Either You're Married or Single

[Daligal83]

Aren't you trying to do the same?

 

I'm confused though..what rules am I making up?

[terk2021]

Being single means that you are not in a committed relationship. Boyfriend/girlfriend means that you have a established a relationship when you are not seeing anyone else. Progression in that relationship leads to a more serious commitment like living together or becoming engaged.

 

That's where life get's interesting. It's 2 people saying they want to be together. It's like taking a lease on a car and both test driving it for "X" period of time. If they like it, they buy it. If not, they can trade it in or just move on...

 

There are so many conflicting views on what marriage means. Marriage is a covenant. It's when 2 people that truly love each other pledge to spend the rest of their lives together.

 

I would not consider myself a religious person, but there is a huge difference in just living together and pledging your lives before God to form a covenant.

[Calvin5]

Daligal

 

Aren't you trying to do the same?

No...lol.

I'm saying that unless you're married you shouldn't make up ANY rules....especially those you'll live to regret.

 

 

I'm confused though..what rules am I making up?

 

Ok, you said:

"I trust my boyfriend to be committed to me and not sleep around, but I'm not rushing to get married because we are young and haven't been together long enough. I don't see anything wrong with expecting that of him and for him to expect that of me."

 

Why would you expect an demand that a person who hasn't declared a social commitment (e.i. marriage) exclusively to you, NOT sleep with anyone else?

 

If you don't want to sleep with anyone else....fine....but why demand it of him?

 

See...you're making up your own rules and expecting others to follow them.

[Calvin5]

Well, I take back what I said about not making up any rules.

 

Everyone should have standards, but I mean hard-line rules that you expect others to honor.

[Daligal83]

That's not making up a rule. If you are in a relationship, and have agreed to be exclusive with each other, it comes with the expectation that you will not sleep with others. That is why people get dumped and hurt over cheating. You don't have to be married to make that commitment to each other. I am not out of line expecting that from my boyfriend, because it is an agreement that we made together. It was an unspoken agreement when we decided to exclusively date and a spoken one when we actually talked about it. If this was not a common "expectation" then you would not have the infidelity topic on this website.

 

And saying that you are allowed to sleep with whoever you want until the day you get married...is also a rule that you want others to follow.

[Calvin5]

Daligal

 

You said you and your boyfriend have an "unspoken" agreement to be exclusively with eachother and no one else.

But unless you're a mind reader, how do you KNOW he's agreed to this?

 

Again you MADE UP that rule....didn't even tell him about it....and EXPECTED him to obey that rule whether he really agrees to it or not, lol.

And this is wrong..........

 

Why would you even assume that he agreed to this when you know how much most men tend to enjoy sex with other women?

Is your boyfriend so saintly that he's above finding other women attractive enough to sleep with them?

 

Wait wait wait...now listen, I'm not trying to raise doubts about your boyfriend in particular, I'm just saying women in general act so gullible as to believe and expect that a man...especially one not married...is supposed to be beholden to them and them alone. History has proven that his is rarely ever the case.

 

So why do you all constantly set yourselves up for the disappointment?

 

 

 

Sleeping with whoever you want is not a rule...it's just a personal preference like eating fast food vrs home cooked meals.

[Daligal83]

How about having an exclusive relationship is a personal preference?

 

When you agree that you are dating someone exclusively, as in this is my boyfriend/girlfriend, that means that you agree not to date/sleep with others. This is not a rule I have made up. I think if you asked others on this site, they would agree. That is the unspoken rule. Otherwise..what's the point of having a girlfriend or boyfriend at all?

 

Also, if you kept reading you'd see that it is also a spoken rule with us. The unspoken part came in because of that general expectation that comes with us being in a relationship, and also because we trust each other.

 

Can I ask..what does it mean to you to be in a relationship? If you call someone your girlfriend, what does that mean to you?

 

Also, I'm not saying that there is one right way to be with someone. But expecting your significant other to be loyal to you is a societal norm. Not something I've thought up out of nowhere. If you want to sleep around with whoever you want, that is your decision. Just make sure that you inform everyone you are sleeping with of that situation and be safe about it. Just don't expect to settle down and find a nice woman by doing that. I don't know many woman that would be OK marrying a guy that sleeps with other women up until the day they get married.

[Calvin5]

Daligal

 

 

How about having an exclusive relationship is a personal preference?

Yes, that too is a personal preference....as long as both parties clearly agree to this.

 

 

When you agree that you are dating someone exclusively, as in this is my boyfriend/girlfriend, that means that you agree not to date/sleep with others. This is not a rule I have made up. I think if you asked others on this site, they would agree. That is the unspoken rule. Otherwise..what's the point of having a girlfriend or boyfriend at all?

But moral rights and wrongs don't necessarily depend on what others on this site or even the majority of society agrees with.

 

 

With children, boyfriend/girlfriend play is natural and is like "mock marriage".

Among adults.....the original point of having a boyfriend/girlfiend was to try someone out to see if their were marriage material....but people just got lazy and irresponsible and decided not to take that next step.

 

Again, they wanted to eat thier cake and get their full while still having some left.

They didn't want the responsibilities and duties that went along with marriage, and that's the case today for the most part.

 

 

Can I ask..what does it mean to you to be in a relationship? If you call someone your girlfriend, what does that mean to you?

I don't call any woman I date my girlfriend now and make it clear.

As far as I'm concerned the only relationship in which I'll agree to remain exclusively with a woman is in marrying her.

 

 

 

Also, I'm not saying that there is one right way to be with someone. But expecting your significant other to be loyal to you is a societal norm. Not something I've thought up out of nowhere.

But that's marriage.

Everything you're describing is a characteristic of MARRIAGE....

That's why MARRIAGE was invented...lol...so if you want that you can have that.

Again...people want to have their cake and eat it too.

 

If you want to sleep around with whoever you want, that is your decision. Just make sure that you inform everyone you are sleeping with of that situation and be safe about it. Just don't expect to settle down and find a nice woman by doing that. I don't know many woman that would be OK marrying a guy that sleeps with other women up until the day they get married.

Lol...look how many women don't mind making BOYFRIENDS out of men who have ran around screwing everything that isn't nailed down!

What's the difference?

 

Atleast I'm honest about my behavior and intentions.

 

The other man overthere is doing the same thing, only he's playing "Mr Nice Guy" because he knows it's what you want to hear.

 

Lol....will his lying to you and telling you you're the only one cure any diseases that he may have contracted before your relationship, or any diseases he has yet to catch?

 

 

A woman puts all her heart and soul into some man she expects to remain faithful and faithful to her alone, and a month later after finding out he does what MOST men do........she's ready to either jump of a bridge or condemn all men to death because she feels betrayed.

 

She could have saved herself the emotional turmoil by just accepting the reality of how different men and women are when it comes to sex and relationships.

[RayKay]

I really think your own perceptions are based highly on your own peer group, or expectations, and are not indicative of how everyone thinks. I know plenty of men whose version of being boyfriend ad girfriend means "no sex with anyone else" too, and having the exclusive discussion entails that meaning as well, without having to say it!

 

You can be commited before marriage, in fact in my opinion I would not date, nor marry someone whom only believed you were mongamous as soon as you got married...because not only is that not the person for me, but I don't know ANY man or woman whom cheated BEFORE marriage on their partner whom suddenly was able to stop it after marriage, even if they said they would.

 

As I have said before, commitment does not happen WITH marriage. You can be married and uncommitted, and not married and committed. Commitment is something that happens in the heart and mind whatever piece of paper is between you or not.

 

Dating, being exclusive a while before getting married does not make it a "mock marriage", because you can't in my opinion skip the entire step of getting to know someone and know you are going to marry them before experiencing what they are like as PARTNERS, not just "dates".

 

It is of course also fine to not want commitment and exclusivity as long as it is laid out and everyone is honest about it. Been there and done that too. But in my relationship with my boyfriend for BOTH sides cheating is a dealbreaker, and if I did not trust the integrity and commitment of my partner I would not be with him. Sure he finds others attractive, I too can find others attractive, but our commitment to one another and what we have together also has us knowing finding someone is attractive is one thing, following up on it is another entirely! We as humans are conscious and in control of our actions, and make choices everyday. We can choose to cheat, or to remain faithful.

 

Not all men are alike, nor are all women alike, and you cannot cast the sins of one person onto all to argue why a belief and one value system is better than the other based on that for everyone.

[Calvin5]

RayKay

 

My opinons are based upon my personal experiences and observations as well as logical conclusions.

 

We all are sensative and sexual beings....some more than others....so why limit yourself when you don't have to?

 

I started off this thread with the observations that single people in relationships seem to be more loyal to eachother than married people in relationships.

 

This is backwards and doesn't make any sense to me why so many single people limit themselves and dedicate their all to another person when they really don't have to....it irks me.

 

Why can't males and females just be friends and have sex without all the emotion and possessiveness?

 

 

I mean, lol....sometimes I feel like telling people I don't even know:

"Look if you love your boyfriend or girlfriend so much...just marry them and get on with it, stop disturbing people with the ups and downs of your crazy relationship"

 

Maybe it's just the way my brain is wired, but I just feel we already have enough rules in life without making up extra rules we don't need.

[Daligal83]

Calvin, I think you're frustrated because you want to be able to sleep around and can't find any truly single people to do it with. So you want people in relationships to be able to so that you can have it the way you want. Otherwise, I can't figure out why you are so upset that people choose just to sleep with their significant others. How could it possibly affect you this much?

 

Why is it so hard to believe that we only be with one person? You said it irks you that single people in relationships "limit" themselves..but I don't see it as limiting myself at all. I have zero desire to be with anyone else, and I know my boyfriend feels the same.

 

RayKay had a good point. If you can't manage to be with one person before you are married, how is that going to change after? Why does a piece of paper suddenly curb all your desires to have multiple partners?

[Calvin5]

As a matter of fact it does, because I agree and take an oath to remain faithful to my one and only and I intend to stand by that.

 

 

 

But I don't believe any man or woman only desires just one person.

Our hormones and brains aren't designed for that type of isolationism.

 

To say you only are attracted to and desire one man is like saying you only like eatting apples and nothing else....lol.

 

There was a man you liked before your current boyfriend, and thier will be men you liked after him.....you just CHOSE to limit yourself to this one.

[Daligal83]

I can find another man attractive without wanting to sleep with him. There is a huge difference. Yes, I am choosing to be with this one guy..and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

I forgot to mention earlier...you said that you base your responses on your personal experiences...but so do the rest of us. We have obviously had extremely different life experiences. Why are yours more right than anyone else's?

[insofar]

Maybe it's just the way my brain is wired, but I just feel we already have enough rules in life without making up extra rules we don't need.

Extra rules like... if you want to be committed you should get married?

 

Cause frankly, that makes a lot less sense to me than the other things you've mentioned.

 

Good to know you know us better than we know ourselves and know how we should run our lives. You go ahead and keep telling people you don't know how they should either be sleeping with multiple people or married, I'm sure it will make you a lot of friends.

[cc2006]

As a matter of fact it does, because I agree and take an oath to remain faithful to my one and only and I intend to stand by that.

 

How is that commitment and oath different than the one I pledge to someone when we're together but NOT married?

 

But I don't believe any man or woman only desires just one person. Our hormones and brains aren't designed for that type of isolationism.

 

Then why get married at all? Aren't you then just limiting yourself and going against your own biology?

 

To say you only are attracted to and desire one man is like saying you only like eatting apples and nothing else....lol.

 

I must be weird, but when I'm with someone they're the only person I see. I guess I just learn to love apples so much why would I want anything else? You can make so many good things out of apples that you'll never get bored.

 

There was a man you liked before your current boyfriend, and thier will be men you liked after him.....you just CHOSE to limit yourself to this one.

 

We chose to be devoted to a single person, pre-marriage. I still don't see why thats so bad. I don't see it as "limiting" myself, I see it as exploring totally what it would be like to have my mate's 100% devotion.

 

I don't think I could get a real "feel" for how a relationship works if we just spent one weekend a month together and the rest of the time were out screwing other people.

 

I get into relationships for emotional intimacy, companionship, and support ... not free sex and a hot meal sometimes.

 

I dunno' where you're located ... but you have a very "spring break" attitude toward relationships. That stuff just doesn't fly everywhere else.

[valiantv]

You'd prefer they weren't loyal?

A lot of people don't want to get married, and why should they? Also marriage can be very expensive

[tictactoe2006]

You'd prefer they weren't loyal?

A lot of people don't want to get married, and why should they? Also marriage can be very expensive

 

True, but not nearly as expensive as divorce LOL ;-)