was it too soon to have sex?

[missmebaby]

i met a really great guy 5 weeks ago. we went out on a few dates and he didnt kiss me until the 3rd date. after a week he asked me to be his girlfriend. he treats me so amazingly good and he seems to have a really good head on his shoulders and a really good outlook on things. he is very respectful and affectionate, and is always telling me how much he cares about me and that hes falling in love with me. during the first 2 weeks that we were officially a couple things moved very fast and we ended up having sex after only being togther for 2 weeks and only knowing each other for 3 weeks. it just felt right though, because we were falling for each other so fast.

 

well my mom somehow found out that we were having sex and today she confronted me and said "it always makes a mother feel good to know her daughter has only known a guy for a month and is already sleeping with him." and she basically called me a * * * * and said i had no self respect. now i feel horrible and i feel like things are moving way too fast and i regret having sex with him already. but i know i cant take it back. was it too soon to do that with him??? ive had sex with 2 other people, both of who were my boyfriends and both ended up lasting for a year. with the first guy i waited for 4 months to have sex with him, and the second guy i waited for a month and a half. i dont know what to do, and im worried about whether it was just too soon or not.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Only you know if it was too soon or not. Don't let your mother curb your feelings. If you two are getting along great and still have a good relationship and having sex so soon didnt change anything , then no I don't see why it was too soon. I slept with my current bf 3 weeks after we started dating although I knew him for close to 2 years I sometimes questioned if I should have waited but you know what, 3 years later we are still together and going good.

Keep your head up, don't feel like a bad person for having sex with someone you care about just because your mother tries to make you out as a bad person.

[TiredMan]

Don't listen to the crap you mom spouts off. Is she usually that way with you? My guess is yes. BTW, how old are you and how old is he?

 

There is no "time" that is too short or too long. It's what is right for the specific relationship.

[Meow18]

I think that you felt comfortable with the idea of having sex with him. That doesn't make you a bad person. At least you knew the guy for a month.. some people don't wait a week.

 

Are you regretting your actions now because of what your mom said, or because deep down you really feel it was too soon?

 

This guy sounds like an alright guy. He treats you well. This could be something long term. Your mom doesn't know your relationship like you do, afterall, how could she?

 

If you are worried things are going too fast, then simply slow down. There's no rush. If the guy really cares about you, and it sounds like he does, then talk to him about it.

[kryptik0]

Don't worry about it. One should wait on having sex so that you don't get hurt if things don't work out. Sex greatly speeds up a relationship as you're experiencing, and that could be unhealthy.

 

But now that you have done it, and like you realize it, there is no taking it back, stop worrying about whatever happened and see how things go. You may want to hold back from having sex now though until you guys figure out if you are right for each other.

 

Of course that would be very hard to do, not just because you wouldn't want to, but also because he may not want to stop having sex either. And you may sort of hurt him if you said no.

 

Of course that's no excuse, and you have all the rights in the world to stop having sex with him until things are clear between the two of you and if he really is falling for you, and is genuinely interested in you, he should not have a problem with that.

 

I wonder how your mother found out about this. I really don't know what to tell you about sorting that part out.

 

Goodluck and all the best.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

While I am very much a proponent of waiting until you get to know someone a lot better before having sex with them, I would say that your mother was way out of line. If you are over 18, you are an adult and can conduct your life however you see fit. You do not have to answer to anybody else about when you have sex. If it felt right to you at the time then it is pointless to second guess yourself because you can't change the past. If you feel things are going to fast, you can slow them down. But whatever you do, do it because it is what you want, not because your mother or anybody else is telling you how to think and feel.

[Batya33]

"He is very respectful and affectionate, and is always telling me how much he cares about me and that hes falling in love with me. during the first 2 weeks that we were officially a couple things moved very fast and we ended up having sex after only being togther for 2 weeks and only knowing each other for 3 weeks. it just felt right though, because we were falling for each other so fast. "

 

Here's the problem - you are using words like "always" and how "respectful and affectionate" he is. You have no idea if the "always" has to do with the honeymoon period or whether he will still be saying that in two months, 4 months, 6 months, etc. He has no idea how much he cares about you because he doesn't know you well enough.

 

So, no, I don't think it's too soon to have sex whether on the first date, the 10th, the 100th - that is up to the person -- but if you're saying it wasn't "too soon" because you believe the feelings you have and he has and because of the way he treats you, I think it was 'too soon" to know if those feelings or that treatment is going to remain consistent over time - for that you need to know someone over time for several months, not for five weeks (and certainly not after two weeks).

 

For me, I wouldn't have sex with a man unless we were exclusively dating for at least 2 months and usually longer, and I would want to make sure he had been celibate for at least 6 months so that he could be tested. I have had a number of 2-3 month relationships where I learned about things that made us incompatible at around the two month mark (post honeymoon period) and I am glad I did not have sex with them. But that's just me.

 

As far as what his mother said, it was way out of line but obviously if you felt comfortable with your behavior it probably wouldn't bother you as much.

[missmebaby]

i am 20 and he is 24. he has had a 5 year relationship and a 2 year relationship, both of which ive heard he was a great boyfriend to them and never cheated or anything. he has never had a one night stand or anything and is very picky about who he has sex with because he is afraid of getting an STD and becuase he feels like it should be with someone you really care about. all of those things are reasons why i felt comfortable sleeping with him. but then when my mom cut me down like that it made me feel terrible, and made me regret it and feel kind of dirty.

[annie24]

the things that our moms say can really affect us, regardless if they are true or not.

 

I think the bottom line is that you made a decision that YOU were comfortable with, and has worked out well for you so far, so that is the thing that counts. Remember, your mother has her own problems and skewed views. Some people wait until marriage to have sex, and the marriage turns out to be a bust. And some people have sex on the first date and they live happily ever after.

 

Don't feel bad, just remember that your mother has her own prejudices. How did she find out? did she find condoms? I wouldn't discuss my romantic life with her from this point on. Do you live in your own place? if not, move out.

 

good luck

[Batya33]

i am 20 and he is 24. he has had a 5 year relationship and a 2 year relationship, both of which ive heard he was a great boyfriend to them and never cheated or anything. he has never had a one night stand or anything and is very picky about who he has sex with because he is afraid of getting an STD and becuase he feels like it should be with someone you really care about. all of those things are reasons why i felt comfortable sleeping with him. but then when my mom cut me down like that it made me feel terrible, and made me regret it and feel kind of dirty.

 

OK - well obviously he made you an exception because he only knew you for two weeks - he can believe he cares a great deal but obviously you and he didn't know each other well when you had sex.

 

As far as your mom, again think about why it affected you - if you felt truly comfortable with having sex with him her words wouldn't affect you other than you might be annoyed that she gave you unsolicited advice. How do you feel about being sexually active with him?

[missmebaby]

my mom wont tell me how she found out, but i think she may have found a condom wrapper. my boyfriend said he cant believe how fast we moved but he said it felt right and since i had only had sex with 2 people before him, both of which were boyfriends, and i didnt even kiss him until the 3rd date, and i promised that i had been tested recently, he knew i was a respectable girl. i agree that it felt right at the time to have sex, but now im worried about how its going to affect the rest of our relationship, like maybe we moved too fast and things are going to fizzle out quickly or get boring. i dont know how we could slow things down.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

As far as your mom, again think about why it affected you - if you felt truly comfortable with having sex with him her words wouldn't affect you other than you might be annoyed that she gave you unsolicited advice.

 

I would have to disagree with this statement. I think as a person gets older, they are more able to dismiss putdowns from their parents because they have a clearer notion of who their parents are and who they themselves are. At 20 years old, you are still finding your way and nasty comments from your parents can be very hurtful. Even if you are truly comfortable with something, having someone, anyone, especially a parent, treat you like crap for your decision, is very hurtful. Also, some people are just more sensitive than others.

 

As far as whether or not the relationship will fizzle. Only time will tell. Once you start having sex with someone, it is very difficult to go backwards and "slow things down" because expectations are there. Things will get boring if there is nothing else binding the two of you together except for sex. That is why it is often wiser to wait before having sex...to see if there is much more that will bind you together and to make sure two people care about each other rather than being in love with the notion of being in love and having a boyfriend/girlfriend. The bottom line is that you can't change the past and it is no point fretting about it. Just continue along building the relationship. If it is meant to last, it will, if not, it would not be because you had sex too soon, it will be because there is not something deeper binding you together.