When is the right time to remove an online profile if you've met someone there?

[lvlyldy]

I met a guy about a month ago through an online dating site. We hit it off very well, and decided to make things exclusive 2-3 weeks ago. At this point, I mentioned to the guy that I was taking my profile down and hiding it. He said his was expiring too and he'd be doing the same. Today I noticed he's still up there, and has been active in the past few weeks. I dont know how I feel about this, he made it clear we were exclusively seeing eachother... he calls me everyday and has seen me regularly while I was at home (im at my parents for the holidays now, but he's still been calling/iming me regularly).

 

I guess I dont know how I feel about this, especially since I asked him about it and he said he would and nothing has been done so far. if things are going so well and he agreed that we were exclusive why stay up there? Should I talk to him about it, and if so how do I bring it up?

[xmrth]

I think you should mention it again... don't let too much time pass by because no matter what you're serious about this, and I agree with you that you should be too. Just come out and ask him, "Hey I noticed you were still on there... so, we're exclusive, right? Why do you need it still?" Just in a nice way, but you have to know why... because why keep it, really. Maybe there's other reasons why people leave it up-- but you said yours is hidden? I think that's the least he could do as well.

[Aurian]

There are some innocent reasons why his could have been active; some sites store old messages and pictures on the account and he could have been looking over your "history" together or something like that. Perhaps he has some friends on the site too.

 

However, it does seem a bit weird as well, so give him the benefit of the doubt but ask him about it. I like xmrth's suggestion. Be non-threatening but do make it clear that you are confused by his actions.

[Batya33]

To me having an active on line profile is inconsistent with being exclusive because you are advertising that you are single. With my boyfriend and me, I hid my profile the day we decided to be exclusive and discovered that people who had contacted me in the past somehow could still review my profile. Once I hid my profile and cancelled my membership I couldn't read emails sent to me on the site.

 

I occasionally sign on to look at old friends or to look at people my friends are thinking of dating who they want me to see. My boyfriend knows I do this and is fine with it. My boyfriend did not hide his profile right away but it was from another city, he hadn't been active in several years, and he thought it was hidden but it wasn't (we did not meet on line).

 

He still gets emails occasionally from the site with "matches" and he and his friend like to comment on who they are matched with. That doesn't bother me - these women are from another city, he doesn't contact them in any manner and it is a silly email exchange he has with a male friend. No one from the site contacts him because his profile is so old and if they did he wouldn't be able to tell because he is not a paying member. His profile has been hidden since we discovered that it wasn't.

 

When I did meet people from on line we would have the discussion of hiding profiles. I wouldn't hide it unless we were exclusively dating. A few men hid theirs because they only wanted to date me but I always was honest about my intentions and that I wasn't ready to hide my profile.

 

I would be fine with a guy telling me he still logged on occasionally as long as his profile was hidden and as long as it was just to check out a woman or man on behalf of a friend. I wouldn't like "discovering" on my own that he had logged on or hearing that from a friend.

[afonselaca]

He's still on the market and isn't keeping his word consistant to being exclusive. If he were serious about being exclusive he would have removed his profile. So, it is up to you how to approach him. You probably should mention it but if he doesn't remove his profile within a comfortable amount of time then realize he is keeping his options open.

[ozsid]

The way I read it. He is not being exclusive. Simple.

[Batya33]

The way I read it. He is not being exclusive. Simple.

 

I disagree- he may not be dating anyone else or asking someone else out - i will say it is not consistent with being exclusive but technically he is still dating only her.

[afonselaca]

He said he would, so maybe you need to consider your expectations. You and I think that he "should have already" instead of "when will he?" and that's what causes the doubt.

[annie24]

I think you should mention it again... don't let too much time pass by because no matter what you're serious about this, and I agree with you that you should be too. Just come out and ask him, "Hey I noticed you were still on there... so, we're exclusive, right? Why do you need it still?" Just in a nice way, but you have to know why... because why keep it, really. Maybe there's other reasons why people leave it up-- but you said yours is hidden? I think that's the least he could do as well.

 

I agree, just come right out and ask him. Maybe it is an oversight on his part, maybe he thought just by cancelling his membership the profile would automatically come down. Or maybe he is hunting for other women. or maybe he is checking out profiles of women for friends. I know I have done that with friends also, when they tell me so-and-so has contacted them, I look up their profile to see if I have date them, and vice versa.

 

I would tread carefully, don't fall for this guy until you have an answer.

[lvlyldy]

thanks everyone!

 

I was going to talk to him today, and waited to see if he'd come online. I got a call from him today and he told me he left early to a friends place in a different city to spend new years. He told me he'd call me tomorrow, so I probably wont be able to bring up this to him until Tues or Wed at the earliest.

 

I agree I dont feel comfortable with him having a profile up, but all his other actions have shown that he is committed to me so I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I looked once more and it says he hasnt been active for the past 5 days or so, so maybe it has finally expired and he isnt planning on going back to it. I will be returning to college in 2 weeks, and we've already discussed seeing eachother the night I get back so if it isnt off by then I will bring it up.

 

I dont want to push him into doing anything- I trust him and I trust that he if I really do mean as much to him as he says he does he will do it soon, and on his own.

 

Thanks again everyone!

[annie24]

hey - well, don't look at it as you are "pushing him" for anything. Just frame it like you want to make sure you are on the same page as each other. that you two are clear. I think that is fair. If he wants to keep up a profile, fine, but then you will also advertise yourself as single when you go back to college.