THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[gee]

Day 27

 

I am feeling ok for the most part. I have thoughts about here here ad there but as I am in China my mind is distracted a bit with work and seeing new things. I haven't really had a good look at China as I am swamped with work. I miss her so much!!! I think about what she is doing and all. I am going back home next week. I am doing such a good job here that I won't have to stay 2 weeks. The language barrier is tough at times but I have a translator that helps me out. Food is ok, people are humble. I miss home, though. I haven't had a good chance to come here and read about you guys, but I will try to catch up. I think she doesn't care about me anymore since I didn't answer her call. I totally ignored her! i feel bad that I did that. Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well. I think I have to start all over again as far as finding someone new. We belong together, though!

 

Honey, I'll send some pics this weekend.

[lexion]

day 7

i met someone online

she's having the same problem with me

so we've been supporting each other

it's feel good to have someone who went through the same thing like you

[lexion]

hey, i found this story from the secret website

link removed

 

 

 

for you who don't know what she's reffering to as "the secret"

it's a book by Rhonda Byrne

it tells us to visualize what we want, and act as if we already have it

let your feeling to feel as if it's already yours

it's a great book

[SCbunny]

We haven't had any verbal or physical contact since March 5th.

 

BUT I have looked at his Facebook/Myspace ...which I know is against one of the rules..

 

Should I start my NC start date all over again as of today?

 

(Ah that Myspace rule is going to kill me haha)

 

It'll feel better to see so many other people doing this along with me!

[SamT]

Welcome SCbunny

 

lexion i read your post hmm...are you trying to say that we shouldnt give up?

i think its gotten too hard for me right now.

 

day 8

woke up on the verge of tears...with a few depressing thoughts going through my head.

i dont think i can take this anymore

 

i feel the need to 'sort things out' and end this on good terms..

but then im not sure if i should, at least not yet?

should i hold out for longer?

 

i feel like this is steadily getting harder...and could be getting easier for her x

[Addicus]

Sam t

 

I broke my NC yesterday and since I did it has been brutal. Even though I didn't expect anything I think just the actual process of breaking NC can open wounds.....she was pretty much gone out of my lief and then a simple email brings them back..regardless if they even answer it! She did answer and was very sweet.....part of me wants her to tell me to get lost, that would make it SO much easier to move on....just think twice about breaking NC.....I know that I need to go back to it and started right away....this time I will not announce...just disappear.

[Mock Chop]

Oh dear, I miss him badly today. I woke up in a funk, went to see my therapist for our usual weekly appointment, and spoke about him a fair bit. I know where I went wrong, and I know that I can never go back to being the person I was in the last couple of months of our relationship. It's not mentally possible for me to go back - I can't 'unknow' what I now know, so there's just no way for it to be done! I knew what I was feeling then, but I had no clue as to WHY I felt that way. Now I do know, so I can't go back to that state of mind (thankfully).

 

I want to tell him. I want to sit down with him and just talk. I want to tell him about all the realisations, all the understanding and the phenomenal leaps I've taken in being my own person. And then, if it's what's meant to be, I want to say goodbye to him properly.

 

Needless to say, I won't do it. Yet. Soon I will put in that request for a meeting, and I'll tell him all I need to tell him. My friends, my therapist, people I only talk to on an internet forum have all seen the huge change in me. I can live without him, the world keeps turning. Only it's a world with something very precious missing.

[SamT]

Sam t

 

I broke my NC yesterday and since I did it has been brutal. Even though I didn't expect anything I think just the actual process of breaking NC can open wounds.....she was pretty much gone out of my lief and then a simple email brings them back..regardless if they even answer it! She did answer and was very sweet.....part of me wants her to tell me to get lost, that would make it SO much easier to move on....just think twice about breaking NC.....I know that I need to go back to it and started right away....this time I will not announce...just disappear.

 

Yeah ive been reading your threads..

i sometimes feel as though if i could just talk and end this on good terms, ill be free.... do i need some closure?

im not sure...maybe deep down i just need to talk to her.

[jamieboy]

I know exactly how you feel, i had a big arguament with my ex on monday and i feel like i just wantt to clear it all up before i move on ( i must admit i also wish we were on better terms so she would miss me more) but more than anything i hate leaving a 2 year relationship on an arguament!!!!

[honeyspur]

I just want to say how great it is everyone is thinking about themselves and learning about these changes. Rediscovering yourself can be scary. Deciding to contact after a month can seem hard.

Those who take time to set a boundary have two things to do - work through feelings and keep the boundary set by sticking to the 30 days!

 

Sam - I want to say - I'm sorry you are feeling so awful. You must do what you think is best. I do believe 30 days will be a healthy enough time before contacting, thus HELPING that conversation - but honestly, you just have to choose to stop feeling so bad. It won't go away otherwise. Contacting your ex will make you feel relief but only until you are alone with yourself again and the feelings will start overwhelming again. Getting this emotional roller coaster to stop is entirely under your control.

 

Sam you might be realizing that closure is what you need - but be sure to ask for it directly if you decide to break NC. If you know you can keep the conversation short and not engage in another argument with her - you might need to let go of this challenge.

 

 

Mock Chop - your post is so true. I felt so strongly about this change in me when I broke up withh my first boyfriend. I wanted to tell him so bad - but he was very careful about receiving information from me and refused to meet me anywhere alone.

That hurt for a long time. When we see each other now, we stop and chat - but I still don't see a change in him. And when I try and explain how differently I would've have treated him based on my changes - he just gets all glassy eyed - like his ears stop working or something. It's been 5 years since I talked to him last.

 

SC Bunny - welcome - best of luck with your NC journey.

 

SweetSmilingYeti - I'm impressed with your willpower - I woke up thinking of it today. I really like how you are handling yourself and your ability to consider how your strength is making you feel safer despite seeing him every day.

 

I want everyone to really think about what it means to create a cycle and how it's different from breaking NC once. When you get to breaking it twice, 3, 4 or more times, you are creating a pattern instead of making progress. NC turns into a safety net that you fall back on instead of really completing. Realize NC might not be for you at this time in life. A time where you are around your ex often - maybe you just need to learn how to communicate properly. A time where you feel like you can honestly be their friend but are scared - maybe you just need bravery and preparation for the possible rejection.

Again, consider the difference between "need" and "love". Love is unconditional - it lasts after death, during times of great strife and distance. It exists by doing simply nothing at all.

Need is about biology and habit. Feeling like you need to hear, touch and feel is withdrawl. The thoughts and feelings last after the withdrawl is gone - but our systems feel more stabalized. Getting out there - doing new things - taking control of our own routine - reading up on things like "co-dependancy" "rebounds" "impulse control" "abusive relationships" and "low self sesteem" will help since educating yourself is power.

[Mock Chop]

.

 

 

Mock Chop - your post is so true. I felt so strongly about this change in me when I broke up withh my first boyfriend. I wanted to tell him so bad - but he was very careful about receiving information from me and refused to meet me anywhere alone.

That hurt for a long time. When we see each other now, we stop and chat - but I still don't see a change in him. And when I try and explain how differently I would've have treated him based on my changes - he just gets all glassy eyed - like his ears stop working or something. It's been 5 years since I talked to him last.

 

We have to see each other at some point - we still have keys to each other's houses, I have a box of his stuff here, and he has some of my stuff at his place. He's never said a word about the keys, but then neither have I

 

All I do know for sure is that it cannot be left like 'this'. But right now, 'this' is how it is and how it's going to remain until I am totally sure I'm capable of handling a negative interaction.

 

I don't want to tell him about stuff because I think it will make him do a 180, but because we were close, because I'm seeing in myself what he always TOLD me was there (but of course I didn't believe him I want to tell him how empowering it is, how there's the contradictory thing of feeling so excited about the realisations and 'aha' moments but suffering the great pain of loss when those realisations bring with them the knowledge that you have let your past negatively impact on your interactions and relationships with others your entire life.

 

Time will tell what happens. For once, I'm doing the grown up thing and sitting back.

[SamT]

hmm do i email her or something or not...

 

i dont want to...but maybe if i 'ended' this now on good terms... will i make progress?

 

rather than sitting here wondering how she feels?

 

or maybe she is starting to regret all the things shes said to me...

 

i doubt i should ask her friends though.?naah

[Hosvius]

hey superdave, i want in. i recently broke up with my girlfriend out of anger about something in the past and it was a horrific mistake. i tried talking to her the next day saying i didnt mean it etc. but she insisted it was over and she doesnt feel the same about me etc. and now she wont answer phone calls or messages. I want to try this to see if she comes back around because i feel she is fed up with me and is retaliating and we truly loved each other so i hope this NC will make her realize what we had and want it back. i will post what happens regularly with me and her as the rules followed.

[GetMeBack]

Sam do not email her.. I have just made a post in healing..worth the read..

[honeyspur]

Groundbreaking post GetmeBack!!! Everyone needs to read this -

 

I am so thrilled for you - you have just jumped ahead in your healing!!!!!

[bronte]

Day #6

 

Having a tough day...I'm about to head home for the Easter holidays, and unfortunately my hometown is also where he goes to school (and he just started a PhD program, so he's not leaving anytime soon!)

 

When we had coffee last time I was home and it went so well, I thought we were re-establishing our connection and would probably meet up at some point the next time I was home to talk things over in a more serious way. Instead I'm preparing for an entire week of knowing that he's 5 minutes away but telling another girl the things he used to tell me...And I won't get to see him at all.

[GetMeBack]

Groundbreaking post GetmeBack!!! Everyone needs to read this -

 

I am so thrilled for you - you have just jumped ahead in your healing!!!!!

 

Thanks honeyspur for that. .

 

I am hoping to god he doesnt contact me..lol..

 

Day 3 NC phase 2..

 

Something tells me I am going to breeze this one...

[Irish Jax]

Day 26

 

 

Doing really well today!! I am calling it a good day because my mood is up and also because I am keeping myself busy. Hopefully this good feeling sustains . I am moving forward and hopefully soon I can let go comp

[SamT]

day 8

 

spoke to my friend...i convinced her that its not a good idea for me to talk to her right now. she was just worried about how i was doing, since its been a long time..

 

But.. apparently i am depressed! lol

i did 2 tests online..and im 59% depressed :S hmmm

 

x

[RaeKarma]

day three

 

 

week six since he departed for basic training. have not talked to him in six whole weeks...crazy ....i cant even write cause im too tired...had to get up early for chemistry class....lookin for a job....waitin for EMT class to begin...i wanna go to sleep. imma take a nap when i get home

[abnyc]

i want in too! day 2 here! i can do this! i have to for me!!!! good luck everyone.

[Cartman08]

Day 3. Not sure how i feel really......at times i feel better & strong & like i don't wanna talk to her,, other times i cry & feel like giving in & other times i kinda feel numb to it. Right now is one of those numb times where i just dunno how i'm feeling,, does that make any sense to anyone here?? I've not spoke to her in 3 days nearly 4 now, but she txt me last night saying all kind of stuff trying to make me feel bad...saying her little sister miss me & it broke her heart to say she might not see me again. Maybe she should have told her that she's the one that ended it huh!! She also said i'm playing hard to get by ignoring her & i will come around eventually. I want the old days back when she treated me with respect & love & we were strong together. These days she plays mind games, have a bad attitude & is self destructing herself in many ways. I'm not sure where the girl i loved has gone or if infact she was ever there! Maybe she was made up & masking the real girl i was with. It all sucks!

[SamT]

i know how you feel cartman, its not really a pleasant feeling. its just in the middle, where you dont want to talk to her, but you miss her also.

 

end of day 8

 

Ups and downs again today

I just got a fleeting massive urge to ring her. phew! thats why im writing now...

i momentarily felt the weight of her head resting on my chest.. as if she was here, curled up next to me on the sofa.

To be honest, i just want her back as an amazing friend...but i wonder if anything like that would be possible now? to have her as a (girl) friend..but still to enjoy the little things i.e. having her in my arms watching a film. (with no hidden agenda)?

[LilBear]

Day 55

5 more days to go!

 

And then what?

[RaeKarma]

Sam i know exactly what u mean. it has been six weeks since i have seen or talked to my ex. And as the time passes u start to think about the wonderful close connection the two of u had and u just want it back. Ur in those first days and those are always the worst. i cried my way thru the first few weeks and could barely leave my house. But i got through it and now im breezin thru my second month. U got to get to that point where u dont need her anymore. Put her out of ur mind and time will fly by