THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[swtchx]

day 8. today was a bad day for me...on the verge of tears all day...bit of a zombie around work all day. since the longest we havent spoken (ever) was 4 days, it pained me even more wondering why he hasnt called (even tho i hadnt either)...maybe it's because it really is over. i overthink things way toomuch, and started freaking out today wondering if he met someone, or is interested in someone, if he's thinking about me, if he hates me, if he gives a crap. but when i think about all these things, it never does me any good bc i could be guessing forever. i still need to move my things out of our place in the next few weeks but the only contact i will initiate will be via email bc it's necessary. i went for a run, which helped to feel better, but i still felt sick inside, bc i miss him so much and sometimes would do anything to feel his love again. sometimes i really dont know how ill be able to get through this...

[brian123]

Day 21 of no contact (Week 6 of BU). I found this site. It has been helping me quite a bit. I finally found a place for people to talk to.

 

It hurts b/c I think she got over us weeks ago, while I am still hurting. It hurts to think of her out there with other guys/pursuing other relationships so quickly.

[Butterflykisses]

is this the right place

[EyesOnThePrize]

is this the right place

 

For what?

[Butterflykisses]

Ok, so I am having an awful awful awful time with this break up and thing I need to join the challenge. I need to get everything out so I'm just gonna write it all here. Feel free to read it or just ignore it. So I was living in Spain for about a year when I met my ex. I was living/working there and was starting a life there and he was studying and about to be going back to the U.S. in a month. We met, hit it off instatntly, bonded over sme pretty intense stuff in that month and we even said the big "I love you"s before he came back to the States. Now at the time I had JUST turned 24 and he was 19 (I know it typically is the other way around, but I just fell so hard in love with him that it didnt matter to me). I stayed living in Spain for another year and we talked on the ohone almost every single day. He came to visit me 6 months after leaving and stayed for two weeks and I went to visit him in the States once for like a week or two. During this visit, he asked me to move from Spain to the U.S. It was really hard for me to do, but I did it because I was so head over heels in love with this guy. When I moved in we lived together with our own bedrooms and another roomie (we didn't want to rush because we were coming straight out of a long-distance relationship and wanted to be smart). Well, things were usually really good in the beginning minus the occasional fight. Then he got sick and had 2 major brain surgeries. He changed a little bit. But he changed even more due to growing up and us getting so used to e/o. We started arguing a lot. He was often very lazy and not very dependable and I turn became a nagging * * * * * . As time went on things would go from really really good to really really bad. We were supposed to move in to a 2 br together but we broke up. So now we live in the same complex but different apts. Oh yea, and he has our cats by the way (soon to be mine). We wound up getting back together. Still rocky but still strong. He had expressed that he wasn't going anywhere and to relax about worrying about our relationship so much. I got so crazy because I was working the most terrible terrible job ever and it was sucking the life and energy out of me. Needless to say, we argued more and I was moody all the time. Who would want to be with that??? We got in a huge fight the night before I flew out to see my parents for two weeks but wound up making up. We talked everyday while I was visiting family for the first 5 days. We had decided where we wanted to live and he was all excited. He got upset one night and started crying and said he was having a breakdown. I told him I would stick with through anything and he stopped crying. When I asked what I could do he said "that. just stick by me." Ok, sounds great. Well the next day I called him and asked him something and we got to talking. he said that he wanted to run back to Europe and that he would if he wasn;t tied down in a relationship. I snapped. I kept saying what's it gonna be me or Europe? (mind you at that point I eventually wanted to be back in Europe, but I wanted to do it the smart way this time and not rush). Eventually he said it would be best if we parted. This was the night after telling me to stick by his side. He had also left me a message immediately before this convo saying "I love you". And that was it. We were done. Over the phone after almost 5 years of us. While I was on vaca visiting an extremely sick relative and family dog. We talked a few times oer the phone but I tried to play it cool. All the other times we "broke up" I would write to him spilling my heart out and we would get back. But I knew in my heart that this time would be different. He wanted out this time...for good. And I went nuts. I cried for weeks and stayed an extra week at my parents. Then I booked a flight to Europe to go visit my best friend. I came back home for two days to get my passport and suitcase and we hung out. We wound up sleeping together twice before he drove me to the airport (I had slept there) but we were still as broken up as ever. Then I was in Europe for 2 weeks and he day I was fling back he was landing for HIS two week stay in Europe. So we basically went 4 weeks with not much contact. A few emails, but nothing drastic. He wound up texting me from Europe to tell me he was getting on the plane and then called me from his layover. He wanted to catch up that night so we did. We were all giggly but nothing happened....even though I did spend the night. So now....I sleep over there sometimes and so far since he's been back we have slept together 3 more times. Every time he won't even kiss me. So, I did something kinda bad and went to check something out. There are two condoms missing and the reality hit that he was sleeping with one (or maybe 2) other girls. I felt so sick that yesterday I did nothing but cry cry cry. He doesn;t know I noticed that and I will not tell him because it is not place being as I am his EX. Then I got a call that my aunt passed away. I had to text him to tell him and he just texted back I'm sorry. Then 5 mins later he sent out a mass text saying Happy 420 Everyone! Uggh. So....I decided today that I need to stop all contact. My only concern is the cats. I would be fine (though it would be EXTREMELY HARD) if I couldn't see them for a few months until our lease is up (my roomie is allergic) because I know they will be living with me. But the problem is my cat (the one I am financially responsible for....I bought him his cat by the way) gets sick about once every 1-2 mos. and needs to go in and get a shot. So he needs to contact me to tell me when he starts getting sick again. So there is now way out. Help me guys! I don't know if I'm gonna be able to do this. I will be going home tomorrow through Sunday for the funeral and I don't even plan on telling him I'm leaving the state. Oh,,,plus I quit my job a few months back and can't find another one....and barely made any friends when i was with him. I made some new friends, but for the most oart my days are full of long quiet days with NOTHING to do but think and it is really really rough on me.

[EyesOnThePrize]

You might want to copy this into its own thread, and just use this one for your experiences with NC. I think you're more apt to get feedback that way.

[Butterflykisses]

good call eyes. I did just that. Ok, so since I texted him yesterday I guess this is officially day one of nc and I don't know what to do to keep myself busy. I wonder what he is doing and WHO he is with and WHO he slept with and HOW he could have moved on so quickly. This is going to be a loooooong 30 days.

[MeSilly]

Day 7. A whole week without trying to contact you. I didn't think it was possible a week ago. I still wonder if you think of me. I know you do, but still. Maybe that's what drives me to call sometimes... But I won't do it. I won't do it in part because you asked me to, but mostly for me, because I need me back, and a rejection, which would surely be your response, would take me back to square 1.

 

I spent the day sad b/c I dreamt you had a new boyfriend. I know you probably do; you are beautiful and you know you've always had plenty of suitors and it's been a long time since we've been apart. But I was sad because in my dream, I was jealous. I'm supposed to be over those feelings by now, but I'm not. And until I am, you and I cannot attempt to regain our friendship from before. And that kills me.

 

Day 7. Glad it's over.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Day 13 - Busy at work, I had a weak moment where I almost checked her LJ, more my OCD than really caring what was there. I realized today that I don't care about what she's doing on a day to day basis, and I don't care what she and slimeball are doing. I do care that she's healthy and doing well, and I do miss her. I would love to talk with her or even e-mail her to share what's been going on in my life. And yet, another day gets marked off the calendar and I don't do this and I'm fine and perhaps even stronger.

 

I went to the divorce/separated support group tonight, it was a good meeting. I'm becoming friendly with one of the guys there, and I think its good to have someone to talk with about things. One woman was going off on a rant about how those of us who have some hope of reconciliation are fooling ourselves, because she held on for years and kept getting hurt. She really started nudging my lizard towards fight, and I held back and chose a different reaction. This woman was master talking the hell out of us, and really attempting to impose her beliefs on us. The funniest thing (maybe most ironic?) of it was her telling us how she had moved on and was dealing with life so well now, when her entire sharing was laced with what I saw as extreme bitterness. Oh well, that's her problem, not mine. I have not had a good experience with this woman, her personality it a type that generally grates on mine. I was tolerant and respectful, and I suspect that's all she'll get out of me.

 

I'm going to head to bed in a few to have my nightly conversation with the ex, which maybe gets to her, maybe not. I hope she's happy. I know I am.

[brian123]

Is it considered a loss of NC if you call the person and they do not answer?

 

If yes (Day 4), if no day 22.

 

I get urges throughout the day to call her. I get scared alot of the time over what I missed/am missing. I think of all the fun times we had together, all we shared, how she made me feel, and all we could have shared. I am still totally confused over why we broke up, but am beginning to see how things were for the best. It was unhealthy the way we were going, and she had other issues to work out. It does not help me missing her though. It does not alleviate the fear I have of loosing her forever.

[Mustang]

Day 20

 

Once again, I am very hungover today.

 

I'm missing my ex quite a lot. I am wondering how she is, what she's up to and of course wondering if she is thinking of me in anyway whatsover. I doubt it very much.

 

As I've said a lot recently, I can't contact her. Which means I won't. I told her that I was cutting contact because our friendship wasn't working. If you could call it a friendship. But by me telling her with 100% honesty how I felt if I back down now just to say "Hi! How are you?" she will assume that I've cracked under the pressure and I am still there waiting for her. Her response will no doubt be a casual "Yeah, I'm fine" and I'll be back to square one. She'll be on guard again.

 

I suppose one of the hardest things to deal with is that I know that she will never contact me. She told me so. She said she'd give me as much space and time as I needed until if/when I wanted to speak to her again. Which was probably a brush off... I kind of get the feeling that she doesn't care. She said she felt guilty after all. Maybe me hanging around just reminded her of her guilt. Me not being there eases everything and she's free to do whatever and whoever she wants without me in the background getting in the way.

 

Plus I don't feel like NC is working. I miss her more and I also think that for as long as I go on not contacting her, she will believe that it is because I am still hurt and upset. OK, I am right now but let's say in a few months time I'm cool and happy. She won't wonder about me, she will just think "Oh he's still not over it... because he's not talking to me".

 

I just want to get back to being the person I used to be. I know I am close. But I would still like my ex in my life at some point because she was my best friend too. That said, since she dumped me she seems to have no memory of that. She always talked to me like somebody she'd only just met. As time goes on, I'll become an even bigger stranger. Hence my post last night about giving up.... the thing is, I don't want to right now. Nobody I've met in the past 5/6 months has grabbed me in the same way. In previous break ups, I'd have been healed a long time ago and would probably be with someone else. I'm at uni! I should have loads of girls to choose from. Trust me, nobody interests me.

 

Which makes me feel worse in a way because my ex didn't have any trouble replacing me. I guess it puts things into perspective if she just slammed the door in my face and I stand outside waiting....

[mankow]

Day 11th

Not a single word, letter or sign with an ex. Yeah!

First time really in the good mood when came from work.

Even washed my dishes, lol!

[theredrocket]

so after telling my ex girlfriend I wanted to get back together and that I could not be just friends, to which she declined. I am starting no contact.

 

her birthday is july 7th, which is 75 days away. I do best with defined goals so that is my target period. I set up an event on my calendar and wrote my future self a nice note about what happened and giving him the option of sending an ecard.

 

day 1 10:10 AM

 

I feel ok. I wish she would change her mind but I feel determined to do this because I know it is the best thing. My plan today is to read a self improvement book I got, excel at work, work out and reach my eating goals. After the gym I am going to go to blockbuster so I have something to watch before I go to bed and I'm going to listen to a CD I got which uses NLP to help build social confidence.

 

i expect it will get harder as the day progresses.

[swtchx]

day 9. felt better today, found that i didn't think about him as much. i also accomplished some small personal challenges which made me feel good about myself. also, the weather was gorgeous and sunny, and i couldn't help but feel in a good mood...but it also made me wish i could share it with him. i dont know if i felt better today because i was feeling (falsely) hopeful or because i am getting stronger. I hope it's the latter...sometimes i think i'm fooling myself though. because i feel different--like this period of silence between us could be the beginning of change for the better by giving him time and space to think and miss me...and then i feel like if only he gave it a chance it could be so good...but then i think that i am completely ignoring the facts and what he said to me not so long ago and come crashing back down to reality. I wonder if he'll ever miss me or think to give it a chance, or if in his head he is already thinking it's over. I often feel like im in this haze that is not real...like i can't believe this is my life and I cant believe this is happening to me. how did it get to this point? i know it sounds so selfish... im so glad i found this forum, because it lets me say what i'm really feeling...good luck to everyone out there

[bronte]

UPDATE

 

I responded to the ex's message today (more than 48 hours after he sent it). I gave him a grand total of two sentences, in which I took on a friendly tone but told him nothing about my life that he couldn't have guessed on his own (it's the end of the semester and I have tons of schoolwork, shocking) and didn't ask him any questions, though I said I hoped everything was going smoothly with his own school stuff.

 

He responded within an hour saying how great it was to hear from me and complaining about his own academic workload...

 

But he didn't ask me any more questions, so, while I think he's expecting me to respond, I also think that I can not do so and can go back into NC without feeling like I'm being rude. I assume I won't hear from him again for a while, which will be good for my continued healing!

 

I'm very proud of how I handled this and can't believe that I've gotten to a point where I was able to pass up the opportunity to talk to him at length. I say that not to celebrate myself, lol, but because NC was SO Key in getting to this point. So, for those of you just starting out, stick with it!!! It doesn't feel like it's worth the pain at first but it definitely is in the long run. I feel stronger today than I have in a long, long time.

 

I made it for 36 days...Tomorrow I'll start over at Day #1.

[GetMeBack]

Well day 32 , the challenge. 43 days since I actually spoke to him on the phone.

 

Feel very disconnected from him, like he is a stranger and I dont really know who he is anymore.

 

Its very sad. I would be lying if I said I dont miss him.

 

I think of him at least once a day.. but it is getting less.

 

I will never initiate any contact, I just dont want to hurt myself anymore than I have. I am protecting myself.

 

I do hope he is happy, and I do love him still..

 

But I know someone will love and cherish me, that I deserve.

[ramsickle1369]

DAY 23

 

Mustang... I COMPLETELY know what you are saying... I guess we all have that "one". The one that alters our entire life and belief system. No matter how much time passes, or what you do or don't do, NOTHING CHANGES IT. I think that's the point. You just have to accept that things are the way they are and it really doesn't matter what you do or don't do.

 

I've spent the past year and a half going NC and back, occasionally I get that random IM or text message. I don't understand why. He's a liar and I've come to believe that everything was a lie, even when he said he liked me, cared about me, wanted me, plus all the promises. Hurt turns to rage and back again. It's all I can do to get up each morning. I KNOW he doesn't think of me or miss me. I have proof.

 

It is my hope that some time (soon?) I will stop thinking about him constantly. I will stop loving his lying butt. I will stop replaying each moment, good or bad, and I'll meet someone new. Just as you said Mustang, not one person I've known in my life before or after him touched me so deeply. To think that it meant absolutely NOTHING to him... that two years (and me) is so easily forgettable.

 

I've given up trying to forget him. I've also given up trying to be something he'd want. He never knew me, never wanted to know me. And I've never known anyone who disregarded me so easily. I don't know how to handle it all. I even quit therapy. NOTHING takes him off my mind. nothing...

[wyrllish]

Thought I was mostly over many of these feelings and thoughts but they seem to have risen back up. Here we go again I suppose and back on that path of NC QUOTE]

 

 

hi wyrllish, Your not on your own, a couple of us who broke up in the new year and havent had contact for 5 or 6 weeks were just saying that it just feels like its getting harder at the moment not easier.

 

Stick with the NC like us and Im fingers crossed it WILL as time goes on.

 

good luck, Hope x

 

Hehe I had an even worse night tonight! lmao

 

That feeling when you hear something about your ex and the possibly of them with another. There is a high high probability that I'm blowing it all out of proportion. I always think the worse when situations like this come up however. Even so it was able to get that gut feeling to envelope me tonight though and I haven't felt that in a while.

 

Good luck to you guys as well Was just on such a good high from thinking I was over most of the feelings then I let my guard down too early.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Day 14 - Hard to believe its been 2 weeks since I've talked to her. In some ways, it has flown by. I haven't had any contact with her since her voice mail of last Wednesday or Thursday (I think it was Wednesday). I miss her, and I'm getting used to not having her around. I'm sure she's busy doing whatever she's doing in Texas, and I don't obsess about it, and I suspect that she doesn't obsess about me, and I'm fine with that at this point.

 

I did "leak" a progress report on my LiveJournal, posting the same thing I posted here about the book I read on Emotional Regression. Its part of the "Work on yourself...visibly" part of things. As of last week she was still reading my journal, I have no reason to believe she's not reading it now. And I do want to read that book again and soon, however right now I've lent it to my housemate. For me, its on to finishing "The Five Love Languages" and I've just started "I hate you, don't leave me", a book on BPD. Even a few pages in I see evidence that my ex may have BPD, and I cry. I think about how she must be hurting inside, and how my lack of understanding didn't help the situation any. Ah, if we are ever to reconcile, we have a lot of work to do. And that's okay. To me, she's worth it, if she's really going to the do the work on herself.

 

I had lunch with an old co-worker of mine today. The last time she saw me was about 2 weeks after I found out about the divorce, and I was a total wreck. Today she said a few times that she was very impressed with how far I seem to have come. That was nice to hear, because while I believe that I am changing, the proof is in other people seeing it. Otherwise, I think its just talk.

 

Busy day at work, so I didn't get to think about her that much. Actually, I don't think about her 24/7 like I used to. I still think about her a lot, and its mostly in a good way. I really don't blame her for things. She was just doing the best she could. My ex did some modeling, and I did a lot of photography of her. She is my primary subject in my portfolio. On a modeling site on which I participate, I had taken her pictures off as my avatar. I changed them back today, and realized there was no pain from looking at them. Some sadness, and at the same time, I was filled again with hope that we'd be making beautiful images together again. Who knows? Time will tell.

 

I'm going to go upstairs and read for a bit before going to sleep, and have my nightly talk with her to clear off my day. Tomorrow is the 1/2-way point, although now I'm considering going more than 30 days. Not because I don't want to talk to her, because I want her to keep getting the impact of life without Eyes. I'm mostly at peace these days, which is great as far as I'm concerned. I think I've done about all the grieving I'm going to do. I'm enjoying the time I'm taking to work on myself.

[organik]

I feel ya buddy... I feel the exact same way. My ex's birthday is coming up and unsure what to do, we broke up over a month ago now, and it's been NC for a week. I bought her a gift before she broke up with me and now i'm wondering weather to send it or not. I think I might mail it, only option I see that makes sense.

 

I really hate this part of life. I wish there was a way to switch off emotions. I guess time is the only thing, it's going to be a rough few months to come.

[MeSilly]

Day 8 -- She sent me that song a week ago today. I found one that would fit what I feel for her quite perfectly. NC for 8 days is hard. I would've prolly sent the link to the song under different circumstances.

 

But I'm feeling good today. I've not had time to think about her -- I've been so busy! And the primaries are keeping me very involved. It's great, because I don't have to think about how much I miss her. In fact, today, I didn't miss her.

 

Looking forward to day 9.

[Mustang]

Day 21

 

So I've managed three weeks. Go me! Has it made me feel any better? Not as much as I had expected it would. Although I think I would've been in a much stronger position had my ex not replied to my closure email. That made things a whole lot worse.

 

As most of you know, her email was so full of dishonest excuses that were only written to make her look less guilty. It was all very vague and unclear. It just made me even more upset. After two years was I not worth honesty? Why didn't she just say "I met someone else and I'm sorry but I just didn't want to be with you anymore" instead of all the "I've changed" and "I feel so bad for hurting you, I never wanted that" to make herself look like a decent human being?

 

I've got a lot of uni work to do in the next couple of weeks and then I have to find myself a job for the summer. To be honest, I really am struggling with uni work at the moment. Whenever I try to sit down and focus on work I get distracted and start thinking about her. The sun is out today and I just imagine my ex and her new guy having loads of fun together and creating more and more memories. She won't be thinking about me. At all. I can just sense it. She said in her email that she does still think about me even though it "may seem" she's moved on but I don't really think that's true. It's easy to type that to someone.

 

I know NC isn't supposed to be about getting your ex back. To be honest, I know that I am not in the perfect position to get back with my ex right now anyway. Even if my ex did contact me again, I wouldn't be the confident, outgoing person I was when we first met. Which just frustrates me even more. I want to be the person I was.

 

I just feel like I'm getting worse as NC goes on because I miss her more and I reckon that she misses me less. The "new" guy in the picture is getting her every single day and has done since October. I've seen her for about 20 minutes since we split up in November... how on earth can I compete with that? She's not going to miss me at all seeing as she's spent 99% of her time with him in the past six months and only 1% (if that) with me.

 

I do keep wondering about her and I miss her more now than ever because at this point in time, NC feels so final and I really don't want that. But as I've said before, I can't contact her. I have no reason to. What am I gonna say? There's nothing I can say. Which just makes me angry. She was a huge part of my life for almost two years and now I'm at the stage where even if I say "Hi, how are you?" I will make things even worse. How * * * * ed up is that?

 

I need to try and get the idea out of my head that my ex will contact me at some point. She won't. She never did before. She certainly won't now seeing as I told her that I was going NC because of how I felt about her. She's with a new guy. If you're with someone new and you have somebody else interested in you that you can't stand, you're not going to speak to them are you? Especially when they tell you how they feel about you. You're just going to be relieved that you are rid of the person.

 

Maybe I am being harsh on myself, I don't know but that's how I feel right now. Even if my ex does think about me for a split second - it'll soon pass. New guy will be there to "distract" her. I don't even know if you can call it a distraction or rebound anymore. She dumped me for him (90% certain about that) and she'd only known him a month. That says something about how strongly she must've felt about him and how little she must've felt about me. How the hell is that supposed to change with me out of the picture and him in her life every single day?

 

I won't lie, it'd be nice if my ex just cracked and asked how I was. I know it wouldn't mean anything but it would at least make me feel like I wasn't worthless. I would most probably ignore her contact anyway (because I'm not myself yet) but it would make me feel like I was in control.

 

For two days after my email to her, I was in control. I told her what I wanted and that I was doing it. Then her email back to me just filled my head with thoughts and doubts. I didn't email back which is something but I still feel like she has control. She knows how I feel and she knows that I am still here waiting. Even if I had met someone else by now and wasn't contacting my ex because I had no interest in her anymore, my ex will assume that I am not in contact with her because I still want to be with her.

 

So the longer NC goes on and I don't contact my ex, she will get an ego boost. She will believe that I still want her. That I still care. That I am still there waiting. Which will push her closer to the new guy. She is not going to miss me because in a weird way, she knows that I am there. She won't contact me. And right now, I don't see how I can ever contact her again. I (foolishly) still love her more than anything...

[brian123]

Mustang -> I am in the same boat as you, so I know what I am saying is hard to believe. Let her think you believe what she told you. Unless you ate her newborn baby for breakfast, eventually, she will feel guilty about lying to you.

[Mustang]

Mustang -> I am in the same boat as you, so I know what I am saying is hard to believe. Let her think you believe what she told you. Unless you ate her newborn baby for breakfast, eventually, she will feel guilty about lying to you.

 

Thanks. I really don't believe she ever will feel guilty but one can hope.

 

One can hope? Woah. I sound posh.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Mustang - I've read a lot of your posts, and I hear your pain, and my observation is that I believe you are incredibly invalidating to her, and I think that if you are that way here, you were probably that way in the relationship. You say things like "her email was so full of dishonest excuses that were only written to make her look less guilty" and "After two years was I not worth honesty" and many more in your posts. IMO, what she's doing makes perfect sense to her and she's doing the best she can. To me, you don't want to seem to want to get her sense at all, only to see how much she's hurt you. As for honesty, I believe that people lie when they don't feel safe telling the truth. Why might she not feel safe telling the truth to you? Do you understand her sense on that?

 

IMO, you might want to spend some time trying to get her sense if you want any shot with this woman and if you don't, you might want to spend some time looking at your actions and what brought the two of you to the breakup so you don't just do the same thing next time around.

 

That's just my opinion, and that and $73.21 pays my computer lease for the month.