no idea what's going on, a little help over here, (it's long, sorry)

[guyoverthere]

Hello all,

Hoping someone might have some advice for me.

Three years ago I met a beautiful, intelligent, sexy,funny girl. We fell madly in love. She had just turned eighteen and I was twenty-one. A month after we met she went off to college but we decided to continue the relationship.

In her freshman year, I travelled four hours every other week (sometimes every week) to see her. In her sophmore year, she took a semester off school to live with me. In her junior year, I quit my job, and moved to the town where she was living (and still lives) taking a less paying (but oddly, very satisfying) job in the process.

Last year around this time, my old boss (I'm a chef) told me he was opening a new restaurant. He asked me if I wanted to be a part of it, threw a big number at me, and away I moved to help him open.

My girlfriend was not happy, but she supported me. I worked like a madman for six months opening and fine tuning the place neglecting her in the process. In the meantime, she had come home from school and took a job in another restaurant waiting tables.

At this point, even though we were living in the same town, we were hardly seeing each other. We had stopped spending quality time with each other (like lying in bed even though we were both awake - talking, hugging, laughing, joking around, other -wink wink).

It was also at this point that she began to develop a friendship with another guy - let's call him Paul. They started hanging out very frequently. At first I felt a little threatened, but we talked and set up some parameters (no hanging out with him after 2am, no watching movies with him alone in his apartment, etc.) and I was perfectly fine.

One night, about two weeks after the "parameters" chat, she came home at 4:30 in the morning - WASTED. She acted as if I should have been fine with it, which I wasn't but I didn't freak out and we didn't fight (breaking up was on the mind though). A few days later, sitting in her living room, Paul texted her, and since I had just used her phone, I checked it. She was sitting right next to me. He wrote something about how hot she looked the night before. I got upset. We broke up. No fight though. It was amicable.

Here's the problem.

We live in the same suburb of dc. It's small. I still love her. We are good friends. She tells me constantly that she still loves me. It's gotten physical once since the break-up. After the break-up I was ok. Since physical, I've been slipping (drinking alot, depressed, screwing up at work). I work with here sister, so I can't go "NC" as you guys put it and I can't quit my job because my boss would be screwed (I'm pretty talented and know the place inside and out). I'm sinking fast here people and I really need some help.

[little_fish]

Hey,

 

hang in there! This is the toughest time of the year...

 

It is not clear to me what you want from her, yourself and your relationship?

Do you want to get back with her?

[guyoverthere]

Well kinda. When I'm with her I do. I still love her so much but I don't think we can ever get "it" back. Plus, she tells me that she doesn't know what she wants: me, someone else, to be alone, she doesn't know. Then when I tell her I'm thinking about quitting the job and leaving town, she gets upset. Everytime we get together, she cries... I don't know. I just feel miserable.

[guyoverthere]

Also, I'm very close with her entire family. My family and hers are close. We both share the same turf, with the exception of where she goes to school. She graduates in May and when she does she'll be coming back to the area and I don't think I'll fare well if we live in the same town (like a mile and a half apart) and are not together. I don't think we can be "just friends". At least not now.

[valenski]

Is there no way you guys can work this out before its too late? Call me optimistic but I think there is some hope. Go super romantic, flowers, lovepoems/letters, candle light dinner, you have alot riding on this dont give to your depression.

[little_fish]

"Kinda" just does not cut it. I always ask my friends the same questions when they are in a similar situation, and the answer is always indicative of their state of mind and emotions.

 

If you want to be with her you need to have a serious discussion about what you both want. She says she does not know then give her time to figure out what it is she wants, plus you need to figure it out too.

 

You need to figure out how to make time for her in your busy life and how to have quality time that you mentioned.

 

You both seem to have a lot of other things going on in your lives and heads at the moment. You seem to feel guilty that she is feeling so down, but this guilt is an indication that you are not treating her right. She gets emotional but in a way it shows her guilt too, since she does not know what she wants. Even if it means breaking it off with her completely, you should not feel trapped. Knowing her family brings a lot of pressure into the situation. However, if confronted by them, her sister in particular, you need to clearly explain to them that you are giving each other time to figure out what you want.

 

Then, go strict NC at least for three months. I know it is incredibly hard but hopefully during this time you will both understand what you want a little better.

 

Meanwhile, fight your depression off!

 

Hope this helps!