THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[flyoffthewall]

That is hurtful, being with some one so long. My ex was soo nice and understanding after are breck up. Then after talking the next day she did a 360. I asked her for my things back and would respect her space, by getting my things from her brother when she is not thier, she just told me do stop bothering and get over it. like i said the day be4 she was like no i care about you. Ur a great guy. you can get your things. I do not know why people do this, but it happeds. Thanks for sharing. Good luck

 

Thanks, good luck to you, too.

[flyoffthewall]

Hi Titch, sorry to hear that it is still rough going. It is natural to have a setback now and then, so don't feel too bad. I feel that I know what you are thinking -- that you can't stand being without him and that you have to do everything you can to keep him.

 

I think that from your words, above, though, that you know it is over and that it is unhealthy for you to try to be friends with him. You know that there is nothing you can possibly gain from contact with him, but you can't help yourself. Again, I've been there, have done that. You have to ask yourself why you still are contacting him, though you know it is very likely to cause you more pain. Is the problem one of self-confidence, that you feel that you will never be with someone as good as him again? If you think that highly of him, then you must be a good and attractive person for him to ever be with you. You will find someone again, but first, as you know, you have to move on.

 

I know that it is hard. Maybe you can set some small goals for yourself -- staying in NC for a short time, or seeking support from a friend or family member that you trust. Having other, non-romantic relationships will make it easier to stay in NC when you want to.

 

No matter what you decide, I feel for you and you have my support, if you need it.

[deleted-account]

Today has been the hardest day emotionally in months. Fighting to get through the holidays

[yo]

Day 10..

 

Going through soooo much of other s**t in life that I don't even have time to think about the ex And I thought that the breakup was one of the worst things that could happen to me lol

 

I really want to initiate contact. Was thinking about texting on NYE, but I am sure she's not going to reply back. So, whats the point. I guess I will wait till her b'day in mid Jan and maybe leave a voicemail (I am sure she's not going to pick up my call) But, I want that voicemail to be unique, want to make her feel special. I don't expect anything from her. If she atleast acknowledges it, I'll be more than happy!

 

This NC is really made me distant from my ex. She seems like sooooome straaaaaaaaanger now. I am sure she would have healed and moved on too. I guess it's a two way street and I should be OK with her moving on. And since I'd known her only for a couple of months, I am sure she has nothing much to think about me or miss me. So, I guess its all over for me.

 

Stay Strong everyone. Time heals. Time really heals.

 

BTW, I watched a movie with friend(girl) last night. It was good. We watched a movie, chatted, cooked something. It was fun!! Made me feel that there are indeed other girls with whom I could have fun and I don't really NEED my ex anymore

[titch_p]

Thanks so much for your advice, encouragement and support.

Funny that you said about me trying some short term goals as today I just happened to come to the NC challange to say it's day one of NC for me.

I am absolutely determined this time to do this for myself because, after all, I'm really all I've got.

I am just so sick of feeling this way and I know that the more I have contacted him and he doesn't reply the worse I've felt.

I have to say this forum has been a life saver for me in that people have given me real insight into what's happening- I haven't been able to see things objectively because of this mental rut I've been stuck in. I truly feel I am 'not alone' on this forum so thanks to everybody who has kindly written to me.

So it's my first day of NC then and I'm feeling mixed emotions- anger at him, frustration, pain, sadness, regret ......... you name it I'm probably feeling it!

Anyway, I feel like I'm achiving something even by writing this and not writing to him!!

[titch_p]

I hope I can reach day 10 like you. It's great that you are having fun with other people. My Plan is to give myself treats if I reach a certain number of days to act as an incentative but I don't want to get ahead of myself as I haven't even got through day one yet Just wanted to say that people like you are an inspiration!!!

I did find it very helpful to read the article recommended elsewhere on the site yesterday: link removed and reading the article 'When the person you love doesn't love you'.

[J_man]

ok i'm in. i guess the last time i contacted her was december 16th (she replied on december 21). i broke up with her on october 28th. have contacted her 3 times total since the breakup, 4 if you count a call i made to her cell that she did not pick up after she wrote me back the very first time. so i guess today would be my 14th day of no contact.

 

the way things were left is that she would let me know when she is ready to talk. i vow not to contact her before that, and i guess it would be february at the earliest that she would reach out to me, but it could be march. i sure hope before april, yikes.

[foleno]

ok i'm in. i guess the last time i contacted her was december 16th (she replied on december 21). i broke up with her on october 28th. have contacted her 3 times total since the breakup, 4 if you count a call i made to her cell that she did not pick up after she wrote me back the very first time. so i guess today would be my 14th day of no contact.

 

the way things were left is that she would let me know when she is ready to talk. i vow not to contact her before that, and i guess it would be february at the earliest that she would reach out to me, but it could be march. i sure hope before april, yikes.

 

You broke up with her, and waiting for her to contact you. Whats your story. SHARING help every one have understanding and can give emotional relief at time. Thanks for Joining NC

[bostoneric]

yeah what is the story?

 

sounds odd since you broke up with her but are waiting for her to contact you...

 

 

damn you and my thoughts...

 

now you having me thinking if my ex is waiting for me to do the same!!!

[lovemeorleaveme00]

I didnt post yesterday..day 5

[flyoffthewall]

Glad to hear it, Titch.

 

Today is Day 17 of NC for me. Not a good day. Kind of angry at the world. But, it will pass.

[J_man]

You broke up with her, and waiting for her to contact you. Whats your story.

 

 

yeah what is the story?

 

sounds odd since you broke up with her but are waiting for her to contact you...

 

 

 

 

yeah, it's an atypical situation. i'm not sure if very much of this can be applied to other situations. this is unfortunately pretty long, i'm struggling to balance between being concise and providing adequate details. quick bit of background that'll help frame this (which i have only been able to see in hindsight), most serious relationship prior to this one was with someone who ended up being unfaithful and dishonest. that kind of influenced my attitudes, and i just kind of got jaded on the idea of relationships and didn't trust anyone really.

 

so i gradually entered a relationship with the current ex about 2 years after that relationship ended. i entered it kind of reluctantly, she seemed to be much more into the relationship than i was. after about a year, i felt it really was unfair for me to continue, if her feelings were getting stronger and mine weren't. so i broke it off with her. my first time breaking up with anyone. felt ok about it for a while.

 

we worked at the same company, different buildings. she was definitely using NC, i think just because she's so healthy, i don't think she's read forums or anything on the topic, she just seems to know what to do to keep herself healthy. she is also VERY stubborn and has said that once she felt someone wronged her, she cut them out of her life forever, and inflexibly.

 

after a few months, i just felt overwhelmed and saw things for what they could have been. spent nearly a month writing a letter, which i eventually mailed to her. her initial reply was cold, but within 24 hours of that reply, she replied that it had thrown her for a loop and she never expected it, and wanted to meet up. we talked, and took things VERY slowly. frustratingly so for me, but i felt it was worth it.

 

relationship grew very strong, and while i was still holding on to some of my jaded ideas regarding having no faith in people, it was super healthy. she expressed to me that she felt i was the one for her, for the rest of her life. a detail which i did not realize was important until months after the fact, i was switched by my pharmacy to a generic version of an antidepressant i take regularly. i can provide links of news stories if anyone's interested, it's pretty serious and the FDA is investigating. the medication's release mechanism is very different and causes it to be ineffective, causing serious returns to depression.

 

i was starting a new job and was very stressed. this was back in the summer of this year. i started becoming more and more miserable, and didn't really know why. we both assumed it was the job. steadily, and increasingly fast, i kept getting worse. irritable, sad, withdrawn, miserable. she very healthily initiated a conversation saying that my behavior was changing, and we should try to work on it, becaseu itw as impacting the relationship. not sure how familiar people here are with clinical depression, but it seriously limits your ability to see beyond your own self, and can remove the ability to feel hopeful about anythign or to enjoy anything.

 

a few days after her talk, just feeling more miserable than ever, i broke up with her. i made sure to do it face to face, but i just kept telling myself "don't get talked out of it" before doing it. so i basically said whatever it took to negate the things she said. she said not to make a decision like this when i'm clearly not feeling well, and there's lots of stress. she said this was a tough time, and that couples get through tough times, they just have to work through it. i said i wasn't willing to work at it. she said perhaps it would be healthiest to take a break, i said those never work. she said she'd wait until i was ready, i told her not to and that she should find someone who wanted what she wanted. i told her that i saw no future in the relationship and that i assumed it would end within a year anyhow. she said she coudln't imagine being with anyone else, and she woudln't be able to get over me.

 

after the breakup, i continued to feel even worse. lost 12 lbs, unable to eat hardly, etc. a week after, i sent her an email, apologetic and said that i have not been feeling like myself, and she did not deserve that. i said when i was on the receiving end of something like this, it would have been very vindicating to learn that the dumper had made a mistake and regretted it, and told her that i feel this way, and hoped that would help her. a few days later, she sent a VERY clinical, cold email, saying thanks for that, it has given her the closure she needs to move on. said we had both unintentionally hurt eachother, and that's how it goes, and our relationship was special, but not meant to continue. she hoped in time we could be friends. naturally, i felt gutted, but didn't write any more, i knew not to pester her.

 

 

2 weeks after the breakup, i went online and searched around and found hundreds of stories of people who've had their lives turned upside down by the generic version of this medicine. it was an indescribably cathartic thing, i was weeping, because i had assumed it was all my fault. i thought i was a terrible person if i could take the happiest relationship of my life and throw it away for no good reason. i wanted to explode, because i wanted to tell her that none of the things i said i meant, and to explain it all. i went to see my doctor and described how things were going.

 

she was very concerned for my health (depression, lost weight, no appetite, terrible sleep, no exercise). she also was very touched by the situation with the girl, she could see how clear my regret was, and she said, as a person, not even a doctor, i'd like to explain to her about depression, it sounds like she may not understand it. as it turns out, the girl is the one who had referred me to this doctor a few years before, so they know eachother. i said i woudl like that, but didn't want to make the decision instantly, i wanted to think it over. a week or so later, she did call her, the doctor told me it was a very long conversation, where she was interested and asked questions. the doctor asked if i had been contacted yet, i said i hadn't.

 

i spent like 2 weeks putting together this photo album i felt said everything i wanted, all these wonderful pictures, etc. basically expressing things are not clear right now, but i'm not giving up and would like to talk to her to share perspectives. she sent an email back that basically said that was very thoughtful, thank you, the relationship was special, i don't have any resentments. she said the most rewarding experiences in her life were rewarding because they were difficult and she had to go through them on her own. she was not ready to see me, and when she was, hopefully we both would be doing wel, so we could speak. she said she felt time didn't lessen feelings or sentiments if they are important or significant enough. have a nice holiday. pretty clinical, use of past-tense for the relationship.

 

i re-read the book i had sent, and realized my enthusiasm had kind of made me express things not very clearly, and i felt she had the impression i was either trying to undo some resentments, or to try to get back together right away.

 

i spent the next 10 days writing an email. i agonized over this thing, as i had all of these communications, revising, etc. until i felt it was just right. i explained that i had really only been trying to ask for one isolated conversation to understand where the other is at. i said that perhaps she felt things should be obvious to me, but they aren't. i have no idea what her perspective is, and i felt healing goes best with the proper information, and i didn't understand what threat information posed. i said i respect her wishes, and get the message she's not ready. i refrained from telling her any of the things in wanted to say in person. i said that for my health, i do need to know one thing. if she had already made a decision that there will never be a relationship between us in the future, and woudln't be open to anything she might learn, i need to know it now so i can deal with it immediately as i try to get healthier.

 

after about 5 days she replied, she said thanks for the letter, it was thoughtful and thorough, she respected my honesty. she said she's not making any decisions about us until she's in a better state of mind, less emotional. she said she'd try to be reasonable and open-minded.

 

so i'm just waiting now. it's pretty messed up. i feel this whole meltdown with the depression was actually a good thing in a sense, it forced me to let go of some of my old, self-protective attitudes. it's forcing me to reevaluate things, and to admit that i have to fully embrace the sitaution. i want to be with her for the rest of my life. i don't think i woudl have come around to this perspective very soon or very easily had i not had such a severe crash.

 

however, i have now broken up with her twice. she is very overprotective of herself. i'm sure her family or friends would advise her to just walk away. i woudl do the same if i were on the outside and did not know the things from my perspective that i've explained her. i feel we're so much better positioned to make this work now. i feel like the sentiments she expressed were very strong, and i feel they don't just immediately dry up. the things i said i did not mean. i was blindsided by the medication issue. but i feel that even though i have so much hope on my side, i'm not sure if i should. it's goign to take a miracle i feel for her to accept my side of it. it's very odd that i turned the tables and made myself the one who's hurting and asking for someone to be reasonable and open-minded. it's all the things in reverse. i want this more than anything, and even if she says no, i'm not certain i will give up. but i know i've got to give her complete space adn just stay away and let her have her life. so it's pretty difficult. i know tht for my own health, it's best to just give up and move on and get healthy. but that's not what i want. time will tell i guess. sorry that was so long

[lovemeorleaveme00]

day 6..i feel like i dont care anymore..

[lovemeorleaveme00]

Going to see the ball drop tom( if nobody backs out).I saw this news and you can make your wish and it will be mixed with the confetti..I still love my ex very much but im letting go..but still i made that wish..that we get back together!!! that's why im in this thread!

 

What if he's there and he got a confetti with my name and im wishing for him.....

 

so make your wishes for 2008 and hope they all come true!Happy new year!!

 

 

 

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[bostoneric]

day 6..i feel like i dont care anymore..

 

I've lost track of the # of days, i'm guessing 5 now.

 

nights and mornings are the worst.

I keep telling myself she doesnt deserve somebody as amazing as me in her life!

its her loss!

 

she can enjoy her drama filled life with all her childhood issues taking toll on everybody who tries to get close to her!

 

I'm better off without her. I should feel lucky this didnt happen in a few months when we were planning to have a child together!

 

:splat:

[titch_p]

Today is hard as I really, really want to say Happy New Year

However, my rational mind tells me that the last time I wrote to him a few days ago I did wish him a Happy New Year. I also know that if I write (thinking 'well, I did the polite and friendly thing even if he didn't' How awful and angry am I going to feel when he doesn't write back?

How rejected and stupid will I feel?

I don't want to wait for a possible reply. If cares about me I shouldn't have to initiate contact and chase them]

I joined one of these dating agencies yesterday but felt sick after I'd done it. I was trying to put myself into a different mindset. I just can't do it right now. I think there may be more chance of me joining the nunnery at the moment.

I don't think I want anyone because I need to care about myself. I want to learn to be happy alone- not to feel inadequte by societies standards or 'on the shelf' because I'm single at 32!

I don't feel as angry as I did yesterday, just sad I suppose. I feel different emotions all throughout the day. Reading other peoples posts on here has been extremly helpful.

Anyway, I've reached day 2 so I'm very happy about that, albeit small, achivement, what's that saying?- a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step..........

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE HERE!!!!

I'm sure 2008 is going to be a great year for all of us, full of new and wonderful experiences, new strength

[yo]

Today is hard as I really, really want to say Happy New Year

 

I have been feeling the same titch.. Just feel like wishing her once!

 

However, my rational mind tells me that the last time I wrote to him a few days ago I did wish him a Happy New Year. I also know that if I write (thinking 'well, I did the polite and friendly thing even if he didn't' How awful and angry am I going to feel when he doesn't write back?

How rejected and stupid will I feel?

 

That is TRUE. They are NOT going to reply back and we will end of sad, stupid, hurt and angry. So, the best option now is to NOT DO ANYTHING!

 

I don't want to wait for a possible reply. If cares about me I shouldn't have to initiate contact and chase them]

 

Yup..exactly my feelings!

 

I joined one of these dating agencies yesterday but felt sick after I'd done it. I was trying to put myself into a different mindset. I just can't do it right now. I think there may be more chance of me joining the nunnery at the moment.

 

I think it's a bit too early for you. Just take it easy for a while. Enjoy being with yourself, take some time off to reflect. Don't force yourself into dating other people. It will happpen, you will meet new and wonderful people

 

I don't think I want anyone because I need to care about myself. I want to learn to be happy alone- not to feel inadequte by societies standards or 'on the shelf' because I'm single at 32!

 

You said it all youself!

 

I don't feel as angry as I did yesterday, just sad I suppose. I feel different emotions all throughout the day. Reading other peoples posts on here has been extremly helpful.

 

Yes, going through the cycle of emotions is v common especially at this early stage of NC. Let me warn you, there will be days when you might feel extremely happy for a moment and extremely sad the next moment. Everyone goes through this wave of emotions!

 

Anyway, I've reached day 2 so I'm very happy about that, albeit small, achivement, what's that saying?- a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step..........

 

Well said. STAY STRONG. Time is the best healer. In a few days, you will slowly start thinking less and less of the ex and then you won't even care what they're upto!

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE HERE!!!!

I'm sure 2008 is going to be a great year for all of us, full of new and wonderful experiences, new strength

Wish you the same!!

[S agapo]

I too want to wish him a Happy NY. Just out of politness and I suppose if i was to be a honest hoping to get a reply back. Not that it will happen. I didn't send him a Xmas msge either. Once again I really found it hard to stay away from typing that text msge. BUT I did! Its was sad and disappointing that I did not get anything from him, so what difference would it be should I now send him a Happy NY. He hasn't sent me anything since we broke up so I haven't heard from him since..and its been 8 horrible painful months. I don't get it how someone can change so much and not know who u are anymore. Where did those feelings, words, time spent together go?!

 

If I was to send him a msg then I will be kicking myself again for not getting anything back. NOT only that but for continuing to chase him.

 

And your right in saying if they did care they would contact us, and we don't have to chase them.

How many times do we have to? and not get anywhere.

Back of my mind I say if we put total stop, he will truly forget me, but then again it may give them a bit of curiosity. Not clutching to much hope on that tho.

Got to stay strong

[ycmanvs]

Day 31. I started feeling very sad this morning knowing that he will not be there with me to celebrate the New Year, but then I reminded myself that things were not going well between us and that I am better off alone.

[yo]

I've lost count of the number of days.

 

I want her..I don't want her...I want her...I don't want her!!!

 

I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love or respect me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't care if I am living or dead. I can't waste my life based on her whims and fancy. I really deserve someone better.

 

So, it's NC for LIFE!

 

So, here's wishing you all a very Happy New Year..Hope this year is filled with happiness, good health, fun and FINDING TRUE LOVE

[J_man]

holy crow. i came to post, and there was no doubt in my mind that i was going to be putting like 3 or 4 more days onto my count. boy was i shocked when i did the math. uh... i only started posting here yesterday. so i'm on day 15 of nc. dang, this last day has felt like a week. i've done a lot of reading here, i think that's part of why it feels like i've been here for so long.

 

she's in hong kong for the holiday, at one point today i thought, i wonder what time it is there, and checked and it was 5 am on new years day, i didn't realize the time difference was so large. then i realized it's doing me no good to wonder what she's doing. dang

[fivespot]

I've been on No Contact since November 12.

 

I think I'm doing well.

 

However, she did break it the first week of december to tell me she missed me so much! I told her to leave me alone but then later she called bawling her eyes out. So, stupid of me I know, I took the bait.

 

Then around christmas, we talk again (first time since she calls up crying) and basically denies that conversation ever happened.

 

I told her I'm tired of her games. And since I haven't even had a serious talk with her since October, I told her I didn't even know her anymore...basically, small loss.

 

She didn't take kindly to that and we got into another fight, but I think she'll finally leave me alone this time.

 

As far as I'm concerned, NC is still in effect and that little "burp" we had was just to assure her that I'm serious about it.

 

I will not be texting her tonight. Starting tomorrow, 2008, if I never see her again it will be too soon.

[bostoneric]

its pretty amazing that we are so similiar right now.

 

 

mornings are the worst for me, every time i pop awake @ when we would get up for work and I hope it was all a nightmare.

then i sit there watching the clock knowing exactly what she would be doing....(well when we lived together anyways)

 

I've lost count of the number of days.

 

I want her..I don't want her...I want her...I don't want her!!!

 

I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love or respect me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't care if I am living or dead. I can't waste my life based on her whims and fancy. I really deserve someone better.

 

 

So, here's wishing you all a very Happy New Year..Hope this year is filled with happiness, good health, fun and FINDING TRUE LOVE

[latebl00mer]

i just joined this website last night and I really find it very helpful.

 

i want to join this challenge as 1. I got the urge to text 12mins ago (midnight for NYE) 2. I've been NC since Nov 8th but the still get the urge to text him

 

He sent me a text message on Dec 10th (to ask how I was) and Dec 25th (Merry christmas!) but I have NOT responded to both.

 

I feel like I might crack any day now..but, at the same time, I don't want to deal with the fact that 1. I have to dig up tons of * * * * to retrieve his business card for his number (I erased it) 2. what if he doesn't respond?

 

I really feel guilty for not texting back on both occasions but I know this is the rigtht thing for me.

 

I deserve so much more.

 

So, I will post everyday to check up on my progress (and every one else's...)

[titch_p]

Yesterday he called me to wish me Happy New Year. I was very shocked as I didn't expect it.

We had a pretty nice conversation of just general news in our lives but I felt myself extremly conscious of what I was saying e.g. not wanting to sound too sad, happyor how he would interpret anything I said!

Not feeling so good though because I feel that, perhaps, he called me more of of guilt that he knows I still love him. I feel an emptiness really.

What was also hard to listen to was him telling me how he has been going out to various parties and events with his friends and having a great time. It was so hard to listen to that.

There is also a part of me thinking that I'm a very selfish person because surely if he is happy and going out with friends and enjoying himself. We are in completely different countires so shouldn't I wish him the best and wish him happiness?

It seemed as if he was being careful not to say anything that would uspet me but I still feel this 'being friends' siuation is near impossible for me. In some ways I'm glad we're on good terms but it kills me to still be in love with him and know how he's happily living his life without me.

I have to try and stop myself from not thinking about who's he with? what's he doing? what's his new girlfriend like? Is he having such a great time with her?

I am absolutely resolved not to contact him anymore unless he contacts me because I just can't through what I have been. I want 2008 to be a fresh start for myself.

We aren't really friends- well I'm not because I still love him. I want to be his friend but I've really realised that the way I feel right now it isn't really possible.