Still trying to get through this- crisis again

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I hate it when people do this to be honest- but rather than explain everything again- I wasn't expecting to revisit this topic

 

 

I originally joined this forum because I was totally lost- exactly a year ago today I think....... because I'd had a homosexual relationship which had gone sour and was common knowledge. I freaked out and made myself a laughing stock and I looked a real ..... ermm.....anal retentive idiot I guess. I still seem like that I think to many here- everyone here knows how to turn my screw if they want to- just mention the guy or being gay in fact. I don't talk about it because the anger remains and I don't trust anyone enough to discuss it- I still lack a clear place to focus the thoughts.

 

After I came to enotalone I felt such an amazing relief and I was so free and able to think a little bit. I even toyed with going out to a gay club just to experience it- but there was no one I trusted to go with me and Anyway it didn't feel quite right.

 

I guess I'm stubborn and the idea that all my gay friends and standing around waiting for me "to accept the truth" makes me want to run a mile.

 

But early in February this year I met a girl I really liked and it felt really good and we got together. It was really embarrassing and difficult at first- I really didn't want people smirking at me "there's the confused guy" - I just wanted some space and some dignity. And the guy I had had sex with left in April and that made my life a hell of a lot less stressful because I was so scared of him- he was so hurt that I had just stopped talking to him and he really could be very vindictive.

 

But the truth is, I'm totally unimportant to him he's moved on and he's running around having his life. It took me over six months to get an HIV test and it was clear but I still felt stupid that I'd let someone so sexuallyactive have unprotected sex with me. What an idiot! What's going on? Who have I become? i'm still so totally ashamed of myself.

 

I thought it has kind of drifted away. The bitterness still comes out of nowhere all the time and I hate the way my pride and self repsect have been taken away. People feel sorry for me that he did that to me I think- he exposed me very unfairly- but at the same time what I did was stupid.

 

At the time people here suggested I had been raped. What a horrible fine line. I had just been turned down by a girl- I was vulnerable and Bi curious and he jumped on me. I was very very very drunk, but I enjoyed it. After that it became a horrible intense pressure which I couldnt share with anyone- and I made a complete and very public fool out of myself.

 

I have a girlfriend but I stay away from most other people- I'm defensive a lot of the time and I concentrate on work and study but in the quiet moments there 's still so much resentment.

 

And then tonight I found out he's coming back for a visit in the new year. He always comes to my office because he's friends with my coworker (without wanting to sound arrogant- that is just to spite me).

 

I'm a mess and I'm panicking again- I'm so stuck in a whole. I've come so far in terms of not being a victim and I've achieved so much in the year I've been using this forum and aI've got all you guys to thanks so much. I'm still bitter and angry though. It caught me completely by surprise- I'd love some advice right now

 

Sorry its another long one!!

[robowarrior]

You are weak because you don't stand strong in your choices. You are taking too much time in aknowledging wether you are bi-gay or straight. Its ok that it takes time, but by the moment you are getting laid by a guy , you should have made your mind up 'before' that happens. You shouldn't be involved in a relationship if you aren't ready. Come out or stay in the closet, it really doesn't matter to me, but it matters to you what decision you make. Because with it you can choose a path in your life that you want to take. No wonder you are getting emotionally confused, you are letting yourself getting involved in things while you don't have a single clue if its what you really want. You are hesitating in your choices because of the social pressures around you. Who of some state that its wrong to be gay and will give you the looks if you would follow a lifestyle like that.

 

Always defend strongly what you stand for. Show spine and definition in the choices you have made. (i did this because it is the path i want to follow) , i am with this girl because i love her and want to be with her. Look forward, move forward ,Never stand still. Retreat and you will age. Hesitate and you will die.

[kadvati79]

Listen to robowarrior! Make love not war!

 

Mate, we all make mistakes. Sometimes they're public ones.

 

Who cares what this guy thinks, you had sex with him. It was fun. That doesn't make you a poof. And I should know, cause I'm a poof!

 

Remember this: "You are only a victim if you let yourself be". Take responsibility for your own actions, and let other people take responsibility for theirs. Be firm with people. Leave no room for doubt. There seems to be an element of "being cool about things" in your actions, which is partly why you are in this mess. I won't even let my BOYFRIEND kiss me if I don't feel like it at the time.

 

What exactly bothers you about him returning.