Missing my ex!!! Help!

[Starrjenna]

I really need some encouragement here. I broke up with my guy 2 weeks ago. I really didn't want it to end. But he was always "busy" and stressed out with work. So he has been unavailable to me for about 2 months. We were together for 10 months. We were only really speaking through text and i.m. So obviously I got annoyed. In that 2 month span I saw him like 5 times. The only time I would see him was if I planned something. So I took a step back and he kind of picked up the slack and we hung out 3 times in one week. I was so happy!! well after that week he fell off the radar again.

I expressed my concern that if we wanted to keep us together that we had to keep in touch. I asked him to call me that night. He didn't call me at all. So the next day I broke it off with him. I just thought if he couldn't even call me he must not love me right! Well I regret breaking it off with him. I miss him so much and I want him back so bad. I told him as we were breaking it off that If he ever got his life toghther to call me. Well I havn't heard a peep from him. except when I texted him for christmas and he texted back "thinking of you".

I need advice. what should I do. I dont want to let it go. But I am not going to chase him around either. I have been independent and doing my own thing. I've been going on dates a lot and trying to forget him, but it just makes it worse! I am trying to do NC but I guess it's Lc right now because I have texted him twice. Once just tonight to ask if he was going to make his snowboard trip (we are having a blizzard in colorado)! He wrote me right back but then didnt respond to my next text asking him what was new!

Please respond guys I am so sad right now and don't know what to do!

[Suzy-TO]

I hate to say it but follow your heart. Many ppl will tell you not to text back, to stay clear away from him. However, in the end, you will do what you feel comfortable with. We have all been there. I have only one question, do you feel you can do better? Sounds like he really was not there for you, and that you were alone alot. I think you can do alot better. Only you can answer this, and we all at some point follow our hearts instead of our heads. Keep me posted and good luck. Another thing I noticed from self experience, if you stop calling, writing, texting...IT BOTHERS THEM AND THEY START, try and figure that one out..lol

[shelly7]

Sounds like you're not ready for dating and that's okay. Although it's a good way to occupy your time and a great self esteem booster.

 

I know it's tough but it sounds like he's the type of guy that might be better off chasing you. Try not to be available for awhile and see where that goes. If he doesn't make an effort than you have your answer. I know it's tough, but in the end you'll be able to see if he's worthy of your attention.

Good luck, trust me I know it's hard.

[cordelia]

Man, if you didn't say "Colorado" I would have thought we were dating the same guy! lol...just kidding.

Anyways, I just went through the exact same thing as you only my ex and I have been broken up for a month now. We were together for a year and seriously only saw each other once, maybe twice a week unless we were going out of town. We talked on the phone everyday but its just not the same!

No matter how many times I would try and initiate more time together, there was always some reason or some excuse that was more important than me!

Do you get the feeling like he's "keeping you at a distance" ?

That was the feeling I got until finally I got fed up because I couldn't take it. I knew by breaking up that I was risking ending it completely but I couldn't stand the way I was feeling anymore!

 

Trust me, I know it hurts like hell...but you will get through it. If he's not making any effort to try and work it out and put more effort into, its a waste of your time. Even if you last another 3-4 months, eventually you will get fed up with it.

 

That's great that your dating already! Keep going, it will get better. You can't take this guy back unless he can promise you that things would change in a really big way!

[Starrjenna]

thank you so much guys!

Cordelia it sounds like the same situation exactly! I didn't want to break it off bacause I didn't want to lose him forever. But I just couldn't deal with the feeling of never seeing him and always wondering when we would be able to connect again. I do feel like I was alone a lot even when we were together! I missed him even when we were dating! I need to let him chase me but I am so inpatient. Even going a week without texting or callin is so hard! I want to know now!! I wish he would chase me!

Keep them coming guys I need this so bad right now! thanks!

[Northalius]

Many people get their emotions hung up on others too soon, it seems. This is a big mistake. You need to always find yourself first, and build a foundation within yourself; do this, and you'll be stable enough for a relationship, or lack thereof, if/when it goes sour.

 

Start respecting yourself. You're worth much more than being hung up over someone that doesn't respect you enough to discipline themselves to take time out for you on a consistant basis. If they don't do this, then they don't like you as much as you seem to like them. Remember, this is a two-way street, (I have said this in other responses to others' threads today; but, it's true, that's why...), not a one way street. Don't let someone walk over your emotions like this. You're a person, and it isn't nice when a person is not respected, right? So respect yourself. It may take time to fully learn, but you'll be better off knowing this. When you respect yourself, it only let's others see they should respect you, as well.

 

Build that emotional foundation within yourself, before attempting to build it upon someone else.

 

It's similar to making a decision to build a house in a foreign land which you do not own. The person that owns the land can tear your house down whenever he/she wants to, and you're left with nothing if you've not first built a house on land you own elsewhere. So buy that land first (within yourself) to then build your own house! And if someone comes along, you can rent an apartment on their land; if things go bad, you still have your house on your own land to move back in to. If things get better (or better yet, become 'perfect'), then you can build a house on their land (aka eventually get married)! But even if that doesn't work out (aka divorce), you'll always have that house you built on your own land to fall back on.

 

edit: Sorry if this came off too harsh at first.

 

Anyway, don't take my word for it, if you don't want to. I just felt I had to say it. A counselor is always nice to talk to about things in person. Try one out.

[Starrjenna]

No North it wasn't too harsh at all. It was an amazing anology. Thank You. I have always tried to be an independent person (emotionally as well as phisically). But maybe I need a little more work on that! You guys are awsome. I'm feeling better already. Keep the replies coming I need as much advice as I can get!!

[cordelia]

That's exactly how I was feeling with my ex...disrespected! Like he knew what I wanted but just couldn't be bothered putting in any effort. I mean he still checked on me every day to see how my day went etc. And I met his family a few times too and all his friends. Its not like I felt that he was using me or anything...but there was a major lack of attention, affection, communication..and it drove me nuts after a year! He is the way he is and he's never said that he was going to change. And I wasn't sure if he meant it when he said I love you because his actions said something different.

Starrjenna, our situations are totally the same! If you two are going to work it out, he has to be willing to put more effort into the relationship or you will not be happy! In 3 mos or so...the same thing will happen all over again.

I know its hard..trust me, the first 2 weeks were bad. But if you guys stay broken up, it will get easier as the days go by!

[cordelia]

And by the way, thank you Northalius...everything you said is right on! It helps to hear it from a guys perspective too. It really does come down to respecting yourself enough to not let someone walk all over your emotions! I've been very proud of myself for not calling him once since the break up. We have exchanged a lot of emails but lately, I have not been responding. Its hard but feels good in a way too!

[Starrjenna]

Good for you cordelia. that must feel good to have the shoe on the other foot so to say! Thanks for the encouragement it helps so much! Whats up with these guys who want everything but won't put anything into it?! So disrespectful. I guess we started to get the respect back by breaking it off with these guys in the first place. It hurts but Yay us hahaha!!

[cordelia]

I think some guys are just not the "relationship type". And its not necessarily that they dont' have feelings for you...this is just they way they are! My guy could NOT communicate either! It sucks but you can't force someone to change...he has to want to make changes himself! And I didn't want to feel like I was "telling him" to spend more time with me, be more affection, attentive etc. It was killing my self-esteem!

 

Whatever happens with the two of you, just remember that if he doesn't come back to say that things will change, then all it means is that its not meant to be and you will find someone better for you!

 

Good night and good luck to both of us!

[Starrjenna]

I wish that was the case, but I know he is the relationship type. His last 2 girlfriends lasted 5 years a piece. you are right I guess he was just not the right guy for me! Unless he will change! Thank you so much girl its good to know there are other people in the same situation! Keep the advice coming it hepls me so much you guys!

[cc2006]

A large part of this whole dance we do is just finding a partner that has the same expectations that you do.

 

I had this issue with my ex. She complained constantly that we were not spending enough time together and I was "obviously not into her." We fought about it a few times.

 

In my mind, "enough time" for dating someone is 'days off without other plans'. We both have the day off? Great. Have plans with someone else already? No? Great ... lets do something if you feel up to it, if not thats kewl too, I'll do something else.

 

Her idea was 'anytime I want' plus 'days off without other plans'. She'd call at 10pm and ask me to come over and sleep at her place. I'd say no, she'd cry and claim I didn't love her.

 

 

Now we're exes, and hopefully she'll get help for her issues or find someone that wants to be attached at the hip. I still think about her and it all bothers me.

 

 

 

 

Your issue? (Sorry I always vent about mine first - lol) .. I think you're better off. truly if he was "swamped with work" he'd still attempt to contact you in SOME way. If I'm swamped and busy I still find time to shoot off an email or phonecall to check in. If he was really that deadened contact-wise then you weren't high enough on his priority list and you deserve at least a "Hey, man today was rough ... we have to get together soon, I miss you" phonecall and followup to show you that you are on the priority list.

 

Stay away ... keep busy ... he'll either realize what he lost and think things through or you'll realize that what you lost wasn't the end of the world and wake up feeling better one day.

[sasha_faye]

Hey Starrjenna and cordelia, totally had the same problem! I went to college a mere half an hour away from my boyfriend- and although I knew visitations could only happen on the weekend, he would NEVER EVER call, email, or text me! He was always "too swamped" with work. The last time we hung out as a couple (that was over a month ago) we went to HIS FRIEND'S party and he ignored me the entire time- he later told me he wasn't socializing at the party because he prefers "more intellectual conversation." Definitely wasn't high on his priority list. What a buzzkill!

 

Northalius and cc2006, thank you for putting things in perspective. I wasn't clingy like your girlfriend, cc, but I do wonder if maybe I nagged him too much to communicate with me more. (I was lucky to have him email me once a week, and the messages were never more than three sentences long...) Oh well! I'm living well and keeping active without him- hopefully he's doing the same, now that me, his burden, hasn't contacted him in over a month! Haha.

[cordelia]

Why do these men have to torture us like this ? ha ha...I must say though I did not feel like I was being "clingy". I mean call me crazy, but 3-4 months into a relationship I think its reasonable to want to see each other more than one night a week! I was very patient with him too...I bit my tongue so many times because I didn't want to sound like a nag!

I think cc2006 is right...it comes down to being compatible and having the same expectations in a relationship.

And as far as I know, my guy was the same way in his last relationship with someone he lived with!

Starjenna, is it possible that maybe he was burned badly before in one of his past relationships and now he is scared of getting too attached ? My sister had this problem with her hubby for the first 1.5 years but they got through it and now they've been together for 6 years!

I guess it can happen for some couples, but not everyone. It sucks but it can only work if both people are willing to work through it.

I am doing better now though and I know that I will find someone else that is totally right for me. And Starjenna, you will too!

[anggrace]

I think some guys dont realize that relationships take work. Im trying to work on mine as well, and as of now, he acts as if it is an annoyance to him. Anyway different situation. You seem to have alot invested in him. I know its hard to let go of the hopes you had for your future with him, but mabey you would feel better if you started focusing on your own future now. He will most likely hurt someday as you are now. But keeping in touch with him, or trying too, only feeds his ego. He knows he can still fall back on you, thats why hes having such an easy time.

[Starrjenna]

Thank you so much guys! I definetly wasnt the clingy type. I was super patient with him. But I had just had enough! I appriciate all of the advice it really puts some things into prespective for me! I don't really know what went wrong in his past relationships. We never really had the best communication I guess. We always just lived in the moment! I am definetly letting this one go and seeing if he puts anything into us getting back together! Doesn't he know how manyother guys want to date me? haha but really I guess I shouldn't have put all of my eggs in one basket with this guy! I thought he was the one for me juding by how he acted in the beginning! I can only try to learn from my mistakes and constantly try to grow! I really appriciate this site it hepls so much!!!

[Starrjenna]

UPDATE! he called me today and asked me to hang out for new years eve with him since he didn't make it out of town. I told him that I had plans already and he was upset. I told him that it was too little too late and if he wanted a relationship he couldn't treat me as a last minute thing. It really made me mad that he only was going to call me as a last resort. Like well I didn't get to go snowboarding with my friends so I guess I could see you. I never thought I would have the strength to say NO to him, But it felt so good to take control of the situation! I told him to get a hold of me when I can be a priority and not until I am. who knows if we will ever speak again but you know what I am fine either way! I am so glad I posted last night or I would've been in the same spot as before! I am still questioning my choice and hope it turns out to be the right thing!

[cc2006]

Awesome. From where I'm sitting that was a bold (but good) move. Stand up for yourself ... admit you're worth more ... and do your own thing. Maybe he'll wake up, maybe he won't ... either way you've got options

 

It can be tough finding someone that matches what we want in relationships. Too much time together to me could be not enough time together for you, etc. We learn by communicating and by making mistakes.

 

Picking the girl you're dating as a last resort for the Holiday weekend is a bad mistake. lol

[Momene]

I haven't read through all the replies, so sorry if I'm repeating anything. You don't want to let this go but you have to. Do you really want a lifetime of it?

 

Sorry to say this but no relationship is better than one like this.

 

Good luck.