Paranoia

[rebeccaapple]

I am feeling horribly paranoid and panicky at the minute. I got back together with my boyfriend the other day. We talked and we had a great couple of days. He's now gone back to uni. He hasn't really contacted me much since. Part of me is thinking "he's changed his mind" but then I rang him last night and he seemed like he was having a hectic time etc. This feeling in my gut is horrible though, I keep thinking "I have to phone him RIGHT NOW" and check things are ok. It's so silly because if he would just text me or email or anything then I would be reassured - so maybe he has changed his mind? He seemed so dedicated to trying to make it work. This is his last chance, if he messes this up it is over forever. Ugh. I hope he doesn't.

[xmrth]

This will drive you crazy and push him away if you continue to get paranoid, because you'll probably want to call and keep making sure. You have to trust that he's back with you and that everything is okay... he may even be approaching the relationship differently this time around, or maybe it's another circumstance like he's busy. Just be really casual like you're back in the relationship solid when you do get in touch with him and see how it goes.

[Mavis VDSande]

You have to keep casual and stay busy yourself. You're trying things out again together and it will take some time to be comfortable with each other.

 

Things are going to be different - so don't expect it to be like it was b4 you broke up. Also if you let on that you are worried/paranoid/unsure to him then he will feel like the strength of the rels is his responsibility. You don't want him to keep thinking he has to reassure you or nanny you emotionally.

 

Stay independent and figure out what makes you happy/busy.

[confused25]

Why did you guys break up?

[rebeccaapple]

He was fed up with being miserable at university and missing me, (we're long-distance) so he wanted to end it so he would free his mind and be able to settle down where he lives and get on with his studies etc.

[Mavis VDSande]

He was fed up with being miserable at university and missing me, (we're long-distance) so he wanted to end it so he would free his mind and be able to settle down where he lives and get on with his studies etc.

 

Why was he miserable at uni? Did you ever give him pressure about his commitment to you? Or was it study related? Did he feel "thinly-spread" with his time? Also did you guys both support each other or was it one-sided?

 

Thanks!

 

x

[rebeccaapple]

I didn't pressure him, but we did have an intense relationship that probably developed far too quickly. We both started prioritising each other and not putting as much time and effort into friendships and study. I can see quite clearly now all the mistakes that we both made.

 

Also, thanks xmrth and Mavis VDSande.. you're both right. I need to chill!!! I calmed down as soon as I read that and realised how ridiculous I am being. After all, I am supposed to be a feminist and can't go on moping about wondering what he's doing everytime he isn't in contact! I felt better. And then I got an email from him, I won't post it all (it'd bore you, lol) but he said:

 

"What you said in your email regarding our relationship makes perfect sense: I would like to have all of those things too. I feel happy and secure, but also excited about our relationship. It can be more relaxed and fun, so we can both have more balanced and less upsetting lives. And I know that I belong with you now. Argh, all of this seems stale and rubbish typed out but I think you understand...? I miss you...I feel all romantic again, like when we first got together."

 

So the plan is to try and make this work. But also to get back to myself again. To realise that I can make myself happy and that a partner is an added bonus. Does that make sense? Thanks guys.

[Mavis VDSande]

YES!!!! I'm happy that you feel this way - it's very positive.

 

A couple should not "complete" each other but "complement" each other! The more independent and emotionally secure you both are - the fruitful your love for each other.

 

Good Luck!! x