can long distance relationships work out?

[Blue Skittles]

I've never been in a long distance relationship that lasted for more than 2 months.

 

I've been seeing this guy for over a month now. He lives about a 2.5 hour drive away. Things are starting to get serious fast, too fast even. I know, we need to slow things down. Hes already talking about marriage and things. I guess its because we only get to see each other once every couple weeks.

 

Anyways, things were going AWESOME for like the first month. We had a lot to talk about, we were very passionate, he kept saying how much he likes me. Now, I find things are starting to plummet, and I'm not sure what to do. The thought of breaking up has crossed my mind a few times, but I'm the type of person to give up when things get too difficult.

 

Things are different now. I don't know how to explain that. I just feel so distant from him. Maybe its the holiday season too and I'm with my family. I mentioned that I was going to come back on Friday and he said he would come out and spend a couple days with me on Friday. Then I told him this morning that I'm not going to be back until Sunday, and asked if he still wanted to come out and see me for a couple days, and he said he probably wouldn't be able to. The next time we'll see each other could be the middle of January. I know, it isn't THAT bad, except our phone conversations are getting so... dry now. We don't really have a lot to talk about.

 

I'm just not so sure I want to proceed further into a relationship that is never going to work out, or if I should leave now while I'm not TOO attached. I also think that maybe it might be a good idea if I just be myself without him, and live my own life, without the constant phonecalls and emails, I feel like I've lost a good part of my life because of this guy.

[jengh]

Long distance relationships are very difficult and often end in a split up due to the tension of distance. How old are you?

 

I'm in a long distance relationship and have been for the past 9 months. We live about 2 hours away (2.5 when it's snowing). And yes, it's very hard but we see each other as frequently as possible. The key thing is that both of you are equally involved. What I mean is, if he's doing all of the driving and making all of the effort, you need to give him gas money. Or vice versa which is my case. Equal effort is definitely the important thing.

 

And yeah, of course the phone conversations are getting dry. Try to keep them brief so you don't bore each other. my boyfriend and i talk about twice a day, about 5-10 minutes each time and it seems to work out well. I don't miss him quite as much.

 

Have you said I love you yet? Talking about marriage is a HUGE step. Try to just take things one step at a time.

 

I really hope it works out for you

[shorty20]

you know, sometimes things seem so great in the beginning, but then it just isn't the same. I think if you've only been together for two months and you're already having doubts then it's probably time to either figure out whats bothering you about the relationship and if it's just that it dosen't feel right anymore go with your gut. Only you can know how you feel and if it isn't there, it isn't there.

 

To answer your question though, long distance relationships can work, as long as both people are willing to give 110% and only expect 80% back. With that I mean you have to be willing to make sacrafices and long distance (at least for me) has really only worked when you truly love the person. If your heart isn't it the relationship it will begin to seem more like a hassle.

 

Do you enjoy seeing him and spending time with him when you can? Maybe it just isn't meant to be, but only you can know. I hope I helped, but if you ever need anyone ot talk to you can PM me any time. Good luck!

[Blue Skittles]

When we are together - things are great. Although there is some tension right before he has to leave. But other than that, we had an awesome time last time he came into town. Hes been the one doing the driving, I offer, but he keeps saying there would be no point because he still lives with his parents right now (hes building a house in the summer) and by the time we paid for a room, he might as well come here and stay a couple days. I offer to pay for things like gas, and for when we go out together, but he doesn't let me do that either. I seriously just about caused a fight when I wanted to pay for his supper one night we went out. This weekend I would have had a ride out to where he lives with family that were going that way anyways and he said he would rather come see me at my place. But then when i said i was going to be back later he changed his mind. argh.

 

Yes, hes brought up things like marriage and us being together 'forever' really early, and at first it freaked me out a little, but then i thought it was kinda sweet, so i put my heart out there. Now, it feels like its just going to get broken. I don't know what I did wrong.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Absolutely they can work. I was in one for 6 months before I moved like 5 minutes away from him. I moved cross-country. I was planning to move anyhow so when my honey came into my life, the timing was immpecable.

 

But of course, they take much work, committment and sacrafice on behalf of both persons. My boyfriend and I talked on the phone everyday. We used instant messenger, webcams. We also have a private website just for us to post pictures, favorite songs, things we like to do someday, virtual dates. We also sent little things to one another. He sent me flowers and sent him a kitten I made at "Build-a-Bear", dressed him up in a hiking oufit because he loves to hike. I also made visits to him as well.

 

You and your boyfriend both have to want this and work at it...together. Also, the distance cannot be anything permanent. At one point one or the other has to move closer to the other, or meet one another half way.

 

I wish you all the best in your LDR.

[shes2smart]

I don't know that you did anything "wrong," really. Some people just aren't cut out to do LDRs.

 

I couldn't do an LDR. I need someone to be physically there to interact with in person on a frequent basis to build a relationship with them. When I first met my husband (online) he lived about 2 hours' drive away. He picked up and moved to where I was about 3 months after we started dating because even that small distance was unmanageable long term. In fact, I almost didn't agree to a date with him in the first place because the distance between where I lived and he lived made him geographically undesirable.

 

Fortunately for me, he was persistent and decided on that first date that he HAD TO be with me (he proposed a week after), and was more than willing to follow through and do whatever it took to make that happen -- even if that meant uprooting his life to move it to where mine was.

 

Perhaps you are trying to do something that your own personality would rather you didn't.

 

LDR's work for some people, but I think those folks maybe don't want a "full time, all-the-time" kind of relationship in the first place. Nothing wrong with that at all...if that's what both people truly want and that's what fits into their lives, that's cool. It's also different when a situation comes up where a couple undergoes a temporary separation due to something like a work commitment (If I remember right, shorty20's husband is in the military). I see that as being different than meeting someone who currently lives somewhere other than you do and trying to build a relationship with them.

 

Perhaps you should do a little digging within yourself and see if maybe the whole idea of an LDR fits in with what you'd ideally want. If it doesn't, and you intend on staying in this relationship, someone's going to have to take the leap and move. If this relationship ultimately doesn't work out, then you might want to look a little closer to home in the future.

[amtjrtcet]

I hope they can work. My b/f & I have been together for 8 months. The 1st 4 months I lived 40 mins away in "D", he lived in "M". In August I moved about 10 mins from "M" and rented an apartment. Our relationship has grown stronger and stronger. I just bought a house in "D" (again 40 mins away.) I couldn't pass it up, I had to do what was best for me, I'm moving in 2 wks.

 

40 mins may not seem that far, but we both work 2 jobs and can really only see eachother a few days a wk as it is. I hope I'm not committing relationship suicide-but even though I have never been so in love, we've never talked about the FUTURE, and I had to look out for my best interest, I didn't see how renting was going to benefit me.

 

Its gonna take a little extra work, & since he lives with his parents he'll be the one doing most of the driving to my place. We'll see.

[Lynnie]

They absolutely can work out. But getting into one, both parties have to realize that LDR's take FAR more effort than a "regular" relationship. There isn't the physical aspect which, while not the most important, is extremely important. You have to be able to handle only speaking to your partner over the phone or internet for, at the very least, days at a time, sometimes more like months.

 

I've been in an LDR for 2.5 years. We met online and live ten-eleven hours apart. It's easier for me to travel, so I make trips to see him when I can, but that only ends up being about a two week trip every six or seven months. We both work and attend college classes, so it's difficult to coordinate our schedules. We talk in the evenings on the phone and on the internet.

 

What's important is to keep it fresh any way you can. Send each other little gifts, not necessarily presents, but little love emails, written notes, etc. Don't feel bad if it doesn't work out for whatever reason, because by no means is an LDR for everyone. It takes an extremely committed relationship to last the distance for any length of time. I got lucky and the person I met and fell in love with was and is just as committed as myself. We're now engaged and will be moving in together for good in a few short weeks.

 

I wish you luck and just remember to do what's best for both involved. Your happiness is just as important as his, so I'm sure you'll both decide on the right course of action. Just remember to talk to him, because if nothing else, communication is the MOST important aspect of ANY relationship.

[Blue Skittles]

Oh ---- and just for the record, he is still signing into the online dating site every other day. I'm not a jealous type of girl, and I'm not going to work myself up over THAT, but, obviously, I'm just not enough for him.

[kellbell]

What? I don't understand. Why is he frequenting a dating site?

[Blue Skittles]

thats what i would like to know!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kellbell]

Well, I guess this begs the question are you exclusive? And if you are, I would tolerate that at all.

[Blue Skittles]

we're boyfriend and girlfriend. What do i say... I know you're still visiting hte online dating site??

[kellbell]

How come you were checking up on him? Are there trust issues going on in your relationship?

[Blue Skittles]

thats a good point, I'm not sure why I was checking up on him. I guess was just checking to see if he ever did delete his profile like he told me he would. There are no trust issues at all. at least not yet. teh topic came up when he wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend and thats when i asked if we should jsut delete our profiles then.