oh my goodness tell me its not true!!!

[worriedmother42]

I cannot believe what I discovered last night! My son is 16 years old and he has a girlfriend so I never would've expected this, and last night he had 4 friends spend the night and they all stayed in his room. I woke up about 2 this morning with an upset stomach and made my way downstairs to use the bathroom. I stopped by and poked my head in his door to see if the boys were asleep and the 5 of them were PLAYING with eachother's private parts!!! I screamed and scared the boys and my husband woke up, and came running to see what was the matter.... I haven't told him yet, i've been so upset I called in to cancel work today and have been crying trying to look for an answer to see where I went wrong raising him? We are a christian family and now my son is gay? I never expected it! It is a complete shock to me and I doubt I can ever look at him the same! The friends he was with weren't my choice of people for him to hang around, but I never thought that they were gay also! What's going on? I need help! I feel like the world is crashing down on me!

[BellaDonna]

Hi there and welcome to enotalone. I am sorry you are going through this.

 

Try to relax as much as possible.

 

I stopped by and poked my head in his door to see if the boys were asleep and the 5 of them were PLAYING with eachother's private parts!!!

 

Well, I doubt you want to go into more detail about what you saw....but it might help shed some light on what was going and and why.

 

I doubt all 5 of them are gay. Was it lockeroom behavior where they were comparing size, etc? Were they goofing around?

 

I know this must be very difficult- but try to remain calm and don't jump to conclusions just yet. I once read an article that stated 1 in 4 teenage boys experiment with the same sex.

 

Be very cautious about how you approach your son about this. You want him to talk to you openly. If you or your husband yell, scream, flip-out or punish him from seeing his friends he will just close you out of his life.

 

BellaDonna

[flower99]

I'm not sure what comfort I can bring, but I wanted to let you know...this MAY not mean he's gay.

I'm 24, I have a guy friend of mine who is straight. But he once told me that he's 'touched & played with guys before when he was 14' he told me that most guys have, it means nothing just experimenting.

 

But whatever you do, remain calm & casual when talking to him. Bella gives great advice (:

[BellaDonna]

I recall that one of my friends' teen brothers was caught masterbating with his male friend from high school.

 

He is heterosexual.

 

There could have been so many things that led up to this:

 

*curiosity

 

*comparing one another to see if they were "normal"

 

*Perhaps they had some kind of pornographic material (PlayBoy magazine, etc.) they were looking at earlier and this resulted from it.

 

You won't know unless you ask him, but you must be VERY CAREFUL about how you ask him. If you attack or condemn, you will never get any answers.

 

 

BellaDonna

[worriedmother42]

I don't even think I can talk to him at all about this! It's hard enough to talk to him or do anything like watch movies or whatever that are "sex related" its not an easy thing for a mother to talk to their teenage son about. I've felt sick all morning and my blood pressure has risen high... my husband is worried about me but I can't tell him what I saw yet... it happened so fast I don't remember exactly what I saw, I didn't stand there and watch, I was so shocked!

 

They all had their shirts and socks off but shorts on But when I saw them they had their shorts barely pulled down just enough to "have it out" and I did see my son and one of his friends masturbating eachother with their hands!!!! But all 5 of them were RIGHT THERE within arms reach of eachother. Today feels like it will never end and the vision keeps playing in my head of them "playing" with eacother.

[BellaDonna]

What do you think your husband's reaction will be?

 

Do you think he is more comfortable talking to your son about this?

 

They all had their shirts and socks off but shorts on But when I saw them they had their shorts barely pulled down just enough to "have it out" and I did see my son and one of his friends masturbating eachother with their hands!!!!

 

It could have been a "contest" or a "dare". Who knows.

 

I would not take this one incident to automatically mean he is gay. But someone has to talk to him, and in a gentle manner.

 

He will be so alientated if he thinks he cannot talk about sex to you or your husband. What's done after this incident could either shed light and understanding on this or cause a major down-hill spiral of him distancing himself from his parents.

 

BellaDonna

[Axel3sRoxas]

I think he's just experimenting, I mean, whats the chance of all five boys being gay?

I know I used to experiment with girls when I was 16, and I'm straight. It's just curiosity. This must be frightfully embarrassing for you both, more-so him, so I would suggest not to approach him about it, not yet anyhow.

Even if he does turn out to be gay, or bi-sexual, he's still the same son.

[worriedmother42]

HA! I'm actually the one who would take it easy in this situation. My husband would FLIP OUT OF HIS MIND! It's hard to tell what he would do, he is a VERY manly man.

[BellaDonna]

We are a christian family and now my son is gay?

 

I just wanted to add one other thing. Even if your son is from a Christian family, if he was indeed gay, it really doesn't have a much of bearing on the situation, IMO. If you look at most of the literature on homosexuality, it reveals that it is biological. It has nothing to do with the way you raised him, what he was taught, etc. So don't "blame" yourself.

 

But do not jump to conclusions about his sexuality just yet. If you talk to him about this, I don't think you should accuse him of being gay either- just ask what they were doing and why...

 

BellaDonna

[worriedmother42]

I'm surprised so many of you comment about kids experimenting with eachother? When I was a young girl I never heard such a thing?! I don't want my son experimenting! Now every time a friend is over I'll feel this urge to spy and I'll keep thinking of excuses to why he can't invite someone over or something, I just know it! This will bother me and I won't be able to sleep every time he has someone over or is out somewhere and I'll worry about what he may do!

[BellaDonna]

I don't want my son experimenting!

 

This is something you will never have control over, whether it is with males or females. I know it's hard, but it is a fact of life for many teenagers. They will experiment.

 

When I was a young girl I never heard such a thing?!

 

That does not mean it was not happening..... unless people get caught (as in this case) you may never overtly hear about it.

 

As a parent of a minor you have the right to set boundaries. Maybe limiting sleepovers is a good idea if makes you feel more secure.

 

But the truth is, there's only one person who has to answers about what this was all about...what caused it and why.... and that's your son. IF you talk to him the right way, you may be able to get those answers. I'm sure he feels equally devastated and very embarrassed right now too.

 

BellaDonna

[keenan]

hi there. i'm so sorry you're feeling shocked and overwhelmed by this. as others here have pointed out, he may very well have only been experimenting. i realize and respect that that may be its own shock to you, as you may not have thought about your son being sexually active until now.

 

i don't want to minimize your pain, but i think it's also important to maintain some perspective so that real damage isn't done to your relationship with your son. your 'worst-case' situation seems to be that your son is gay. IF he is gay, please at least remember that he's still your son. He hasn't changed--it's your expectations for him (and his future) that have changed. It can be a huge shock to realize how wide the gulf is between your expectations and reality, but you can work through this. Your son is still alive, he's still healthy, he still loves you. He'll still grow up to be a fine person, you'll still be proud of him, and you'll still be a part of his life as he grows older. YOU are the only person who can change that.

[Biffy]

I have a FEW hetrosexual male friends that have admitted to this kind of activity at that sort of age. It's a very confusing time.

 

Could be experimentation, could be that your son is gay... Would that be such a terrible thing?

[flower99]

experimenting is part of life. We may not want it for our children, but they are bound to do so. whether it is thier sexuality they experiment with, drugs, crime...ect. it's how we learn. how we find out for ourselves what truly brings happiness & what brings emptiness.

Being a christian mother, turn to God right now. Seek his wisdom & guidence on how to handle this. And pray for his peace that surpasses our understanding. And trust that God is still caring for, protecting & loving your son

[birdgirl]

Have you considered the possibility that you shouldn't tell your husband? Won't that cause your son unnecessary problems? I think this kind of behavior is more common among kids than most will admit. I am quite sure the last thing your son would want is for his dad to know. Their relationship may suffer. I feel that you owe it to your son to keep this secret for him.

 

Whether he is gay or not, if you treat him differently after this, then he will feel shame. That is the last thing you want. This could cause him many problems down the line. He may even begin to question his sexuality, whereas if you act like everything is normal, this may pass and he may never experiment like that again. He may end up feeling shame over this incident in the future anyway, into his twenties -- you should proceed carefully so you don't exascerbate it. If you act like things are "weird" he may feel weird, and he may decide he is gay when he was really just experimenting.

 

At least you didn't walk in on him raping his girlfriend. Being gay is certainly not a worst-case scenario.

[i_am_me]

What would you have done if you saw him with girls instead of guys?

 

The thing is that no matter what, gay or not, he is still your son. It's really not that big of a deal and it is NOT his fault. It angers me so much to see people discriminate against gay people. It's not that person's fault. They didn't say "God please make me gay so I can disturb my parents" it's just a reaction they get. Something that they cannot change.

 

Anyways. I'm kind of going off of track. Like the others have said he could have been experimenting...Whatever you do, do not yell at him. If I were you, I wouldn't tell my husband. Your son is sixteen and it's really embarrassing to talk to your parents about personal problems at that age. My advice would be to find someone who your son talks to, perhaps an uncle, brother..etc. that you could ask to talk to him about it.

 

What you need to do first though is calm down. It happened. You can't change that. Don't accuse your son of anything. Just try to find out what was going on without embarrassing him or pissing him off.

 

It will all be okay.

[arrrrffff]

That is your son you are referring to. You should in no way be discriminating him no matter what his actions as long as he isn't comitting a terrible crime - there are other acts which you should be 'freaking' out about.

 

You as a parent should be calm, and be approachable. If you start going into tirades or showing that you are all scared, you will drive him away. He WILL seek help from other people. You and your husband should be the ones he doesn't hesitate to approach. Please don't blindy call people gay; and even if he is there should be nothing wrong with it. He is still your son and you still love him.

 

He's young. Talk to him. He will probably be a lil' mad that you walked in on him, but tell him that you are here to talk.

[Budman]

Albeit I'm not a parent of that age but I have a point I feel needs to be made.

 

The harder you push, the more likely the outcome you don't want.

 

Also, if your son is gay, why (if this is true) would you not love him anymore?

 

Isn't he still your son and the child you love?

 

I'm christian too, but if I remember correctly Jesus says we are not supposed to judge.

 

Also, on top of that, being Gay does not like he commited murder, or is a serial rapist. There are much worse things.

 

Again I'm not saying he's gay, I'm just saying maybe just maybe you are over reacting.

 

Here's a question for you,

 

You have a choice, only these 2 options

 

Dead or Gay. What would you choose?

 

I'm hoping gay, because at least your son is alive and able to live well still

[RayF]

Hey all, thought you might want a males perspective on things...

 

I'm 22 and I will be honest in saying that growing up I have never had the desire to engage in any homosexual activities, and neither did any of my male friends. Or anyone that I’ve ever heard of, that wasn't gay for that matter.

 

However, there was this one fellow who I was friends with who found it humorous to expose his penis to us. One time he actually pinned down my friend and rubbed it on his cheek. this guy thought he was being funny but it was clear even then that he had problems. Personal problems because this guy is completely heterosexual and all of his acts were a desperate cry for attention.

 

Now... that being said, it seems more socially acceptable for girls to engage in this experimentation than for men. You see it all the time on TV. This brings me to my next point, maybe he's rebelling?

 

You mentioned you were catholic. I too was raised catholic so I can understand how stifling the religion can be when it comes to discussion or ideation about sex in relation to anything other than procreation.

 

In fact I had a girlfriend once, with wonderful moral values and extreme catholic parents and she rebelled against the religion because of that. One way was by sexual experimentation with another girl. This upset and confused me; she summed it all up to curiosity. It took me a long time to realize that people get "curious" about different things for different reasons and just because I don't share those feelings I can't say those people are wrong in doing so.

 

Please understand that I’m not making any judgments here, just objective opinions based on observation and experience. I just wanted you to hear a males perspective on this situation. Good luck, talk to your husband and maybe a doctor to see how to proceed with this situation.

[Suesser Tod]

I think you are quite confused here...

 

Has it ever crossed your mind that your son, is a person, with a mind of his own?

 

Is he gay or not, I don't know. For what we know, they could be experimenting, they could have been playing some sort of dare game, or a spirit told them to do so. None of us was there, none of us knows why they did it.

 

 

Trying to find someone to blame, is very easy, that way you can "explain" to yourself the "problem". Even easier, take the blame yourself, now you are in control.

 

 

But either way, none of this is:

 

a) A problem

 

b) Your fault

 

There are two separate things in conflict here:

 

1. Learnt values

 

2. Personal preferences.

 

 

Sexual preference is not a learnt value, terrifying about your son being gay is.

 

 

I can't remember since when I've liked women, I can tell it was early in my life, as I started masturbating when I was like 5 years old, and nothing got my mind going like the mental picture of a naked woman.

 

None told me to like women, I found that by myself, as that is a personal preference, inherent to my characteristics / personality / whom I am.

 

Fearing homosexuality is a learnt value, something that was taught to you. For example, the Greek thought there wasn't a more perfect form of love than homosexuality.

 

Remember the old saying, men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Its just a way to say, men and women can't figure out what the other thinks. So, how can there be love if there is a fundamental misunderstanding between both sexes? That is how the Greek thought.

 

Now here comes the Church. Turns sex into this, devil-ish thing, that is even considered a sin. Obviously, humanity could not exist without sex, so they allowed it only for "reproduction".

 

Obviously gay / lesbian sex will never have a child as the end result, so by definintion, it is a sin.

 

 

You learnt that homosexuality is bad, that is why you are terrified. Could you do anything against it, no.

 

 

 

Now, from your post, I can see your kid is 16 years old. That means that you've loved your son for 16 something years. Does last night change who he is, is he a different person? No, he is the same person you had loved for the past 16 years.

 

Accept who he is, accept him for who he is, and don't let your learnt values blind you.

 

By the way, stop trying to blame someone, as there is no one to blame, nor something to blame for.

[worriedmother42]

thanks for your responses everyone.

 

i'm definitely worried about him being gay, but also just the thought that my son is having SEX at age 16! i never expected him to do that and i don't know if it is the first time or if it will happen again or what if he contracts an STD?

 

those are the things bothering me

[Dara]

thanks for your responses everyone.

 

i'm definitely worried about him being gay, but also just the thought that my son is having SEX at age 16! i never expected him to do that and i don't know if it is the first time or if it will happen again or what if he contracts an STD?

 

those are the things bothering me

 

Sixteen is a resonable age for your first time. Being gay isn't a negative thing. I know many sucessful, educated and faithful people who are gay. Worrying about him getting an STD is a legitimate worry. It would be a good idea if you could contact a public health nurse who could teach him about the dangers of STDs and how to prevent them. Just tell him that you are worried after that night his friends stayed over and you don't feel comfortable talking about it to him but that he is at an age where he should learn about these things.

[jengh]

I honestly do not think your son is gay. Like other posters, I think his curiosity got the better of him. I experimented with girls when I was younger and I'm completely straight. It's natural to have that curiosity. I think everyone wonders what it would be like. It's just that not everyone acts on that thought.

I don't know, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

[NKP]

So what if he is gay, what is wrong with that?

[Yggdrasil]

Hi!

 

Well, firstly you need to try and calm yourself!! Relax, because what he was doing is perfectly normal. No, I'm not a typical self-righteous guy, and yes I am fully heterosexual.

 

Basically, nowadays teenagers "explore" each other. I'll clarify! According to statistics a lot of teens are exploring each other in the way of all those "private bits" that have remained a taboo for probably most of their social lives - except for the immature jokes of course. So it's perfectly natural for them to be engaging in activities like this, which to them are less of a deal than adults realise.

 

Now you say you are Christian, and to be fair you do sound like you are quite against the idea of homosexual activity. So I can understand why you're so concerned about it, but I think if I were you, I'd be a lot more suspicious of him being homosexual if he was experimenting with 1 guy, rather than another 4 or so. I mean you say he has a girlfriend, so talk to him! Is he happy? Is he happy with his girlfriend? Don't ever ask him flat out "Are you gay?" because he will most likely feel very uncomfortable. Be open minded, be fair, and for a moment - JUST FOR TALKING PRACTICALLY WITH HIM! - try to put the whole religious beliefs aside. You'll probably hate me for saying that, but this is your big test as a mother. You can do it!

 

Start off by asking him into a private room or somewhere where you won't be interrupted, sit with him. Don't be stern or anything, just relaxed...like a good friend or something. As if what you're about to discuss is 'no big deal' (though it might be to you, you'll make better progress by hiding that fact trust me). Whatever you do, I recommend not telling his father. DON'T DO IT!! If you husband is a "man-man" like you say, it's possible that it will damage the father-son relationship if you throw around statements that you believe your son is gay.

 

Just say to your son things like "It's perfectly natural" and "You don't have to worry about a thing" - you know, reassurance. He loves you guys and he wants you to be there for him, even if he doesn't ask. Just be open and cheery! Try and make it quite short as well. Like a maximum of 1 hour - tops!! There is only so much you can talk about, and he'll probably be quite embarrased as it is.

 

If your son is gay, then leave it up to him to tell you when he is ready. But I don't think you need to worry at all, this is so common in teens. If he was 20-something then you can be suspicious! But not when he is just entering the years of his adult sexual life. It's all about getting to know things - and you never know, maybe that very experience with all those guys made him truly realise he wasn't attracted to guys! Never get yourself down, and just be the same with him as you have been all these years!! However he turns out, talking to him about it at a time like this, then you can say to yourself "I am one kick- mum." You help your son, you help yourself!

 

Take it easy, and sorry this is so long...

 

- Yggdrasil (Rob)