THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[bostoneric]

spazmy you make some amazing points in what you've said!

 

thanks for being able to see through my fog!

[Irish Jax]

Officially day 2 of NC. It is hard. When I do not keep myself busy, I think about him, but I know this is what is best for me. Not knowing where he is or what he is doing actually is better than me calling him and not being able to reach him.

[bostoneric]

you are right, i have 3 years of pictures, cards, letters, gifts any memories that go against everything she is saying right now to hide her feelings.

[lovemeorleaveme00]

hi foleno..yeah my Ex ex contacted me after months of silence..It was a long distance relationship and he emailed me explaining things.It just so happens that Ive already met someone else and I already stopped caring about him.It can happen but also it depends.Its different for everyone I think.The thing is if the love is still there and they come back and they still mean to you then things will be alright.Sometimes you're in that state of mind and you think its love but actually it may not.

[Irish Jax]

Mine is a long distance situation as well. Day 2 for me and sometimes I am doing great. Others, I am wondering if he still cares or if he will ever call me. How long before you felt better about everything and how many months passed before he contacted you again?

[lovemeorleaveme00]

hi irish..that one was about 5 months..I emailed him,called him nothing.I think he was cheating on me.He was done and I stopped so it aroused his curiosity so he contacted me again wanting to get back.My current ex was totally different.

[spazmy]

you are right, i have 3 years of pictures, cards, letters, gifts any memories that go against everything she is saying right now to hide her feelings.

 

 

Buddy, I have four years of the same. It doesn't make any sense. How people do this is beyond me. To see all that material makes my heart cringe. But then, I do think it was real. Which is why I am saying that what she is going through right now does not make any sense to her. My ex started doing the exact same things she did with me with the new guy. It was horrible to watch. It was like deja vu. On her facebook page, the same greetings, honeypies, and sweeties that she used to give me are now directed towards the other guy.

 

It takes strength and courage to see beyond this. And what lies beyond this?

 

The truth my friend, the truth.

 

The truth is simply this.

 

You are processing and she is postponing processing.

 

But it all comes back. Life is long. And there is only for so long we can run from ourselves and the ones we love before we are forced to face the truth of our actions.

 

If you did wrong towards her, then face it now like a decent human being and have compassion.

 

For what she did, leave it to her. She alone is responsible and knows what it means, or will definitely know what it means

 

Hang in there and have courage and patience. Two of the most beautiful qualities in this world. With them, you will get past pretty much everything.

[lovemeorleaveme00]

Hi Irish Jax,me again..Ive been thinking about your question..How long before I felt better about everything..For mr.ex no.1..I cried a lot i think it was also due to my ego but someone took the blues away and that's mr.ex 2 which lasted 3.5 years and I cried again but mr.ex 2 is totally different from ex 1.its been 8 months and Im still in love with him.I dont know when I will be over him but if its up to me,I dont mind waiting on him for a little while.Looking back now with the first one ,I just dont know why i cried over that relationship but I also learned a little something from it.I think of that guy and I dont feel anything but just someone I met in the past.This current ex,is the one I am afraid will haunt me for a long time because the love was real.

I hope there's no more ex.3...but what Im really trying to point out here is you know your ex's character and its a case to case basis..If I dont get this ex 2 back,Its gonna hurt but I want all the best for him.The other guy?? who's he again??....

 

 

 

Mine is a long distance situation as well. Day 2 for me and sometimes I am doing great. Others, I am wondering if he still cares or if he will ever call me. How long before you felt better about everything and how many months passed before he contacted you again?

[miss_chris]

so i got this weird text today, well first it was a phone call. i didn't know the number so i didnt answer it. so then they proceeded to ask what i was doing tonight, i didt say what i was doing but asked who they were. turns it it is my ex's best friend. why would he text me? i didnt even talk to him unless i was with my ex. strange... so i asked if my ex asked him to text me.. no reply back............suspicious. if my ex wanted totalk to me wouldnt he just text me himself or probably didnt have the balls to. i'm not eve going to bother with it

[foleno]

Wow. That is strong on your part. What would he have to do any way to show you hes ready and cares. Stay NC

[lovemeorleaveme00]

yey,day 4 of healing time

[bostoneric]

yey,day 4 of healing time

 

I think I may be on day 4 also if you dont count an email to her asking her to send me my suit/jacket/shoes etc.. (work clothes)

 

so I can get started on finding a new job now...

 

 

:splat:

[lovemeorleaveme00]

Hey..I did 30 days already and I greeted him merry xmas with no expectations.I felt great so Im doing it again..i think its ok if you restart over and over .Whatever helps us.I used to over analyze things and now I just look forward to counting the days here..i hope in the future I dont have to count anymore..I think bostoneric,you need to finish up with what you have to do and be realistic about it.You need to get your stuff from her so get your stuff.Remember the rules? if there's an emergency?I consider your situation crucial because why do you have to spend when you just rightfully want your own things back??Too bad right? but she should have the decency to help you out on this one.I returned some of my ex's stuff coz I cared about him that he needs his stuff.Its what a decent person should do.

I hope you find a good job and I will keep all the broken hearted people in my prayers because heartbreak is something I wouldnt wish on anyone..take care

[bostoneric]

well during the "Break up" talk when I told her I was going to leave because staying wouldnt be good for me and I had to respect her choice, she promised me my stuff could stay in our house till I get landed on my feet. then she would pay to ship all my stuff to me, its the least she could do since I dropped my life to move x-country with her back to her home town to start a family.

 

I was just cleaning up some old emails and I went back to middle of nov and even with what I know now I still cant see when it happened. there was an email from late/middle of Nov where she just emailed me one day from work out of the blue during a crappy rainy/cold/foggy day to say "I love you"

I replied back its amazing how 3 simple words can make my day.

it had to happen the night she went out with this lesbian girl, it happened quick and fast, I feel she got caught in the excitement of something new she's never done before, and even still now shes caught in it and in denial about our relationship. making excuses for herself to make our relationship seem horrible.

its a shame she is doing this to herself because shes just going to end up getting her and it will come back to bit her in the a$$

[lovemeorleaveme00]

Im so sorry this has happened to you.You didnt deserve it.It hurts so much but you will get over it.Its what she wanted.This is who she is.Its not even about you,she just had to do this because she wanted to try it for herself.

She had it in her heart to do it.Even though it hurts so much and its too painful for you and Im not trying to make it light but if you have been married and had kids together if this is what she desires for herself she is bound to do it.I know some stories of heterosexual relationships and the other person still chose the other side at the expense the person they are supposedly love.I know someone whos living in a total lie.Its not easy but maybe in time you will forgive who she is or who she has become and Im sure she will think about what she's done on you.For now,she has come out of her closet and she just cant live with her old self anymore.Im just sorry that you were the sacrificial lamb.Im sure she wished she didnt hurt you the way she did.

I dont know but I am looking at this in another perspective.Im not justifying her actions.I wish she talked to you about her coming out but like you said its all new to her too.Its hard to accept but you have to..

[bostoneric]

I'd like more opinions on this part of an email she sent to a friend of hers she rarely see or talks to, really her only true friend in her life. all the other people are so called "friends"

 

then when i met this other person, i no longer wanted to even try to work things out. now for the shocker, the person that i have been seeing is a woman!!!!!!

i know, pretty f*cking weird if you ask me, but it's really not. she is this super hot dyk*, totally looks like a guy, but obviously is not. i just find her to be incredibly sexy and so sweet. so, do you think i am crazy???? we have been getting to know each other for the last 2 months and she is just an amazing person. so warm and kind, funny, smart, caring and so emotionally in tune with me. it's like being with a man but with a much deeper emotional connection that as a woman i have alway wanted from a man, but they could never give me. so i am dating a woman! i keep waiting for something to freak me out about it, but so far it has been wonderful. i feel like i have never been happier. i have futterflies in my stomach whenever i see her. now, don't get me wrong, i don't think i am a lesbian. i have never felt out of place with men, or have any sort of comfort level with the lesbian lifestyle. i am just drawn to this person who happens to be a dyk*

[lovemeorleaveme00]

Hey eric..I think she is infatuated with this other woman who was giving her the type of attention she was craving for.She's amused herself but how wonderful it made her feel to be connected to 'her'.She 's even shocked about it...i dont know what to say now really but she sounded like an infatuated high school kid.Its like she was swept off her feet by this woman and because she's on cloud 9 now with her..as long as it made her feel good,she doesnt care who she hurts even if it meant hurting herself too.It looks like this woman is just a rebound for her because she said she no longer want to try to work things out with you .It means there was a problem in your relationship and she just dropped everything for this person who's giving her the attentions she demands.I dont feel like that's gonna last.Not that Im keeping your hopes up but it feels like she's just using her as a cover up.

[bostoneric]

exactly the way I think of it. its a huge case of denial. when I think of her relationship history its so obvious. shes done this a few times in the past to some other good guys, she always had an excuse as to why it was their fault.

 

its a shame shes so afraid and runs anytime things get hard.

 

I love her so much, but I cant give unconditional love anymore to a person like that. she gave up to easy on "us"

 

its great to outside views on my relationship, I find myself getting a clouded view because my heart is so involved.

[lovemeorleaveme00]

thanks for sharing that email here.It must be tough too for you to have done that.hey you loved her and youll be away now from her so dont hurt yourself anymore.She's still the one living an experimental life.You're the one in pain because youre the one with the heart.She sacrificed someone who was going to give her her future over futterflies..butterflies whatever! you know what?My ex and I are broken up because he couldnt give me what you were willing to give your ex.Makes me wanna pull your ex's hair and slap some sense into her face..and she said she's just drawn to her who happens to be a dyk??She could be drawn to anything that will satisfy her selfish wants and needs..just let it go now..she doesnt deserve you!

[lovemeorleaveme00]

hey eric .im going to sleep now..i hope you get some rest and i hope the butterflies in her stomach turn into worms that will crawl out of her skin..ok i got carried away..time to zz

[MNmike]

 

and even still now shes caught in it and in denial about our relationship. making excuses for herself to make our relationship seem horrible.

 

Mine did the same. We talked tonight, I told her all my feelings. She felt like I was trying to make her feel bad. Which I assured her more than one I was not. I just needed to express what I felt. She told me before i didn't tell her how I feel. Well I did and she couldn't take it.

 

She tried to say things to me to make me feel bad, but I didn't let myself get upset, even when she said she is seeing someone, and is now happier than when she was with me. I ignored it and kept on with what I had to say. She could never take defeat in any situation, argument, anything. She always knows better, and is always correct. I didn't argue, didn't criticize her, I made sure and said nothing that was actually any kind of attack towards her. Although there are many things I believe she did wrong. She had no real reason to fight back, yet she still tried, searching for any thing, and the things she brought up were from years ago, weird seemingly insignificant things. I think she was really searching for reasons to convince herself I was trying to hurt her by telling her my honest true feelings. That I should've said these things a long time ago, it would have made all the difference THEN.

 

Yes I know I should have said some things, I may not be in this situation now, but probably would have eventually. I think with this girl, I could never win. If it was not one thing that made her feel unloved, it would have been something else. Especially when she was unwilling to let me know there was a problem in the first place. Can't play a guessing game, and can't pass all the hidden tests, when you don't know your being tested. i still loved, love her but she just doesn't see the big picture. Her upbringing was in a house with 2 poeple that were never willing to compromise, fighting, and then ignoring eachother. And she is an only child. Yet she KNOWS what a real loving relationship should be. When in reality I think she is looking for some fairytale. Sorry hun, but life ain't like that. Things don't always just falll into place, it takes hard work at times. And we men don't just KNOW what you want or need all of the time.

 

Still hurts like hell, still miss her a very very much. But now have some closure. I tried, gave it all I had, layed all out. She refused me. Nothign more I can do. Hard times yet ahead of me. I know that.

 

I know I said it before, but today is truly DAY 1 of my NC. I can only hope things get better from here. I know they will slowly, but not without the obvious pain that I'll have to deal with. :sad:

[lovemeorleaveme00]

hey MNmike.youre welcome here.time heals.believe me

[spazmy]

Eric,

 

I agree with lovemeorleaveme. While I see your pain, all I can say is that she is a free person, free to fall in love, free to be with whom she chooses. Also, remember, relationships most often fall apart because people fall apart together. It may appear one sided, but the sad but liberating fact of the matter is that both of you must have felt uncomfortable at some level. If she needed you to respond at a particular frequency and you did not, then that is because you are who you are. It is no fault of yours. Maybe you can be a little more emotionally available, but if going beyond a certain point makes you to feel violated and to become something other than you are, then you did very well to protect yourself. Maybe she needed more care, more "futterflies" than you were willing to give. But that is her issue.

 

As goes the bit on the other person. Well, as we all know, this is how crushes grow and then, one fine day, come to a grating halt.

 

What seems strange and attractive initially, becomes a pain to have to live with on an everyday basis. There is a growth phase - which is what she is in now. Time will also reveal a "dip" phase - where she really sees the unpleasant side of things or how unpleasant the seemingly pleasant things about her current flame are to her. In any situation, heterosexual or homosexual, it takes time to get to know what the other person truly is. The crush phase is the excuse to open onself up to the possibility of love. But then, over time, it may or may not work out. It is hard to say. Just remember that crushes are never meant to last. When familiarity sets in, that is when the real work of love begins. And that is when, as we all very well and very sadly know, our exes bolt from the manger. Life unfortunately is not a bed of roses. But for those who seek a bed of roses every waking day, chances are that there will be very thorny moments later. I really do not wish this on anybody, least of all my ex. I do so want her to be happy with her present boyfriend. But at the same time, a part of me feels sad for her, over how I have helped contribute to her viewing the world this way, and how much pain she underwent through her childhood and through the times she was with me.

 

 

But what is done is done. It is in the past. Look towards the future Eric. Find somebody who will understand you and the depth of your affections without your having to work so hard.

 

And also, do not be bitter. Remember, like you, your ex is mystified over this mystery called life. Perhaps she chose a different path to find her answers. Would you really grudge her that if you truly loved her? Have compassion and give her the freedom that she wants. If you look at it this way, not only will you be able to know that you loved truly and absolutely, you will also be able to let go of her with the right feelings in your heart.

 

Wish her well buddy. You do not want her to suffer do you? Let her get to the places she really wants to be. Be good my friend. Be good.

[Irish Jax]

Officially day 3 of NC... I am missing him alot and although I know what I am doing is best right now, once again those weak moments come where I just want to reach out and talk to him. He asked for some time away and space and I just hope he is getting all the space he wants. Its sometimes agonizing for me.

[foleno]

Hey I just wanted to say. Yes people who are in a successful lasting marriage do know what each other are thinking. John Gottman. has several books with research. Lots and almost to mach research. Ya you guy were on two different waves lengths so know. But when two people match up so well that is what keeps them to geather, they can not help it.