I'm about to go to college. I have a boyfriend.. and problems. IN NEED OF GUIDANCE!

[futureUSpresident]

Hey guys. For starters.. I really admire people who do actually take the time to give advice to those who ask for it. Also, as an 18 year old female.. there are ALOT of things I still need to learn. Hopefully one of your opinions helps!

Heres the deal:

My boyfriend is 23 and I'm 18. We've been together since June, when I began working at my Mom's company temporarily (this became a full time position later in the summer, and is currently a p/t job.) Right away a few things stand out: 1) He's 23, I'm 18. That's five years. 2) He works with my Mom. Not exactly a comforting feeling for her. Things have otherwise been great. We literally spend very few days apart (I don't live with my parents, so I stay with him alot) and when we're together it's pure comfort. He's my boyfriend, but he's also my buddy and someone I trust. This isn't my first time in love, but it is with someone who treats me with respect, sensitivity, patience, and trust.

 

Problem # 1: Parents

My parents (or Mom in particular) is uncomfortable with a situation that incorporates her work life into her personal life. My family is nuts and it shows at gatherings and so forth, so she has done her best to separate the two worlds. Also, his age is of concern. With five years difference and at the point in our lives that we are.. I'm beginning adulthood, he's there. I'm going to college, he's not; and their concern is that if he comes with me, or if we stay together.. I'll be missing out on a huge social/emotional development period that I may live to regret.

 

Problem # 2: College

I'm going away in the fall and nothing is stopping me. Before Greg, college was my goal and with or without him.. college remains my goal. My education is VERY important to becoming a Judge and I'm not willing to give up the EDUCATION. As for the social aspect, yes.. I want to enjoy college to its fullest-- meet new people, live with new people, have real conversations, etc. but I also love Greg and want him a part of my life too. Now as easy as a LDR sounds, it's not -- not for me. I'm the type who needs my significant other within a reasonable distance or if not, separated for a reasonable time. He considered moving with me, but I'm not sure that makes sense (him leaving his job, my parents probably killing him, etc.).

Problem #3: Me

With these two external pressures, I'm pushing him away. It's almost as if I'm sub consciously attempting to find things about him that annoy me.. or that I really hate. This is new, and while it may be natural.. it doesn't exactly seem so. Confusion. This is why I need your help

 

 

Options:

- Break up now

- Stay together until college

- Attempt an LDR (probably pointless)

- Other

 

HELP! I really need assistance at this point in my life and obviously my parents are CAUSING a part of the issue. Any assistance would be great. Thanks!

[kickedin]

you are young.....take that for what its worth

[valiantv]

Regarding your job, I would say to simply be a professional - keep your love life apart at work, and prove to your mother that you are capable of not making things awkward in work. i.e. don't be kissing or hugging or anything while in work - keep it professional.

 

His age may be of concern alright, but I wouldn't worry too much about that as you are nearly in your 20s, and that's when age differences become much more blurred. In fairness, all other things being equal, the experience should make you more mature, and should be more of a concern to him (the older one) than you. Besides, don't they say girls are 3 years more mature than guys anyway?

But you seem to be onto a good thing, and it would be a shame to let that go...

 

Never having been in a long-distance relationship, I couldn't possibly advise on one. But I see no reason not to attempt it - it will either work out or it won't - if it does, great, if it doesn't, you'll have lost nothing. (Also is anything to keep him from moving to wherever your college is?)

 

As for Problem #3, You, STOP! Think rationally, it may take a bit of work to control yourself from subconsciously finding annoying things, but soon enough it will come naturally.

[jsx730]

"I'm the type who needs my significant other within a reasonable distance "

 

You know, as sad as it is, it really just doesn't seem like it's going to work then.

 

I would simply talk to him about it. Tell him you are not willing to try the LDR thing because you know in the end it will just cause both of you more pain. See what he says. He'll either:

 

1.) Get horribly upset (better now then later)

2.) Understand, and end things now.

3.) Understand and agree to enjoy your relationship while it lasts (until fall)

4.) Pretend to understand, and agree to date until fall, in which then he will get horribly upset.

 

If 3 or 4, it's up to you to read him and make sure 4 doesn't happen.

 

Good luck to you =)

[Batya33]

Given that you want to be a judge, I would put my education first and as far as the college experience, sure that is important (I graduated college but didn't live away from home - a mistake on my part but not a fatal one) but if you see yourself with Gregg long term I would give it a shot at doing both. Are you proud of/do you respect what Greg is doing? Very important in my humble opinion - and is he proud of you as well?

[Momene]

Statistically, LDRs seem to have a better success rate in the US than in the UK.

[Tex1907]

There is virtually nothing stopping you from being in a relationship. College is no big deal. If someone wants to see you they can take a bus or plane. Furthermore, they give you off for the entire summer and month of January. If you truly want it, stay with it. If not, head for the hills. Maybe you don't want to be in this relationship? What else could have prompted you to have second thoughts about it? It depends on what you want, not your parents or friends. The question you need to ask yourself is are you willing to work extra hard to keep this relationship given all these new circumstances????

 

Whatever you do though, don't let this get in the way with your life. It really is not that serious of a relationship anyway. If it were like 4 years I could understand....but its not!!!

[xmrth]

College hasn't interfered with my relationship one bit. I see my boyfriend on the weekends anyways but even when I do see him during the week it doesn't really interfere. So all week long, especially during the semesters, I go out to all the gallery openings with my friends, I can go to all the fun events and see everyone... and have that social aspect from college.

 

I don't live on campus, but plenty of the people who I know that do, are in serious relationships. And their boyfriends visit them as well as the other way around-- even by plane! A semester is only really 3 months long... and then there's the breaks and whatnot, especially in the long summer.

 

Don't go into it thinking it's doomed from the start. Let it play out how it will... work with it a bit, and see what happens. It could even be good for your relationship to have that time apart and to see how well you both handle it as a couple.

[n83]

It sounds like you have doubts about the relationship in the first place. If that's the case, don't bother trying to do LDR. Especially with you being in college, unless you're completely determined to be with him and make it work, you probably won't stay together. College life is different than high school. You'll be busy and meeting new people alot...

[futureUSpresident]

Hey Guys.

 

Thanks for the advice (it was a quick response!) thus far, and I want you to know that your advice is being heard! I respect everyones input (your input is what I'm in need of!) and appreciate your taking the time for all of this.

 

He means alot to me, and it is really about the extent to which I am willing to go to preserve the relationship; but, college is such a whirlwind change (or so I hear) and it will be incredibly altering, regardless of the fact that I know what its like to live on my own without parents. Him and I have spoken about this, and it's obvious he is not happy about the possibility that we could break up.. this is why I've come to you.

 

Thanks again, I will be keeping up with the thread

 

Ash

[Tex1907]

Everyone says that college is a change, but for me it was much easier than high school. You get off on Friday and nobody forces you to go to class against your will. That is the only difference really. Plus, you only have to worry about 5 or 6 classes. Otherwise it is exactly the same. I think its just a scheme to get people to fork out loot. Lord knows I have........

 

Just keep in mind that what the majority always says may not be entirely accurate.....

[n83]

Why not just try it and see how it goes?

 

My only concern is (because I've seen it happen so often) is that one person goes to college, the other person gets jealous and upset, and that causes fights.

[valiantv]

but, college is such a whirlwind change (or so I hear) and it will be incredibly altering,

It might be, it might not, but why not go ahead anyway. If you change so much that you think the relationship isn't working out, then is the time to make that decision, not now before you know what will happen.