Everything (Long)

[_Jaffa_]

This post has a little bit of everything because basically I'm going to get everything out there and get everything out of my mind and into black and white and see what happens. It will either help me somehow or I'll stay the same so what have I got to lose right? I've read a few posts where people have just spilled their guts and I wondered if it helped so here I go.

 

I'm an only child. My dad is a violent, horrible man with a drinking problem. My mother isn't much better. Takes anti depressents like they're smarties, never had a clue how to look after a kid. I learnt how to look after myself pretty quickly. Was left alone a lot, find my own food....all that crap. My dad would beat the crap out of my mum on various occasions in front of me. She hardly ever made a sound, just bled everywhere and cried silent tears. My dad first hit me at the age of 7 after I tried to protect my mother. Since then I got the brunt of his anger or whatever it is he wants to call it, moreso when I hit my teens. My mother started "abusing" me in my teens because she thought it would impress my father or whatever. Didn't really hit me, just said vicious things. I mostly stayed silent, didn't talk at home, tried to stay quiet and in the background at school. Basically, tried to fade away.

 

When I was 14 something happened but I don't really know what. I mean, I have an idea but I don't remember the details. I think I was sexually assaulted, maybe seriously, by my uncle. All I remember is him being there at our house when my parents were both out and talking to him and then waking up on my bed half naked, in pain, with my head feeling heavy and fuzzy. I didn't know what happened but I had an idea. I wasn't really thinking straight and basically ended up trying to hang myself. Spent a week in hospital, got out and things pretty much carried on as usual. I decided to just ignore what happened at home and focus on other things. Made a few aquaintences at school, bad crowd, started hanging out with older people....Met a woman 11 years older than me, had sex with her while we were both drunk, carried on with a sexual relationship for a while. I don't even know why. I guess it was just intimacy or whatever. Difficult situation to get out of since I was so shy and unconfident I let her manipulate into doing whatever she wanted me to do. Finally ended it.

 

Tried to fight back against my dad once. Smacked him in the mouth. For my troubles I got a punctured lung. I never tried it again. It's fair to say I'm scared of him, which is totally wrong. I mean, yeah, you can be afraid of your parents in a kind of parent-kid way but I'm afraid of him and what he might to do me in a scary way. I hate being afraid of him and this situation. Last year I purposely overdosed on sleeping pills. All it did was make me pass out for a few days. I never told anyone, just kept it to myself. I thought I could get away by going to university but a) I'm not clever enough, b) I'm not confident enough, c) I'll never be able to afford it and d) my father says he won't let me do that...that I have to get a job and pay him back for everything he's spent on me over the years. Things just feel hopeless sometimes and I try really hard to put a brave face on it all and act normal. All my friends know that something isn't quite right and they sometimes ask but I always deny it. I guess I'm ashamed of it all. I wish I knew what really happened with my uncle....I see things sometimes and I wonder if what I see actually happened or if my brain is making it up because I'm so desperate to remember. But in another way I don't want to know because what if what happened is so horrible that I can't deal with it and I end up attempting again? And what if my parents know what happened and don't care? I mean, they don't care about what they do to me so why should they care what someone else does? I don't deal with all this very well. I drink too much, I have sex with women I shouldn't, I hardly sleep, I'm basically a mess. And I know I should get some kind of help but that requires admitting and talking about it out loud and I really don't think that I can.

 

This has turned into a rambling mess so I'm going to stop now. Thansk to anyone that waded through it all and got this far. I just gotta figure something out. Or make a descision. Or something.

[rocio]

How close are you to being finished high school? I would recommend moving out and getting as far away from your parents as possible. Get a part-time jobs and save up enough for 2 months rent and a couple extra hundred bucks for food and necessities. Once you're on your own, you will have better perspective and at that point you can decide what you want for a career, etc.

 

Regarding your uncle, I think you should report what happened. Don't worry about the fact that it was a long time ago and you don't remember clearly. That's usually the way it happens in child molestation cases, so the police will be understanding. There are 2 very good reasons for doing so:

 

1. You will gain some of your power back. It will be very hard for you now, but then you will have it off your chest and have some resolution to the whole thing. It will always affect you, but at least then you will be able to move on with your life. You don't want the next 10 years of your life to be a whole string of suicide attempts.

 

2. This can prevent your uncle from doing the same thing to another child. Chances are he's done this to other children already.

 

The best revenge you can get on your parents is to make something of yourself.. Prove that you are better than they were. Since you have been abused, there is a high chance that you will become an abuser. Be aware of that pattern and fight it. Be better than them

 

Pm me anytime.

[Beec]

Jaffa, that a story with a lot fo thigns going on. For now, you seem to ahve checked out of your family, and who could blame you. Fathers are not supposed to beat their children until they puncture their lungs. And I think that seems to be the root of your problems. As far as your Uncle, it may be that he gave you a drug, a date rape drug or something, and did abuse you. Unless you confront him, you are never really going to know. As far as your mother, she seems to have adapted and adjusted to keep herself surviving in this evironment, and part of that is how she treats you. I don't know what else to tell you. The one thing i do know that I would tell you is that you owe your father nothing. Parents have an obligation to their children, LEGALLY, to take care fo their children until they reach the age of majority, i.e. when they can legally take off and go take care of themselves. In the U.S., in most cases as far as I know, the age is 18. At the age of 18, parents can pretty much kick you out at will and send you packing. Before that age, parents are repsonsible, and if they do no want that responsibility, they need to not have children. Now I think I owe my parents alot, but that's because I was the beneficiary of their love, time, effort and money, but I don't think you are in the same situation.

 

I think you could use some counseling probably, but I don't know where you are or where to begin to refer you. As far as soring through everything, and admitting things, I think you have started, and that is a first step. If you can write it here anonymously, you mgiht be able to talk about it.

 

I'll send you a pm, and don't ever think you are not clever enough for college or a university. You've been clever enough to survive growing up in hell.

[_Jaffa_]

I have a year to go. I do have a job but I don't get to keep the money. I've thought about how to move out and I can't think of a way of doing it unless I just go to some homeless shelter or something.

 

This whole being abused turns you into an abuser thing scares the crap out of me. It's the reason why I avoid any kind of relationship. I can't take that risk.

 

How screwed up do you have to be before there's no hope of coming back?

[Beec]

jaffa, jsut you thinking the way you do tells me there is much hope. Hang in there.

[rocio]

 

This whole being abused turns you into an abuser thing scares the crap out of me. It's the reason why I avoid any kind of relationship. I can't take that risk.

 

Don't use this as a reason to cut yourself off. You need healthy relationships in order to heal. I think if you are aware of this pattern, discuss it with your girlfriend (once you're more serious), and go into councilling... then you will be fine.

 

If you talk to your teachers about this, they should be able to refer you to some people who can help you get out of the situation.. social workers and so forth. I personally don't think you should stay in that environment a day longer.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hey Jaffa,

 

You're in the UK, right? If not, let me know.

 

There are people out there who can help you, and help you right now. I'm in Scotland, but you might want to try out the following in the first instance:

 

Doctor - always worth a shot, they are good at referring on; and given that you're 17, should be confidential

Social work department

Samaritans: In the UK dial 08457 90 90 90, for the cost of a local call.

In the Republic of Ireland dial 1850 60 90 90, for the cost of a local call.

They are fantastic when you feel alone: "If you phone, email or visit us we will will not judge you or tell you what to do. We might ask you how you are feeling and invite you to talk about your feelings. We give you the time and space that you need to talk if you want to"

 

Childline: "ChildLine is the free helpline for children and young people in the UK. Children and young people can call us on 0800 1111 to talk about any problem – our counsellors are always here to help you sort it out."

 

The NSPCC say that a child/young person is being abused if they are:

• frequently dirty, hungry or inadequately dressed
  
• left in unsafe situations or without medical attention
  
• constantly "put down", insulted, sworn at or humiliated
  
• seems afraid of parents or carers
  
• severely bruised or injured
  
• displays sexual behaviour which doesn't seem appropriate for their age
  
• growing up in a home where there is domestic violence
  
• living with parents or carers involved in serious drug or alcohol abuse
  

 

I think you should call Childline in the first instance, because they WILL be able to advise you in an expert and competent fashion. There are loads of other agencies that can also help.

 

Keep posting - PM me if you want; I'm away tomorrow until Wednesday, but I will do my best to check in tomorrow am before I go.

 

Take care

[Seko]

Unless you confront him, you are never really going to know.

Most of your post was good, Beec, but I just wanted to point out that confronting your uncle is probably not a good idea.

 

Not only will be probably deny everything that happened, further confusing you, but if your own parents are violent, there is a good chance that your uncle would get violent too, when you bring it up.

 

If I were you, I'd just stay away from him, try to get away from my parents, and look after myself.

It seems like that's the best you can do.

 

You mentioned that you do have friends who care and homeless shelters in your neighborhood.

To be honest, even a homeless shelter sounds better than what you are living with now.

I would take Honey Pumpkin's advice, call childline, see what they say, and then get out my house.

Even if you have to house-hop or live in a shelter for two months, if that is the only way you can escape your home and save money, I think you should do it.

I did the same - house-hopped for two months before splitting town - to get away from a better situation than what you've just described. I don't regret it.

 

Do you think your parents will try to hunt you down?

[Juliana]

"This whole being abused turns you into an abuser thing scares the crap out of me. It's the reason why I avoid any kind of relationship. I can't take that risk. "

 

Yeah, well, you can stop worrying about it, because it's not true. Andrew Vachss works with abused kids, and he points out that in fact the majority of abused children go the other way, and don't abuse, but social service agencies use this claim as a bell to ring whenever they need more funding -- saving kids now means preventing more victims later. Except it's not true; it doesn't work that way.

 

In your situation, I would consider joining the Army. Seriously. They give you a gun, and they take you away from home. Plus you can get a boatload of friends, and an education. I'm not trying to recruit you -- you need an escape now, it sounds like. The army is a definite escape. A friend of mine did it. This might be a stupid idea, and if people want to say so, go ahead.

 

However, you are nowhere near being screwed up. Really. You can tell that kind of thing from the way people write. The things you're feeling & going through are normal for your circumstances. You're not crazy; your situation is.