I didn't see she was the one before it was too late.

[Thomas from Norway]

I am well aware of the statistics when it comes to getting back together, but I refuse to become part of the statistics before I give my greatest love another try...

 

Here's the story: The break-up was due to problems we thought we couldn't solve. We both really loved eachother then, but my love couldn't see the solution to our differences (although I claimed that I could). She has told me in the aftermath that her feelings slowly dissolved when she realized that it wouldn't work - is this normal? Do people "force" their feelings away to make it easier on themselves? Further, two months pass after the break, and I'm starting to get over her telling myself that I could NEVER match with a girl who was that different and harmful to me. Then, on the night of my birthday, I'm out on the town with some friends to celebrate, and hey presto! there she is. I honestly have to say that the ground beneath my feet dissappeared and I was suddenly in need of some fresh air.

 

After that encounter I have spoken to her face to face and some on the phone, and I have stated to her that I still lover her very much. She says that getting back together is just impossible because of our differences. However, those words along with my realization of her being the one have forced me to really think things through, and I have discovered so many mistakes and origins of problems on my side - so few on hers. I'm really motivated to change myself, not only because of her, but because I see that no girl in any relationship could take me in the long run - my jealousy, my possessiveness and my self centered nature.

 

So what do you think? If the solutions to our problems lie in my hands, and I KNOW I can change: Do we have a chance? How do I proceed?

[arwen]

Hey Thomas,

 

Welcome to ENA! I think that if she thinks getting back together is not an option, there is little you can do. I understand that in retrospect, things seem clearer, mistakes you made more on your part then on hers. Even if that were true, these are lessons to learn from for the future and possibly for other relationships. I think that usually when a relationship falls apart, both are responsible for a part. You say that you were too egocentric, but it could well be that her behaviour triggered that in you and aggrevated it.

 

For now, you can try to keep in touch and test the waters, but seeing that she already said 'no', I am afraid you will get hurt in the process. It is true that getting back together, even if THAT happens, rarely works out. But it happens. The thing is, in order for a relationship to work out if it was already broken before, you need a mutual 200% commitment to work on the issues that led to the break up. Keep in mind that seeing her probably made you miss the GOOD things, but that there are probably a lot of things that you are glad are no longer part of your present life (fights, etc).

 

Maybe I can help you more if I have more background on the reasons of the break up.

 

Take care,

 

Arwen.

[jakanemo]

"but because I see that no girl in any relationship could take me in the long run - my jealousy, my possessiveness and my self centered nature."

 

Consider taking a break away from your self. I would do new exciting stuff and go see places, make friends and all that in pursuit of finding peace in heart and mind.

Have fun

[Thomas from Norway]

Hi, Arwen.

 

Thanks for replying!

 

Well, you see, I'm pretty sure that the only "provoking" she did was being different from me on certain points. I have come to realize that I'm too fragile and vulnerable due to past events in my life, and this really makes me dependant on security. I was too controlling with her from the start although I had no reason to: I really could trust her. She took it for a year and a half, so I understand that she lost faith, but at the same time a year and a half was the longes relationship for both of us this far. We REALLY loved eachother deeply in spite of all the trouble.

 

We talked on the phone some days ago and agreed on contacting eachother more (been in NC for two months now - with a few exceptions), and I've just been out to post a letter where I explain my recent inner discoveries. I'm well aware that it's really hard to forbode anything at this turning point, but I really can't let this one go without one last try for my one and only!

 

Thomas.

PS: I'm guessing you like Tolkien's work?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Having greater self-awareness is one step closer to patching up a relationship. Yes, relationships can be patched up, plenty of people break up, work hard at fixing the problem and get back together with a stronger relationship. I wouldn't say that the breakdown in every relationship is the fault of both people. One person is often more at fault than the other person. If you have recognized where you went wrong, take it slow with her. Let her see the new you on a friendship level. Once she trusts that the changes are for real, she may come around and want to renew the relationship.

[n83]

If her love for you is gone, it will be hard to get it back..

[Thomas from Norway]

Hi, Crazyaboutdogs.

 

Thanks for encouraging words!

 

These are thoughts I have myself. I want to convince her that I really can change the cource of things, but I understand that it may be too late for her part...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I would like to add that nowadays people are into serial relationships so if one is broken....NEXT. And then they find a whole slew of different problems in the next one....that breaks down....NEXT. And so on. People don't want to work at relationships anymore and that is why they don't last. Even if a relationship breaks down, if two people are willing to work at it, it can be built up again. The key is self awareness and then doing something to fix it. Also, the other person has to be willing to give their ex a chance.