She broke up with me over the phone.

[drum4god]

It can't say I didn't see it coming. I felt it in my gut. Its strange how it happened. But I spoked to her today, and we talking about working out. I complianed about not having a butt. I said I have to work on it, and she said yes. I asked Is it that bad? and she said "well you know what they say if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it". I was taken by that. Wow, that is pretty scathing, she didn't say anything after that.

 

I didn't say anything, but I called her later and told her I was really PO'd one what she said. Its not what she said, I mean she was honest, and its true I have no butt, but its how she said it. She appologized, but then it opened up to other things. She then said, I can't do this anymore. She said I realize I am hot and cold with you and its not fair to you. She said she tried and tried, but just didn't have the feelings. She told me (and this hurt me) I realize you are not the man for me, and I was with you for the wrong reasons. She said she wanted it in her head, but it wasn't in her heart.

 

I was tempted to ask her why did she come back to me after she broke up with me last January. She broke up with me again last month, and then called me up the next day saying she loved me. This time I just accpeted it. I said there is nothing I can do, I have to accept it. I told her I can't make you feel what you can't feel. I told her I am not going to fight for you anymore. I did everything I can. I told her it would be hard, but I'm strong. She thanked me for putting up with her. I said well I loved you, I really did. She didn't say anything. She did say she was sad, but relieved. Its funny she said the same thing last year, when she broke up with me.

 

I am hurting, but not as bad as I thought I would be. I was in love with her, but there comes a point where your heart starts to turn, and you say to yourself. What the $%0@! I deserve better. I even told her this. I told her I read a scripture today (I even started a thread on this a few weeks ago). "Without wood a fire dies". I told her that is what was happening with me.

 

So its going to be tough. It doesn't help we both go to the same church, and we are both not leaving. I am the drummer, and she is very involved also, so that will be tough. I did tell her I would be coridial if I see her.

 

This really blows. I really loved this girl. Man, love seems so elusive to me. Its either they are in love with me, and I don't feel the same way, or vice versa. Its frustrating, but I am not going to whine and complain. I just got to suck it up, and move on. I have God, I have my family, I have good friends, and I have this awsome community to help.

 

I will be counting on you guys quite a bit.

[annie24]

hey - I am sorry that it ended this way. but in a way, it is better now than later. I would definitely take this breakup to be the last straw, it is over, kill any hopes of getting back together again, because you have been through this yo-yo too many times.

 

I have seen it happen, and it sucks, when someone says that their head wants something but the heart doesn't. well, ok, whatever. I would just accept her breakup as the final answer and don't get sucked back into playing a cat and mouse game anymore.

 

today is the first day of the rest of your life. good luck

[Dako]

I'm so sorry you went through this twice with her.

Your mature acceptance has to help you recover.

Hang in there and be kind to yourself.

[ladyeve]

Hang in there, friend! You will find the love you deserve one day. Just be good to yourself and keep your heart open.

[redandblack]

Wow.

 

Sorry to hear about this. You definitely deserve better. She got you when you were weak and looking for reassurance -- a real low blow. Don't talk to her any more; don't give her any more chances; she got her second chance -- and she blew it. Give it some time. You'll find someone who is attracted to you physically and mentally -- someone who respects you for who you are. These are things she didn't do.

 

We're here for you -- take care!

[Shaker]

Join the club. I think our exes must have gone to the same school, and graduated with degrees in 'phone dumping'. And mine expressed relief, too.

 

I don't feel relief yet, but I guess it will come.

 

Sorry to hear about your situation. It was really nice of you to give her another chance in the past. Goodluck.

[drum4god]

Thanks everyone. I know I am no different than many others on this board, but I couldn't sleep all night. This woman wasted a year of my time. I'm not upset she didn't love me. Thats life. I am upset she wanted to get back, after she broke up with me. She made me believe she loved me. We broke up again last month, and she called me back saying she loved me. That is what bothers me. If you don't feel anything like you say, why do this.

 

I can understand if I did something bad to her, and it drove her away, but I was good to her. I gave space, I gave her attention, I gave her affection, I was good to her family, I tried to make her happy. That is what baffles me. That is what gets me upset. She knows I am marriage minded. She knew I don't date just to date.

 

It bothered me she said she was relieved. Christmas eve, she seemed so happy to be with me. Even my family told me she looked so happy with me. I guess looks are deceiving.

 

The truth is I should be relieved. I should be happy I don't have to worry about is today she going to be hot, or cold. But in a crazy way, I still love her. There is still that part of me that wishes she'd come back. Yeah, I know! I'm crazy. I am, but it doesn't matter, what she said should dash any hope. When someone says, they wanted in their head, but didn't feel it in their heart. Ouch!

 

She did tell me the first time she didn't have feelings, but didn't say that. She did say she was relieved. Will she come back again? Oh! What am I doing? I am still trying to find a glimmer of hope she will come back. Why? Why do I want the games, and uncertainty.

 

Well, I am back on the NC train. This is for me, not for her, but man is this tough.

 

God bless everyone!

[Ellie2006]

Hey there,

 

Are you okay?

 

This is such an obvious comment but please be extra kind to yourself during the healing process -- you have to get some rest (sleep), eat, exercise/ get fresh air, hang out w/ friend (both offline and online), etc etc.

 

Hang in there!

 

Hugs,

Ellie

[arrrrffff]

...its not fair to you. She said she tried and tried, but just didn't have the feelings. She told me (and this hurt me) I realize you are not the man for me, and I was with you for the wrong reasons. She said she wanted it in her head, but it wasn't in her heart.

 

That's basically what my ex said to me over the phone.

 

drum4., my relationship was for 3.16 years, and it's been 9 weeks, going on 10. I know it hurts, and you feel kind of angry right now. I think she did love you after your breakup, but something made the flame fade.

 

Anyways, you WILL feel sadness, pain, anger etc... but you will find someone who truley loves you. Don't waste your time and energy on something that is broken now.

 

Happy Holidays.

[Mavis VDSande]

I just wanted to say that sometimes we think that we have found the right person for us, but for some reason or other God has a better person in plan for us, not the person we want at the time. But someone better for us emotionally & spiritually. So keep trusting in God drum4god and say goodbye to this time and look forward to the future!!

 

Hugs x

[drum4god]

Thanks for the encouragement. I really need it. I am going through alot of emotions right now.

 

I feel foolish that I believed she loved me, when she didn't. I feel angry that she came back to me twice without my urging. I am sad that I gave my heart to this women, and she didn't want it, or know how to handle it. I feel frustrated that I am back to the drawing board, getting over a heartbreak, going out there again etc.

 

However, I do feel some relief that I don't have to wonder what she is feeling. Because she was hot and cold, she always had me guessing. I feel good that when she broke up with me I maintained my composure and dignity. I didn't beg, cry or get angry at her. I told her I would wave at her at church, and I thanked her for trying. I feel good that though she didn't love me I did bless her life, I respected her, and loved her the best I can.

 

Most importantly I am greatful that the Lord knows my hurt, and will turn this for good. I know that he will bless me with a women that will blow my mind (in a good way). I am also greatful that I have great friends and family, and some loving people on this board who will help me get through this time. I can't wait for the day I come here telling you guys about the great woman I have been blessed with. I believe it will be sooner than I think.

 

Watchout ladies. I'm on the prowl!

[Lady Bugg]

Hi Drum....I too am very sorry to read what has happened...but you know...down the road there is a VERY good chance you will be thanking her for giving you this blessing in disguise. This relationship had you on pins and needles the majority of the time. At least NOW you can relax. Yes..you will miss her....NO DOUBT....but this too shall pass.

 

You have SO much to offer someone....please know that.

As another poster said..she got her second chance and SHE blew it...

and this could easily become one of those revolving door relationships.

Don't be that person. If you're strong and you KNOW you're strong....

be true to yourself....and don;t go back ever again.

 

(WOW wish I could practice what I preach..haha)

 

Best to you D4G....

[SuperDave71]

Drum...

 

 

I am sorry for your loss. I feel you are about to transform into what you have always wanted to be...in time. You stick to your guns and know that we are 100% with you in this one.

 

If you need anything...you just shout.

 

I am here is you need me...feel free to contact me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[samross]

You helped me a few minutes ago. I just wanted to thank you again and relay a couple events in my life that in the past month I've tried to apply to me. When I was in highschool there was a girl I wanted to marry but she wasn't interested. We dated all through highschool. Several years go by and I ended up introducing her to the brother of a girl I was dating at the time. They ended up getting married. Fast forward about 10 years and I ran into her. After three kids her husband informed her that he was gay. They divorced and she could not stop telling me what a mistake she had made in her life not marrying me. Just this year a girl I dated after highschool tracked me down via the internet. She was a girl I also thought would marry me but she married another fellow. Years passed and then she contacted me on the net. Same story, three kids, divorced... She actually called me and was crying telling me what a mistake she had made. From these two experiences I guess I've come up with the conclusion that I was too good to them at the time. They both were atracted away from me to men that seemed to be a better catch. I don't know why some women (and men) are like that. I never changed myself to be a bad guy but I really think that's why some relationships don't work. Maybe in your case you're doing too much for her. I've wonder that about my current situation.

[drum4god]

Ladybug,

 

Thanks, I do believe I will look at this as a blessing in disguise. Right now it the wound is still fresh. I just pray I will be strong when I see her on Sundays.

 

SD,

 

You are the man! Thats for your PM's and encouraging. It means more to me than you know.

 

Samross,

 

Thanks for sharing those experiences. I had it happen to me before also. I believe one day she will regret not being with me. I really believe that, but it will be too late.

[hosswhispra]

Most importantly I am greatful that the Lord knows my hurt, and will turn this for good. I know that he will bless me with a women that will blow my mind (in a good way).

 

A prayer that helps me get through tough times is--Oh Sacred Heart of Jesus, I am labored and burdened, please give me rest. Knowing that you're a man of faith I am comfortable writing that here for you.

 

You will get through this....

[drum4god]

Thanks so much.

 

I am actually doing much better today. Last night I went with a friend for coffee. I told him what happened and he really encouraged me. He was pretty blown away on how she was acting. He was saying, she can't be too well emotionally. The more I think about it, the more I can see what he was saying. She was very closed, not only with me, but others. He told me she never seemed joyful. He did say, she was crazy for getting rid of a man like me. He told me that you are a goldmine, and so many women would die to have what she had. Its something I really needed to hear, because I allowed her to sap my confidence. I mean I give you an example.

 

This Sunday in church, I dressed in a suit, and I really felt great. About 10 people, including my Pastor mentioned how good I looked. Even her Mother said "Wow" you look very handsome. She said nothing. Nothing. It was like this all the time. There were only a few times she would compliment me.

 

She just didn't want to give, Perhaps she couldn't. My Mom said she was afraid to give, because if she did, she would not be in control. Who knows, but it seemed like she would only give when I was backing off, and that was not good.

 

I am not here to bash her. We all have our issues, but the truth she wasn't good to me, and I am starting to see this more clearly now. Let me give you an example of what the month of December was like, and this is why my friend said she was not well emotionally.

 

Dec 3 - We go out for her birthday with friends. She was warm, kind affectionate in the restaurant. When I drive her home, I try to kiss her, and she closes her mouth. She didn't do this before the restaraunt or after.

Dec 4 - I take her to dinner at nice restaurant. She doesn't feel like talking much, we talk about her job for most part. We go see the Nativity movie, and she is so warm and cuddly in the theatre. I give some of her gifts, and she was very happy. I drive her home, and she is distant, and again she closes her mouth when she kisses. I say I love you, and she says God Bless.

Dec 11 - We have a party in her brothers house, we have a good time, and after I drive her home, we have an awsome conversation, and she is all over me (not sexually) real warm, touching my hair, kissing me, and telling me we are going to have a great year.

Dec 12 - She is cold and distant, and doesn't want to hang out with me.

Dec 18 - We go to her co-workers wedding. I get along with all of them, they are all very nice to me, and tell me how much Jessica braggs about me. We don't talk much, and she makes a comment about the way I lean over my food when I eat. It bothered me, but I didn't say anything. We good home, and again she is distant and cold.

Dec 20 - She calls me so happy, telling me how much her co-workers loved me. She was so happy, and tells me she loves me.

Dec 21 - After telling me she didn't want to go to my parents for Christmas eve, she told me her Mother thought it was OK to go with me (she was worried her mother was alone). She even said she was excited, and very warm. We exchange I love you on the phone

Dec 24 - She sees me in church, but doesn't say I look good, but she held my hand outside the church (something she never does), and give me too big kisses.

I pick her up and she greets me with a few big kisses, and she is very happy. We go to my Aunt's and have a great time. My family even tells me she looks so happy to be with me. We then go to her Mom's and exchange gifts. We are laughing taking pictures, and having a great time. I was so happy, and felt she was also. She loved my gifts. She gave me a nice coat, sweater and tie, and wrote a nice card. Things were great.

Dec 25 - I call her on the phone, and she seems very distant. I tell her I love her, she says bye. I called her later, because I was supposed to go to her Grandmothers in the Bronx. I asked her if it were O.K If I didn't go. The trip was far for me, the weather was bad, and I had to work early in the morning. She said no problem. She said we will pray tomorrow on the phone. I tell her I love her, she says God Bless you!

 

Then on Dec 26, you know the story.

 

I gave you just what December was like. I can tell you that what you saw in December was pretty much every other month. It was unlike anything I have ever been through. She had me guessing, and I makes me wonder if she has some emotional issues. It could be she was just confused, but I don't know.

 

I know I was hopeful, but believe me the times she was warm, she was incredible. She was the sweetest, loving person, but unfortunately those times were few and far between. Its as she acted that way to just keep me around. She dangled the carrot, and I fell for it.

 

I am happy to say that I realize that this woman was actually poison to me. She did more to bring me down that lift me up. I have had women that didn't like me the way I have (not many though "wink, wink") but they wouldn't do these things to me.

 

So in a way I'm relieved

[annie24]

hey - I am glad that you are getting a little bit of perspective. I bet as time goes by, you will find more instances where you say, 'Hey! that was rude when she did/said that....." I've had that happen too, where I just wake up in the middle of the night and remember something random that happened months ago, that didn't bother me at the time, but now, I was livid.

 

Anyways, this is all healthy, a good step for you. I would definitely write out things you remember about her and write them down, either online or on paper. maybe on paper in a place you can see it often so you don't fall back into trying to get her back or being nostaligic about the wonderful memories. nostalgia is great once you've healed.

 

hang in there. I hope you have a good NYE, and I am sure the future holds a better woman for you, one who is not so hot and cold.

[SuperDave71]

drum4God,

 

 

I admire you! I really do. Why? Very simple. Despite your circumstances, you are able to use your brain instead of your heart. We have been so guilty of over-romaticizing our ex's and putting them before us because when we have been neglected, we actually start believing we deserve or expect to be treated this way.

 

Isn't it amazing how we want our ex's back but if you ask someone why during an emotional crisis, they typically reply "I just want them back"..or "Because I love them".

 

The sad thing about the last statement is the reality of...

 

You can love them all you want and give 100%..BUT...when love, respect, honesty and honor are NOT reciprocated 100%...you must ask yourself why the heck am I doing this.

 

I work for a paycheck. i do not work for fun...there is a reason I work.

I have bills just like everyone else. If I worked for the fun of it and expected the bills to magically disappear ( deny the issues in the relationship and hope that they just go away) what do I gain? NOTHING

 

One of the worst things I did years ago was to tell myself "Don't upset her"..."Don't tell her how you feel because if you hurt her feelings..she will just yell at me.." HOLY COW!!! I cannot believe I actually believed that.

 

That simple statement allowed me to NEVER grow because I allowed her to walk over me, my feelings and opinions. It was all my fault and I didn't know it.

 

All I wanted to do was make her happy. The question I asked myself several times later was....why make her happy when she can't make

 

a) herself happy

b) anyone else happy (including me)

 

 

I believe misery loves company. I despise the fact that when you start to notice the "Red flags" it is usually a good sign that the relationship is in denial.

 

They have been thinking about the breakup or someone else or they would rather be alone than with you. We suddenly end up trying harder and pushing and pushing to make them "be the way we were in the beginning"..

 

YUCK! How sickening! What I mean is...when we give 200% for the one's we love..we exhaust our love, money, emotions and time and they probably NEVER wanted to work it out in the first place. Granted there are exceptions....I believe people need time...but if you watch with yoru head AND your heart....I think we can learn to prevent the harsh breakups of the future.

 

 

drum...

 

Keep on drumming and you continue to dress in your suit. You have your values and your head AND HEART in the right place.

 

Just think, one day..the woman of your dreams will be sitting beside you in church....holding your hand, singing and worshiping with you.

 

 

what better feeling is the love of a woman? The love of God when helps us learn from our mistakes. Seek and you will find.....

 

 

I wish you well my friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[Juliana]

Yeah....sorry I'm a little late with this one; I was reading your "I have no a**" thread first, and hit the surprise ending and came over here.

 

First of all, might I just say, the majority of women are not, I repeat not, attracted to men's a**es. Wrists, eyes, hands, mouth; that's what attractive on a man. Not their rear ends. Ignore the propaganda. You are focusing on the wrong area -- if you want to attract women, that is.

 

Okay. She says she's relieved? That's okay. It's good that she's relieved; the Lord has made it clear to her that she is not the woman for you, and she's relieved that she's able to stop pretending to be something she's not.

 

But you, too, have some relief coming, because you were disappointed in this relationship for a long time. And that's okay. It's okay to date someone, love them, and find that you are not each other's long-term mates. I know it's frustrating to hope for something more to develop, and sometimes we may think the other person is holding out on us, but they're not. They want to fall in love, and be happy, too. It just isn't going to happen between you, and it isn't going to happen for either of you at the same time. Chances are, you'll meet someone before she does, from the sounds of things, but then, she might meet someone else first -- and who knows what will happen in those relationships -- but the reality is, you both belong to God, first, and that is the relationship that has to claim your first, and highest loyalty.

 

I think you aren't giving yourself enough credit, and that very soon you are going to cast off your disappointment and recognize that you are just as happy as she is that this relationship has ended it's romantic phase.

[drum4god]

Thanks so much SD, Juliana, and everyone else.

 

Today is a litte tough. Yesterday I was felt strong. I was looking back on how she treated me, and even felt relieved. Today its different. Actually it started last night. I was cleaning my apartment, and I read some cards she wrote me, and it mad me sad. She wrote some beautiful things, and it made me think. What was she feeling when she wrote it. Did she really feel what she was writing. It sure appeared that way, because I was reflecting on that time. I remember her eyes lighting up seeing me. I remember the warmth, I remember the kindness she showed that time. I remember her telling me with all sincerity and joy "I am so happy". I remember her looking deep in my eyes and telling me she loved me, and at times almost coming to tears because she was so touched. It was a great time, but unfortunately it was just for a short time. What happened? What did I do, for her to lose that spark, or that love? Its kind of scary to think that love that seemed so real, could just go away so quick. I stayed around because I know in my heart that was not an act on her part. That is why I put up with the games, and uncertainty. I was doing everything to recapture those times. I tried to figure out, what I did wrong, but it was unfruitful.

 

Anyway, I have to move on, and I know it is for the best. I can't dwell on the what ifs, and whys, and hows. The truth is probably will never know, so why try and figure it out.

 

I am a little sad, but I am not devestated. I am not crushed. I am functioning well. I feel hopeful, I feel peace in my heart. In a strange way I even feel I am regaining my confidence. I have a tenacious spirit, and a resisliant heart.

 

I will feel the pain, but I'm embracing it. It is making me stronger. I am proud that many others in my shoes would be devestated and crushed. But not me. This is going to make me an even better man, and I am excited to see what God has for me. I know he has great things ahead.

 

I just needed to write that for myself.

 

For those who are hurting. Don't let your ex's ruin your New Year. Let the New Year represent new beginnings, new blessings, and new opportunities. Don't look back, look ahead. You can't change the past, but you can change what is ahead.

 

Be strong, and God Bless!