I never said the L word :(

[kurtmasur]

A few months ago my girlfriend decided to finish our relationship because I had hurt her feelings. She was truly in love with me from the onset, but not me. For true love I needed time and this became a problem because she would want me to tell her that I loved her. I didn't want to say it unless I really meant it, so I didn't, and I explained to her this.

 

However, as time passed, the more she demanded that I say "I love you" and I refused, the more she "was losing me", was what she would say to me. One day, we were both invited to a party and we both were really drunk. At the party she asked me to tell her "I love you". And I did so foolishly. It just seemed so easy to say it as drunk, and I thought that perhaps neither of us would remember this. So I said it. I said "I love you"... not just once but many times. We came back home and slept. In the morning we awoke and found that we remembered everything. She said, "tell me that you love me". And I again refused as I always have, followed by my explanation. She asked me for the reason why I told her I loved her the night before, and I answered honestly that I said it because she asked me to and that I was drunk. She started crying. I then realized that I had been hurting her feelings little by little the whole time by always refusing to say "I love you", and that this was the peak.

 

So she decided that same weekend to stop loving me. It was a slow process, but eventually after 2 months she indeed stopped loving me. She had already wanted to finish the relationship, but I didn't want to, so we continued. Later, when she absolutely didn't feel anything towards me, it finished for good. The problem is that by the time the relationship ended, I began to feel I truly loved her. And to this day I feel that I love her deeply.

 

I am going through deep feelings of guilt because I never corresponded her love from the beginning And I feel like I have lost someone very valuable to me And to make matters worse, she is now seeing somebody else

 

Could anyone tell me if I did wrong in being honest by having refused most of the time to say "I love you"? Was I jerk? Should I have told a white lie from the beginning and say it everytime she asked me to? What do you guys think?

[ShellNeverBeMe]

Seems to me that you two were just incompatible. It's not your fault that you didn't feel the same way towards her. She wants more than you can give her. It's good you two parted ways now before someone ended up getting seriously hurt.

[Maverick32x]

It does seem like you were simply incompatible.... To me, you seemed to take "I love you" to a bit of an extreme.... but thats just the way I relate to the word... I love alot of people, friends, family, ex-girlfriends, cats.... and to say that I love one of them wouldn't really be sacraficing that much of myself....

 

Apparently you seem to make the 'word' out to mean something much much more to you... and when you say, you will know how special that person is to you.... but everytime she said it, and you refused, I'm sure it really tore her apart inside.... I don't think any amount of explanation could of made her feel better. It was probably hard for her to relate to the word the same way you do.....

 

Good luck~

[inspiration]

I think "I love you" means something different to each individual. I have not once said "I love you" to my girlfriend of 5 months because it seems like a big step for me to take.

[yeawutever]

No you're not a jerk, there's nothing worng about being honest. If you didn't feel the same way she did and yet she was pressuring you to say something you did not want, then she was in the wrong. No guy nor girl should be pressuring you to do nor say things you're not ready for and if they do, then that should be enough fpr the relationship to end, it's to the curb to them.

 

As for saying "I love you", while he says it often to me, I never really told my b/f of 4 months, simply for the sole reason that I feel there are others ways of showing love, to me it's about actions. However I do say "me too" when he says it, I do mean it, so I guess in a way I'm saying it too.

[kurtmasur]

Thanks for your responses. I appreciate it. But yeah, this is it. For her, the verbal phrase "I love you" meant a lot to her. She would always tell me that for her it is very important to hear it.

 

About being incompatible, quite the contrary. We were VERY compatible. And this is what gets to me I lost someone who I felt the most at ease with

 

I must add that she is a very sensitive girl, and that she didn't have a happy childhood. Her father would tell her a lot of nasty things when she was very little and she spent a lot of time crying. So that weekend when I hurt her by saying "I love you" while drunk, she told me that she couldn't permit anybody to hurt her and that that was the reason for dumping me, so that I did not hurt her again in this way in the future. Even though she truly loved me, she used her will power to destroy this love When I'm in love I always forgive the girl when she offends me, so I thought it surprising that she wouldn't forgive me. But then again, each person is different.

 

But such are the cirmstances of life and I must learn to move on.

[yeawutever]

Yup move on, that girl has issues in my mind and needs to see a therapist, she's not wel.l

[NoComply]

this just proves my point that people throw the word 'love' too lightly these days.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Many women who have been rejected by their fathers, look for the love of a male to fill that gap. That kind of search for love is unhealthy and leads to women having sex with random men (equating sex with love), having serial relationships, or in your case, demanding those words "I love you". You did not do anything wrong. She has not recognized that she herself has the problem. Many people say the word love and don't mean it. I give you a lot of credit for not saying something you didn't mean. She should not have pressured you like that and should have gone with the flow and let your actions prove your love. She is hurting so badly from her childhood that she just wants a man to say it to her. If she really cared about who you are, she would not have kept pressuring you....in the end, it was really all about her and she did not take into account your feelings.

[Maverick32x]

What makes people feel that the words "I Love you" are so sacrad? Specifically

 

this just proves my point that people throw the word 'love' too lightly these days.

 

How do you know that those words don't mean diffrent things to different people? I'm curious as to what makes people get so over-protective over these words......

[mitch17]

u should of just said it to her cause thats all she wanted to hear, she probably wouldnt take it literally, think of all the times she said ''i love you'' to all her other friends, she doesnt mean it. even if u had said it, it doesnt mean that u couldnt duck out of the relationship.

[scared12]

it's not your mistake, we are all different, maybe you r just feeling guilty because she left,but if you really love her, try to get her back, but let some time pass. you need to be certain what are you feelin so you don't hurt her again. you can't make her love you is she isn't, but if she loves you ,you can get her back. show her that you are better now, try to be better person. best luck

[yeawutever]

u should of just said it to her cause thats all she wanted to hear, she probably wouldnt take it literally, think of all the times she said ''i love you'' to all her other friends, she doesnt mean it. even if u had said it, it doesnt mean that u couldnt duck out of the relationship.

 

If my b/f kept pressuring to say "I love" back whenever he says and kept insisting on it, I can guaranteed I would turn the other way and run. Nope, no one has a right to pressure you to say or do things you don't want to.