New to online dating, cyber sex, pls help

[neophyte]

Hi. I recently joined a dating site, link removed. I've never done chat or anything at all before this so wasn't sure what to expect. It's nothing like I thought it would be. I get responses to my picture/profile but most of the time they immediately want to IM (I don't even know how to do that), or they want my personal email address or my phone number or they give me theirs and want me to call them. This is often in the very first email contact. Is this how it usually goes? It feels odd to me. I know I'm on a dating site but shouldn't we chat a little first? How do I know I want to talk to them on the phone already? Also, I got one guy who wanted to talk and talk but it was sex talk. Started out just flirty but got kind of out of hand. The bad part is I really got off on it. Tried to slow it down but he's really good at this and it's been awhile. I warned him if we kept talking along these lines I'd be too embarrased to meet him but he persisted so I figured he just wanted it like that and wasn't interested in meeting. But I was wrong about that too. He gave me his phone number and wanted to meet but I was too embarrassed by then. Not that alot was said but enough to embarrass me. Why does this feel so weird and is this common? I'd of thought if you were looking for cyber sex there must be sites intended for that. Thanks.

[robowarrior]

Best advice you'll ever get on on-line dating. RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!

 

In the end you'll win nothing, virtual love isn't REAL. Please come back to reality, and find a REAL person within your inner circle of reach. That's why you'll often hear that people who go on-line dating are losers who lost their sense of reality. You'll find your 42 on-line pervert, failure at life there, because he can't get anything for real.

 

Also its DANGEROUS, it might be a murderer, people have got killed this way. Although everyone could possibly be a murderer you'd be sure that the more obscure people will gather around these kind of on-line dating schemes.

[Aurian]

I'm sure there are murderers waiting in bars too Not everyone has access to unattached single people their own age and online dating no longer has that kind of stigma attached to it. I read that about 40% of single people have tried online dating at any one time. Surely they are not all lonely sick perverts

 

Generally people want to meet as soon as possible because online dating is only supposed to be a way to meet people, not have long ongoing online relationships. You want to meet up early on and see if you have any "real-life" chemistry and attraction and take things from there. However if someone seems to be too pushy and makes you feel uncomfortable, then you can ignore the email - that could be a sign.

 

IMs are pretty innocent though - they are Instant Messages on the site itself that is just between the two of you. Kinda similar to email. You can probably find something in the site's help section on how to use them.

 

If a guy is spewing out sex talk, then it is safe to assume that he will expect the same in real. If you don't want hookups like this, then it is best to avoid replying or meeting these people.

 

Good luck!

[annie24]

hm... that is odd. I was on link removed for a while, and that was never my experience. one mistake some people make is posting a very revealing photo of themselves, or talking about sex in the profile. If you post a fully clothed photo of yourself and talk about your hobbies and favorite movies (not sex!) then I think you will get more dignified responses.

 

none of the men (or very few!) who contacted me wanted to talk sex right off the bat. I usually had a few exchanges with them before they asked for my number. if they asked to chat online, I just told them I didn't have MSN.

 

if you give them your e-mail address, give them an account that doesn't have your real name in there or your place of work. set up an account with gmail or yahoo specifically for online dating.

 

if you would like, I can take a look at your profile and see if I see any red flags right off the bat....

[neophyte]

Thanks, I don't think it is suggestive at all. I even asked customer support about all this and she looked at my picture and profile and said there was nothing suggestive at all. Really it started off just flirtatious and just sort of escalated. Maybe he doesn't do it all the time and we just had good online chemistry? Like I said I'm totally new at all this. And part of me really enjoyed it but don't want to do that with someone who can see my picture and profile, feels very vunerable. But think I might like to try it elsewhere but don't know where. As far as match goes, I've only been there a month or so and went on one date with a guy I wasn't interested in cause it was less scary than trying to meet one I was attracted to. Just getting my feet wet I guess but surely I'll get braver with time.

[Zackinlaw]

Hi Neo,

 

Lots of interesting stuff in your post!

 

First, IMing ... IMs are a great way to have an online conversation in real time ... much faster than email, more like being in a chat room with just one person. You have to download the IM program and set up a screen name to use them. There are several to choose from ... here are two I use:

 

Yahoo Messenger ... go to link removed

 

AOL Instant Messenger (AIM) ... go to link removed

 

There is also a popular IM service from Microsoft called msn ... but I don't use it.

 

Having IM is essential to meeting new people online.

 

Second, the phone ... Whenever I meet a woman online, I insist on going to the phone pretty much right away. There are several reasons ... you can tell a lot more about someone's personality by hearing their voice than you can by talking in emails or IMs ... and once in a great while, gay men pose as women to try to get a man to engage in romantic conversations. The phone frustrates this. If you want to be super safe, always call him, and press *67 before dialing his number to block your caller ID.

 

Third, phone sex ... I suppose there is really nothing wrong with enjoying anonymous phone sex as long as you both agree that it's nothing more than relieving your respective sexual frustrations. I assume you are looking for a relationship ... my only advice is to never confuse a metaphoric romp in the Verizon hay with finding the man of your dreams. If he was that good at it, chances are that sex is all he was there for.

 

Fourth, safety ... I am getting sick of hearing sensational stories about the horrors of online meeting! Meeting someone from online is probably safer than going out on Saturday night with the cute guy you met in the local tavern on Friday. Some people say "well, when you first meet someone in person ... you can pick up signals and body cues, etc. etc." I'm sure Ted Bundy (an infamous serial killer from the 1970s) didn't have "Serial Killer" tattooed on his forehead!

 

Just be appropriately cautious ... consider meeting for the first time in a public place where there are lots of people around.

 

Last, "online chemistry" ... this is a total myth ... all you can get online is a sense of emotional compatibility. If you meet someone you think you like, meet him immediately!!! There is nothing more tragic than making an large emotional investment in someone just to find yourself (or him) saying "ewwwww" when you finally meet!

 

Good luck Neo,

Zack.

[neophyte]

Thanks, you've given me alot to think about. When I signed up with Match there were safety tips and some of them went something like don't give out your personal email addresss, phone number, etc. So is it safe to IM someone? I have Yahoo Messenger just haven't ever used it. Will that do for IM and is it "safe"? Also, if there's no such thing as online chemistry then online dating might not be for me. I've always picked men based on chemistry rather than money, occupation or anything like that. If it wasn't chemistry I felt with that guy then what was it? It felt good, whatever it was.

[annie24]

I wouldn't use the IM if your name is in it, or where you work. a better screenname would be something like "NYCityGirl123". get an anonymous e-mail address like that also. always carry a cell phone with you on a date, and only meet at starbucks or another very public area.

 

as for the "cyber sex", no man has ever tried to "cyber" with me. if a guy says anything about sex and we haven't met, it's NEXT! I delete him and consider that over with. Look at it this way - the first few e-mails are equivalent to meeting a guy at a party. the first questions you ask each other should be like, "where do you work, where are you from, what TV shows do you watch?" if he is suggesting what he likes in bed, etc... that is bad news and stay away from him! The nice guys will be respectful towards you in the first few e-mails.

 

There is a very good book, "The Rules of Online Dating." It is written by the authors of "The Rules", I think it is the best out of all the books they wrote. They have very helpful tips on how to weed out time wasters, married men, and players. Also, very good safety tips!

 

Also, what I have found is that men who are interested in meeting suggest a date within the first 4-6 e-mails. Those that take 15 e-mails to ask you out, or never do, there is something up with them. either they are not single, or they are not interested in a relationship, they are only looking to pick the brains of women.

 

When you respond to men, respond to guys with screennames like, "John23456" or "SoccerGuy65". Not "GoodInBed" or "9Inches4You." Ewwww.... skeezy.

[Zackinlaw]

Hi Neo,

 

I wasn't suggesting that chemistry is not important --- online or in person. If you are wired for chemistry, that is all the more reason to meet someone you meet online in person as soon as you find him interesting. Just remember that meeting someone online kind of screws up the natural sequence of things, and you have to act quickly to bring it back into line.

 

Zack.

[annie24]

I'm sure Ted Bundy (an infamous serial killer from the 1970s) didn't have "Serial Killer" tattooed on his forehead!

 

yeah, Ted Bundy was a handsome, educated, professional. Just because he is clean cut, wears khakis, and vacations in the Hamptons doesn't mean that he isn't a psycho....

[Zackinlaw]

Yeah, Yahoo Messenger is just fine (as long as your Yahoo name doesn't reveal too much personal information). Most people you meet will have Yahoo Messenger.

 

You can also connect a webcam to Yahoo Messenger so you can see each other while you chat. If he has a webcam, it might give you a VERY ROUGH idea as to whether there will be chemistry, and give you an approximate verification of his real age. It will also help you weed out (or enjoy ) the pervs!

 

Zack

[Batya33]

When I did on line dating I would email only a few times before talking on the phone and if he did not want to talk on the phone I would explain I was looking for someone to date, not an email pen pal. I cannot tell enough about whether I want to meet in person via an email. If there was any sex talk I would end all contact right then.