Close to Breaking Up

[matius]

My gf of 2+ years (1+ living together) and I are close to the breaking point. But I've been searching for the answer & I'm still very confused. I'm not really sure if it's time to leave or try one more time get this relationship corrected...

 

- Our sex life is dwindling, for months. I believe the problem exists because of this growing friction that started a ways back, we're both very stubbon. Daily arguments began to grow into resentment that instead of ingniting our attraction -- seems to have lessened it in my eyes. I think she is bothered by our lack and blames me mostly. I can't say I fully disagree. I hate that she hurts in this manner.

 

- She is applying to out-of-state schools and knows I cannot follow (too many things for me where i'm at). She is saddened by this, and so am I. We do care deeply for each other -- and love is there -- but what does it say that I cannot go?

 

- We've had more than 2 'serious' convo's about where this relationship is headed in the past year. Each time we said we'd try we ended back at the same type of convo.

 

- We have a lot in common and like being together...but all of these serious issues are driving me into the ground. I hurt, she hurts.

 

I don't know if my next conversation after the holidays should be about breaking up, or being blunt about the current situation and seeing how she feels exactly, I don't want to be wishy washy -- but again I'm not sure it's time to leave (the idea fades in & out). Has anyone taken this approach? Turned the relationship around? I'm guessing the sucess rate is low.

 

I've very stressed however that she might be leaving. If she does leave in the next year why would I stick around especially seeing that things have been a little rocky. Is it fair to her to try and really fire up the relationship again & become a better mate only to have her leave for the next 3 years.

 

These are the questions I'm faced with. Rough XMAS.

 

Thx for any thoughts, it's very difficult to explain relationships in a few paragraphs.

[cordelia]

Sorry to hear you are going through this...it sounds to me like if she did decide to leave for school that it would be very difficult to maintain a long distance relationship if things are already rocky to start with. You two have already talked about breaking up twice now, deep down do you believe that the two of you can get down to the root of your problems and be a solid happy couple again ?

It sounds to me like if she stays, then you might be able to give it one more chance and really work out your problems.

But if she decides to go, then it might be time to go your separate ways. I mean a relationship has be very strong to keep up with the long distance thing.

You mentioned that you care for each other and that "love is there". But are you still "in love" with her ?

[Rabican]

My thought is that if things are on the rocks now, going long distance will be the straw that breaks the camels back. So my advice, would be to either move with her, or have her attend school locally. Dont tell me you live in a state without schools I wont believe that.

 

So ya, either try to work it out, or just end it as it seems thats near anyways.

 

If you do stick around and work it out.... maybe try counselling, or sit down and have a good heart to heart about how you feel, why are you fighting, etc.

[cordelia]

Its also hard to fix a relationship where you are fighting everyday for no reason.

Because sometimes, even though you still love each other, what it comes down to is that you two are just not compatible anymore. A lot of relationships break up where one or both people still love each other in some way, but sometimes that's just not enough to make it work.

[FCTex]

Tought situation, I feel for you...

 

I guess the first thing I'd look at is how you guys get along now, and void of the petty arguments and such, where would you like the relationship to be in say.. 3 months, or 6 monts to a year.

 

Now, I know thats all reliant on a bunch of things.. Do you feel that you WANT, or COULD both maintain a relationship with the distance?

 

Thats the first thing to think about. Distance could be the killer here, regardless of the other things..

 

Now, as far the fights leading to no sex.. I can understand that, and when your with someone for a long time, sex generally gets rather mundane.. Try a night evening out, or something new when you both are in good spirits. It helps change her mind about the situation and leaves a good impression on her mind..

 

It sounds like you really want this to work, but hate the "work" that has to be done. It's really like a highway.. When it's first paved, it's smooth, it's pretty, it's new and the lines are bright and clean..Without maintenance, it becomes rocky, and broken, potted and dull. The lines are worn out and it's covered with litter..

 

It sounds like you relationship could use an overhaul.. If you both, want this to work, then by all means, it sounds like you have the foundation obviously.

 

I think instead of offering the axe next time you talk to her about the relationship, you kindly, and compassionately ask her what she wants with this situation and to tell her to be complete honest. You might know what she's going to say, and you might be surprised. If she leaves and wants to work it out, and you do too, then go for it. You've lived together for a year, which in it's own, is a huge huge task. Time apart with sustain a solid relationship. You both will value the time you have together, be it in person, on the phone or a simple text message.

 

I say hold you head up bro.. I'd check the knife at the door and get her take on it, and express the fact you want things to be great again. Rekindle things for Christmas and don't cut the strings too soon, you never know.

[matius]

First off, thank you for each comment. I appreciate your taking the time to give such great advice...

 

Dont tell me you live in a state without schools I wont believe that.

 

It depends, only certain schools have this particular field of study -- where you can get in depends on a mixture of grades & test scores. Not looking good for the local university here. I understand there are better elsewhere for this too.

 

We'll be apart for Christmas this year so I'll have some space to think. As much as it hurts that things have been sliding downhill, it's worse to think she might be leaving. A long distance relationship isn't something I would consider. It's 3+ years she'll be gone. Basically, what I'm saying is if she moves then what's the time worth we spend trying to fix the relationship between now & then?

 

Again, you've given me a lot to think on. So thx. Enjoy the holidays!