Got back together-already having a problem

[byates5637]

Me and my ex got back together a few weeks ago. My story is in other posts on this forum. Basically we dated for 2.5 years, she left me (it wasn't a bad break, she just wasn;t sure what she wanted) and i did NC. We were split up for about 8 months, i ignored all her atempts to contact me. Meanwhile she moved 800 miles away for school. She came home on thanksgiving and tried to hard to contact me that i gave in. We hung out alot as friends while she was home. Then she went back to school and started calling me ALL the time. We would talk for about 2 hours a day. Things kept escalating until we got back together.

 

about 5 days ago she came home for christmas. First day home she spends with me and we have a wonderful time as a couple. We come back to my house from the bar late at night and i thought we would have great sex, but she was tired so she just took all her clothes off and went right to sleep. In the morning i tried to have sex with her again but she felt sick and said she didnt want to. I was very sexually frustrated ( no sex in almost a year for me) so somehow this escalated into a fight. So 2nd day together and we fight. She leaves and we talk that night. She apologizes and we make up.

 

Next day she comes over and we do finnally have sex. She seemed to like it alot, and afterwards she cried (not sure about this, she has cried a few times before after sex) We then go out shopping and everything seems good. Then we split ways and each go home.

 

Next day we meet up and goto the bar. She is being really nice and so am I. We are buying eachother drinks and telling each other sweet things all night. She talks about how she is horny. So we get back to my house and i try to have sex but again she says she is to tired! I Talked her into haveing sex but she said it hurt way to bad so i had to stop after like 2 minutes. I went to sleep still hard, holding her in my arms.

 

So we wake up this morning and i try to have sex with her again. She says no again! I talk her into it again and as soon as we start she says it hurts way to bad and makes me stop. She then started being REALLY B*TCHY. So we get into another big fight! We ended up getting over it and laying around for an hour or two cuddling. Then she went home. I tried calling her today twice and it seems like she just doesn't really want to talk to me. She said she will call me later tonight...I hope she does.

 

I am so worried this fighting is going to tear us apart. Why would it hurt her soo much to have sex with me? It never did before, and my penis is not to big, 7 in long and average girth. We use Lube too!

I am worried I got a little to forceful when she said no, just because i have so much biult up sexual frustration and i feel like she keeps saying no.

 

What can i do to make our sex better? Why does she keep turning me down when i try to have sex, but when we can't have sex she always talks about wanting it? Should i be understanding about our lack of sex, or is this a red flag that we are not meant to be?

 

I love her so much and i am just so worried to lose her again.

[need2bme]

First, when she says she doesn't want to, then don't. When I was younger, I would do the same as you, but now that I am older I can share this advice with you,

 

"Just because a woman wants to have sex at some point in your date, does not mean that 3 hours later she will still feel like it."

 

Also, I would think it would make her very uncomfortable if you were to instigate sex, first thing, after fighting about it the night before.

 

Now, that being said, it would frustrate me too if she talked about being horny and wanting to tear my clothes, etc. and then nothing. I have been there. You need to decide right now why your post is so filled with stuff about sex...

 

Also, sit down with her and figure out why it "hurts". Is it a physical thing or is it a mental thing. Until you fix that, I wouldn't worry about physical stuff with her. Take care of the mental stuff...

[byates5637]

Yea good points. My post is so filled with stuff about sex because that is the problem area in our relationship. Everything else is really great, until i try to get sexual.

[dnozzle]

Have you suggested blowjobs?

[byates5637]

Yea thats another part of the story i left out. She won't give me blowjobs. She has TMJ ( some minor jaw problem) and says it hurts to give me blowjobs too. She wont even freakin lick it. She has alot of sexual hang ups.

 

She did give me a handjob though.

[heartlessromantic]

If sex has always been an issue between you two, then you need to lay off and let her get comfortable first. There is probably a reason she has some hang-ups. I would work on strengthening the relationship and then begin to talk about the hang-ups, maybe even try counseling together.

[Belle]

I think you're being way too pushy about sex. She wanted to make you happy by telling you she wanted to have sex, but ultimately she really didn't. Regardless of how your relationship goes, you probably need to back off and let her initiate. It takes teh pressure off of her.

 

On another note, it sounds like she's got a few too many excuses about sex. I've heard girls use the TMJ excuse before and if you loved a guy, you'd give it a try regardless. She sounds uptight. You might want to consider if this is what you're looking for.

[dnozzle]

I'd throw her back. If the makeup sex is bad, it ain't gonna get much better.

[papalazarou]

Hmm difficult one. By nature men take great stock in sex. Certainly more than women.

 

When the sex suffers (rightly or wrongly) I think there is a problem in the relationship. EVERY time this is the case I have been proved right.

 

Furthermore I cant remember where I saw it but I read somewhere that if a girl was 100% into you - why wouldnt she want sex (illness permitting).

 

In my opinion mate BIG red flag.

[BrokenHeart82]

Well...it sounds like you're putting way too much pressure on sex...making it seem like thats all your interested in. I am not your girlfriend but I think id feel put off by you too...because it seems you think that every pleasant happening should be culminated with sex.

 

We had a good time...and then i tried to have sex.

 

We had drinks...and then i tried to have sex.

 

How about having a good time just to have a good time with her???

 

The TMJ thing...sorry bro..shes pulling out the major BS here....TMJ exist...it isnt painful...most people mis-self-diagnose TMJ...but in her case sounds like she just doesnt want to blow ya! Maybe youve been pushy about this is the past too??

[krnelson2]

You really need to learn to love this girl for who she is, not for how she is in bed. I know that a year is a long time but rushing back into that physical part of the relationship could prove very detrimental. Learn to just have fun with her and take things slow. If she really loves you she will be ready to take that step someday, but right now she may not be ready. If she comes on to you and says she wants it, tell her that you do too but only if she really really does. If she tells you that she is tired or doesnt feel like it, please try and respect that. Dont let sex get in the way of how you truly feel about her. There is so much more to a relationship than sex. Me and my ex had sex almost everytime we were together and as much as we both wanted it I kind of regret it right now. We never really just hung out. Plus not having sex everytime you are together makes it a lot better when you do. You went a year without it, you dont need it everyday. Right now just show her affection and dont overwhelm her with the sex talk right now. IT will happen in the future though. Be strong!!

[byates5637]

 

We had a good time...and then i tried to have sex.

 

We had drinks...and then i tried to have sex.

 

Because isn't that what couples do at the end of a long fun night out? They go back to one or the others house and have sex, then fall asleep cuddling? Right? At least that is the way i think a relationship works, and the way it has worked in the past for me.

[byates5637]

I do love her for who she is....very much so.

 

She just has excuses for everything and when it comes down to it....she just never wants to do anything sexual. The other day when we did actually have sex, she tried to put me in her right away...i said hold a minute, what about some foreplay?

She said she doesn't like foreplay.

 

I love this girl dearly, but it is becoming more clear that our sex life is terrible and she has no motivation to change it or to please me. Perhaps she knows i love her too much, so she doesnt feel like she even has to please me because i will love her anyway.

 

If things don't improve in the next couple days i am leaving her.

[byates5637]

I'd throw her back. If the makeup sex is bad, it ain't gonna get much better.

 

 

yea....that is what i am thinking too. It's a shame because i would do anything for this girl...but if she won't even try to sexually please me...there is no point.

[ladyeve]

I noticed that alcohol has been a consistently present element in your pre-sex activities. You might want to try to have some romantic nights without heavy drinking. Alcohol really has a negative impact on one's sex life, though it initially provides a false sense of boldness.

[byates5637]

Yea good idea.

 

I thought alcohol was supposed to make girls horny though

[Mavis VDSande]

I think you are slightly pressurising her and because you're both just getting back to things you need to ease off on the physical side until you feel like you can take that next step. Supposing you were tired, had things on your mind or couldn't even get it up and your girlfriend was trying to have sex with you when you didn't feel like it and you could feel her eager breath on you 24/7. You'd feel slightly pressured wouldn't you?

 

Having said that I have to agree that if she's giving you loads of excuses - and if it's come to the point where you feel like you need to get drunk in order to bring on a sexual opportunity, perhaps it's time to move on.

 

You can either back off on the sexual side completely and see what happens for a while - whether she acts relieved and opens up to you, or initiates intimacy herself. Or, you can ask her outright.

 

My personal belief is that when sex is a problem, usually it's a reflection of a wider problem in the relationship. But to me as well, sex isn't the focal point or high point either of a rels.

[ladyeve]

Yea good idea.

 

I thought alcohol was supposed to make girls horny though

 

Alcohol certainly lowers one's inhibitions, but it's really bad for the actual performance of the act. Limit yourselves to two small drinks each and seduce each other with your natural charms and sexiness.

[Belle]

The other day when we did actually have sex, she tried to put me in her right away...i said hold a minute, what about some foreplay?

She said she doesn't like foreplay.

 

This is girl speak for you don't please her. Women love foreplay. Unless it's not performed well. This is something you;re going to have to get her to communicate to you so you can figure out how to please her. If you can do that, she probably won't have as many excuses.

 

A girl who's rushing into intercourse just wants to get it over with so you can get what you need. That's not someone who's enjoying it.

[heloladies21]

Well dude, I'm not sure what to tell you here. I mean a girl's sex drive is so intimately tied into her emotional feelings towards a guy so to ignore the red flag would be a mistake.

 

I don't want to upset you again like in your last thread, but there are still big problems here that haven't been resolved and ignoring them further is only gonna lead to another break up.

 

Who dumps who isn't important because how you handle things decides how things turns out so in that sense you have control over how the situation turns out.