice if we could reconcile I suppose. Would just want to do it right. Maybe I'll get the chance. Probably will get the chance. Meh. Link to comment
StillSmiling Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 Day 31 Well, I wasn't sure if I would give up this ritual of typing each morning once I had hit 30 days. I guess I'm not. Still so much healing to be done and such a mixed bag of emotions. It's odd counting the days; hurtful and helpful. Helpful in that I have started to take back my life and stop the insanity of trying to contact him, and in doing so have gotten some closure and a better understanding of it all. But it's hurtful to know that as the days click away, he is also moving on and there is less and less of any chance of anything ever being again. I know it's right, it just doesn't make it any less sad. I really thought by now I would feel better. When I started the 30 days it was to try and get control back over myself. I was going insane wanting to call him, or write him and plotting how I could run into him. It worked in a way I had not expected. I am now TERRIFIED to see him or hear his voice. I know all of the emotions will come flooding back and foolish thoughts of how to make it work will once again dominate my mind. Some days I just feel weaker than others. I suppose the 30 day mark has forced me into a bit more of acceptance, which is also helpful and hurtful. I am supposed to go a street fair / food tasting tonight with one of my meet-up groups. Sounded great at the time and I even bought tickets and have been looking forward to it for weeks. Yesterday, in reading a final update on the event, I noticed 7 bands will be there. If you have read any of my story, you know he has two bands that play locally, as well as teaches music for a living. There is a chance he may be there, either with his band, or with his students, which also perform (and the school is in the same town), or he may simply be there for the event as well. Now I don't know if I can go. Just to see him, even from a distance, even if he would not see me is awful to think about. I can't look at his photos; I can't look at anything that reminds me of him without hurting again. When on earth does this stuff stop? If I go, will I be constantly be on the "look out" for him? What if I see him with a date? What if he wants to talk? It's crazy, but I have felt such turmoil since I read about the bands yesterday. I know at some point we are bound to run into each other. We only live about 20 minutes apart and enjoy many of the same things and places. I can't live my life trying to dodge him. Confused and feel a bit set back this morning ... Link to comment
Steve 7745 Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 Hang tough StillSmiling. I feel much the same way, a sense of fear and dread at the thought of being around them. And guess what? A mutual friend keeps telling me that they feel exactly the same way. Go have fun. Confront your fears, they will dwindle in time. If you see him, don't approach, pretend he isn't there. And if he comes up to you, just say hi, be pleasant and keep it short and sweet before excusing yourself to be with genuine company. Link to comment
StillSmiling Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 Thanks He2etic. Again, comforting to know I am not the only one with these feelings. And thanks for the reminder on confronting the fear ... it's going to happen sometime so I might as well be in the control seat. Link to comment
DavidWRosario Posted August 21, 2008 Share Posted August 21, 2008 you know I believe you are going to strong enough to face him, if he shows this evening. Besides I have a scarier thought for you.....ready here goes What if . . . . .a lovely lady such as yourself......meets somebody interesting who thinks your interesting and wants to just hang out. hmmmmm What now ? I know I have a lot of issues from the old relationship and wonder how or what to do now. Sometimes I think it is more horrifying if I ever get the nerve to date again. Sometimes it is easier to deal with the fear you know than the fear you dont. Just a thought Your gonna be great tonight Have fun Dave Link to comment
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