Pointless efforts

[olena]

Hi guys,

 

Happy new year to all of you. Here we go. it's new years eve and I have been crying out my eyes for almost a year.

 

I have been with my partner for 6 years in total. we met about a year after he broke up with his ex, and he still had unresolved issues. our relationship started really slowly, but we ended up moving together about 4 years ago.during the relationship I stood by him, I supported him I gave him all the love in the world and he remained faithfull, loving...But in the last year - the minute he turned 30 he decided he wanted a break. he started seeing his life froma different perceptive, realised that he has no friends, no social life, that he feels worthless. during our relationship and especially after an unplanned pregnancy he did not want sex, he was interested in me as a person and treated me like a girlfriend in any other way but sex...

 

He now wants to be alone to find himself. He says that sex is a domain that does not interest him at the moment. he says that he wants to be alone because he feels worthless, because he can not give me whole love as he is incapable of feeling that after getting hurt by his ex. he says that he loves me and does not want to lose me, and that he would like to be able to come back and try again to make things right, after he 'finds himself'...

He says that he would one day consider marrying me, but that before, he needs to find what is making him unhappy in his day to day life...

 

I loved him and stayed faithful to him. i didn't leave him and I supported him through everything and now he wants to go and find some friends have some fun, and I just don't fit in. I feel deeply hurt and left out, and I feel that he is not being too fair telling me that he loves me and that he does not want to lose me when he does nothing to show me all these things anymore...

 

He says that during our break he would like to stay in touch, he would like to know if I am allright, what I am doing with my life. But I need him to love me as a whole -I can't just play friends and pretend that I am happy that he will he living his life without me

 

We have been arguing for a year and all I am getting is that I may fit into his future, but that I dont fit into his present because he wants to be 'ALONE' - not in a relationship.

 

How can someone tell me that he loves me and that he does not want to lose me when they do nothing to support what they say? I can;t help but feel that I have been his little toy that gave him love and support when he needed it, and now that he is ready to make an effort to be happy I have no role to play in his life. In spite of the problems, I loved him so much that I wanted to marry him - I have always dreamt of how good we would be together when he would eventually be happy with him self....

 

I have been just an idiot.

 

O

[Budman]

Oh my God, that sounded almost verbatim of what the ex™ said to me. Through me into a spiral of unpleasentness inwhich I can't describe.

 

Anyway, First off is there a child involved? Has he fathered one of your children?

 

Personally, I would tell him to get out (or you move out), and be done with the sap.

 

However, if you are looking for advice on how to repair it ask him some questions (don't argue).

 

1. Logically, why do you feel you can't find yourself with me in the picture?

2. Why do you feel that you can not be with me and have friends?

3. What has being with me stopped you from doing?

 

Ask him to think of those, and since I love ultimatums, (and they're good NC makers too ) You can either stay with me and get all of those things, or not.

 

(the ultimatum is subject to change depending if there is a child involved! as in I would require him to take care of his child!)

[Timebandit]

Are you sure he is not having a depression? And if, does he seek any help?

 

(I am not indicating that you should stay with him if he has - it would just be an explanation)

[shelly7]

I'm in the same position as you. (No children though) My ex is depressed, and I told him to take all the space he needs, but really take it, no phone calls to me, etc.. and that I would treat this as a breakup, regardless of his intention for our future together.

 

When I gave him that ultimatum (although I made sure not to use the word "ultimatum"), he hasn't been able to go through with it. I do not call him or text him. However, he has called sometimes 3 and 4 times in a row, and when I don't pick up he sends a text message. I'm not strong enough to avoid all of his calls. Over the past two days when we have spoken he tells me of all his ideas of how he's going to make it up to me. (ex. not spending Christmas with me)

 

I say "When?" his response.... "soon".

 

Tonight is New Years Eve and we had plans weeks ago, he said he wanted me to go out with him and his friends, so I told him under the circumstances, I'm not willing to do that, I have my own friends and I'll go out with them.

 

His response, "maybe I can come with you".

 

All of these "maybes" and "soons" are torture. Not to mention the fact that it's humiliating to me, because my friends think I should show him the door. (ugh) because I really love this man. I'm to the point where I don't even talk to them about my relationship, because it's always on and off. That's why I come here.

So you're not alone in your pain, I'm right here with you. Oh and he's the same age as your ex, it's almost like they're trapped between being a boy and a man, and their fighting it tooth and nail.

[Budman]

Maybe the Maybe was asking permission, =D

[shelly7]

Maybe the Maybe was asking permission, =D

 

yeah, 'maybe' you're probably right.

 

I just like black or white, yes or no, you're either with me or you're not.

 

AHHH!](*,)

[itsallgrand]

During those years together, is it true that he was not living up to his potential but struggling badly?

 

Did he/ does he have a balanced life with friends, work, outside interests from the relationship and has/ is he financially independent?

 

Are there children involved and if so where do they fit in?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Not to mention the fact that it's humiliating to me, because my friends think I should show him the door. (ugh) because I really love this man. I'm to the point where I don't even talk to them about my relationship, because it's always on and off.

 

Oh, I can definitely relate to that. I read a book called "Living with the Passive Aggressive Man" by Scott Wetzler and it perfectly describes what I have been going through for the last four years. His fear of intimacy, pushing me away but expecting me to be there for him etc. It was a real eye-opener. I knew the issues went very deep but my friends just saw the surface behaviour...the old cliche that if he is behaving erratically that means "he is just not that into you". He keeps coming back into my life but then wanting to remain on the sidelines, never quite giving of himself, but he wants to know that I am there for him. I am at the point where I too am embarrassed to talk to my friends. I let him have it in a voice message last week. Reading that book has helped me understand his behaviour and how I was perpetuating it. Whether or not I will ever hear from him again, I don't know. He's got major issues that he won't deal with and just blames other people for. I too am feeling devastated this New Year's Eve.

[olena]

No, there are no children involved. I had an abortion 3 1/2 years ago and went through a difficult time...

 

He does not have any friends as he lives away from home, and although he is doing well with his job he does not feel that he is doing well enough...

I have asked him if I am the reason for which he has no friends and he said no. He said that he needs to be alone to figure out what's is causig him unhappiness and that he needs to find him self. he says that everytime in his life that he was left alone he managed to change himself....

He needs a clear head....

 

I've come to the point that i don't know what to say...the last thing that I said to him is that I loved his heart and that all of the success off the word will not impress me...

 

O

[olena]

Do you guys think that if two people love each other they will end up together?

 

Why would a guy who wants space, a break, to be alone, because you are not the problem but they are according to them, they would also say that in the future they would like to marry you?

I feel that I am being mistreated.

 

Have any of you been in a position to love someone and have to let them go because keeping them was not an option at the time?

That's what Chris (my partner) is telling me...that he wants to make things right for himself first and then if I am still around to make me happy...

 

We are breaking up, but we are talking about the future...how it would have been nice to get a second cat and name her doris to keep company to our existing cat boris...he promises to take me to santorini (greek romantic island) in the future when we are back together...

And he is telling me that he wants me to stick around...but not be in a relationship for a while, to find himself....

How can someone who wants to break up with me, want me to continue to hope and dream....? How can someone tell me that I am his weak spot, that I am his heart and choose to take a break from a 6 year relationship?!?!?...

 

 

Is this love, or am I just his habid, that he wants me to stick around in case things go wrong???

 

I feel like disappearing...walking out of my house, switch off my phone, changing e-mail addresses - just disappearing - to see how hard he will look out for me...

 

I keep asking my self...will he be back?

 

O