oh my goodness tell me its not true!!!

[logicaldog]

I read your post and it is especially hard hitting for me. I am the mother of a 16 year old and a family therapist (and I used to work in a gay AIDS clinic) We are not Christians. You couldnt have any more open communication than we have in this family, we talk about everything and everything is on the table. My son came to me yesterday and said he thought he might be gay. What is this based on? (I have had no suspicions of this and it is a frequent topic ever-I have never doubted his maleness not because he is especially male but because I sense nothing of gender ambiguiety at all) He has never had sex but says that he isnt attracted to females (or up to this point has not seemed to be attracted to anyone-very busy, very nerdy, very smart...blah blah) He said that he has been attracted once to a male. (but nothing further than that) I do feel horrible and I think it is human to be judgmental. (and natural) I hear many of you giving advice to be nonjudgmental and I dont think that is real, unless you have walked in these shoes. I have worked with gay men and honestly, it is no life and that is the reality.

[KG]

My opinion only...take it at face value. Guys experiment. At 16, they half lie about what they've seen/heard done. They are curious, about themselves, peers etc. When I was that age, we had a neighborhood fort, far away from any parents. Before we discovered we could take girls there, it was a testosterone laden place. Playboys around, rough talk, actually a lot of BS. Some guys would go there to get off on the magazines, some would challenge each other to a "contest", ie masturbation and ejaculation. We were all very close, baseball, riding bikes, stealing ounces of our parents booze. We had the bravado, the swagger, but were cluelless about girls.

So we had our own world, the fort, where you could talk about anything, lie about everything, and try to figure out what was going on in our bodies/minds. I think this where your son is, not gay, just trying to work through it with friends.

All of the above posts help to explain this, keep your cool, take a deep breath! When the time is right, bring it up as best as you can..."Are you OK ?"

Is there anything I can explain to you? You CAN talk to me. Openess brings discussion. Maybe not right away, but he will remember that you are there for him. Shouting and the like closes the door. I hope this helps, in some way.

Good luck, and BTW, I don't think he is gay, just expressing masculine curiosity with his friends.

[glegend]

Are you sure your son is gay? If he has a girlfriend that must mean he is into girls? Am I not mistaken? To me I think he is experimenting, or they were just talking about sexual stuff and got horny and wanted to get rid of there little friends. I didnt read all then replies but if they were just playing with each others/self "little friends" then he isnt really having sex and he cant get an STD

[Mythical_Suicide]

Are you sure your son is gay? If he has a girlfriend that must mean he is into girls? Am I not mistaken.

 

Hun, in the real world that does not always mean one isn't gay.

 

But in all honesty to the OP, the chances that your son is gay is pretty far out there. Most teenagers experiment (as most others have said) although alot will deny it. Even now at 19 I still find myself "curious" and wanting to experiment with other girls but I am straight as they come! Even if your son was gay, could you honestly say you'd love him any less?

 

Oh, and welcome to the 21st century.. Kids having sex is the norm. No matter how innocent one thinks their babies are. (I was pregnant at 16.. Yikes!)

[missbexxi]

you gotta understand that at the end of the day, he is still your flesh and blood, and his god will still love him... i'm not religious but i understand that god made every single person, so how could he NOT still love you, your son and you family???

[glegend]

Hun, in the real world that does not always mean one isn't gay.

 

Oh, and welcome to the 21st century.. Kids having sex is the norm. No matter how innocent one thinks their babies are. (I was pregnant at 16.. Yikes!)

 

Well he could be bisexual, or he could just be experimenting. And now in the 21st century as you said people are starting to have sex more and more and younger and younger. Which I dont see why anyone is in the need to have sex at such a young age, its just sex.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think more kids do things like this now than they did when you were young because the media makes it look tame.

 

I wouldn't label him gay yet.

 

And being from a Christian family has never stopped a person from being gay. If it's meant to be it will be.

[piggypooh]

I have to confess, When I was 12, me and my best friend looked at each others "parts" just to see how we were developing. we didn't touch or anything it was just to ....see if "mine was the same as his" you know, teenage insecurities.

 

Also, sometimes guys pretend to be gay as a way of saying to each other "hey, immagine if we really WERE gay" and it can lead to showing off, pretending to touch each other etc but its all irony gone too far. It happens and maybe this is it.

Chances are, if your son and all of his friends WERE gay, then they would be too shy to show each other their parts. Big storng men always like to show off, like "locker-room" antics as another poster said.

 

At the end of the day, he's still your son and i'm sure this will blow over in time. Its a good one to tell his future best man !!!!!!!!

[JadedStar]

You may not want your son experimenting, but your son's body belongs to him. I have been reading thru your posts and while I understand your shock and embarrassment to bring this up to him, you sound like a very overbearing mother. this does not necessarily mean your son is gay. Boys are far more hormonal than girls. Just becuase you could never have seen yourself doing this does not mean he is abnormal. And christian upbringing has nothing to do with one's sexuality - if he were gay he was probably born that way. The only thing your christian upbringing will change is that he'll probably never come out and it could make him ashamed of who he is. I have seen this occur more than once in my lifetime.

 

But again, I do not think that your son is gay. I bet more teenage boys do that then you would think. Like I said teenage boys are near the height of their sexual peak and to them this is just release, not really about their own sexuality.

 

I think you should calm down and realize you cannot control your son's every move. He is becoming a young man and soon you will have little say in what he does. I would not tell your husband. If you think he will flip out then why even tell him? It will do nothing but embarrass your son and make their relationship uncomfortable.

 

I do not suggest you talk to him about this until you can calm down and get some outside advice from someone level headed that you trust, because if you go to him and have an emotinally fueled conversation where you attack and berate him, you are only going to push him away. How can your child ever come to you with anything if they feel they will get slammed and judged/criticized for it?

 

I was very careful when my kids were teens to approach them logically and without being emotionally charged when i found out they did something because I did not want to run the risk of one day they really needed me over something embarrassing or sensitive and would be too afraid to tell me.

 

Think very carefully before you talk to your son about this. Think about the best way to handle it, and i would not tell your husband.

 

By the way - if you are feeling embarrassed, multiply the feelings x ten and you will get a pulse on how your son feels. I am sure he is very very ashamed and embarrassed. Even moreso than you. My husband said his mother caught him masterbating as a teen and the cat happened to be in the room. he didn't even know it. His mother screamed like a wild woman and accused him of having sex with the cat. He said it was the single most embarrassing moment in his entire life - and he is 45. She called him a sick pervert and said "normal boys" do not play with themselves. i think a lot of my husbands self esteem issues he has tried to conquer thru his life were the result of her and her constant criticizing and demeaning of what he did as a kid. Don't be that mom.

[JadedStar]

I think more kids do things like this now than they did when you were young because the media makes it look tame.

 

Exactly. When we were younger the bar of what is considered wild and out there had not been raised quite as high as it is today.

[reknihtwols]

I tend to agree with many of the posters here, I just don't think your son is necessarily gay. When I was younger I went to an English all boys private boarding school, several of the boys there (and I do mean straight ones) engaged in just this type of behaviour. While I personally didn't see it, or take part I do know it happened. It just seems to be a kind of experimenting with your body, I really can't explain why it happens but it definitely does and it doesn't mean that he's gay. The only way you're going to find out more about this it talking to your son honestly about it and trying not to judge him over what you saw. If it turns out he is gay then just try to be there and support him, it doesn't make him any less your son it's just his sexual preference. I hope you manage to put your mind at rest one way or another though