He broke the Christmas gift he gave to me!!!!

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I hate to be childish and use emoticons, but I don't care right now.

 

We were arguing; he fell asleep on the couch at 9pm which was fine because I had the chance to go ahead and buy him something else online. I had already bought him one gift online and decided to get his other gifts at the store, because the S &H was so pricey. But then I found this particular item online that was really awesome. I had been debating on whether to buy it or not and finally decided to do it, thinking of how nice it would be. (I love to receive but I also love to give.) Anyway...

 

At around 12am in the morning, I decided to go ahead and wake him up and get him to go to the bedroom, as that's where his alarm clock was at and he had to get up at 5:30am. He cannot wake up by himself, and he can't even wake up with a damn alarm clock! I usually end up tapping him until he wakes up. So, with only good intentions in mind, I woke him up to briefly have him make the transition from the couch to the bed, so he could be by his alarm clock. I know I am not his mother and should not mother him, but I didn't want him to be late for work or miss his ride. I also didn't want his friend (also his current boss this week) to have to come bang on the door and get annoyed with him, so again, this was all with good intentions in mind.

 

He started getting really angry at me and told me to leave him alone and stop messing with him. Fine. I left him alone but tried again a few minutes later and he again got an attitude, so I said, "it's cool, I'll just go get your alarm clock from the bedroom for you and put it out here." He started yelling at me and telling me not to. He finally got up and we started fighting because of his 'tude, and then he suddenly switched it up and started asking me what I got him for Xmas (still with an angry tone.) He's been doing this also pathologically for the past coupla days, trying to manipulate me into telling him. There's no lengths he's not gone to to get me to tell him. He's threatened to go look up the shadow cache online (he's a tech) and all sorts of other things, in his pursuit of knowing. It's so ridiculous and childish and just plain rude. Like it's not appreciated at all.

 

I told him if he didn't stop asking me, and didn't stop being a jerk (well that's not what I said exactly, but the mods love editing my posts) then I'd go online and cancel the orders.

 

He said "What is it then, if you're going to cancel the orders? If you're going to cancel the orders then I should know what it was." I said I wasn't really gonna cancel the orders, but I wanted to see his surprise on Xmas when he received them. He still kept trying to manipulate me. He then said "Fine, I don't care, I told you I didn't even want anything, I don't want it, just return it." Wow, talk about cutting someone down. I am not returning the goddamn gifts but now I don't even feel excited about giving them to him. He doesn't appreciate it and doesn't "care" as he said. I just feel weird and ridiculous about giving them to him, especially since he makes such a big deal of it. He'll probably not even like it..

 

Anyway, he was really p*ssing me off and we kept arguing and he kept threatening to break the gift that he got me, which he had already given to me on saturday. It was a big beautiful intense-smelling peach candle (with real peaches covered in wax that melts to look like a bowl of peach ice cream) in a beautiful glass bowl decorated with outgraved (can't think of another word for it, it's not engraved but out-graved) hearts.. and I loved it. I knew it would end up getting broke though, I just knew it. Didn't think it'd be so soon but I knew it was bound to happen. So I got the candle and moved it to the bedroom so he wouldn't, but he kept threatening to do it. Then I moved it back when I thought everything was safe and he got mad again and took the candle, threw it accross the floor (hard, too) and it shattered. I saw this coming.

 

I don't know why he even bothered getting it, when he knew he was going to do this. It always ends up happening.

 

He picked up the glass and the candle and put the candle in a glass ashtray, but it looks completely messed up now. I was so angry I went on a rampage and so, he decided to try and fix the candle. Heh. But it looks ridiculous now and it's not the same. He kept saying I should appreciate that he tried to fix it. Heh. I'd have appreciated it more if he hadn't of broke it.

 

He tried to say he didn't "mean" to break it, he just meant for it to "roll" accross the carpet. Yeah. Right. He threw it mighty damn hard if you ask me. He later said he felt "bad" and promised to buy me a new one.

 

Well, he wouldn't have to buy me a new one if he hadn't of broke it. It's expensive. I told him to just wait till after Xmas to get it sometime and for now, save up his money this week so he can get his daughter a ton of toys for Xmas. I'd prefer that, it would make me happier to see him buy her a lot of cool stuff.

 

But yeah. I'm venting. This was so wrong. It seems to me like a form of control.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I TRIED to make my post as short as possible, because I always write really long ones and I know that some people don't wish to read long, drawn-out stuff. Hopefully this is not too long and I'll get some advice/opinions..

[Hope75]

I don't know why he even bothered getting it, when he knew he was going to do this. It always ends up happening.

 

Does this sort of thing happen more than once?

 

And you are going to marry this guy?

 

He sounds like he has a serious temper problem- and isn't treating you very well.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi Engaged Kitty,

 

Christmas is a stressful time, but - wow, huge red flags with this kind of fighting. I don't know, I'm not used to that level of aggression and pettiness. It would really bother me. I think you need to sit down and talk about it when tempers aren't so high, but the whole thing reads as being very unpleasant.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Yes, it happens quite often actually. At first he would break his own stuff; glass ashtrays, glasses, a glass IHOPS juice container, bedroom & bathroom door, holes in the walls.. lately he's been breaking stuff of mine, stuff I guess he figures he has the "right" to break because he bought it.. He's broke two other candles of mine, big candles in plain glass jars, and a cool blue wine glass I had.. but this candle was like the icing on the cake. Or more like the dingleberry on the poodle. That candle was fantastic. I am a self-proclaimed candle connoseiur; this candle was superior. It was mine. It was a gift. Why would someone go and do that?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

As for marrying him, well my name might still be Engagedkitty, and I might still wear this ring, but I really can't see myself marrying him until he gets some psychiatric help!

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Hi Engaged Kitty,

 

Christmas is a stressful time, but - wow, huge red flags with this kind of fighting. I don't know, I'm not used to that level of aggression and pettiness. It would really bother me. I think you need to sit down and talk about it when tempers aren't so high, but the whole thing reads as being very unpleasant.

 

He's been doing this sort of stuff for awhile now. It's started escalating, I guess the more comfortable he's become with me over the months, the more of his true personality he can let slip.

[caro33]

"Why would someone go and do that?"

 

To show you what he gives you he can also take away. His gifts, perhaps his love, are conditional on whether you give in to him and let him have his way.

 

For him to act like this based on you not telling him what you got him for Christmas is really off, sorry kitty.

 

Yes, very wrong, and terribly controlling. Extremely childish - toddler tantrum stuff from the sounds of things. After a while I think it's not going to matter if he breaks what he gave you or what you already had. He will break things just because you like them, to teach you a lesson.

[DN]

It's not always true but people who abuse things belonging to their partners often end up physically abusing the partner. I think you should leave him now - before Christmas not after. Many people suffer more abuse at Christmas because of the stress it can induce.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Update: He came home and said he's going back to that store (which is one hour away because this candle is unique..) tomorrow to get a new one.

 

Well, that's very nice and all, but why bother when it's just going to get broke again? When he gets mad, his brain seems to stop working.

[caro33]

Yes to what DN said.

 

You can see a potential pattern of escalation here - he breaks his stuff to make loud noises, vent, get a reaction, but that stops having the desire effect after a while. He then moves to getting a reaction and venting by breaking your stuff, but it's stuff he gave you so that's okay. After a while that loses its effect, either because he's run out of things he gave you to break, or because you've stopped valuing the things he gives you b/c you know of their impending demise. So then it moves to other things you value. It will move up the chain. It may move to your other treasured material belongings first: that thing your first best friend gave you when you were kids, your favourite bowl. Then what is it? Would he hurt your cats? When does it get to you?

 

God that sounds awful, I really am sorry. But is it possible? Do you think in his efforts to get a reaction and make you pay attention he will stick to the candles? Would you keep reacting to that?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

"Why would someone go and do that?"

 

To show you what he gives you he can also take away. His gifts, perhaps his love, are conditional on whether you give in to him and let him have his way.

 

For him to act like this based on you not telling him what you got him for Christmas is really off, sorry kitty.

 

Yes, very wrong, and terribly controlling. Extremely childish - toddler tantrum stuff from the sounds of things. After a while I think it's not going to matter if he breaks what he gave you or what you already had. He will break things just because you like them, to teach you a lesson.

 

I agree. My friend paid me a visit today and told me I should train him like a dog; teach him his own lesson, and he'll stop. I wouldn't say it's that simple, however.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

It's not always true but people who abuse things belonging to their partners often end up physically abusing the partner. I think you should leave him now - before Christmas not after. Many people suffer more abuse at Christmas because of the stress it can induce.

 

I agree that this is fairly common but I don't think he would abuse me. I'd whip his .. . (edit)

[annie24]

I have to agree with the others - get out now! I have dated many men, had many boyfriends, and never ONCE did ANY of them break a gift, punch a wall, break stuff, etc... this is NOT normal behavior. He sounds like he may abuse you one day also. It's not like abusers start abusing their partners from day 1. They do it over time, slowly. Otherwise, if they hit their dates on the first date, the women would leave.

 

yeah, this just sounds very scary, and let me assure you that this is not a normal average situation. most men do not behave this way.

[caro33]

I agree. My friend paid me a visit today and told me I should train him like a dog; teach him his own lesson, and he'll stop. I wouldn't say it's that simple, however.

 

I would think it isn't that easy. Most dogs I've met, if they are even open to being trained, are only trainable because they want to please you. They do not have needs other than needing to please you, and their basic physical requirements. So you train them by showing them the cause and effect of their behaviour re what regard you hold them in. You're not competing with their own insecurities, their desire to punish you. You are not dealing with an whole internal emotional world of justification and self-delusion like you get with people.

 

I believe that doing the same thing to him might only up the ante. What do you think?

 

Your guy sounds like he has no impulse control, which you knew. How do you think he can develop this at this stage? Are you serious about the psychiatric care and do you believe he would be open to it?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Luckily, my last ex destroyed most of my valued possessions, so I don't really have anything I value much. Except, my cats of course. Who I value more than anything material. I don't think he would hurt any animals but you never know. But, that would be and I swear to this, the ultimate dealbreaker. Breaking my material objects is one thing. Stuff can be replaced. My cats cannot be. I'd be out of here so fast the last thing he'd see would be the door slamming behind me. And then the cops knocking on his door.

 

I don't think he'll stick to just the candles; pretty much anything that's fragile or glass gets broken around here. I predict the replacement candle will become broken, as will anything else I receive made of glass (or anything breakable, of course.)

[annie24]

ok, so you have a pattern of dating abusive, violent men. I can understand why you are putting up with it, because you've never known different.

 

For me, I have a pattern of dating kind of passive-aggressive men. ie, when they are upset about something, they don't do anything at all. just kind of avoid me and won't talk about it. Which is at least better than dating a man who is breaking stuff! I have never had a man yell at me, or break my things. I have more recently started dating more communicative men, and when they are upset about something, they just tell me, in words, no anger, yelling, or breaking.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I have to agree with the others - get out now! I have dated many men, had many boyfriends, and never ONCE did ANY of them break a gift, punch a wall, break stuff, etc... this is NOT normal behavior. He sounds like he may abuse you one day also. It's not like abusers start abusing their partners from day 1. They do it over time, slowly. Otherwise, if they hit their dates on the first date, the women would leave.

 

yeah, this just sounds very scary, and let me assure you that this is not a normal average situation. most men do not behave this way.

 

My dad did and I've seen other guys in my life act like that as well, so I guess that's why I'm not as shocked by it as some people. Not an excuse or anything, but still. I understand that abuse builds up over time, but I think he will stick to damaging objects and not people. I think he knows I wouldn't take abuse. He'd end up stabbed. I've made this clear. I'm not a weak female sort, either. I'd dare him to hit me. Then he'd wish he'd never did it as he lay there broken and bleeding and crying in a corner.

 

That sounds very harsh but, it's true. That's what would happen if he abused me or my animals.

[caro33]

Luckily, my last ex destroyed most of my valued possessions, so I don't really have anything I value much. Except, my cats of course. Who I value more than anything material. I don't think he would hurt any animals but you never know. But, that would be and I swear to this, the ultimate dealbreaker. Breaking my material objects is one thing. Stuff can be replaced. My cats cannot be. I'd be out of here so fast the last thing he'd see would be the door slamming behind me. And then the cops knocking on his door.

 

I don't think he'll stick to just the candles; pretty much anything that's fragile or glass gets broken around here. I predict the replacement candle will become broken, as will anything else I receive made of glass (or anything breakable, of course.)

 

EEK!

 

Is this good enough?

[annie24]

My dad did and I've seen other guys in my life act like that as well, so I guess that's why I'm not as shocked by it as some people. Not an excuse or anything, but still. I understand that abuse builds up over time, but I think he will stick to damaging objects and not people. I think he knows I wouldn't take abuse. He'd end up stabbed. I've made this clear. I'm not a weak female sort, either. I'd dare him to hit me. Then he'd wish he'd never did it as he lay there broken and bleeding and crying in a corner.

 

That sounds very harsh but, it's true. That's what would happen if he abused me or my animals.

 

again, not good. if you are threatening violence against him, and he is breaking your things, this is a very unhealthy situation. I don't think you realize just how unhealthy this is.

[caro33]

I have to go to a meeting now, and wish I didn't have to leave the keyboard. Kitty if you get a chance please indulge me and tell me what psychiatric help you would be looking for (for him).

 

Also, why do you think he is breaking things - what are his core emotional itches that this scratches?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

It might up the ante. Or alternatively put fear into him so he stops. But, that would make me no better so I don't feel that's the best approach. Though it's very tempting. Sometimes I kinda feel like saying, "Well, you want to show your psychotic side, well here's mine (expletive, expletive)" slinging knives and stuff. Heh. Or throwing fists. But like I said, that would make ne no better. I am very serious about the psychiatric help, and he even at one point contacted someone for help, but it was too expensive so he didn't do it. He said he has better stuff that he could spend 500 bucks on. He 'appears' to be open to it but comments like that show he's really not. I'm sure there's some sort of counselor or mental health professional that would not be as pricey. He claims he already looked into it and it's all too pricey and I must be crazy if I think he's going to spend that much to get the help (he needs.)

[pregnantkitty_1985]

ok, so you have a pattern of dating abusive, violent men. I can understand why you are putting up with it, because you've never known different.

 

For me, I have a pattern of dating kind of passive-aggressive men. ie, when they are upset about something, they don't do anything at all. just kind of avoid me and won't talk about it. Which is at least better than dating a man who is breaking stuff! I have never had a man yell at me, or break my things. I have more recently started dating more communicative men, and when they are upset about something, they just tell me, in words, no anger, yelling, or breaking.

 

It's weird because he seems to be both aggressive and passive-aggressive. For example, if I feel there is a problem and bring it up, he'll avoid it and not talk about it or say "I don't want to argue." However, if he feels there is a problem, he'll start in. And I'll respond accordingly, and it escalates from there.

[annie24]

ok, if you marry him, don't you think he will break more than $500 worth of stuff if this keeps up? if he is so concerned about money, why does he keep breaking stuff? I think that counseling is cheaper in the long run. perhaps even the short run.

[annie24]

It's weird because he seems to be both aggressive and passive-aggressive. For example, if I feel there is a problem and bring it up, he'll avoid it and not talk about it or say "I don't want to argue." However, if he feels there is a problem, he'll start in. And I'll respond accordingly, and it escalates from there.

 

lovely. the best of both worlds.