Where to meet men?

[LilyXX]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years a few days ago. He is a very nice guy, but I realized that he is not the man I want to marry. I was unhappy with him for quite some time but chose to accept it, because I did not know better.

He never wanted to go out, did not respect my opinions, raised his voice at me and made no effort to please me sexually. He said that he loved me and wanted to get married.

 

A few weeks ago I went on a trip to Cuba with my sister. There I met a 3 men. One of them was very intelligent and interesting to talk to, another one made me feel special, treated me like a lady and bought me little gifts, and the 3rd one was an good looking, great dancer, and we had amazing sex. When I say amazing, I mean about 100 times better then I ever had in my life. It was becoming more and more clear to me that I have to end my current relationship and I broke up with my bf as soom as I got back.

 

I have a very clear image of the kind of man I would like to meet and have no idea where to meet him. I am not willing to compromise and settle for less.

I am very attractive and usually have guys hitting on me. I am not very outgoing and don't have a large circle of friends. I honestly have no idea where I would meet the right type of men.

 

Any suggestions?

[Caldus]

I've met some great friends off of Craigslist before. Could also try link removed if you're into online dating (I never have any success with those sites, so I just stick to other methods). Or just hang out at whatever public places you like whether it's the bar or coffee shop. Are you sure you know what kind of guy you are looking for?

[Caldus]

Hold on a minute, were you cheating on that guy? You said you didn't break up with him until a few days ago, yet you said you had sex a few weeks earlier with someone else.

[Mun]

You should look into expanding your circle of female friends so that you go out more and socialize more... in other words : the more visible YOU are the more likely you will meet someone. You are not going to meet anyone staying at home being shy So work on that.

 

You say you are very attractive... great... then you should not have much trouble getting attention. You are not likely to meet Mr Right the first time you get out there so be selective ( don't have sex with someone you hardly know that you want to get to know ) and take your time.

 

Where do you go to find a guy? You go where the men are : sports bars, workout gym, the bookstore, parties and linger a bit.

 

Best way to look approachable? Look happy, content. The last thing you want is a glum look on your face. It doesn't work.

 

Have fun!

[anggrace]

Hmmm, sounds like you cheated. (tisk,tisk) I accually met my bf online. Although we are having some problems, we've been together two years. Ive met a few people who have married people online. Im not saying its the best way to meet men, but there are benefits to it. You'll have to weed through alot of them to find a good one, but there are some.

 

It also depends on what your into and what kind of guy you want to find. Mabey you could tell us what your looking for.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

One of them was very intelligent and interesting to talk to, another one made me feel special, treated me like a lady and bought me little gifts, and the 3rd one was an good looking, great dancer, and we had amazing sex.

 

While your boyfriend may not have been a prize, I wouldn't exactly call guy #s 2 and 3 prizes either. Just because someone buys you gifts, doesn't mean they are sincere. Sure it is nice to get gifts, but I bet he was doing it to get into your pants, after all, how long did you know him...from a vacation!

Guy #3 got lucky because he didn't have to get you gifts, he was just a great dancer and good looking. Talk about Hollywood movie cliche.

 

He never wanted to go out, did not respect my opinions, raised his voice at me and made no effort to please me sexually. He said that he loved me and wanted to get married.

 

Okay, I can't really comment on this too much because I did not see the dynamics of your relationship...but I don't believe you are telling the whole story. This is not simply down to him. As a previous poster mentioned, you encouraged the attentions of at least 2 men above and beyond what would be acceptable for someone who had a boyfriend back home.

 

Before embarking on another relationship, I would suggest you remain single for awhile and think about what you really want. Men like you met on vacation are a dime a dozen and can be found in any sleazy bar and pick-up joint. Those type of people will not keep you happy for long.

[MacGyverRI]

I found dance classes to be very good for meeting people (I do Swing, but Salsa/Hustle/Tango are very popular also) since you not only have close contact but actually get to talk to ea. other and that breaks the ice nicely w/ the shy types (I'm not shy).

 

 

Knowing where you are would help w/ any local hot spots.

[Night Pumpkin]

It sounds like the problem is that you are never happy with what you already have. You have a boyfriend, you cheated on him, and now you want a new boyfriend ??? What kind of man can you expect to date someone who cheated on thier previous boyfriend ?? No man wants someone who is going to cheat on them !!!

[MacGyverRI]

It sounds like the problem is that you are never happy with what you already have. You have a boyfriend, you cheated on him, and now you want a new boyfriend ??? What kind of man can you expect to date someone who cheated on thier previous boyfriend ?? No man wants someone who is going to cheat on them !!!

 

I think you missed these parts;

"I was unhappy with him for quite some time but chose to accept it, because I did not know better. He never wanted to go out, did not respect my opinions, raised his voice at me and made no effort to please me sexually. He said that he loved me and wanted to get married."

 

 

I'm guessing she's young,

[someguy1976]

I really could not have said it better myself. You need to sew your wild oats, and come down a little bit. I mean first of all, you blatenly cheated on your boyfriend at home. You can NEVER build any trust if you can't keep your pants up outside of your relationship. I would not worry about it now, because it's done. All I heard was how he did this and does that, but you never admitted things that maybe you were doing to contribute to the stress of the relationship. It takes two sides, and it sounds like you were never really happy with this guy to begin with, and now you want another one? I would wait.

[LilyXX]

Hey,

 

Thanks for so many responses.

 

I have to admit that I did cheat. I am not proud of it. There were problems in the relationship, I tried to communicate with him but I felt that he was just ignoring me. I really did not know what to do, I tried everything to "fix" the relationship. Problems we had: constantly screaming at me about little things, driving like a lunatic and scaring me, never wanting to go out ot try anything new, selfish in bed. Snoring to the point that I can't sleep and refusing to do anything about it. Yet he was telling me that he loves me everyday, but not acting it.

 

We broke up now, but still live in the same appartment for another month until I move in to my new appartment. We talked a lot about what went wrong and he is saying that I did not make it clear to him that I was not happy.

I was not "loud" enough about it. He wants another chance. I don't know if he can change and the sexual chemistry between us is not right anyway, we were just good friends when things were good.

 

As for the kind of man I am looking for I want some one with a thirst for life that wants to experience new things. Has appreciation for art and beauty, wants a nice living environment. I am a proffessional designer, so these things matter to me. Someone who has class and good manners. Someone who is good looking, in shape and a good dancer would be great. I never looked for these things in a man before, thinking that they were superficial, but now I am starting to think that they are important. Someone who cares about his health would be good. (because I do). I also want to be with a person who is ambitious. Some one who would listen to me & respect my opinions.

 

Dance lessons idea is good, gym is good too, I am also going to take an improv cource I wanted to take for a while. The main issue for me is that i don't have a lot of free time, I work full time and also operate a business on a part time basis. Sadly I don't have a lot of friends, I just have not taken the time to cultivate too many relationships. Many people think that I am cold and distant. I have a great relationship with my sister, who is much more sociable then I am. I hang out with her friend sometimes, a lot of them are men, but they are not the type of people that interest me.

 

My last bf was a source of comfort and emotional stability for me. He is a very kind person. I just think that there should be more a relationship then that. I am willing to give up this sense of security to find something real.

[LilyXX]

MacGyverRI,

 

Good guess, I am 28. I really like your suggestions.

You actually understand my side of things instead of just pointing fingers at me for cheating.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

My last bf was a source of comfort and emotional stability for me. He is a very kind person. I just think that there should be more a relationship then that.

 

Never underestimate the value of comfort, emotional stability and being a kind person. I am not sure you are referring to your current ex or a previous ex, because the way you described your current ex, it doesn't sound like it would be him. At any rate, as you get older you will find that those values are much more important than finding someone who is good looking, in shape and a great dancer. Be very careful what you are looking for because the "exciting" people are not necessarily the most reliable people when it comes to fulfilling the requirements of a healthy relationship.

 

I don't know if you live in North America, but there is a group called Meetup

link removed and they often have various meetup groups depending on your interests.

[LilyXX]

Crazyaboutdogs,

 

It's funny that you say that. I was talking about my current ex.

He is very nice & kind. He is willing to stay with me and work things out. In fact he is tring to convince me to stay. He really loves me and has no issues with me. I am very easy to get along with and quiet. (May be too quiet) I was so miserable with him before, I really felt he was taking me for granted and did not care. I was afraid that if we got married he would disregard my wishes completely and be abusive. Now he is on his best behavior and I feel inclined to take him back. We had a nice convesation about our relationship and he said that he had no idea that these things bothered me that much.

 

I was so sure that breaking up was the right thing to do, but now I am confused.

I am also realsing that it may not feel so great to be single again.

I don't know if staying with him is such a great idea either.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Don't stay with him just because you don't want to be single. The reason to stay with him would be to see if you could work things out. Sometimes somebody just needs a wake-up call because they get too comfortable and lazy in a relationship. Just make sure that his changes are for real, and not just temporary until he gets comfortable again.

[MacGyverRI]

MacGyverRI,

 

Good guess, I am 28. I really like your suggestions.

You actually understand my side of things instead of just pointing fingers at me for cheating.

 

I'm usually neutral in perspective w/ answers and pointed out the major issues that caused the breakup.

 

You have many problems to work on and he needs to get a tad more caring in bed (the diff. between making love and just getting his rocks off) along with listening which most guys including me "were" guilty of when we were young but got wiser w/ age.

 

If you want to salvage the relationship, you need to see IF he will be more caring in bed since no girl wants to be used (most guys are guilty of this) and if he will actually listen and work through the issues rather than just get mad or blame it on something else.

[guyoverthere]

Did you tell him you cheated on him? If not, then you shouldn't stay with him unless you do. If you did and he's still willing to stay with you, you have a heck of a guy.

[guyoverthere]

Wait sorry--

Is he abusive? Does he hit you?

[Caldus]

Either way ... based on what has happened, with the cheating, etc ... I wouldn't jump into another relationship right now.

[turqoise]

Nah, you`ll be OK leaving him. It`s only natural that both of you will want to hang onto the relationship when there is the prospect of it ending. Like moving to a new place - you always miss the place you`ve known, as out-grown of it as you may be. The fact you came to this site listing all those things sounds like they`re ongoing issues. Some of the things you point out make it sound like you have some different values, which are things that are hard to live with and hard to change!

 

You actually sound like you`d like to make friends just as much as (or maybe even more than?) meeting men so I agree that it`s a great idea to join a class, club or organisation of some kind. One that you`re really keen on.

 

Here are my experiences (as I`m pretty shy too):

-dance classes (ballroom, latin and ceroc were all fun) though I found that people were friendly but curiously awkward.

-I got the most out of joining reputable little community and night art classes (which were great because people that gather tend to be so diverse and interesting, and I love finding someone who has a similar level of artisticness as me and getting to know them)

-I joined an aikido dojo (I found this was great because it was more mentally stimulating than sports, not as physically hard as other martial arts, flexible timetable, plus people were so nice and you could drop in at any dojo any time around the world and make new friends!).

 

With the two latter I found that you don`t have to talk much, but before you know it, you find that you`re talking with someone genuinely. Good luck

[poloplayer]

Never underestimate the value of comfort, emotional stability and being a kind person...as you get older you will find that those values are much more important than finding someone who is good looking, in shape and a great dancer. Be very careful what you are looking for because the "exciting" people are not necessarily the most reliable people when it comes to fulfilling the requirements of a healthy relationship.

 

This is so perfect and true, yet, many people have to sow their wild oats before they can truly understand it. It may be the case for you. I know that it sure was for me.

 

I used to love it when women would walk up to me and start talking - it was "in the bag." Nowadays, I steer clear of that because I know where it leads to and that's not what I want anymore. My predicament is not in attracting women, that's the easy part. The hard part is finding someone who is interested in something more than just a fun time.

 

You cheated, and the damage has been done. I won't "rag on you" because scolding never did anyone any good but infuriate them. I think the most important thing is to figure out what you want now - and stay single while you do it. Maybe you do need to go out and sow some wild oats. That's the way I got it out of my system, and began to look for something with substance afterwards.

 

I got to a point where I had hot girls around me, booze in my system, and the music blarring with everyone dancing, and, I began to feel out of place. That's when I knew I was actually ready to be in a relationship with someone whenever that would happen. Before then, there was no way I can provide anything to a girl besides some decent jokes and some fun memories that involved alcohol, nights on the town and lustful sex which fades quickly. I was no substance - just pure fun and games.

 

Perhaps that's not your case. Maybe you are on the fence with some things. The ex does not sound like a bad guy from the way you portrayed him, and 3 years with someone is more than just some fling. I really doubt you were that unhappy the whole time. It seems like you have some thinking to do, but do what you think is right for you in the end. I know you may feel like a teeter-totter right now, but don't teeter-totter with the ex. Figure it out first. And if you havn't already, please don't mention the cheating unless you want to reconcile. It will only create more harm, and relieving yourself of guilt by creating more harm to someone is a selfish route to take.

 

I wish you the best.

[MacGyverRI]

-dance classes (ballroom, latin and ceroc were all fun) though I found that people were friendly but curiously awkward.

 

Everyone is awkward at 1st when taking dance lessons but that makes it more fun since you're laughing with ea. other.

[Night Pumpkin]

Dance lessons are a poor place to find a boyfriend, becaue 80% of the students are females. I remember when I took salsa lessons. Atleast 80% of the students were girls, so what chance does a girl have of finding a boyfriend there. Of the guys who were there, most of them were there because thier current girlfriends kept bugging them to come...so the chances of finding single guys at a dance class...very slim !!!

 

I found dance classes to be very good for meeting people (I do Swing, but Salsa/Hustle/Tango are very popular also) since you not only have close contact but actually get to talk to ea. other and that breaks the ice nicely w/ the shy types (I'm not shy).

 

 

Knowing where you are would help w/ any local hot spots.

[MacGyverRI]

Dance lessons are a poor place to find a boyfriend, becaue 80% of the students are females. I remember when I took salsa lessons.

 

Salsa and Tango are very hard for men to learn because we don't pickup "syncopation"/"musicality" (flowing the dance to the music) too easy at 1st.

 

Try Swing or Hustle since more beginner guys are into those dances. Experienced dancers move up to Salsa/Tango.

[LilyXX]

My last bf was never physically abusive, but he did have a tendency to raise his voice over every little thing. He sais that he is not screaming, just talking. It really made me uneasy. Beeing Italian may have something to do with it.

I am 28 and he is almost 40. I think that he may be able to change and treat me better, but this is not even the point anymore.

 

After sleeping with the other guy I have no desire to tough him anymore. He just does not turn me on. The other guy really opened my eyes to what sex can be like, I had no idea. I did not tell bf about it, I think it will not do him any good, just hurt more.

 

I really need to make more friends, I don't intend having another realtionship right away and actually look forward to beeing single for a while. I belong to a Toastmasters International it is a club that helps people devolop their public speaking skills. I have a few friends from there, but they are not close friends, most people who go there are older and married. I have another married friend who is my age. I live in suburbia, so everyone is married here. I also don't have a car which limits my acces to a lot of places.