THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[honeyspur]

Sam - LOL - you did ruin the plan mate - I don't know why but maybe you have to in order to get it. Just keep trying.

 

Getmeback - wow I so know what you mean. I'll tell you a little story....

 

My first love, Sean, lived with me for nearly two years. We had fantastic chemistry and felt great friendship as well. We were so alike in personality.

But we were also so mean to each other. Our fights - ugh - they were brutal.

When we broke - I was in a place where I wanted to go - but still felt those physical reactions you speak of. I was so angry that we would both get better - but that some other * * * * * was going to get him all fixed up. Some other girl was going to get what I'd worked so hard on!!!!

 

But a year later, I came down off that high horse. I began to see how unbelievably out of control I had been. And how we'd been doing the same hurtful things back and forth. I felt guilty again - but not in a needy way. In a truly sorry way that holds no hope for reconciliation. I decided with conviction I was never going to be that way with anyone again.

 

I still feel irked at times that he may be better, is probably married and feels the same way about me. He knows me and my fiance are still together, while he's gone through a string of girls.

He stopped by my radio show one night a few years after our break-up and I asked how his dating was going.

"Ah - honey - I still fight so bad.....will I ever learn?" he laughed. I was surprised. I felt I had improved so much, changed so many beliefs, yet he was still learning.

That is the nature of people. They set their own pace. We can only let them go so we can succeed. And our true love comes in honestly hoping the best for them.

 

Today, 10+ years later, I see he has a successful realty business. He's even got his little brother working by his side. That sounds good right? How can I not be happy for him? He put on a ton of weight too - while I lost over a hundred pounds. So how can I not be happy about that as well? LOLOL

[SamT]

Oh honey lol. u telling me ive already failed haha

 

Had a long talk on the phone in the end...dont shout! lol

 

so shes saying these things like - i want you in my life, i miss you, miss talking to you... all the usual stuff that put me on the rollacoster! and i explained to her - i think in a better way - about me hurting and not moving on when she talks to me.

we talked about our relationship - sometimes i understand where she comes from.. that she doesnt want to be in any relationship right now.. but i was clear that i wont stand in the sidelines watching her move on to other guys...so she assured me..

 

although i dont want to read into things... she did say "we can work this out" , "i dont want a relationship with you - right now" , "i want to be friends... and you never know..."

 

I was also clear about that controlling thing u guys were talking about before. And i finally felt more in control of myself ! - and the relationship.

 

gives me hope, although that slightly worries me...

have i done bad?lol

[honeyspur]

Well, no. But you have to be strict with yourself in order for something to work. There's nothing wrong with deciding not to go nc. If you realize you aren't ready for it or it's not necessary - it's not failing. It's just understanding. Already you did something great by trying out your new outlook. Being in control is unbelievably effective. In fact, any proper behaviour is good because we become an example to the ex. They can regain trust in us by seeing our actions. It's not bad - but you should decide if you want to go NC or not. It's important in order to allow others in this support group to continue.

 

Stop telling yourself you do things badly - that is also a good step.

[gee]

Honeyspur, not letting the ex know about NC is ok, correct? You know my story if you have read it.

[SamT]

Yeah i mean i feel better that i got my point out and it finally felt like she was listening to what i want - rather than herself.

She told me i could go NC..and she said we could talk whenever im ready.

 

Feels good to regain some control of my life .. i have to say

 

Guess ill sleep on it!

Good Night! x

[honeyspur]

Absolutely gee!!! Absolutely. If I could give you a gold crown right now, I would.

[wyrllish]

4th day

 

Been keeping busy lately and I know I'm doing much better than I was 2 months ago. Course I still want to text her but I won't. Really going to try for this to be the month where I fully back off...hopefully she'll contact me though Yes I still would like her back but can't really do much about it except try to improve myself everyday.

[honeyspur]

Goodnight Sam - glad you found clarity today

[bostoneric]

ugh almost 3 months and i've seem to have slipped back into a funk.

last few days have been pretty horrible. i know its all the alone time i have now.

my apt is still totally empty besides a mattress. i'm still trying to figure out a way to get my stuff with minimal contact with the ex.

 

last we talked on sunday she said to me that I should be over her by now.

I dont understand how she can say such things to me.

she has never understood how much she hurts other peoples feelings/emotions, she just doesnt get that and never has. she's very selfish and is never wrong in her eyes.

 

anyways.

1 day at a time. i'm almost @ 3 months and it still sucks.

my heart hurts everyday.

[honeyspur]

((HUGS to you boston))

She wants you to feel better believe it or not - hopefully you'll see that as the days go by....

[gee]

I tell you it is tough to maintain NC at it's highest level.

 

The reason I asked was because she thinks I am this DOG, I am not(she accused me of having "women" when we broke up)! She might think the worst of me now that I don't reply to her messages. I imagine if she is checking her email for a reply? Oh well...

 

thanks!

[gee]

bostoneric, man she sure sounds selfish to say that to you..."you should be over me by now!" That's uncalled for! She wants to hurt you. Thats not cool man. That's why I think NC is a way better approach, but I understand you need to take care of your business. The faster you do it the better I guess?

[honeyspur]

gee - Who knows right? She has a big imagination - something you certainly cannot control. I think you know in your heart this NC is going to take you somewhere - the selfish part of us wants both - to be free but still have them chained. Heck, I know I felt that way for over a year! Don't worry - it's a part of the process.

[gee]

Over a year? WOW! I know its been 2.5 months for me and it hurts at times very bad! Last Friday was BAD for me walking around work teary eye! I almost called her, but managed not to. I'm really trying but I hope I can get over this in less than a year. I hope I meet someone that will value me, but not now..not ready! IF I had "women" I'd be cured by now!

[honeyspur]

Well it wasn't every day mind you, it was more like what dragon lady mentioned a few pages ago. It comes and goes.

Just like Getmeback - who was having a relatively smooth ride with her NC - she hit a bump and stumbled. It's the same with those feelings really.

[lexion]

day 3

 

i'm feeling down today

why is it that every night i fell happy

but when i wake up i feel down again

i've tried to recall my feelings at night but failed

it's almost as if yesterday never happened

like i'm trapped in one day, the day after we broke up

 

i've been keeping busy lately, but it's really hard to consentrate

and i used to brag to her every time i acomplish something

i miss that today

 

btw, can somebody tell me about rebound?

definition, positive, negative effect, etc

[honeyspur]

rebound goes back to physical need and automatic response.

I have been in the rebound game, felt aware of it, but I think my body drove me to it in a way. Throughout the rebound relationship a voice in my head kept saying, 'this is a rebound - you shouldn't do this to this new guy because he really feels things for you'. I did my best to be honest you know? I told the rebound guy my suspicians and he said let's try and find out anyway.

And it was a rebound. And I learned a lot from it. And I think my ex felt better knowing that I still chose him after everything, as weird as that sounds. And the rebound guy and I parted on good terms.

 

I think the negatives are extreme feelings of guilt and regret. You always end up realizing something you liked about your ex because the rebound person doesn't have those qualities.

 

Even the worst things can be good somehow.

[lexion]

>honeyspur

thanks, i don't really know what rebound actually is, this is my first break up

 

do you think you can forgive someone if they already has a feeling for someone else in the last year of your relationship?

i mean forgive them if you get back together

[messenger05]

Night of day 4 of NC...

 

I feel like i'm starting to feel a little better but fell for the facebook pictures again tonight! Still nothing incriminating on there which made me feel better but still struggling throughout the day... i'm starting to feel like things might not work out for us... that is really depressing

[honeyspur]

yes, it happened to me I think it helps being very honest - there's just something about honesty that helps you move through things quickly. Honesty is sometimes admitting how you know how screwed things are at this time. Like I said above, I KNEW something was wrong about it, but I needed to find out anyway. You still get hurt, you still feel guilty, but really the processing goes much smoother and quicker.

 

My rebound only lasted three months and I know it's because I did everything correctly. I separated from ex before coming into contact with my rebound, I told my ex the truth about my rebound after we met up and told my rebound all my doubts and feelings.

I broke from rebound with honesty and respect - was strict about NC with both people so I wasn't with two guys at the same time. It was kind of embarrassing at times, admitting I was doing all this, but I just dealt with it. It's liberating in a way to admit how confused and weird you feel and then be forgiven. That way you can forgive yourself as well.

[Mmt2618]

so i managed to not respond tonight. was out with friends all night so i shut my phone off so i didn;t get tempted to respond.

 

her text was in my post. did i screw up by not responding tonight or did i take an important first step.

 

don't care at all about that stuff so want to tell her to trash it.

 

drafted a response saying - u can trash em - both have seen better days. but if you wanted more, i'm around...

 

what do you all think?

 

i was going to send it tomorrow morning

[honeyspur]

Well I'm not sure because if your trying to do NC, then your going to break it and have to start over. Of you're ok with that then I say send it. My only concern is - you still seem conflicted about whether you want her back and that will trip you up and not help you stick to NC.

If you don't care about that stuff AND don't answer - what are you really losing? If she really wants you - she can wait a month for you. And I think you really want her to want you, right? Lots of thinking to do - good luck Mmt - do what's best for you!

[GetMeBack]

Well Day 18 STILL and to be honest with you...

 

Depression is overwhelming me...

 

Have ran out of my prozac so that could have something to do with it too..

 

Just keep crying all the time..

 

Will get more tablets..

[lexion]

is it healthy to rely on prozac?

 

day 3

the 19th is her birthday

should i say something?

if i do, i have to reset the NC from 1 again right?

would it be better if i don't say anything?

 

i'm feeling happy btw, i don't know why though, maybe it's the stories here

[DuRuffio]

Okay - so it's Day 14 for me. However, on Day 12, I mailed her a blender (along with some very nice jewelry, it was supposed to be her anniversary present). So I think that counts as breaking NC, because it should be getting there today. Here was my rationale for sending it to her: 1) I already had a blender, 2) She wanted a blender (and I bought it for her), 3) She doesn't invest a lot of emotions into objects, anyways (like, she still uses a lot of stuff I bought her during the relationship).

 

So here's how I feel about it - I feel like I'm on a string again, waiting for her to acknowledge receipt of the gift. She hasn't e-mailed yet - is it because she's mad that I broke NC? Or is it because she's just thinking things over? Or did she not come home last night? Agonizing to wait for a response, assuming one is even coming (and I suppose that's not necessarily a given). So I guess I don't feel good about it.