Is it time to let him go

[Lonely_1]

After three years of an up and down relationship I have finally told my bf that we just need to be friends. He likes to drink and that is when we fight. Any time I say anything about it he says that I "nag" him. He has gotten really mean with me before while drunk and got up in my face and started screaming. I just don't like him when he's drunk and he can't go out and have a drink or two, he has to get hammered. I have asked him not to drink at home anymore and as soon as I did this he decided to look at joining the military. He is pursuing that now and he has started going out with the guys he works with on occasions and gets totally wasted before coming home. I have given him everything he has wanted. He wanted new camping gear..he got it. Motorcycle, 4-wheeler, expensive mattress, whatever....he gets it. I have done everything I could to make him happy and yet he still thinks that I am the one that causes the problems because I ask him not to drink. He tells me that he is a grown man and he will drink if he wants to and nobody is going to tell him what to do. We were going to get married last hear and I called it off. He now tells me that he just wants to live together for the rest of his life, because he dosen't want to go through another divorce. I always come second to everything he wants. I just love him so much. He lives in my house and I like him being here, but I just can't deal with his drinking. He says that I should just accept him like he is and for me to just get along with him. Every time we argue it is my fault and I cause all the problems, according to him. He reminds me of how easy he is to get along with. He also tells me that I will not find a man that don't drink. I just wonder, am I wrong. I would really like some advice on whether or not to keep trying. He just informed me that he would be going out with some of his friends on New Years Eve. He said that he would ask me to go, but he knows I don't like being around a bunch of drunks, so he isn't going to ask. He ruined last New Years for me because we went to a mutual friends house and he got hammered. I had rented a hotel for us and everything and spent the evening listening to him snore. I know I sound stupid, but I just love him and I don't won't to give up to soon.

[mikeca]

Lay it out on the line to him, either he gets his drinking under control or your gone. this kind of substance abuse will not be tolerated in your house, its okay once in awhile but everytime he drinks?

he seems to be in denial of his problem and maybe faced with the thought of losing you he will seek change.

 

once you say this though you have to back it up, be ready to walk away for good.

[laboheme]

Ooh, I don't like the sound of the whole marriage thing. What's more important -- committing to being with the woman he loves, or avoiding filing divorce papers if things don't work out? And of course he still wants to live together -- who wouldn't want new camping gear and a motorcycle?

 

I don't think you're being unreasonable asking him not to drink so much. It's not like you're asking him to be completely dry all of a sudden, right? You've seen his drinking lead to arguments, and you should not have to tolerate him screaming at you.

 

You said you already told him that you just need to be friends, right? It doesn't sound like he took you very seriously, I'm afraid...

[Lonely_1]

Ooh, I don't like the sound of the whole marriage thing. What's more important -- committing to being with the woman he loves, or avoiding filing divorce papers if things don't work out? And of course he still wants to live together -- who wouldn't want new camping gear and a motorcycle?

 

I don't think you're being unreasonable asking him not to drink so much. It's not like you're asking him to be completely dry all of a sudden, right? You've seen his drinking lead to arguments, and you should not have to tolerate him screaming at you.

 

You said you already told him that you just need to be friends, right? It doesn't sound like he took you very seriously, I'm afraid...

Yeah laboheme, I told him we needed to be just friends. I think he believes I can't live without him. I guess I know in my heart that it is time to move on, sometimes we just need a little validation.

[cchurting]

Hi

I went through the exact same thing with my boyfriend. I am still with him if that makes you feel any better. But why am I still with him...

 

1.) We broke up for a while, he drank constantly for 2 months straight after the breakup. But I was not in his life (NO CONTACT all the way!), so he finally realized he was destroying everything good in his life by his drinking. Once I wasn't around to "nag", he finally got it.

 

all i can say is YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG to be upset about this. But also look a little deeper into the drinking. Excessive drinking could also signal emotional immaturity, or just not being as mature as you are. Or it could signal a big time problem with his ability to deal with problems.

 

Most of reach the point where we do not like going out and getting wasted regularily. I can only hope he gets to that point before you must sever the relationship. This is not something that will solve itself unless he is willing to make a sacrifice.

 

Good luck. Please keep us updated on your situation.

[Lonely_1]

Thank you so much for posting a reply CC. I have struggled with this for a long time. You are right about the dealing with problems comment. When he was going through his divorce he drank all the time. Really, a CASE a day! Even when we were going through problems early in our relationship, I asked him why he drank so much and he said it "dulled" the pain. He even told me that it was more of a comfort to him than I was. Oh my lord, you are so right. I never thought about the emotional immaturity thing!

 

I am happy to hear that a little seperation made things good for you, because it looks like we are headed in that direction. I still have my weak moments where I just want to throw my arms around him and say, whatever you want to do is fine as long as I can have you in my life, but I know that is not healthy for either of us.

 

Thank you for your reply! It really made me think about what "his" problem is and rerealize that it is not my fault! Thank you again!