THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[musashi]

Today, I am just NUMB. I feel NOTHING. Infact I feel tired of thinking about her. My head hurts coz of all the thinking I've done for the last couple of weeks. She's not worth it. Nobody who makes you go thru pain is worth it.

 

Same here. Have not really thought much about her up until about an hour ago. Watched "Love Actually" (family tradition now) and had a few moments where I felt the emotions welling up. Other than that I have been numb as well to everything.

[bostoneric]

You don't get sleep or do you have nightmares about your ex (like I do )

 

i'd rather have nightmares, not sleeping is the worst thing you can do.

it takes a toll on everyother part of my life.

 

and when i finally do get a few hrs of sleep usually from about 4am-6:40am!!! I usually pop up at the exact time we use to wake up for work together

 

I'm also not eating very much.. I think i've lost about 10lbs in the last 2-3 weeks.

 

I agree with you. I am just going crazy sitting all alone at home. Most of my friends are all busy on vacation or with family. Everyone seems soo happy. Everyone seems to be having so much fun. I sooo want to be that person!!! I want to forget my ex, I want to move on and I want to HAVE FUN!!!

 

I spent the whole of yesterday outdoors on a road trip. It was nice but all I could think about was my ex. I kept thinking about the times we had gone on a trip like that. I was literally figthting my tears in the car.

 

Today, I am just NUMB. I feel NOTHING. Infact I feel tired of thinking about her. My head hurts coz of all the thinking I've done for the last couple of weeks. She's not worth it. Nobody who makes you go thru pain is worth it.

 

I couldnt agree more. today we were supposed to spend with her family, then head up to the mountain house for the rest of the week together alone sitting in front of the fire and enjoying the jacuzzi outside in the snow. then a 10day cruise together middle of jan.

 

instead i'm here with my parents (who I love so much) and she is probably out enjoying her new relationship, replacing any and all feelings for me with this new girl

 

 

[yo]

I'm also not eating very much.. I think i've lost about 10lbs in the last 2-3 weeks.

 

That's really not good my friend. Pls take care of yourself!!!

 

 

 

instead i'm here with my parents (who I love so much) and she is probably out enjoying her new relationship, replacing any and all feelings for me with this new girl

 

 

 

I think you should be happy and feeling lucky that you are atleast with your parents who love you like a million times more than your ex. All I can say is, please be thankful and happy for what you have and don't feel sad about what you don't.

[bostoneric]

this true, I am very thankful of my loving family and my true friends who are there for me. everyone of which has offered their house for me to stay at for as long as I need to heal.

 

with this experience I've learned who MY true friends are and who were just her so called "friends". its a shame her "friends" influenced her decision, I can say I would never tell a friend of mine that cheating and giving up on a relationship to "try" something is the right choice..

 

some friends she has....no wonder every friend she makes is suddenly her "best friend" and she is unable to maintain a true friend for very long.

 

 

 

 

I think you should be happy and feeling lucky that you are atleast with your parents who love you like a million times more than your ex. All I can say is, please be thankful and happy for what you have and don't feel sad about what you don't.

[spazmy]

Hey Bostoneric,

 

Stay strong buddy. Please take care of your health. I know it sounds hard right now, but it will pass. Take it easy. Baby steps. YOU come first. Get yourself back in order, and who knows what will happen. What you will have is yourself though. Forget about her friends. Trust me, everybody is trying their best to make sense of the situation in these times. Loyalties go either way. But nobody, in their right mind, will forget you if you have been good to them.

 

One last thing.

 

Everybody respects the strong in this world. Strength of mind, strength of actions, wellness of body and independance of thought.

 

Keep all these with you. And trust me, things will be good and who knows, she may even come back. But the day you will have all of these qualities, you will be too far gone.

 

Stay well. Eat well, sleep well and do well.

[bostoneric]

her coming back after I've already started my new life is something I see happening and something I'm afraid of.

[spazmy]

Bostoneric,

 

that is the one fear we all have. That they will come back when we would have moved on and we still have love for them somewhere within us but cannot go back to them for whatever reason.

 

But sometimes buddy, all the love in the world ain't enough. Once you have moved on, you will immediately know what is right for you. And then, there is nothing to fear - in fact you will pity her when she comes back. Do not fear moving on and treading into the unknown. Remember, we always live in the unknown. It is only our fear of it that allows us to tell ourselves that we live in or with something familiar.

 

look at it this way.

 

You will miss out on really knowing life and this world were you to not embrace the unknown. You will be impoverished of so much.

 

Forget about her.

 

What about your growth?

 

Your development as a human being?

 

Arise warrior Arise. Step forward and do not fear what you meet. Even if it is her that you meet, you will know what to do at that time. For now, you must lose your fear.

 

Sorry to sound like Emperor Palpatine to Darth Vader.

 

But really, I do have a flair for the dramatic ;-)

[MNmike]

Screwed up and called the ex today. Last week we talked and she said she thought we could see eachother this weekend since shes in town from grad school. I said I didn't think I could. She seemed a little angry.

So today I thought what the hell, we haven't seen eachother since the breakup, and I'd be ok with one last visiy before she goes back to school.

Well, she didn't call back. I thought that was a possibility that she would not, since I was the one to say I couldn't see her first. So now I'm sure she's thinking, 2 can play at that game, although I'm not playing games. I honestly wanted to see her, since our breakup was over the phone last month, long distance, and we had not seen eachother since October. So I had to break NC, and it just made me feel kind of bad, when I got no reply.

Now I know I HAVE TO STICK TO NC from now on. I tried to be nice on Christmas, and I got nothing. Damn holidays do this crap to us.

I know its over and have to fully accept that we just won't see each other, maybe not for a LONG time, or ever. That ever part really hurts to think about.

So NC day one starts tomorrow.:sad:

[bostoneric]

the unknow is all i have as a constant right now.

 

i left "our" house with 2 boxes of clothes in my car an no plans.

 

i found myself about 16hrs (drive) away crashing with friends in LA.

 

right now my short term goals are to find a new job and new place to call home.

 

and of course to heal my broken heart.

 

I feel she will be back once the excitement/drama/attention of her new first time ever girl/girl relationship wears off and her "friends" become bored with her wanting attention all the time.

 

I found this on this site

"people throw away the good things in their life searching for something else, only to wind up with nothing."

exactly what will happen to her.

[foleno]

the unknow is all i have as a constant right now.

 

i left "our" house with 2 boxes of clothes in my car an no plans.

 

i found myself about 16hrs (drive) away crashing with friends in LA.

 

right now my short term goals are to find a new job and new place to call home.

 

and of course to heal my broken heart.

 

I feel she will be back once the excitement/drama/attention of her new first time ever girl/girl relationship wears off and her "friends" become bored with her wanting attention all the time.

 

I found this on this site

"people throw away the good things in their life searching for something else, only to wind up with nothing."

exactly what will happen to her.

 

Hey focusing on a new job and place is good. That is the first time I have heard you talk about doing something for you on this site. Remember your a person, people throw away things. Thier will never be any one like you. Your are the first and last person like your self to every grace this green earth. We are all special and rare. Don't forget it.

[bostoneric]

I need to focus on getting myself back up on my feet.

idol hands = the devil

i find myself during idol times thinking about her, but right now i also have a hard time focusing on things I need to.

 

I'm still heartbroken, shocked, hurt, and saddened this this all happened when we were making plans for our future together...

 

 

Hey focusing on a new job and place is good. That is the first time I have heard you talk about doing something for you on this site. Remember your a person, people throw away things. Thier will never be any one like you. Your are the first and last person like your self to every grace this green earth. We are all special and rare. Don't forget it.

[MNmike]

her coming back after I've already started my new life is something I see happening and something I'm afraid of.

 

5 yrs ago I had an ex want to see me 3 months after I told her to never call, e-mail, or anything.

 

She was a very emotionally damaged person, and wanted to be my friend and see me alot after she broke up with me, while she was seeing her new wonderful BF. I knew I shouldn't see her, but I kept getting pulled in. And finally I couldn't take it anymore, and BOOM I went off on her.

 

When she called, I was seeing my current ex. I didn't care at all.

 

Also my current ex broke up with me in Feb 05. We Started slowly getting closer, I tried very hard to show her I wanted to be with her again. 6 months later we had a fight one night after having some drinks, she would not talk to me and was crying and being very stubborn. I took her home and threw her keys in the door and said "F#@K THIS". I was done, I tried so hard. The next morning when I woke, 5 minutes after I said to myself I was never calling her again, the phone rang. She came over, brought ME flowers (girls its nice to get flowers too as a guy), took me to lunch, and apologized. We then were closer and ended up getting back together until she broke up with me again last month.

Things happen when you least expect it. In my case when I've accepted it, and I'm done with the struggle. They both wanted me back.

I do not forsee that happening a second time with my current ex, as she is now seeing someone, and is 500 miles from me. But when I finally am DONE with it all, I'm sure something good will happen. Actually I'm counting on it. Just seems far away at the moment, as I am not OVER the current situation.

[bostoneric]

yeah I agree, just when you seem to almost be gone they reel you back in.

 

I'm sure she will be back its more a matter of how I handle it is what i'm afraid of...

[MNmike]

Hopefully by that time you won't have think about it, if you've moved past it, it will be instict that tells you what to do. It'll be easy. It was for me.

[musashi]

Went NC immediately after the breakup. NC lasted 3 weeks. She tricked me by calling from someone elses phone. I was a little tipsy out at a bar and answered. When I realized it was her, I went into how happy I was and how some really good things had happened in my life (which was all true). She actually said "I thought you would have called me by now". I guess she was surprised that I did not call and beg, plead, etc. after the breakup. I kept the convo upbeat and never mentioned the relationship. After about 10 minutes I then asked her what was going on with her. She started to respond but I told her I had to go because some friends were calling me over (which was also true).

 

The next morning she called me and left a voicemail saying she "had a couple things she wanted to share with me". I called her about 9pm and we talked for about an hour and a half. It was nice but no real hints at reconciliation.

 

Few days later I sent her an e-card for Thanksgiving. She replied. I went NC again with my goal being 30 days.

 

Day 28, she called and left me a voicemail saying she was just wondering how I was doing and wanted to wish me happy holidays. I called back a few hours later and we talked for about an hour. She sounded a little down. I ended the convo telling her I had to go back in the gym and finish my workout (which was true). She said she wanted to call me later to finish our conversation. I unblocked her number from my phone.

 

She called about 9:20 later that night and we talked for 2 hours. Her life has really been on the rocks and she was telling me how she was checking my myspace page, writing in her journal about me, watching my football team on Sundays, keeping up with their score and whatnot, and just a bunch of stuff to let me know she was thinking of me. I told her that I had ridden down by her town a couple of weeks ago and she wanted to know why I did not meet up with her. I explained that I did not want to bother her and was not sure where she was at with having another boyfriend or whatever. She exclaimed to me that she is definitely not wanting another relationship right now (i believe her) and that anytime I was in town to give her a call so we could hang out. We ended on a positive note but still no attempts from her to offer reconciliation.

 

The next evening I called her to share with her that my son had taken his first steps. It had been an emotional day for me and I just really wanted to share with her. Her conversation was not quite as open as previously and I got the impression that she did not want to make our talking a habit as before. We talked for half an hour. She ended the conversation with "have a good weekend" which led me to believe she wanted no contact for the weekend.

 

Today, being Christmas, I decided that if she does not initiate contact to wish me Merry Xmas then I am going on a strict 30 NC. Unfortunately for her, she did not call. I again blocked her number on my phone. I will not be here for her to share her feelings with and I need to work more on myself.

 

So, all that being said, today is day 1. Again.

[Crows]

Well I texted the ex a happy merry christmas.

 

She recriprocated 5 hours later., I sent one back asking how she was. She hasnt responded.

 

I duno if it was a right thing to do. but she texted and wanted to talk to me lately and now has gone distant again... i duno...

 

maybe she is weighing her options with the guy and me now.. all I can do is wait.

[Sickboy48]

23 days NC and it's all good. I heard my ex is in town starting tomorrow. I doubt she have the balls to try to come over my place, since my sister would beat her lol.

[foleno]

Wow that is a lot of push and pulling. You are very strong. Anything like that with my ex would send me throught the roof. In some ways it easy doing NC, but when those opportunities present themselves they can be inviting. You did the right thing by re-blocking her number. Good luck on NC

[titch_p]

Thanks very much to all the people on this site and your postings, it is very comforting to feel you are not alone.

I'm really going to try no contact and if I can manage this then I think anyone can. I must have been the most obsessive and crazy idiot person ever, desperatly clinging on to the relationship like a bull terrier,

 

My ex insisted that he wanted to be my friend after we split and, although, I knew that many people said the 'being friends' route when you're still in love with someone is not the way to go I tried it anyway.

However, although initially, when he was going through a hard time, he was contacting me all the time so I felt great (he even said, at one point this september, that he still loved me.) I was, at this time, working long days (I work with kids so it's pretty intense anyway) and I was knackered at the end of the day but I really wanted to be there for him because he was soo depressed at that time and I was there for him. unfortunately, although I tried not to, I found my hopes increased- like he dangled these carrots and I jumped for them- thinking if I'm a really good understanding friend then, maybe, one day he might think he still loved me.

However, he then got some new friends (possiblity new girlfriend) and the contact became practically non-exsistent. I've found myself writing regularly to him with lenghty, funny and interesting emails (non- emotional- just friendly and happy and it was hard to do that when I just wanted to say I LOVE YOU!!!!!!) and then getting a reply once a week of a few lines. These emails were different now though- not like before, he hardly tells me anything much, he just doesn't seem bothered anymore. I felt like he wasn't really bothered about me anymore but when I said it was too difficult being friends he would get really upset (this happened just two weeks ago) and say he was so glad he met me and I am such a wonderful person and that can't we be 'pen pals'?.

He wrote avery short message last Friday and signed it 'your best friend' but then never wished me happy Christmas yesterday? apparently his sister said Hotmail was down but I can't understand why he couldn't have called? Surely, if I'm his 'best friend' wouldn't he want to wish me Happy Christmas? I got really angry and upset and said I was very hurt but, of course, stupidly appologised afterwards thinking maybe I was expecting too much.

The thing is he's been saying for weeks he'll call me- then he doesn't. I felt so rejected and upset after I spent so much time writing happy and funny stuff for him and putting aside my feelings now matter how hard it was.

I just don't know if he's using me- sometimes I feel like an old toy that he might take out of the toybox and play with sometimes.

I told him yesterday that I just can't handle being friends and I'm sorry.

I just don't know what I can do other than NC? I feel like I'm on this rollercoaster of my own creation and I hate it but I can't get off!!!

I've been through splits before and swore I'd never felt or act like this again but I am and it's horrible.

I really want NC for myself, to heal but I just hope in those dark hours I don't end up apologizing, saying how much I care for him, saying I'll still try and be friends?

Like I said, if I manage no contact then anyone can because even though, at moments like these, I'm feeling strong, in the middle of the night or the early hours of the morning I get this urge to ring or email him. It's like an addiction, a physical knawing and pain that I feel will only be alleviated if I tell him just one more thing, if I appologise, if I just speak to him? I am so angry at myself to act so weak and pathetic.

Anyway, I'll let you know tomorrow how I get on.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated,

Hope everyone is getting through Christmas okay.

[ycmanvs]

Day 26. He texted me on XMAS at midnight, but I did not respond. It felt horrible and liberating at the same time.

[flyoffthewall]

Not really. it was easy in the end, but as time went on I know she loved me. Man was i stupid to treat her how i did. well not bad, but she was alone in that relationship alot. so no it may get harder for you. You may just wake up and the spell is broke, but nothing can help change thier minds. Just leave them to themselve. if it ment to be it will be. Sorry I had no tips.. So what is your story. it help to share sometimes.

 

Thanks for sharing, foleno, and for asking me to share my story. I think that it is good that you are aware of how you acted. A lot of people might not be.

 

I got a divorce from my first marriage just before I met J. a couple of years ago. I had been married for just three years -- the divorce was as friendly as one could be -- we both realized that we had made a mistake almost from the start, and we tried to work on the marriage, but it was not really fixable. There was very little unconditional love / affection / sex in the marriage, so I felt good to get out of it, and felt lucky that our attempts to have kids did not work.

 

I met J. right after I got divorced, so many would say that my relationship with her was a rebound, and maybe it was, but it did not feel that way at the time. I felt so starved for affection, I felt like I had been single for years. So, J. and I met, and though our meeting was kind of random and was almost a one-night stand (we got together on the second night we met), it turned out to be a lot more than that. We were fortunate to have great chemistry, and to enjoy each other's company immensely. She also was divorced, years before we met, with kids.

 

So, to cut to the chase, we went out for two years. We got in a bit of a rut, I guess, during the last several months. We had a lot in common, in my mind -- laughed at the same jokes, were sexually compatible, similar world view, both not wanting more kids, liked to go out and do similar things. In her view, though, we were very different. She didn't like that we had such different jobs -- she works with animals, I spend most of my day on the computer. She wanted me to show more interest in her work and her friends, which I regret that I did not do more, though I had my reasons for that. She had expectations for me that were not unreasonable, but perhaps unrealistic, in that she wanted me to change a lifetime of behavior in a short time.

 

The thing that is hard to take is that I really love her and miss her. I am not even sure that we had/have a future together. But I loved being with her -- her attitude, her common sense, her eyes, her smell -- and for a long time I think that she felt the same way about me. But then I think she needed more, and when I brought up the possibility of taking our relationship to the next level, she balked, even though she had brought it up earlier. Like you said, perhaps -- it was too late. She broke up with me on the phone, and said she didn't see the point in us staying in touch. She said that she did not really even know me, and that I didn't know her. That was very hard to hear. I spoke to her or saw her every day for 2 years. I don't know how she could feel that way.

 

Sorry this is so long, thanks for getting through it. Any thoughts or questions?

[flyoffthewall]

Like I said, if I manage no contact then anyone can because even though, at moments like these, I'm feeling strong, in the middle of the night or the early hours of the morning I get this urge to ring or email him. It's like an addiction, a physical knawing and pain that I feel will only be alleviated if I tell him just one more thing, if I appologise, if I just speak to him? I am so angry at myself to act so weak and pathetic.

Anyway, I'll let you know tomorrow how I get on.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated,

Hope everyone is getting through Christmas okay.

 

To quote a cheesy Pres, "I feel your pain." Cliche, but true. I've been there, myself, and NC was once a lot harder for me, even though it is still difficult. At least I can do it now.

 

Everything in your post leads me to urge you to be strong and stay in NC for 30 days, or at least for as long as you can. There is nothing that you have said that makes it seem that he will ever be your lover again, even though he probably does still care very much for you. My advice is that you face the fact that this relationship is over, and move on. It does sound like an addiction, and addictions are unhealthy. He will sense that you are being clingy, and -- if there is any chance to get back together, which I doubt -- you will drive him away or he will take for granted that you will always be there when his new relationships fail. You sound like a good, faithful person -- you should show yourself the respect you deserve by letting him know that you are not available to him whenever he needs you -- unless he is always there for you, and unless you both want the same thing from the current relationship. I think that you can only do that through NC or by letting him know your true feelings -- and he probably knows your true feelings, even though you haven't necessarily come out and said them. Sounds like he is using you.

[Jeffster]

Hello Super Dave!

 

I think this challenge, at least in my case should be extende to ONE FULL YEAR!

 

And to show my support for this, I am taking the SD 1 year N/C challenge starting today, 12/26/08!

 

Good luck to all who dare!!!!

[Jeffster]

I meant to say 12/26/07!! Duh!!

[yo]

Hello Super Dave!

 

I think this challenge, at least in my case should be extende to ONE FULL YEAR!

 

And to show my support for this, I am taking the SD 1 year N/C challenge starting today, 12/26/08!

 

Good luck to all who dare!!!!

 

Jeff,

 

Can I sign up my ex for the 1 year NC challenge? Infact, make it a "lifetime NC" challenge

 

She dumped me and she's doing NC. I don't think I will ever hear back from her in this lifetime. LOL